Please read the author's note at the end, I will explain a few things.
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[Lucy]
I felt angry before, angry because I couldn't find a book I wanted or when I didn't get the grade I was expecting or when my mother didn't give me money to buy a video game. But everything is so silly, all those details are irrelevant. That was kind of anger completely different as I feel now. Anger, helplessness, fear but hope...I have a whole mixture inside of my body.
Right, left, right, left, right, those are the words I repeat in my mind. A sheen of sweat deposited on my forehead and my arms ache for the hard work but I don't stop. I never thought I would do boxing in my life, it's a challenging sport but it helps. Now I send all those mixed feelings on the punching bag. It hurts but I'm learning.
"Lucy is enough," big hands rested on the bag on both sides and it pulls me out of my thoughts.
"Sorry," I muttered to the teacher and blush.
"Flirt with him," Gemma mouthed silently toward me and I roll my eyes. Doesn't she know me? I would never do that and I have no idea why she said that.
"We will take a break of 10 minutes," our professor tells us and after that Gemma walks toward me.
"I didn't know you were a tough girl, you were on another level while you were hitting that punching bag.”
"This is fun," I shrug.
"The teacher is handsome," Gemma smiles and I roll my eyes. Honestly he's not my type, I don't have a type but our teacher would never go into any of my categories.
"Let's go back to Marcel," I say and we make our way to the other Styles.
Marcel decided to come; lately he is spending more time with me which is great. Marcel is sitting on the seats of this gym and Charlie is next to him. It's funny to see the two together and Marcel is not a bad babysitter.
I want to grab my bottle of water but my friend was ready and he handed to me and Gemma our bottles.
"Thank you babysitter," Gemma smiles and Marcel gave a small book to Charlie.
"You two were amazing!" Marcel squeaked. "You are tough girls and you two are ready to kick ass."
"We are just beginning but this is fun, I guess we'll be able to kick ass someday," Gemma shrugs.
"Lucy you looked concentrated and it was intense, um, a-and you also looked sexy!" Both blush at his words and Gemma doesn't hide her laugh.
"I wonder why the Styles have a thing for Lucy," Gemma smiles.
Marcel doesn't answer and the laughter doesn't come from my throat so we sink into a brief awkward silence.
"Here, you had a towel on your backpack," Marcel handed me a white towel and I wiped the sweat from my forehead. "I have your glasses here, do you want—?"
"No, no thanks," I reply quietly but there is still a blush on my cheeks by the unexpected words of Marcel.
"You should do boxing Marcel, don't you think?" Gemma asks as she sits next to her son.
"Oh no, no," he shakes his head. "I'm really bad for sports and I always do like two minutes of jogging on physical education. Also look at my arms, there is nothing," Marcel flexes his arms and there is no muscles. "Harry has a lot, it's not fair," he whines.
Gemma pinched Marcel's bicep and I smiled at my friend. Harry has a well-worked biceps with beautiful tattoos, which I could kiss all day but the thing is I don't want Marcel to compare himself with Harry. Marcel is perfect the way he is.
"You're fine that way, really," Marcel blushes by my words and eventually I blush too.
"You two are connected, both blush at the same time," Gemma said and her eyes are scanning us. I must admit that sometimes her sense of humor vaguely reminds me of Harry.
I don't answer; I looked down and pretend to pay attention to my nails.
"I'm proud of you, Lucy," Marcel speaks and I look up. "You are learning to self-defense and now I think I'll have my own bodyguard," we laugh, coming from Marcel this is really an unexpected comment.
The teacher called everyone and Gemma and I met with the rest of the group.
+
Boxing is helping me. I decided to push Gemma to sign up on the classes. The idea wasn't so excited at the beginning but now I've finally learned to love this.
