READ: Just to let you know I'm going to change my username to harryandtea!
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+ + + + LUCY. (Tuesday)
Finally I'm home, I know I should be resting but I'm studying. I'm watching some videos on youtube to understand some math exercises. The math contest is this Saturday, only 3 days and I'm nervous.
I talked with Marcel a few hours ago and he told me that the competition will be tough.
I try to focus on what I'm doing but there is a image that spins in my mind and for once it's not about Harry.
It's about Cassie and Matt today in the cafeteria. The way in which they looked, the way they laughed or talked to each other. I was overwhelmed with all their demonstrations of love. I was jealous but also curious. I wanted to know how it felt and for the first time I wanted to someone to look at me as Matt looks at Cassie. I've always seen in movies and apparently is something unique or more than that.
A kiss is a demonstration of affection and love. A kiss is something personal and intimate. It's something you can give to someone special.
I once read that a kiss has several health benefits, for example, helps you lose calories, makes you feel better and helps to your self-esteem. That's a lot and it's just a kiss. I didn't feel anything like that because my first kiss was stolen, if I could I would change it.
But I don't know, I always observe couples kissing in high school and I feel that I am not able to. Because, ugh, saliva and germs, that should be disgusting but people don't care.
Anyway, I'm curious. I wonder how people kiss, most of them open their mouth and use their tongues but how? I mean, there has to be a secret or technique.
I know it's weird but I searched the internet, "how to kiss". It amazes me the number of pages. I choose one and I read. I opened another page and continued reading. Basically what it says is that you should brush your teeth, take a breath mint, don't be nervous, that your tongue doesn’t act like crazy and that it has to be slow and delicate.
I find another page that talk about different types of kiss. The French kiss, the shy kiss, the kiss on the corner of the lips and so on.
Everything I've read is the theoretical but I have not seen any of the practical, the real part. I went to youtube and searched "learn how to kiss." There are many videos of different girls talking about the kiss or their first kiss. I stopped at a video in which a girl teach how to kiss.
I don't know whether to laugh or close the page. She teaches how you have to be flirty and how to act on the first kiss. Then she acts as if she is kissing someone. I imitate her movements. She opened and closed her mouth, I do the same. She moves her tongue in a weird way and, laughing, I do that too.
Strange but funny, how they do it? I mean how do they know which way they should move their tongue? Or how...
"Oh my god, you're so weird!" I jump when I heard Madison's voice.
I closed the page and turned to her. "It's not what you think." I stutter nervous.
"I'm not stupid, you were watching a video on how to kiss, that's so pathetic, you're so fucking pathetic." Madison frowns.
Auch. I keep my mouth shut because she is right. If I see this as a third person, I truly look pathetic.
"Wh-what do you want?" I asked.
"I will not waste my time talking to you." Madison says as she leaves my room.
I blink a few times at the door and then I turn to my desk. What a shame, Madison will bother me until the end of time.
"How are you honey?" I jumped, again, when I heard the voice of my mother.
"Mom?" I asked confused. "What are you doing here?"
"I was about to take a shower, my shift is two hours. Are you studying? "I nodded. "Take a break and watch TV in my room, if you want." My mother says before leaving my room.
For a moment I think of rejecting her invitation but an idea illuminates my head. This is a good time to check her things while she is showering.
I know I've been a little distracted but I don't forget this whole problem. I will not let this problem go until I find evidence, until I know if this is real or a lie. And I hope it's the second option.
"And where is Mike?" I say, entering on her room. My question is pretty stupid because I know he is in the hospital.
"Mike is working." Lily responds pulling a towel from her wardrobe.
"Oh, great." That's all I can think to say. I get rid of my shoes, I climbed the bed and turn on the television.
"We talk when I get out of the shower." My mom says before entering the bathroom.
When I hear the sound of water falling is when I get out of bed. I have about 10 minutes before my mother finished her bath. Where I can search? I know! The nightstand!
I bend down and open the first drawer of her nightstand. Papers, medicines and makeup. Ugh, nothing. I open the second drawer and there are exactly the same things but something catches my attention. I blush while I grab a white box.
Condoms.
"Oh my god." I say throwing the box back into the drawer.
I walk toward the wardrobe and I search carefully on the pockets of her clothes. Nothing, it's all empty. The only thing I have left to check is the chest of drawers and between the shelves. I don't think there is something in Mike's nightstand, would be stupid.
