LUCY
I'm sitting on my bed. I swing my legs with my eyes on my feet. I have been like this for a couple of minutes.
Surprisingly I'm not alone at home, my parents are also here. Anyway I think I have to go. I can’t stay here.
Madison texted me, she said she had better things to do but I know that deep down this also affects her. It hurts everyone.
I shove the keys, two comics, a jacket, my toothbrush and my wallet in my backpack. I don't have a lot of money but I know I can survive this afternoon.
I grab my backpack and open the door. I walk down the hall and I know I don't have to be cautious. They don't listen to me. Too busy with their discussion.
I descended the stairs listening to Lily and Mike discussion, criticizing and spitting bad words. We don't know what this problem is about, they don't tell us. They treat us as if Madison and I were babies, incapable of understanding.
I close the door of the house and my feet lead me through the street.
I need someone impartial, someone that would listen to me and tell me the truth no matter what. I know I need to talk to Gemma.
I search for Gemma's number and then I call her. I know it's not good to appear out of nowhere but I need to escape.
"Hi, Lucy!" Gemma talks as soon as she answers the call.
"Hi. I'm so sorry and you can say no but can I go to your house? "
"Yes, of course. Wait, you don't sound very happy, it was my brother again? What the hell did he do? I'll kill him, Lucy. "
"No, I mean, yes, but I started."
"Oh well, you can come, I'll be waiting."
"Thank you, thank you, see you in a while."
I hang up the call and hold the phone against my chest. I shouldn't but I feel like the worst person in the world to not answer Harry's calls, he at least called me 25 times during the day. I see that he's trying but how can he not understand that I don't want to talk to him right now?
Leave him this morning was painful. It was hard for me to get rid of him; his arms were like a prison. I can't deny that he was looking adorable, the tattoos on his skin are enigmatic and I was several minutes admiring him. I can't help it, he's one of the most beautiful boy I've seen in my life and he said he needed me, he repeated so many times it feels like acid on my skin every time I remember.
I took a taxi and the whole trip is full of thoughts. I try to think about something else but Harry is torturing me. I don’t know if I made the right decision but Cassie's words still echoes in my head.
The seat of the cab is so comfortable. I'm so tired, I didn't sleep a lot and once I escaped from Harry's house I had no time to rest.
Louis saw me when I left; all he said was that Harry would be angry and devastated. He didn't stop me, I dont know why I thought he would.
The trip to Gemma's building is short. I pay and get out of the vehicle.
I don't know what I'll say once I am there. I don't know how I'll tell her everything I'm feeling.
I walk to her apartment and waited a few minutes before ringing the doorbell. To my surprise is Charlie who opens the door. He's so small, how did he do it?
"Hi," he murmurs without moving from the entrance.
"Hey, Charlie, my name is Lucy, remember?"
He nods but doesn't move.
"Can I come in, please, Charlie?"
He shakes his little head. I think he didn't recognize me.
"Charlie, what the hell?" I hear Gemma and her steps are getting closer to the door. "Oh, Lucy, hi, come in. I don't know how he opened the door. "
Gemma grabs her child and I walk in. Now she's blonde and looks very thin or maybe it's because she’s dressed entirely in black.
"Are you okay? Come here," Gemma wrap me with her free arm and I hug her. "What happened? I thought things were fine between you two. "
"What? What do you know about us? "I ask confused.
"Everything. Harry told me. I read the letter, he took a picture and sent it to me. "
"What?" I exclaimed shocked, the color of my cheeks change.
"Yes, it's very cute, I didn't know he could write."
"It's cute."
I sigh. Think about the letter is painful.
"Do you want cookies or something to drink?"
"Please, thanks."
I leave my blue bag on the floor next to the TV.
I took a seat and Gemma hands me a glass of juice. I pick up a dinosaur from the floor and handed it to Charlie.
"What happened?" She asks as she sits in front of me.
My back hurts and I realize that my muscles are tense.