I decided to do it after all that happened. I thought about Gemma, I thought of those men who beat me or when they beat one of the girls who worked there and I even thought about Harry and every time I've seen him fight with someone. Sometimes you may be oblivious of what is happening around you. I'd say I've been blind for a long time. The world is cruel and I'm scared but I can't allow the space for fear. When I'm not in boxing I am afraid but I don't want to feel that way, not anymore, I really want to prove to myself that I am strong.
We are all sitting at lunch. Cassie is happy and back to be herself and I think that is because she met someone. I hear the laughter of Mandy and Ryan and I think they are finally happy with their relationship. Marcel is reading a chess book and he is completely focused on it and I smile while I watch him. It is strange that we are all together, these are my friends and they are all that I have. But even with them I feel there is a missing piece, a missing part of the puzzle.
My eyes wander around the place and I found Eric, he was walking towards us but someone stopped him. I must admit I'm surprised, but I shouldn't be, because everyone knows each other in this school except for me...and Marcel.
I don't know how well Emily knows Eric but both develop a quick and normal conversation. She smiles at him but he barely returns the gesture. Curiosity fills me and I wish I could have super powers to listen to their conversation right now
"Why were you talking to her?" I ask as soon as Eric sits next to me. My words don't come out aggressively or suspiciously, I'm just curious.
"Are you jea—?"
"I'm curious," I cut him off and I want to hear the answer.
"She was just talking," he replies quietly and turns his attention to his plate.
I waited for an answer a little longer but nothing came out of Eric's mouth. I stare at him for a few seconds and he smiles.
"Stop looking at me Lucy."
"No," I leaned a bit more towards Eric and his smile grows. Why he doesn't tell me? "Come on."
"Forget it."
"Eric."
"No."
"What were you two talking about?" I squint.
"God Lucy, is not your problem!" I almost jump in my seat for his reply and the abrupt change in his voice.
"She was just asking a question, calm down," Marcel speaks and I realize that my other friends are watching us.
"It's fine, we are fine," I smiled and looked down at my plate.
"Yes, super fine," Eric says with sarcasm and that's the end of the conversation.
He had never spoken to me like that. I know, maybe I was insistent but I didn't expect that Eric would be upset about it because we've talked about a lot of things. In addition he also tends to be insistent with some topics about my life just to "help"... which lately he hasn’t. Lately we haven't done anything together.
I exhale the air from my lungs before looking at Eric.
"You could go with me to boxing classes."
"No, thanks, I have things to do," he replies without looking back.
Well, he is angry. I give up.
Marcel is still focused on his book and my other friends are still talking and eating. I stay quiet and after a few minutes I finally decided to do the last thing I should do while I'm here.
I try to resist but I give up so easily and my eyes found Harry. It's been two weeks since the last time I talked to him, since what happened that awful day.
It's always strange to see him but something happened to him today. Niall and Louis are throwing scraps of food and laughing, Liam and Zayn are talking and Harry is staring at his plate. Emily is on his side with her head resting on his shoulder and checking her cell phone, he looks absent despite being surrounded by people. Emily whispers something in his ear and then gave him a short kiss on the lips. I shudder, it's almost traumatizing and that only confirms the fact that I still can't get over this boy at all.
I'm brave, I don't look away and examine every move they make. She talks and talks and Harry nods briefly and remains absent. Many thoughts run through my mind but I think in an opposite world, in a different world the girl next to Harry should be me. I don't have enough reasons to support my crazy thought but I think that between the entire lie was some truth, something that brought us together or brought me to him.
I remember one day we go out with our bikes and it rained that day. The funny and unexpected was the fact that Harry fell from his bike while trying to impress me. I wanted to laugh but instead I helped him. He was truly embarrassed and among all those tattoos and his attitude there was a small child that needed attention, a boy who had the noble intention of wanting to impress a girl. My heart melted, I found it so sweet. Harry made a few jokes, some funny and some not but I laughed anyway and he smiled showing his beautiful dimples and kissed me after that. And I felt it, I felt pure love. My stomach full of elephants and my skin burning for his lips. Maybe for me it was too much while for him was another fake kiss.
