Problem Kid

Chapter 94

As soon as we get home, I pretty much collapse onto the sofa. Who knew that shadowing could be so exhausting? I haven't even done much except follow Maxwell around and watch piercings be done but I'm still drained from it. After a short while of chilling on the sofa whilst Jimmy puts dinner in the oven, I decide that I'm going to have a bath. I make my way upstairs and get the water running before grabbing a some pyjamas, my toiletries bag and a towel for after. Once the water is filled near the top and is nice and warm, I undress and slip into the bath. I spend a while relaxing in the hot water before finally forcing myself to wash. I decide to shave after looking down at my stubbly legs and take the razor out of my bag. As I hold it in my hand, an intrusive thought slips into my mind.

Cut your stomach.

I shake my head, dropping the razor back into the bag. Why would I do that? Why is my mind even telling me to do that? I sit there in shock for a moment before carefully picking it up again. I begin singing demolition lovers by my chemical romance in my head as I shave to try and block out the thoughts and thankfully, it works. I manage to finish shaving without any more terrifying intrusive thoughts and begin to wash my hair. As I slip under the water to rinse the shampoo out, another thought pops up.

Stay under the water for as long as you can before going unconscious.

I quickly sit up, water splashing onto the floor as I erupt from beneath it like a breeching whale. What the fuck? I make sure to keep my face above the water as I quickly rinse all of the shampoo out. I don't even bother to use conditioner and instead get out of the bath as soon as my hair is clean. I wrap a towel around myself and sit down on the floor for a moment, shaking with anxiety. Things have been good for so long, why are the intrusive thoughts back? And why are they so jarring? I hate it. It's not even like urges, it's not even something I'd ever consider acting on but they're the kind of thoughts that come into your mind to terrify you, to make you hate yourself for even thinking of them. They're horrific. My thoughts are interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Are you alright, Ev?" I look up, feeling water drip from my face onto my hands. As I brush my cheeks with my fingertips, I realise I've been crying.

"I'm okay," I say, my voice shaking.

"No you're not, what's wrong? Can I come in?" Jimmy asks. I can hear he's worried.

"The door's unlocked, come in," I say, wiping the tears away as they spill down my face. Jimmy opens the door and comes over, sitting beside me and wrapping his arms around me, not even caring that I'm still wet.

"What happened?" He asks softly.

"I was just having a bath and then I got some really horrible intrusive thoughts. They were so dark and scary and it just freaked me out quite badly." I say, resting my head on his shoulder. He strokes my wet hair gently.

"It's okay. You know, intrusive thoughts aren't your thoughts. They aren't things you would do, they're the things that your mind pulls up to scare you, knowing that it's something you'd never even think of doing normally. They aren't a reflection of you as a person. You're exhausted after today so I think your mind is just being overactive as a result of that. Why don't you get yourself dry and dressed and then come downstairs for dinner? We can spend the rest of the evening chilling out. How's that sound?" I nod.

"Okay. That sounds good," I just want to curl up in bed and cry but I agree to his plan. I know I need dinner.

"I'll let you get dressed whilst I go and dish everything up. I'll see you in a minute, okay?" Jimmy kisses my forehead gently before standing up.

"Okay, I'll see you in a minute," as he walks out, I stand up and begin to dry myself properly before putting on my pyjamas and wrapping my hair in a towel. I quickly wash my face before heading downstairs where Jimmy is placing our plates onto the table. I go and sit down.