"I'm too scared," I reply and my voice breaks. "He scares me."
"What? Why? What did he do? I'm worried, Lucy. "
"No, it's not what you think," I say immediately. “Everything is too much for me."
"Could you express yourself better? I'm trying to understand you. "
I nod. I try to control my tears.
"What is the matter? Harry turned out to be a big disappointment and a failure? "
I shake my head. It's completely the opposite.
Gemma's cell phone starts ringing.
"No, he-he is wonderful," I reply and I sob harder.
"Fuck, Harry is calling me. Should I answer? "
"It's your brother, of course," I muttered.
She nods and answers the call.
"Heeey, what's up?"
I clean my tears with the sleeve of my shirt and my fingers clench onto my braid. I'm losing control, I am very nervous.
"Yes, Harry, I'm here, why?"
My face lost all colors when we hear the bell.
"Oh, you're outside, super great. Be there in a second. "
Gemma hangs up and I stand up. Things weren’t planned this way.
"Dammit, fuck, I didn't know that, Lucy."
"What do I do? What do I do?" I ask and my legs are shaking.
"Hide in my room and I'll distract him here. I'll call you as soon as he leaves, okay? "
We hear the bell again. I walk across the living room and head towards Gemma's room.
+
HARRY
I wish I was drunk but I just hope that Lucy will call me. But anyway I have a bottle of vodka if Gemma wants to drink.
I didn't want to go to my sister because she always makes me feel terrible and always gets angry with me and I think that Barbara is still upset with me.
I ring Gemma's bell for the second time. I firmly hold Sherlock's cage with one arm and my other hand grabs the bottle of vodka.
"You and me Sherlock."
I hear the footsteps of my sister and suddenly the door opens.
"You look like crap."
"Thank you, sister," I roll my eyes and walk into the apartment.
"And that bottle?"
"If you want to drink,” I offer.
I left Sherlock's cage on the floor and I slide my fingers down my forehead.
"No way. What happened, Harry? "
"I am incredibly angry, disappointed and completely destroyed."
"Why?"
"Lucy disappears and doesn't say anything and thinks it's okay. It's not fair, not fair for me!" I growled, releasing my frustration. "I know I suck but I'm trying to do my best!"
"You don’t have to scream."
"I'm super furious! I wonder where the hell is she, I told her I needed her and she just becomes a ghost! "
I walk almost in circles and my fingers pull my hair due to the frustration.
"Calm down, okay?" Gemma spoke cautiously. "Come to the kitchen, let's talk for a moment."
I grabbed Sherlock's cage and looked at my shoes. As I walk I spotted a blue backpack.
"Heey, I wanted to buy a backpack to Charlie—Wait, that bag is too big for him."
It doesn't belong to Charlie.
"Lucy?" I asked aloud. "Are you here, Lucy?"
"It's mine," Gemma answered but we heard the way someone close a door. "I said it was mine."
"Liar, she's here."
I walk to the hallway and the door from Gemma's bedroom is closed.
"Lucy, that was so obvious. Get out and let's talk, "I said as my knuckles knock on the door.
I turn to my sister and she is with her arms crossed.
"Please open the door, Lucy!" I order and my knuckles knock harder the door. That is the only way to make pressure on her.
"Forget it," Gemma mumbles. "Just leave."
"You know I won’t go."
Suddenly the door opens and Lucy's here. Her hair arranged in a braid, her pale skin and her eyes are red. She looks weak and I want to hug her but I am furious.
"Where the hell have you been? I called you many times! I didn't know you were inconsiderate."
"I needed my space," she muttered. I don’t know what to say to defend myself. "Excuse me."
Lucinda starts walking and I follow her.
"You are not going to escape. Why did you lie, Lucy? "
"I lied?" She looks angry.
"You said we were fine and I believed you. You lied and then you escaped, you don't know how I felt. You are never clear. And since when you lie—? "
"Stop it!" She interrupted me. She's upset and crying at the same time. "You don't know how I feel either. Well, maybe I lied but you-you have lied too and it was terrible and you know it. "
I hold my breath and search for words.