I open one of the drawers and I look between her underwear. My search is interrupted by a faint sound. I stand still and I try to listen. It is a buzz, the buzz of a cell to be more specific. It must be my mother's cell phone.
I turn to the bed as I try to follow the faint sound. I move the pillows and I search between the sheets but there is no sign of the object. The cell phone is vibrating somewhere in the room.
I try to concentrate on the sound while I'm watching all her set of furniture. I head to the wardrobe and the sound intensified slightly. I star to check their clothing, but no signals of the mobile and is still vibrating. Oh god, who is calling her?
Where could it be?, I thought looking down at my feet. Um , I know is stupid but maybe is hidden among the shoes. I bent down, I started touching her high heels and I stop at a shoe that is vibrating. Bingo.
Without volume and well hidden my mother left it, I cannot believe it. She's definitely hiding something.
The phone stops vibrating when I catch in my hands. The screen lights up with an unknown number that is not saved in her contact list.
I clicked the message button and nothing, she must delete all messages. I don't think she has any picture to help me solve this mystery but anyway I check her gallery and, again, nothing.
I leave the phone in the same shoe and I walk back to the bed but I stop quickly when the phone vibrates again.
I rushed and I pulled out the phone from the shoe. She has a message and I think it's the same unknown number. I look at the screen without opening the message yet, this is a big step, this could tell the truth or could lead me anywhere. I hold my breath as I open the message:
When I will see you again?
Is that all? Ugh, I'm in a blind spot, this is nothing but at the same time it might mean something, maybe Madison is right. I swallowed and deleted the message. I put the phone inside the shoe and lie down on her bed.
I hope that Madison is not, I hope everything is a lie. Oh please, my mom can't have a lover, she just can't. Feelings of anger and sadness overwhelm me.
This can't, I just... I can't even formulate a proper thought. I feel my eyes watering and I have a lump in my throat. If she has a lover I don't know what I'm going to do.
There is a phrase that says: "Everyone deserves a second chance but not for the same mistake."
And this phrase identifies perfect this situation. I don't know if I will be able to forgive her.
I'm out of my thoughts when the bathroom door opens. I wipe a tear and I sit in bed.
"Are you crying Lucy?" Mom asks.
"Oh, no, no, I just...I got something in my eye."
"Oh, okay." Lily dries her hair with a towel and sits on the bed. "I prepared a chocolate cake, you want some?" I nodded in response and I left the room almost running towards the kitchen.
I guess the food fight against sadness.
I pull out a knife and two plates. I cut a piece of cake and I stayed silent.
"Finally I made a good cake." Lily said walking into the kitchen.
"Yes, you're right." I whispered.
"If you want I can give you some money for you to buy clothes or go out with Marcel before the contest."
"Okay." I nodded without hearing her words. I cut a piece of cake with a fork and looked at carefully. I have a lump in my throat, I can't eat this.
"Lucy dear, are you okay? Is something wrong? "Lily asked grabbing the other plate with the cake.
I don't know what to say, I can't describe what I'm feeling right now. I'm angry, I'm so sad and disappointed about my mother. I need answers but I can't wait for them, maybe I should ask my mom but it would be very impulsive but sometimes that is who i am.
"Lily, why you cheated my father?" Immediately I regret every single word that came out of my mouth.
The fork is dropped from her hands, hits the table and then we stayed in silence. Her eyes look at me in surprise but quickly change. I think she's angry, but why? She knows what she did.
"What did you just say?" Lily growls.
"No-nothing." I stammered.
"Don't be a coward Lucy, say it." I think she's mad. I swallow and I ask again:
"Why you che-cheated on my father?"
"I thought we talked about this."
"Not really, you never answer me." My mother always becomes defensive when I try to talk about this.
"If I don't answer is for a reason." Her voice is harsh and serious.
"Well...you should do it, I...I deserve an answer." I whispered.
"You think I haven't noticed the way you look at me? I know what goes through your head, you're just like your father, all you do is just blaming and judging me...except that you haven't dared to say anything until now."She spits.
"I just want one reason, just one."
"I wasn't happy; your father never gave me what I needed."
"You could have separated from him instead of cheat and make him suffer. You know how Daniel and I were feeling? You destroyed our family. "
"Me?" My mother laughs. "You see! Just like your father, the same words. I moved here to get away from your father and at the end I brought his shadow with me. "She says pointing at me.
