Pity the living- slytherin boys

Rain

*warning: panic attack*

A few days have passed since we started the prank thing, we're going to curry it out tomorrow night.
I'm sitting in the great hall with Harry, Ron and Hermione. We all watch Pansy being all over Draco who still has that bandage on his arm from Buckbeak. I honestly think it doesn't hurt him anymore, he is just acting as if it does. A few days ago he was totally hitting Riddle, I think. I don't really remember.

"Look at that idiot," Ron starts, "he is really laying in thick isn't he?" He asks rhetorically.

"Yeah, but at least Hagrid didn't get fired." Harry mentions.

"RYeah, but I hear  Draco's father furious," Hermione adds and looks at Harry, "we haven't heard the end of this."

Seamus runs down the table. "He's been sighted! He's been sighted!" He yells and sits next to Dean with a newspaper in hand.

"Who?" Ron yells back at him.

"Sirius Black!" I gulp. Why is he going out and about like that as if he didn't just escape prison? We all run towards him and look at the newspaper.

"Dufftown?" Hermione reads, "that's not far from here." Bloody hell, what is Sirius doing?

"You don't think he'd come to Hogwarts, do you?" Neville questions. I roll my eyes. Wait! If Sirius will come to Hogwarts and we'll be very careful, it means I'll get to see him!

"With dementors in every entrance?" Some random Gryffindor sarcastically questions, like duh he isn't going to pass that. But of course he can, the question is if he is stupid enough to do that.

"Dementors?" Seamus speaks, "he slipped past them once. Who's to say he won't do it again?"

"That's right," Dean talks like it's a horror story, "Black could be anywhere. It's like trying to catch smoke. Like trying to catch smoke with your bear hands."

I scoff. "He won't come to Hogwarts." I sit back down.

"Who says he won't?" Harry looks at me.

"He isn't stupid, Harry. He won't come to Hogwarts."

"Sounds pretty stupid to me, he killed 13 people and escaped Azkaban. Pretty stupid." Seamus try's to scare us. Well Seamus that doesn't work on me.

"No, he isn't stupid. Escaping Azkaban? You need to be pretty smart to do that, I believe." I stand back up, suddenly feeling restless.

"I don't think he's stupid, he is just a bloody maniac." Ron looks at Sirius' picture in the paper. It's him screaming manically.
Does he look like a manic? Yes. Is he really one? No.

"I wouldn't say he is a maniac."

Out of no where Harry starts getting angry at me; "Alice! What is bloody wrong with you lately? First you defend the Slytherins, now you defend  a mass murderer? What is wrong with you?" He yells, very loudly. Suddenly I feel a pounding in my chest. It's getting hard to breath. Tears fill my eyes without me even noticing and I can feel myself starting to shake slightly- shit, am I? Am I having a panic attack from this little ass bullshit? The Riddles have literally hit me before and I didn't get a panic attack. Why now? Because of Harry? He would never do anything to hurt me and I know that. He isn't even intimidating.

"Um... I... I need to go." I manage to get some words out.
I haven't gotten a panic attack since sometime last year, this is awful. I run out of the great hall.

"Shit, Alice!" Harry yells. I know he understood what happened. He runs after me but Hermione stops him.

"Let her be." I can hear her now low voice since I'm far away from them.

I sit next to the black lake since the sound of the large body of water in the wind always calmed me down before. I sit on the ground, centimeters away from the lake. It's really windy out today so there are these soothing sounds of waves.

I hold my hand in my other one, trying to get myself to stop shaking. I breath heavily and lean my head back, closing my eyes and letting a single tear fall down my cheek. I want my eyes to open, but they don't manage to actually listen to my brain.
My breathing gets heavier and quicker. I'm trying hard to deepen and even it out but it's so bloody difficult. I hate this feeling. I want it to stop. I want everything to stop. I wish my stupid non working breathing would bloody kill me right now.

As my thoughts take over I take out a cigarette. It completely shakes in my hand, making it really hard to light it up. I start sobbing and finally manage to light up the cigarette, inhaling it very longly. It makes my breathing slower since I'm taking long hits to calm myself down.

I slowly calm down but I still shake slightly.
When I have a panic attack I keep shaking a bit for the rest of the day most of the time. It's probably the thing I hate most about panic attacks. I always feel so weak after having them. Like everything and anything could hurt me.

I hear footsteps behind me. "Hey, are you okay?" I turn around to see Harry, standing behind me with a worried face.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I look back at the lake. My voice breaks a little when I speak and I hold my hand again.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you," he sits down beside me, "when did it come back?" He asks, referring to the attacks. Harry used to help me with them ever since the first year when we met.

"Just now." I keep looking at the lake, not moving my head to him.

"Bloody hell, Alice. I didn't mean to-"

I cut him off "I know you didn't mean to. It's okay." I look at him now and let go of my hand and put it in my thigh.

"I know you know, it's just, I thought you were done with it. It's unfair." He puts some hair behind my ear. I give him a small smile. Yes, Harry can be a self centered asshole sometimes, but he is very kind, I can't take that away from him. He then puts his hand on my hand so it'll stop shaking. Of course it's not going to work but it's nice of him.

"Did you have any thoughts?" Harry knows what happens to me when I get a panic attack; he knows about my thoughts, about the shaking, even about what happens after usually. And that's something only Theo and him know about.

"Yes, I did, but it's fine." I look down to my lap. These thoughts were always awful, they happened every time I was doing badly, wether it was because of a panic attack, a depressive time, or just a bad day.

"Hey remember, they are just mean thoughts." I nod.

We sit there for another hour. Then Harry said he needed to leave. I take my book which I still didn't finish because I didn't have the time. I have 2 chapters until the ending and I'm fucking terrified for what's going to happen.

It slowly gets dark. 'And I look back' I read. I start crying as my heart shutters into a million pieces. My crying is loud, there is no one here.

I finish off the book and put it back in my bag.
I sit there for a few more minutes and keep crying. Damn it with this book, I had enough shit today and I don't need this as well. Slow drops of rain fall from the sky. The sound of rain hitting the lake is incredible.

I walk back to the castle, observing the rain all around me.
I did get wet and I'm really cold but it's fun, calming.