I shudder, not for my cruel thought but rather because I've been looking at Harry all this time and now he is looking at me too. Green eyes, beautiful green eyes. I'm still not used to it, I look away and my hands are sweating.
How did he know I was watching him? God, I bet I looked like a psychopath.
"You definitely don't have your head in the game, Fray," Eric whispers in my ear. I shudder, I forgot he was here.
He doesn't give me time to respond, Eric gets up and leaves. I stay with a mixture of strong feelings within me but neither of those it's for him but rather to the Styles that I can't get out of my head.
+
I hold Charlie in my arms as we walk to the gym. Gemma is asking me the questions I wrote in my notebook and I answer it. I have found a new way to study.
"How many chromatids are visible at end of mitotic prophase?"
"Two chromatids," I respond right away and Charlie hits my glasses with his hand.
"Don't do that Charlie!" Gemma scolds her son. "The answer was correct. You answered everything, you're ready," Gemma closed my notebook and opens the door of the gym.
"Thanks for helping me, Gemma."
"You're good, how do you learn all this?"
"If you like it then it's not hard," I shrug.
This time Gemma holds Charlie and gives me back my notebook. We slid our cards in front of a machine and walked towards the area where we practice boxing.
"I always hated science, I barely remember the name mitotic and what it is."
"It is easy and fun."
We left our bags on a bench and Gemma pulls a toy for Charlie.
There are a few people from our boxing class and the teacher is not in sight. I look at my wrist watch and there are still 7 minutes for the class.
"Why Marcel couldn't come today?"
"He was practicing chess," I reply to Gemma as I tie my hair. "There will be a competition in a week and he needs to practice."
"I hate chess," Gemma growls.
"I think it's interesting but it's not my thing."
"Have you thought about what you want to major?" Her question shouldn't surprise me. The worst thing about this is that I don't know what I want.
"I don't know," I replied. "But I want to study in another city, my mother wants that too."
"She wants you to study medicine like her, or am I wrong?"
"She has a lot of hope about it, I know she really wants me to do that,” I sighed. "How about you?"
"My mom didn't want me to be a teacher, she wanted me to be a lawyer but I refused. Now she has her hopes on Harry."
"You think he will do it?" I asked very curious.
Gemma took her time to respond; she sits Charlie on her lap and strokes his hair while thinking about the answer.
"I don't know. Harry failed a year and he has normal grades but clearly he is not the best. He knows he must study if he wants to go to college, if he thinks about it, "Gemma sighs. "But deep down I know he will make it."
"I think so too," I nod.
"Maybe he doesn't talk too much with our parents but deep down Harry has always wanted to please them. I know it's weird but I wanted to do it too. Despite everything that happened all you want is...attention, attention from your own parents, show that you worth something don't you think? "Her voice is sad and slow and everything she said just makes me remember the day that Harry told me a bit about his life.
"Of course," I say the only words that came to mind.
"Maybe he doesn't want to be a lawyer but I know he'll do something, I know he will find the way to show that he is worth something. Harry and I have been a disaster but we have been that way because there was never anyone to control us but I left that world, because of Charlie of course," she kisses her son's forehead and then looks at me. "Drugs, alcohol and temptation are so accessible to teenagers, for a moment we were so deep down on that world but I found a way to escape and Harry is not as sunk as before."
I don't know at what point this conversation became so serious but curiosity is killing me and I have many questions and I want to know so many things. I really wish that Gemma will answer me but I wish it was Harry who told me all this.
None of my friends had similar stories as them and I never thought that people are suffering this type of things until I met Harry. Again I feel blind because I have lived in this small, naive and perfect world when the reality of the others is completely different. It makes me feel very sad, not only for Harry and Gemma but in general.