"It doesn't....It doesn't mean I can't complain. I told you about my feelings. Maybe I'm not showing everything but I was completely happy yesterday, your presence was the only good thing about that party. I wanted you to be there and I never gave another impression about that. "
"I don't want to interrupt but you two are almost screaming and Charlie is here," Gemma speaks this time and for a moment I forgot she was here.
"Sorry, Gemma, we'll go," Lucy apologizes and goes for her backpack.
"No, wait, I have an idea," my sister said when Lucinda grabs her bag. "You can talk here but calmly. You guys need to be honest with each other; the lack of honesty is killing both. "
I don’t know if my sister wants to get rid of us or wants us to stay.
"Sit on the couch, I'll be the judge," Gemma commands and we obey.
Lucy and I sat together on a sofa, Gemma took a seat in another one and she sat Charlie on her lap.
"Look at each other, that's the idea."
We do what she says. Lucinda looks very sad but she is not the only, I feel completely miserable.
"Since we have to be honest, I hope you know that I feel miserable."
"Me too, Harry," she admits, her eyes are on her lap.
"See? We can be miserable together,” I whisper.
She doesn't answer. The sleeve of her shirt clean her tears and then she looks at Gemma.
"Lucy came here and she was very sad, I was worried so I asked if you turned out to be to be a big disappointment and she said ... come on, complete the sentence, Lucy."
"I said no."
"So what turned out to be Harry for you Lucy?"
Lucy moves her eyes from Gemma to me. She swallows. I can't understand her problem with communication.
"You can do it," Gemma encourages her.
"He turned out to be the opposite. He turned out to be different, amazing to be honest," she responds and honesty makes her cry even more. "I see the change and that scares me."
"Change scares you?"
Lucy nods.
"Change is good," I added and she looks at me for a split second.
I appreciate her honesty. Thanks to her answer my whole body is shaking and a new sensation is traveling through me.
"Now it's your turn Harry. Want to say something, brother? "
"I haven't changed that much, I do what my mind says. I'm acting differently because I know what I feel and what I want. I wrote that letter because in my mind I knew it was a good way to explain myself without interruption. I glued the flowers outside your house because I knew that an 'I'm sorry' wouldn't be enough so that's why I put a bunch of flowers. I got help but in my mind I knew it was the right thing to do.”
"Very good, right, Charlie?" Gemma nods and Charlie imitates her movement. "How did you feel when you heard that Lucy escaped from you, Harry?"
"Terrible. She means something to me. She said we were fine and I needed to know that to be calm. She lied and left without saying a word. Fine, maybe I deserve it but it doesn't mean that she can always do that and I have to tolerate it. "
"Are you mad?"
I nod.
"She just left a paper and yes, it was painful. You could have woken me up and we could have talked about it. "
"It would have been worse...," Lucy whispered.
"Now it's worse? We are talking. "
Lucy shakes her head and the sleeve of her shirt slides down her cheeks.
"Look, we slept together, I—"
"WHAT?" Gemma interrupted.
"Not that way," I roll my eyes. "We slept together, you said we were good, we cuddled, you never gave me signals that you were going to leave. The paper was terrible; you really need to improve your communication skills with people.”
"He's right about that, Lucy," Gemma nods and Charlie too.
“I have my problems too but I am willing to get over everything but with you. If it is not with you then I don't want to do it. You're worth it.”
"Look how sweet is this idiot," Gemma smiles.
"And I want you to know—"
"Harry you talked too much. Lucy, it's your turn. "
Thanks, sister.
"I'm-I’m scared of how good are you now but you had to do that to be this way."
"But I've said how sorry I am and I know is not enough—"
"Harry, please, it's Lucy's turn," Gemma interrupted, frowning.
