Reincarnation [Suga × Reader]

Why?

Eunjae's POV

Why am I like this? Why? I tell myself lies, I tell myself rules but do I follow them? Is this the value of my rules to myself? Is this how much I worry for this family? Is this how selfish I am?

I can't control myself for a single day. I can't even hold back myself then how can I can leave them like this? Have I ever thought about how much hurt Jungkook, eonnie, Jimin, eommonim, abeonim and Yoongi would be? I have. Yet I keep failing my rules.

Yet I keep reaching out to them.

Yet I keep following them.

Yet I keep them waiting for me to follow them.

Yet... Yet... I want to be with them.

I hurt Yoongi. I hurt eonnie. I hurt Jungkook. I hurt Jimin.

They show care to me, I act reckless to them. They help me, I make them guilty. I do the wrong but they always ask for the forgiveness.

Why? Why am I like this? Why did I become like this? Why?

I tell everyone big lies. I tell myself big lies. Lies that are my rules. Rules which I don't follow.

I tell myself to stay away for them yet I lean on them, lean in the comfort they give me.

I tell myself to be harsh, I stay harsh but they become soft.

I tell myself to be strong but I keep losing my strength for them.

All the lies I have ever told myself are like small pieces of a glass, as soon as I lie, one pierce to my heart, everytime it's about my wrong doing.

Everytime, I do wrong and lie to fix what I did wrong but in the mean time everyone finds out my lie and even if they don't the guilt keeps eating me up.

When will I be normal and not a people pleaser? When will I start accepting my true self? There is no identity of mine.

I hate to admit but I am liar, lying to people to please them but hurt them instead. So I am also a rude person. I betray them, act fool, be rude to them but at the end of the day go to them and don't even ask for forgiveness.

I am a liar as well as shameless.

Don't know when I will be true to people in my life. The last I was actually true was when I celebrated my 10th birthday.

Was this the life I always planned and wished for?...

Author's POV

Drowned in her own thoughts, Eunjae was ready to take a sharp turn towards the wall of a building when the stearing wheel was jerked in the other direction by cold veiny hands.

"Eunjae, What the fuck were you about to do?!" Jimin shout at the scared figure at the sudden change of direction and a harsh voice which was usually soft and high pitched.

"I... I... I took the turn at the wrong time... I am... I am really sorry..." She took a bit of bit to process and got out of the car shifting away from the gaze of the other man.

The man inside was dumbfounded at Eunjae, a frown became his all time expression with Eunjae. He never understood her problems, cause she never shared them, she never really told him what the truth was, it was getting hard to understand her without Yoongi.

He slowly get off the car and make his way towards Eunjae who was sitting on the public bench in the shine of the late evening.

"Eunjae?" He called out softly, looking over to the girl who had the head held tight in her hands preventing any type of sight to her eyes.

"I am sorry." He apologized, taking a seat next to her with his hand over her bent shoulder.

'I am making him apologize again.' She thinks before rubbing her eyes to wipe away that single tear that left her eye.

"Nah, I am sorry. I was just out of it." She acted cool with a smile but Jimin didn't bought her answer.

As she realised how he didn't buy that statement when he kept looking at her with questions in his eyes not presenting themselves, she slowly let the smile fall off her lips as her eyes which were locked in his tight gaze fell down in shame.

She sucked in a hard breath, trying to gulp the lump in her throat, not ready to let her tears out, her eyes become numb, her face holds a dead look, lips getting dry, eyelids pulled down, hands over knees and legs crossed.

Slowly a hand surrounds her shoulder and slowly another one surrounds her shoulder from front, his hand put over her head as he pat her head. She let it fall to his shoulder, feeling nothing but numb.

Numb from the pain, tiredness, anger, guilt, regret, sadness, and many other things which she couldn't describe.

Her heart felt like it was throbbing in pain but that was just for a second.

A shrill leave her mouth when she couldn't keep her sobs and tears. As her voice fell apart. She felt cold, her body shiver as she let the tears out. His hands pull her close, ready to feel her pain.

"Tell me atleast one thing." He just said once before letting her take her time, he keep patting her head with gentleness and a shiver run down his spine once.

She keep on choking over her tears and sobs making him pat her back. When she felt like its useless to cry too much rather than explaining, she stops crying somehow with her head still leaned onto Jimin's.

As he realise her stop, he looks at her to fund her slowly drifting to slumber but woke up right away.

"I am really sorry, I am just a bit out of it. My mind." She immediately reply and get up when he pull her back on the bench while not giving her time, hug her, patting her back, mumbling, "Its fine."

"I know what you are going through now." He softly whisper with closed eyes which she was looking at.

He opens his eyes, "Pain. Guilt. Regret. Shame. Hurt. Anger. A throbbing pain through the heart. Guilt of something you never wanted to do. Regret of getting it revealed. Anger to not follow something. Shame of doing something. Hurt of hurting someone. Right?" He just read the emotions she showed in her tears amd eyes, her eyes flutter as she pull away her body from his and looked away.

"Yes..." A whisper fall to their ears who felt the area full of vehicles silent. Tired eyes met with those known eyes. Without a word, the bench was left, the seats were taken, feelings were sorted, relief was fallen, a sense of mutuality took over, some answers were given without the questions and the slumber had a chance to be with someone.

"Sleep tight." The whisper left the man's lips like honey while his focus totally went to the driving as the girl rest in the passenger seat.

......................

*Edited. Changed it to a bigger and better one. That was very hard to write, put alot of emotions to complete this.

A short update because I am too busy in watching the world cup!! I wish for India to win!!!!!!

Byee! Please vote btw!