Chloe's Book Reviews {CLOSED/ HIATUS}

Undercover Babe

A suggestion could be... 

"As you get closer to her floor, the pungent smell grew stronger, but everywhere else smelled fine." 

Punctuation -

 (01 - blood bath) 

We usually write numerals into words for a book format. 

Your example... 

"The victim was left dead for more than 8 hours..." 

A suggestion would be... 

"The victim was dead for more than eight hours..." 

🌸

The semi-colon in this example isn't necessary. 

Your example... 

"They moved as though one; expressionless and unaffected." 

A semi-colon can only be placed when the two sentences are independent on their own and are related to one another. I think a comma would be better. 

A suggestion would be... 

"They moved as though one, expressionless and unaffected." 

Or even a long dash (em dash) for emphasis. 

"They moved as though one — expressionless and unaffected."

 * Based on the next two chapters,  I didn't notice anything major. (: 

Character Development/ Plot -

 (00 - bye, bye angel) 

The woman in this chapter appears to be smart and caring, and with only a limited time to live, her last thoughts go to her sister. She plans the way she will die, a sacrifice to protect those she cared about. She briefly mentions the guy she fell in love with, but he still remains a mystery. I have unanswered questions as parts of this chapter remain mysterious, but I love that. Like who is she running from, and why? What has the guy got to do with it and is he a bad guy? I like the cliffhanger.

(01- blood bath) 

It took me a short while to discover that the murder scene is from the previous chapter as they investigate. There are still some questions unanswered which keep the mystery flowing. Like why didn't the victim call for help if there was a phone planted within the apartment? Then I remembered that if this was the woman from the previous chapter, it seemed like she was staging the murder scene because she knew she was going to die. Perhaps she wanted somebody to find the phone. You did very well with the cliffhanger, which adds to the suspense and keeps me reading.

(02- starting somewhere) 

You have a lovely insight into James's upbringing and his view on drug addicts because it has affected those around him from an early age. Franco gives off that 'I did the crime' sort of vibe, but I don't believe he actually killed her. I think he's just a messed up kid with issues that needs addressing. 

(Evidence 1 - The Letter)

 I really like the intricate detail of the letter. It makes the story even more compelling. We learn quite a few things from the letter: one being, that Franco does know more than what he lets on. Will the detectives be able to protect him in time? The intent of the letter is clearly to warn her mother about them coming for her sister. I'm wondering where are her mother and sister and why are they after specific individuals? This is a very sentimental letter to her loved ones. 

Overall enjoyment -

I do hope you continue with your story because I enjoyed what I read so far. I'm a big fan of crime programs and true crime. Because there were only two chapters, and one of those was centred around the victim, I didn't feel in touch with many of the characters. 

Things I suggest you could improve are:-

-1- Removing filter/ filler words - these are 'felt', 'saw', 'heard' and others, but if you aren't sure, google filler words and it will come up with a long list of the words you should avoid. (You can do this during your rewriting/ editing process). Removing them will make your writing more precise and make the reader experience everything the character is going through. 

-2- Semi Colons - I think you used the semi-colon incorrectly. It would be beneficial for you to perhaps look up and become aware of the reasoning of when to correctly use them. As far as I'm aware, the two sentences need to be independent clauses, but both are related to each other. It's worth having a look for a better understanding.

For example... 

I love to sing; my brother loves to dance. 

The town was deserted; everyone was on holiday.  

Please remember that this review is solely based on my opinion. If you so wish for the review to be removed in any shape or form, please let me know. 

Please keep writing & I wish you all the best with your writing journey! 

Thank you for requesting the review & I hope it helps you in some way! Please check, "Undercover Babe," if you have time.