"What? You think I want to be here? I just came to live with you because my father has a girlfriend. "I said without stuttering but still with a low tone." It's your fault... "
"My fault?" My mother laughs. "You must be joking Lucinda." Lily said through clenched teeth. "I didn't force your father to continue his life and seek a girlfriend."
"I know but—"
"But nothing! Don't come to blame me for the stupid things you think. "She almost yells. "If you want you can leave, go back to your father or live with Daniel, I don't care. If you're gonna judge and bring back my past I don't care what you are going to do Lucy."
Her words is acid burning my skin. Does she mean it? Auch.
"I married your father for you, because I was pregnant with you and my parents almost forced me. I loved your father, but it was never enough, I never felt alive to him. "
"And for that...you went with another man?" I frowned. "It's... pathetic ..." I whispered.
"Pathetic?" Lily laughs. "I don't really care about your opinion."
"How can you not care? How can you be so selfish? "
"Shut up, stop asking so many questions." My mother says through clenched teeth. "Maybe in that silly little world in which you live there is an answer for everything but in the real world not everything Lucy has an explanation." She spits. "So enough."
"But—“
"Shut up Lucinda!" I jumped when my mother yelled. "Let me say one more thing... Lucinda, you love your father so much, could you tell me where is he now? He calls you?" I recoil at her words. That was a direct blow to my heart. "That's what I thought, you know nothing of him." She answers when I don't answer. "So stop judge me, you should judge your father who lately doesn't care about you." Her words are more painful than she thought. I don't say anything but I admit that she is right.
"But ... but mom—"
"No, stop. I can’t deal with this now. "Lily said before leaving the kitchen.
I stay quiet looking where she was a few seconds ago. I heard a door slam and I know I'm alone, alone as always I have been.
I can't believe all that she said, the cruel manner in which she has treated me. I can understand that she was angry but she's my mother, she can not do this to me.
I cover my mouth to stifle a sob but I'm already crying. I hate to be so sensitive, so weak.
I'm so overwhelmed with different feelings and thoughts that this is just too much for me. I just asked a question, I just wanted an answer but I received more than I expected. The way she talked to me, the way she remained on the defensive, no doubt she's doing it again and I bet that she has no regrets.
How can she be so cruel?
I feel horrible and I feel incredibly lonely. I need someone, I can't deal with this alone.
I pull my phone out of my pocket and I looked at the screen with watery eyes. I could call Cassie but she would make too many questions, could be Marcel but he lives in his own world, I think he couldn't understand me. Maybe Ryan or Adam but I haven't talked to them for a while, they are not an option.
And what about Harry?
I don't think it's a good idea, he knows "everything" but I wonder if he would help me, if he would hold me and tell me exactly what I want to hear.
"Everything will be okay." I can imagine those words coming from his lips; I can imagine his emerald eyes glued to mine. I need somebody, I need Harry.
I need you Harry.
I write with trembling fingers and then I send the message before I change my mind. I don't think he comes to my house but I tried anyway.
I leave the phone on the table and head to the counter to pour some water into a glass. I walk out the backyard door as I head straight to the tea house, is my favorite place to hide myself.
I opened the door and I entered into the small house. I sit in a chair and let the glass on the table. I hide my face as I hug my knees and I just cry. I guess the only thing I can do, let everything go with every tear that falls from my eyes.
These are the moments in which I don't want exist or at least I like to be invisible or stronger. I feel so hurt, my mother didn't measure her words, she simply spat at me.
Maybe I leave as she said, anyway she doesn't care. Maybe I could go back to London and live with Daniel, I couldn't live with my father again, I can't stand his girlfriend. She is not bad I'm the problem, I can't stand the fact that my father has another woman in his life, another woman who is not my mother.
I guess I can't get over the fact that they continue with their lives while I'm stuck in the past, stuck in memories that will not return. I should stop thinking about the dream of the perfect family or think that my parents will get back together.
I'm so stupid, I'm so pathetic and naive for believing in such stupid ideas, stupid fantasies. I hate to admit but I am basically everything that people say about me.
A slight knock on the door take me out of my thoughts. What? Did I hear right?
"Lucy?" Oh my god, this must be a joke. "Lucy?" My heart races at the voice of Harry. I can't believe he's here.
"Com-come in." I say between sobs. The door opened and Harry sticks his head inside the tea house. "Hi."
"What is this place?" Harry asked entering the small house. He enters crouching, he grabs the only available chair and sits next to me.
It's kinda funny because I fit here perfectly and he looks like a giant locked in a barbie house.