"When you're a teenager you are more unconscious, there are plenty of people who pretend to be your friends, a lot of boys will break your heart, you will feel disappointed many times, drugs are everywhere and sometimes you just want to do it because everyone else does, it’s stupid but it happens. You don't have a fully formed personality then sometimes you can be easily influenced, that happened to me," Gemma sighs."The world is a cruel place already but there is always room for more."
"Okay class, we are ready, everybody here!" The teacher's voice brings me back to reality.
"He's so hot," Gemma expression changes immediately once her eyes are on our teacher. "Stay here okay Charlie? Mom will be watching you from there, "Gemma handed to Charlie another toy and gets up from the bench.
I don't know how she changed so fast her expression and mood. I could never do that.
We walked into the circle with the other members of our boxing class. We have a class once a week. Not everything is fast, you don't learn quickly how to fight like boxers on television.
We are practicing with our fists and learn how not to hurt it while doing that. I'm not doing so well because it hurts my knuckles when I hit the punching bag. I will get better, I have intentions of doing that and to defend myself from the cruel people who hit me.
My fingers gently touch my ribs, they hit me there and Harry found out when he hugged me. I wouldn't show it to him, I was too embarrassed, ashamed, confused and scared. He was angry and honestly we were both in a storm of feelings but in different contexts and levels that night.
I didn't tell anyone about that, I couldn't do it because I could never find the words and I realized I wouldn't be able to trust that to anyone.
"Okay, everybody grab a jump rope we are going to start with the warm up," I hear the teacher's voice and we followed his instruction.
"I just realized something," Gemma speaks next to me and I handed her a rope. "Emily is here and I have no fucking idea what she is doing here."
Did I hear right? Emily?
"What?"
"Don't move!" Gemma whispers and I don't turn around. "She's dressed like us and greeting the teacher. Oh God, why am I not surprised? "Gemma rolls her eyes.
"Why do you say that?" I whisper.
"This city is not very big and I don't know why everyone knows each other. The thing is that she is bitch or was because she is completely obsessed with my brother," Gemma answered and she eyes up over my shoulder. I looked at her worried, did she say obsessed? "Well, not obsessed but I don't know, Emily is a weird person."
"Why do you say that?"
"By the way she thinks, the way she acts without thinking of others, I find her so selfish and rude," Gemma Styles raises her eyebrows.
"Maybe she is here for boxing."
"Don't be naive Lucy, she's here for you."
"What?" I blurted out, suddenly frightened. "Why?"
"Because she knows you were with Harry. I had a friend named Noelle who was crazy about Harry. At a party I was with my friend Emily hit her," I start to bite my nails. "Emily was a bit drunk but that was a big fight. She is like a wild animal, but I don't blame her because my brother is too, "Gemma rolls her eyes.
"Harry never was violent, the only times he got angry it was justified and in very particular occasions."
Harry was violent with those guys who beat me and that is totally justifiable. He never acted that way when he was with me.
"I'm glad he acted that way with you but when he was with her he was a disaster."
"Don't use past because...because, um, they're together."
"I am not surprised, Harry is a guy and guys are idiots who never know what they want," she growls.
"Come on girls, let's jump, let's warm up!" The teacher scolds us gently and Gemma and I obey immediately.
"So are you saying she is going to beat me or threaten me?"
"No way I would let her hit you and no, she is here to talk to you."
"To talk...just talk?"
"I guess."
"How do you know that?" I gasp and try to control my breathing while I jump the rope.
"Because I know her, you should keep your enemies close. I've seen her throwing imaginary knives for her eyes for any girl to land her eyes on Harry. My brother also used to be obsessed with her, Jesus, what a sick and stupid love Teenagers are stupid, no offense," I shrug. "I don't understand why they felt or feel so jealous, that just shows that Harry and Emily are very insecure about themselves," Gemma spits.
"Oh," I look down at my feet.
"Before she left Harry used to say that he loved her, that Emily was everything to him. In my opinion it is all fake and maybe he just likes the idea of the liberal and adventurous she is," Gemma gasps due to the exercise. "Boys love a challenge and I guess that's what she is to him."
