Problem Kid

Chapter 49

I stare down at the open box in my hands for a moment before carefully tilting it and sliding out one fine silver blade. It's sick to think that my mind sees this as beautiful. I'm sick. I space out thinking about that as I wait for Jack to return however I'm snapped back to reality by a firm knock at the door. I freeze, silent. Have they called the police? Am I going to be dragged away?!

"Ev?" I sigh loudly in relief at the sound of Jimmy's voice. I rub my forehead before replying.

"Yeah?" I'm quiet however he hears me. The box of tools stays in my hand.

"I'm sorry, Ev. I really am. I didn't want to have to hold you down. Are you okay?" He sounds hurt, his voice weak and not like him at all. I'm heartbroken. What have I done? Where has the happy, cheerful, jokey and crazy Jimmy I had met those years ago in school... I ruined him...

"Jimmy, why do you stay with me? Since I've come into your life, all I've done is put you in awful suituations and hurt you. You met me, saw me get hurt and beaten up, seen me tear my skin to shreds, my body collapsing and fighting against me with chronic illness, seen me starve myself, seen me bleeding out in this fucking bathroom, seen me in all sorts of hospitals and psych wards, gotten attached to my mum just to lose her too... I've split on you, screamed at you, hated you, lied to you and put you through hell but you're still here. Why stay? Why go through all of this when you could just leave and find a gorgeous, happy, mentally sane person who'd never hurt you or cause any problems and would give you the amazing life you deserve. Why me, Jimmy? Why stay?" By the end, I'm holding back tears. I feel like the worst person in the world. All I do is hurt and break everything around me and no one deserves that. I'm poison. I know I am.

"Ev... Where do I even start? Yeah, we've been through a lot as friends and as a couple. There's been hurt, there's been pain and there's been some downright awful times but you know what's stayed the same through it all? We've made it through everything together. I know you don't want to hurt me. I know that every single time you've shouted or split on me or even done anything like that, you've regretted hurting me and you've felt bad. That's how I know it's not you doing these things. Well, it is but it's not the real you. It's the hurt, struggling, pained side of you that's partially controlled by your unwell side of your brain. And as for why I've never left? Everleigh, I've never even considered that. I never would. I love you. I love you with all my heart and I love every single part of you. I love the happy you, the sad you, the hurt you, the confused you, the lost you and every part of you. I love Everleigh, mental illness, chronic illness and all. There is nothing that could make me stop loving you. Yes, we've been through hell and you've been through hell and back but we've been through it together and we are still here, fighting despite it all. Baby, life wouldn't be the same without you. I am here and I'm here to stay. You're my partner in crime. I love you, Ev..." I choke on a sob. I lean forwards so my tears can't smudge my makeup as I cry.

"I love you so much, Jimmy. I'm sorry for everything," I call out to him between sobs. I don't deserve him, I don't deserve him at all. I sigh, resting my head on my knees again as I try to breathe carefully to help myself stop crying. By the time I've calmed down, there's whispering coming from outside. Once again, a set of footsteps retreat and I can hear Jack sitting down on the other side of the door.

"You okay there, Ev?" He says. I stare down at the small box as it rests on the floor.

"Yeah," I whisper.

"I spoke to Sam. We've managed to come to an agreement, okay?" I stay silent and he continues. "So, you don't need to take the clonazepam right now however if you get significantly distressed or upset, we'll ask you to take it and if you don't agree, we'll have to consider a plan b. Of course, if you feel you need it at any point then you are welcome to ask us for some. So when you're ready, we'd like you to come out if that's okay with you. The next thing is the meal plan. We're scrapping the hospital one because I know that was more than your current one. We're going to use the one we were sticking to before hospital though, okay? With the breakfast of cereal with milk or toast and a spread plus a piece of fruit along with the 2 meals including a protein portion, a veg portion and a carb portion with a cup of orange or apple juice and then your 2 snacks of just a piece of fruit or one of your yoghurts and evening snack which is just a cup of juice. Sam said he got your fortasips on the way home too so if you don't complete enough of your meal or don't eat, we'll have to have you drink those. If that doesn't happen then we'll have to go back to the ward. Does that all sound okay?" Once he's done, I sigh. I hate the thought of the meal plan but I guess I can just purge if I need to... Better than hospital I guess.