"It's um, m-my hiding place." Harry bent his knees and looks at me intently. His emerald eyes look beautiful today, his hair is messy and he is dressed to perfection. My heart is squeezed inside me, I want to scream and run because I like Harry Styles.
"What the fuck happened? Why are you crying? "He asked...worried? I can't decode the emotion that crosses his eyes.
"I can't believe you came." I whispered. I'm impressed, does he really came because I send a message?
"You said you needed me." Harry shrugged. "How are you?"
"I'm not okay." I sighed.
"Problems?" I nodded. "You can tell me." He said with a slight smile. I guess I can trust him, right?
"I had problems with my mother, she said horrible things about me, about my father and...I don't know..I." I can't talk anymore. I cry and Harry just looks at me in silence.
"What did you do? What did you say?"
"I found my mother's cell phone that was hidden on her wardrobe and she had a message from a stranger." I sobbed."I immediately thought the worst and on a very... very impulsive way I-I asked her why she cheated on my father." I said, wiping a few tears.
"Shit Lucy." Harry shakes his head. "I guess your mom got really pissed and yelled at you."
"Exactly." I sighed. "She was very cruel, was very defensive, I just asked a question and as always I stay without a good answer." I grab the glass and drink a sip of water. My throat is dry and hurts a lot.
"Oh, I'm sorry Lucy." Harry said and I think he is being honest.
"She told me to leave if I wanted, that she really didn't care." I sighed. "That hurt me a lot. Despite all she has done, I love my mother and her words hurt me. "
"Everything hurts you Lucy," Harry whispered. "You're so weak and that pisses me off." Oh, what?
"You don't lik-like the way I am?" I asked confused.
"No. I mean, it used to bother me at first but now I've learned to accept it but everything has drawbacks and now this is one, to see you here crying and I can't do anything, pisses me off."
What? What is he trying to say?
"You don't deserve to suffer Lucy." Harry sighs as he runs one hand through his hair.
"I guess I deserve it because I started the discussion." I shrugged and broke our eye contact.
"No, you didn't start, you just did a question."
"The moment I asked her, she wa-was on the defensive all the time...I think she has a lo-lover." I sobbed.
"Maybe," Harry shrugged. "or maybe she just didn't want to talk about it and so she took that attitude."
"Maybe so, but all she said, every word, she meant it." I take a deep breath and Harry's cologne invades my nose. Why does he smell so good?
"I suppose you're shocked by everything she said; I guess you didn't expect that." I nodded, Harry is right. "You have to get used to it, it can happen again."
"I know, it was horrible. My mother ne-never had yelled at me. "
"Sometimes the people we love hurt us," he whispers and I feel chills. "We can't expect everything to be perfect."
I bite my lip and I nod still crying silently.
"Lucy, hey, come on, don't cry." Harry whispers and with one of his long fingers he wipes a tear.
I look at him right away, impressed by his action. I hadn't realized that his face is so close to mine. His emerald eyes are soft and his face looks serene and peaceful. He is not angry, not cursing, I think this is a record and is something new but I like it.
"Thanks for coming ..." I whispered with a slight smile. “you have no idea how much I appreciate this. "
Being here with Harry and to hear his words definitely relaxed me, I can't believe he is the person that is comforting me right now.
"No problem." He shrugs. "I'm not good comforting people but with you it's...naturally."
We stared at each other in silence and to me it seems like forever but I don't mind being locked under his emerald eyes.
"Lucy..." Harry whispered. "Can I do something?" Without understanding what he means I only nodded in response. "Don't... don't move." He commands and I obey.
Harry slips a hand on my cheek and looked down at my lips and then his eyes meet mine. I'm almost shocked at his slightest movement, regular Lucy would say: 'stay away from me' but I don't want to say that, i am doing what he orders me.
Realizing that I don't react he smiles slightly and leans toward me. Oh my god, I pinch my leg and the pain is real, this is going to happen, this is not a dream. I think he's going to kiss me and I'm allowing him.
I hold my breath as I close my eyes. His nose touches mine and his warm breath hit my face. This is torture, Harry just stays there as he rubs his nose against mine.
What should I do? Should I kiss him?
Before I can ask another question or answer to myself, Harry pressed his lips against mine. I don't refuse, I don’t scream and I don't try to stay away from him.
I feel a warm feeling all over my chest. A new and amazing feeling. The feeling of kissing someone, someone you like and that person is Harry Styles.