"I guess it is still very shocking to me this whole difference. I feel that at any moment you could be like before… and that scares me. "
"What? No!" I defend right away.
"I had a nightmare yesterday about that night and I woke up very scared. Fear paralyzed me and I couldn't do anything about it.”
I open my mouth but no sound came out. I can't say anything about it. I didn't know that she dreamed about that night and that makes me understand how damaged she is.
"You always dream about that?" Gemma asks.
"No, a few times."
"Can I ask how do you feel about Harry?"
Our eyes connected and I can feel our pain. We feel the same. Lucy due to her dream and the past and for me is the risk of losing her. It's only been weeks but I have got used to, and I am determined and sure that Lucy is all I want. No matter how difficult. I was wrong, I was the one who hurt her but I also know that I can heal her.
"I am possibly the stupidest girl in this world but is-is what my heart wants. He's...He's what I want. Of course I like him, he can be good, dedicated, funny and adorable when he wants, when he really wants to be. He can protect you and care about you, and I adore when he does that. I see he's trying, I see the way he shows his feelings and-and it kills me and melts me completely. He is being what I wanted but I didn't have to ask.”
I can feel her love. I know she feels the same way I do.
"You're not stupid," Gemma and I say at the same time.
"You are not," I assure once again.
"Harry, how do you feel about Lucy?" Gemma asks.
I gulp. I have said it before but I don't know why it feels different now.
"I'm in love with her. Nothing in my life is real except her. All I thought I was is false. Nothing really matters if it is not about Lucy. I think about her constantly and that helped me to realize the truth. I was remembering her more than necessary and in every aspect, thinking about what we used to do and how much I missed her. Everything about Lucy was torturing me and I knew it was not guilty but something more. I never paid attention until I lost you, I felt your absence.”
With every word I saw how her expression changed. We still feel pain but the truth can also be a relief, a shield.
"Interesting, thank you, Harry. Now the conclusions: Well, you two are in love, both are suffering and you guys are having problems which is completely normal. Lucy you're very insecure and you need to overcome your fear, you need to leave the past but you need to let go or you will never be able to open up to someone else. And Harry, don't rush everything, don't exaggerate, I know you want to fix this but it can't be in your way, you should also think about her. Both need to be honest and talk face to face. No more letters or messages, I don't want you to disappear and leave the other alone, okay? "
We both nodded.
"Don't waste this second chance and remember why you decided to accept. It has consequences and advantages and nobody said it was easy. Enjoy, talk and be happy. Both are young and you guys could just forget this but I can see how much you are fighting for this second chance and I am very impressed and proud in some way. Not everyone has that kind of determination and that shows how much you two are in love.”
None of us answered. It's a bit shocking to hear this from someone else. We needed the opinion of someone else and I'm glad that is my sister.
"That's my opinion, I know the problem is not completely solved but we did something, don't you think?"
"Thanks," Lucy mutters. "Thanks for helping us."
"Always count on me but next time you have to pay," Gemma said. "I think now you should hold hands or I don’t know."
Lucy and I exchanged glances.
"I'm sorry," she murmurs.
"I'm sorry," I repeat.
“You guys want to say something or the rest is private?" Gemma questioned, she holds a cheeky smile on her face. "Silence means it's private, I get it. Charlie, do you think that Lucy and Harry should be together?" Gemma asks and of course Charlie doesn't understand the question.
Gemma nods and Charlie does the same movement, nodding too.
"Even Charlie believes it," my sister smiles and Lucy tries not to smile. "You want to eat or something?"
"I think...we should go, we've bothered you enough."
"Yes, Lucy is right, you helped us a lot and we appreciate it."
"Harry saying thank you, so bizarre," Gemma said.
Lucy grabs her bag and kisses Charlie and Gemma on the cheek. I do the same and then we went out of her apartment. I don't know what is going to happen now.
I take Sherlock's cage and the bottle of vodka. Lucy looks at both and she makes a gesture to hand her the cage of our hamster. Fray checks her phone and I stare at her.