"You say some things in the past and others present, I'm confused."
"I'm telling you what I know Lucy, lately I haven't spoken to Harry so I really don't know what will be going through his mind right now."
"You just said that Harry liked the idea of her, what do you mean?"
"These weeks have given me time to think, I was not in love with Taylor, I was in love with the idea of security, adventure and the strange love he gave me. But it was all fake, I just liked the idea not him to be exact. "
"Oh, I see."
I really didn't understand.
I focus on jump the rope while trying to digest all the information I just received. This is too much for me. I think of the word "obsession" over and over again. Somehow I can imagine Emily that way. She looks dangerous, attractive, she looks self confident, she walks through the halls swinging her hips and using clothing that fits perfectly to her body and she always has a half smile on her mouth. Cassie jokes about her by her last name, Emily Manson as Charles Manson the famous criminal. It's not a funny joke but creative indeed. Cassie also said that Emily is a bitch but I prefer not to say anything about it.
I lift my eyes, Emily is at the other side of our circle and she is jumping the rope and she is very concentrated. My eyes slide down her long, skinny legs and then to her face. She looks like a challenge; I couldn't explain why I think this but Gemma is right. Maybe it's because she's sexy.
We jumped the rope for 10 minutes and once we finished the teacher explains what we will do next. I dedicate my attention to him but I feel the strange feeling that someone is watching me. God, I wonder if Harry felt this way when I was looking at him as psychopath a few days ago.
I am not afraid, she will not beat me and Gemma is not going to tolerate that so I shouldn't be scared at all. I look up and faced her. I'm not wearing my glasses, I can't see very clearly on the distance but I can notice that she has a lot of makeup and much eyeliner and you can barely see the blue of her eyes. Emily's fingers leave her long blonde hair and she waves her hand, greeting me. I half smiled and she returned the gesture. This is terrifying.
My fingers tied my hair stronger and I slide my hands along my old short. I'm nervous, I admit. She is intimidating; not only for her height but also by the way she is looking at me. I decide to ignore her; I don't know Emily and I don't have to talk to her.
I focus on myself, that is important. Our teacher makes us remember the most basic hit on boxing and then he allows us to practice. My fingers touch my ribs and if I close my eyes I can remember everything clearly. My memory starts when they took me in the car until Harry ducked in front of me and carried me in his arms and it always stops there. I know what happened next but every time I come here that is the little film that played in my mind and reminds me why I'm here.
All students give us space to each other, there are two rows and stood before us. Gemma stood in front of me. What you need to do is look at your opponent and practice the movement. We all start at the same time. Right, left, right, left. The teacher goes to each student and if necessary he corrected or congratulated the person.
Gemma is very cheeky with him; I can only tell by the way she looks at him or smiles. Her technique didn’t work to our teacher and he remains quite professional.
He corrected my mistake and I pay attention to his advice and his words. We practiced that way for about 10 minutes more and then he allows about 10 minutes to practice with the punching bag.
"Emily is watching you, she's so obvious," Gemma says as we stand facing the heavy bag. "Psycho bitch is all that I have to say."
"You hate her?"
"No, I don't but I can't stand her."
"Why don't you talk to Harry about her?"
"When I tried in the past he didn't listen to me and I don't know what could happen now," she sighs and begins with soft punches against the heavy bag.
I start practicing too. I imagine that every punch is for someone I don't like, someone who has hurt me. It always amazes me that different faces appear; I am not a person who wants to have enemies. Even in my imagination, Harry appears but is not the strongest punch I do.
After 10 minutes we stop and practice something else. After about 20 minutes the teacher gives us a few minutes to drink water and take a quick rest.
Gemma talks to the teacher and I stay with her son. I sit in the floor in front of Charlie who is on the bench. He is quiet and adorable. I drink water and he plays with the fingers of my left hand. I gave him a toy and we play with his dinosaurs.
