Problem Kid

Chapter 99

When the food arrives, we both instantly tuck in. All the shopping has worn us out and we're both starving.

"Nice?" Jimmy asks and I nod, taking another bite.

"Yeah, yours?" He nods back. As we eat, we go back to discussing baby names.

"I still really like Nova. I think astrology themed names are really nice," I say, thinking.

"I like the astrology theme, or nature. Either of those are cute. What about Robyn?" He spells it out for me and I nod eagerly.

"I like the spelling of it too, that's cute."

"This is going to be so hard to choose," Jimmy laughs and sighs. I nod in agreement.

"Yeah, it really is. We'll get there in the end," I take a sip of my orange juice. When I finish my food, I grab Summer's bowl and water bottle from my bag and pour her out a drink, placing it onto the floor for her. She laps it up eagerly.

"You could go with the season theme like Summer and call her autumn?" Jimmy suggests and I laugh.

"No, way!" I snort as I laugh.

"What, it's cute?!" Jimmy insists but I just shake my head.

"No. I mean, yeah it's cute but just no," I sigh with a smile on my face.

"Well, I'm finished. I'll go pay," Jimmy says. I nod.

"Alright. I'll head outside and wait there," I begin picking up all of the shopping bags after putting Summer's now empty bowl back into my bag. We go and wait outside until Jimmy joins us.

"You ready to head home?" He asks and I nod. I'm already tired even after not being out for too long and my back and legs are hurting. I feel drained. We head back the car and begin our journey home with the boot stocked with all of our new things.

"When I get home I'm going to put all the new baby clothes in for a wash and arrange everything," I tell Jimmy. He nods in agreement.

"Alright, that sounds good. We need to get another food shop in as we're running low on dinners. I'll do that whilst you sort everything. That sound good?" He asks and I nod in agreement. He turns the radio over to Kerrang and we sing along to the Bring Me The Horizon takeover for the rest of our ride home. Jimmy helps carry everything inside before giving me a kiss on the head and heading out to do the food shopping. Once he's gone, the house feels dauntingly empty. I think back to how I would've filled the time before my pregnancy. Most of the scenarios I can think of end in me either dead or in hospital. I try to bring my mind off of it all, quickly taking everything we've bought out of the bags and removing all tags and hangers from the baby clothes, ready to wash them. However the thoughts creep back into my mind as I do that. I think of myself lying in the bathtub again, bleeding into the water as my vision fades and my head throbs. I think of the times I tore blades out of razors and tore my body apart in fits of pure rage and depression. I remember the times I'd try to shower but end up lying on the floor panting and shivering as my malnourished body crumbled under the pressure of existiance. I feel consumed by the thoughts, like there's no way out.

But there is a way out.

I begin to shake as my mind goes back to those dark places.

You know the way out. Slide a blade across your skin, throw all of the food out and starve. Drink as much alcohol as you can and take all of the pills in the cupboard.

"No, no I won't," I say aloud, my voice agonisingly loud in the empty house. I begin to sob as I sit on the floor and soon that sobbing summons Summer who comes rushing to my side. By the time she reaches me, I'm hyperventilating and shaking in pure panic. She alerts me before licking my face, trying to bring me back around and calm me down. When she realises that isn't working, she begins to bark at me. After a short while, I manage to pull myself back into reality. I look over at her with tears in my eyes and she approaches me slowly, bringing her face close to mine and gently licking my cheek. My sobbing stops and I gently stroke her head, my breathing slowly returning back to normal. Once I'm calmer, I decide to force myself to continue arranging the clothes to try and keep myself distracted. Though the thoughts and memories loom in the back of my mind, I manage to keep them pushed down and soon enough the clothes are in the washing machine. I begin to take everything else upstairs and Summer stays practically glued to my side, trying to make sure that I'm okay. I gently stroke her head and make my way upstairs carefully balancing everything in my arms. I make it to our bedroom and drop everything onto the bed before beginning to sort everything out. Mine and Jimmy's new clothes go into our drawers. The baby's items that we got are put into a separate drawer I emptied out for her and the bigger items are slid under the bed. Once everything is finally sorted, I go and wash my face. The cool water splashing against my skin helps me to ground myself after my breakdown and I instantly feel better.