"You want to go home?" I ask and Lucy shakes her head. "We could eat something or whatever you want."
"I'm fine, thanks. I was wondering if you could leave me in Mandy's house, only if you can. "
I'm disappointed; I thought I would have the opportunity to stay a little longer with her.
"Sure, come on."
"Harry, wait!" We heard Gemma and she is in the hallway. "I have some cookies for you."
I walk towards her and grabbed the bag of cookies.
"Harry, I trust you, but if you hurt Lucy, I'll rip your balls, I swear," Gemma mumbles.
She kicked me once so she's capable of anything.
"Thanks, bye."
Lucy and I left the building and walked to my car. We get into the vehicle and Lucy tells me the address.
I don't want this to end. I don't know what she's thinking but we need to clarify this.
"So, what means what we just did?"
"Problem solved?"
"Doesn't look like.”
Silence.
"What the hell, Lucy? Talk to me! "I demand, almost desperate by the silence. "What is your plan? Say a lot of things and then shut up?"
"Of course not. I am really sorry. I just want to get to Mandy's house."
"What is this? Are you trying to get away from me? "
"No, Harry, but give me my space! Do you see what Gemma said? You're rushing the things, people can't act the way you want. "
My fingers tightened around the steering wheel. So frustrating.
"I don't understand you, I don't understand what you think and what you want."
"We're fine."
"The last time you said that I woke up alone and with a letter from you," I growled.
"It affected you?"
"Did you hear what I said a few minutes ago?" I asked frustrating. "Of course. I'm in love with you, everything that happens to you also affects me. "
She nods, her head down.
" I'm-I'm acting weird and being insensitive, sorry."
"Yes, you are, like I didn't feel anything for you. Well, yes, I do, can you remember that? "
"I don't know what's happening to me, you're right," she sighs. "Leaving you this morning was a difficult decision."
"Don't do it."
"I can't promise that..."
The answer is like a stab. I feel her pain; I know what it is to be there.
"At least try not to do it, don't leave me alone in bed or leave me in general."
Lucinda looks at me for a split second and then nods. It's better than silence.
"I'm sorry, I wouldn't like you to leave me either."
"I don't have plans of do it."
"I-I need you, I’m sorry. "
"Lucy, I need you too and let's forget what happened."
This time Lucy and I smile a bit. The ice is melting between us.
"You said nice things. Do you really think of me constantly? "
"Yes. What about you?"
"Yes, you're always on my mind too. It's mutual, it’s nice."
"Everything I said is true, can you trust in what I said, please?"
"I do. If I didn't I wouldn't be in this car. "
Good point. The relief travels across my body. I feel like I can breathe better and that the huge weight on my shoulders disappears.
"You could show a little of your love, imagine I'm a puppy."
What I said was only to be funny. It worked, Lucy laughed.
"A puppy with a septum and a bunch of tattoos. Why did you say that? "
"I wanted to be funny but also remind you that this is about us, both."
"You can stop the car, this is Mandy's house," Lucy says, and I obey.
Damn, this was very quick.
I thought she would get out of the car immediately but she doesn't. Yes!
"You were trying to say I'm being cold with you, right?"
"Yeah, something like that."
Fray undoes her seatbelt, leaves Sherlock's cage in the back seat and then rushes towards me. Her back crushes with the steering wheel but she manages to finish sitting on my lap and with her arms clinging around my neck. Of course I don't waste my time and I hug her tighter.
"I think I'm going to break you a rib," I say and soften my grip around her.
"Actually, yes," she smiles and puts a hand on her right ribs.
I rest my head on her shoulder and Lucy's fingers caress my arms.
"Just talk to me, okay?"
"I will, Harry."
"You should know, I shouldn't say it."
"I know, but we can learn from each other, you can teach me and I could teach you things."
"I would like you to teach me things, Lucy."