"Hello Charlie!" I hear a woman's voice and is not Gemma. My eyes met Emily as she crouches next to me. "It's been so long! How are you?"
Charlie looks at her and then he kept playing with his toy. I turn around and Gemma is watching me.
"Psycho bitch," she mouthed.
"Hi Lucy," I looked back at Emily and I smiled, suddenly nervous and scared.
"Um, hello, how-?"
"I need to talk to you," She cut me off.
Charlie throws his toy and the dinosaur landed on Emily's cheek.
"Don't do that, Charlie," I say gently and pick the toy. "Sorry."
"Sure," Emily gets up and I think she's waiting for me to do the same. "I said I had to talk to you," she repeated because I stayed on the floor.
There is no escape. I grab my glasses before I got up.
"Hi Emily," I hear Gemma's voice and she sits Charlie on her lap.
"Hi Gemma," Emily gave a short nod. That was a very cold greeting. "I saw you flirting with the teacher."
"Good news Emily! Not your fucking problem."
"Just saying," she shrugs. Both glared a each other for a few seconds and then Emily smiles at me. "Now, can we talk?"
I nod and she grabs my arm and dragged me across the room. Well, this is weird. Once we are far from Gemma she releases my arm.
"So what—?"
"I want us to be friends," her smile grew a little more. I'm confused.
"Why would you want to be my friend?" I blurted out.
"Why not?" She shrugs. "I'm not as bad as I guess Gemma told you. You must remember that she is Harry's sister, both are liars."
"Don't talk about them that way," I frown.
I can't understand her comment, why would she say that? Harry is not a liar, well, sort of but not Gemma. Gemma stays out of this.
"I can say whatever I want. I know them, you don't. "
"I know them too," I squint.
"Yeah, sure you do," she answered full of sarcasm. "So, want to be my friend?"
This is a very strange way to talk about friendship. I could never be her friend but I don't want to be rude. 'You must keep your enemies close' was what Gemma said but Emily is not my enemy, I think.
"I don't know. Is that what you want to talk to me?"
"Basically yes. I spoke to you at that party when we met and you didn't tell me it was you, you were the girl that Harry—"
"I don't want to talk about it," I cut her off and I try to sound friendly.
"Well, I want. Now tell me, why didn't you tell me? "
"I didn't want, it's my problem—"
"Harry is my boyfriend so he is my problem."
"I don't understand and the break is almost over and—"
"Why didn't you tell me? It's a very simple question," she growls and takes a step towards me. Her height is intimidating and I step back.
"I thought you would laugh at me or be mad and honestly I didn't want any fights."
"Good job, finally Lucy. Was it so hard? I don't think so. "
"Okay so, that was it? Because I have to—"
"Wait," she grabs my arm and I get rid of her grip. My action bothers Emily and I feel the tension growing between us. "I haven't finished."
But I did.
"I have a few more things, a question and I'll tell you something that I'm sure it will make you happy."
I don't understand what this is all about.
"But first, I want to know what you did to my boyfriend."
"Excuse me?" I blink, I'm confused.
"Yes, Lucy, you traumatized him. What did you do to Harry?"
"I don't know what you're talking about Emily."
"He has barely touched me, he looks kind of afraid, Harry is not that way, so I will ask you one last time: What the hell did you to him you little girl?"
+
Author's note
Hi, first thanks for your patience and I hope you liked it
Second, I'm back to college so YES, updates will be slower and weekends only, I guess. I am daily from 8.30 am to almost 7 pm and it is practically impossible to have time to write and sometimes I will have classes on Saturdays so I'll just throw myself off a cliff.
Third, I read all your comments and appreciate every one of your votes, thank youuu.
Fourth, I've missed you all and I hope you all are fine and have a good weekend. If you have a question or idk sent a message or in my ask or idk. Love you all and cyber hugs for everyone, au revoir.