Problem Kid

Chapter 65

The movie was great, it felt so normal to be back on that sofa cuddled up to my boyfriend with the people I loved most around me. Even with the crappy nose hose in, I felt normal for a while. Well, until I needed to pee.

"Ughhh but I just want 5 seconds alone!" I whine as Jimmy holds the bathroom door open with his foot. I try pulling it shut but I'm weak and he's got a good hold on it.

"It's the rules, Ev. It's a part of the discharge conditions and you know that. I won't even be looking at you, just at the wall enough I can still see you're safe in my side view. I've already offered you the towel to cover up. Come on, you agreed to this!" He's getting annoyed already and I know I agreed to it and should just give up arguing but I just want to pee in peace.

"Fine, fuck you. I'm not going and I'm not gonna go until I can go alone," I mutter angrily. I storm off into our room however when I go to slam the door it's pushed open and Jimmy walks in behind me.

"UGHHHH FUCK OFF!" I shout, tears filling my eyes.

"I got more fucking privacy in the hospital," I hissed and he shrugged, no longer engaging in the conversation. I give up and throw myself onto the bed, staring at the ceiling for a few minutes however boredom hits me and I'm up again. I walk over to my bag in the corner of the room and pull out my cigarettes.

"I need a fucking fag," I growl, storming out into the back garden. Thankfully Jimmy knows I need space and doesn't come out, he just sits by the window where he can see me instead though as I light my cigarette I see him talking to Sam instead of watching me. I try to use the opportunity to climb up onto the wall where I used to sit however as a attempt to put weight on my arms to get up, they instantly drop down. They can't carry my weight at the minute I guess. I sigh in annoyance and sit on one of the garden chairs, staring at the sky as I smoke. Summer pads around the garden happily and goes over to her spot of astro turf for toileting, using it happily. Then she's back by my side and I pat my lap gently. She hops up, laying across my lap. She's too big to be on this chair with me but I don't care, I need her right now and I am not in the mood to go back inside yet. I put my cigarette out and wrap my arms around her, burying my face into her fur. I lay there for a while just breathing in her doggy scent with tears in my eyes. I'm so exhausted of life like this. Life where I have no privacy, where nobody trusts me and where everyone is scared they'll go from planning my care plans to planning my funeral. I've been sick for years now. I've been struggling to cope for so long and any chance at normal life feels gone. I'm chronic. Chronically ill mentally and physically and nothing is going to change that. I begin to cry, my face buried in s
Summer's warm fur. She lets me cry, gently licking my arm. I cry and I can't stop, the blocking of my emotions has finally caved in and it's all coming out now. I don't even care if anyone sees me at this point. Part of my mind is spiralling, screaming at me to run, jump the wall, escape, go somewhere alone and finish it all at last but another part just wants to cry and cry and cry. I listen to the other part knowing that I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep ruining my life more than it's already ruined in hopes to find peace when carrying out these sick behaviours never have and never will give me lasting peace. They just give me more pain, more suffering and more reasons to hate my life. So instead of listening to my thoughts, I cry. It's not until 15 minutes later that someone notices that I'm crying and of course it's Sam who can tell. I hear him sit down on the chair beside me with a gentle sigh.

"What are we gonna do, Ev?" He asks. I don't know how to respond so I just shrug, keeping my face on Summer. I feel her move to look at Sam.

"You know how much we want to trust you and let you have that privacy but you also know our reasons why we're struggling to allow it," I listen to his soothing voice in silence.