My right hand rests on her cheek. Her face looks better, she looks tired but her eyes are no longer red. I don't want her to look so bad now that she is going to see her friend. I don't want them to hate me even more.
"You could teach me way more," she shrugs.
I raised an eyebrow. "About what?"
"I don't know, about anything," she responds with red cheeks.
"Are you trying to flirt with me? I see it on your face. "
"No, no!" She exclaimed, her hands covering her cheeks.
"I hope you don't have corrupt intentions with me," I joked.
"No, enough," she said trying to hide her smile.
I lean in to whisper on her ear.
"Well, I have corrupt intentions with you."
"Noooooooooo!"
Lucy hides her face with her hair and I laugh.
"Your jokes are not funny."
"You are funny," I say and kiss her shoulder.
Lucy gets rid of the hair on her face and scans my face through her glasses. A small smile appeared on her face.
"How can we fight and now be this way?" She asks and she seems surprised.
"It wasn't a huge fight, maybe we knew that we would solve it," I reply. "I'm willing to try and you too, it's not like there was instability in our relationship."
"You're right. Thank you for try to understand and not being a bomb. I wasn't expecting to see such a level of maturity," she plants a quick kiss on my forehead.
"I have a brain."
"I know, I know. So...are we fine?" She looks into my eyes for the answer.
I am so glad that Lucy asked this.
"Yes, we are fine, baby."
I kiss her cheek and she hugs me one last time. There is a stream flowing between us. I am glad that the day ended up this way, without Lucy wouldn't be good at all. I know I have these constant thoughts about her and that helps me to realize that I'm irremediably attracted to her. I want to tell her but I'll wait for another opportunity.
"Harry, I have to go. "
"Okay."
I helped Lucy to reach the other seat. She puts Sherlock's cage on her seat, grabs her backpack and gets out of the car.
"See you tomorrow, call me."
"Okay, be good, Lucy."
She says waves at me and then walks towards Mandy's house.
I try to secure Sherlock's cage with a seatbelt. I grab my phone and start driving.
What I need is: Less talk and more action.
"Hi, Harry!"
"Angelina, you thought about what I said?"
"Of course, idiot. I saw it in a movie but it's typical, you need to get something personal like a diary. She has one or not? "
"It's not exactly a diary but yeah. There is a list, that might help. "
"See? Problem solved! "
"You still have to help me in what I could do."
"Yes, you said that like twice and at the end we always choose your idea."
"Because my ideas are coolest than yours, Angelina."
"Idiot, of course not. I have to admit that I'm impressed, when you were my boyfriend you weren't this way. I like the way you are now. "
"Okay, Angelina, bye," I hang up and I decide to call Zayn.
Sometimes I think it was a good idea to ask for help to Angelina because I need the vision of a girl but when she says that types of thing is quite uncomfortable.
"What's uuuuuuup?" Zayn said.
"I need Madison's number."
"What for?"
"It's important."
"Of course, it's something about Lucy, you guys are together again?"
"Yes, something like that. Now give me the number of her crazy sister. "
"I'll send a message. Hey, you have to come to the bar we have a problem. "
"Okay, bye."
I receive Zayn's message and I call the number. This is a difficult call. I hope it works. She is my only hope because Madison is the only access I have to Lucy. Although she is not the most appropriate person.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Madison. It's Harry, I need to talk to you. "
"What do you want?"
She doesn't sound very excited about my call.
"I have something you want but instead I need something."
"What is it?"
"You must keep it as a secret. It's something that is in Lucy's room and I need you to find it."
"Aaah, dammit, seriously?!"
"What the hell were you thinking?" I growled, frowning.
"Does it really matter?" She exclaimed bitterly. "I can't believe it. You really like that little and nerdy worm called Lucy? "
"She is infinitely better than you in every way. I would feel ashamed to be someone like you. Anyway I didn't call to talk about that. What I have it's what you need and you will not regret it, are you in or not? "
"Okay," Madison accepted.
Did you already made your letter to Santa? I did it hehehe.