This is one of my favorite songs of all time!*
Summary: Within the dangerous oncoming war, conflictions arise. Severus comes to a bitter realization, finding that saving someone else comes at a cost.
Warnings: This is a very difficult chapter to read- it is very angsty and heartbreaking. Use of the 'f-slur' is also frequent. If homophobia is triggering, this will be a difficult chapter to read. I will put down the wanting.
Here are some of the lyrics to the song:
'I would do anything thing for love, but I won't do that...'
As long as the wheels are turning
As long as the bays are burning
As long as your dreams are coming true
You'd better believe it
… I would do anything for love
I know it's true and that's a fact
I would do anything for love
And there'll never be no turning back
… I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that
I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do
… But I'll never stop dreaming of you
Every night of my life, no way
But I would do anything for love
But I won't do that
Oh, I won't do that
━ ◦ ❖ ◦━
Severus sits in the chair that had once belonged to his former employer. The wood chair legs were soundless, but he could feel them creak under his rear each time he readjusted himself in the seat. He lowly sighed at the foreign feeling. Not because he was uncomfortable with the several decade long ass-print on the leather, but because of who the ass-print belonged to and what happened to them.
Severus looks around the office with a creeping consciousness at the back of his mind; the recognition that Dumbledore had seen every inch of this room, from the exact same spot where the raven-haired younger man sits now.
Alec and Carrow are roaming about the castle right now, likely tormenting Hufflepuff first years.
He became sick of their unbearable presence and sent them off, digging his pointer fingers into both of his temples.
Severus stares at the oddly deformed object made of clay as it rests on his desk. It has a circular figure with a face, toothpick arms and toothpick legs, buttons lining up it up and down. You called it a snowman pencil holder, he called it an obscene relic from hell.
The man reaches his pale hand out to readjust the funky object, straighting it on the desk so it looked nicer, but not so the possessed item could make direct eye contact with him.
Most of the time, he had a disguising incantation, allowing it to appear as jar of ink with a feathered quill sticking out of it, in case anyone came in. Only he had the blessing of seeing the Gollum inspired figurine.
"Evening, Severus."
Severus jumps in his seat, chair legs screeching against the ground under him. He flattens his right hand against the desk top, tightly grasping his ebony wand, ready to attack whatever presence that was now in the room.
"It's just me, my boy."
Severus whips his head to the right, where he hears the voice coming from. It was Dumbledore in his portrait, lowering himself into his seat with a soft sigh.
He forgot the old man had a portrait and was able to move around. Some days he wouldn't shut the hell up and other times he wouldn't speak (or even appear, nonetheless) for several hours at a time.
"Bloody bastard. Scared me." Severus grits under his breath, sitting down to fully bend the knees that had jumped up in terror.
"Sorry, my boy. Didn't mean to frighten you."
Whatever.
"We need to talk." Dumbledore states, clasping his hands in his lap.
Severus rolls his eyes, followed by a low grumble escaping his throat
"I always do love our conversations."
"Severus," Dumbledore starts, ignoring the other man's comment "I know you've dealt with much beyond what you had originally expected, but I say this because of it: You need to seal your position. You are on your own now. It's too dangerous for you to be seen with any contacts." Dumbledore sighs wearily, as though he was the one suffering.
Severus whips his head to the side, his fingernails digging into the wood arms of the chair.
"What the hell do you mean 'on your own'??" Severus growls, eyes widening before narrowing into angry slits.
Dumbledore is quick to correct himself: "I did not mean it in the way that you are thinking- I am not talking about myself. I will still be of aid.... I am talking about another person. One who naturally means more to you than I do."
Severus' eyes lose their slim shape as his pale face forms into one of realization. Dumbledore was talking about you.
As if he had been waiting for the younger man to understand what he was talking about, Dumbledore continues:
"It is too dangerous, Severus. I know you care about them, but you cannot. Absolutely, cannot, jeopardize both of your safety. If they are seen getting even remotely an extra amount of care or attention, horrific things could happen. Other students or the Carrows could see, as well as the Dark Lord."
Severus closes his eyes with a pained exhale, slouching back into his chair. The man takes his middle finger and lightly swipes it across his bottom lip, looking like a philosopher in thought. It was a common anxious habit of his, as well as toying with the buttons on the edge of his sleeves.
Severus imagines your face behind his closed eyelids. A smile is across your face and your lips are moving as you are saying something that had made Severus laugh in the memory.
How dare Dumbledore say something like this? Firstly, asking him to do all of this crock of shit- a list so long that he'd never be able to remember every deed if he had to write it down. Now, asking him to depart from- basically, his child??
Severus lips curl in anger as he rigidly turns back to the now silent man in the portrait.
"How dare yo-" Severus snarls, only to be cut off by the older man.
"Severus, think of this for long term.. Imagine what could happen to them." Dumbledore calmly repeats his previous point.
Severus' hands ball into fists as his lips drawl into tight lines. He harshly brings his hands down on the arms of his chair, ignoring the pain that reverberates up his arms.
He knew that the old man was right, and Severus despised him for it.
Dumbledore says no more, knowing what the answer was.
Severus' eyebrows crinkle in a tired frown, followed with a shaky sigh. Severus then leans forward and presses his forehead on the desk, wallowing there with his arms above his head.
I can't have anything nice in my life, can I?
I must be the canker death that kills all nearby flowers. Anything I touch withers away.
━✧•❖•✧━
You are sat in the middle of Slytherin table, eating your food and spacing out, when you feel a tap on your shoulder.
You turn around and meet an anxious looking Ravenclaw, likely a first year, who is anxiously looking back and forth between you and the floor. The shy Ravenclaw has a cut on his right eyebrow and he clears his throat.
"T-the Headmaster w-wishes to see you.." The kid shyly whispers, wringing his hands together.
You frown with a confused expression, and begin the look around the Great Hall. Profess- Er, Headmaster Snape isn't sitting at the table with the other professors.
You look back at the kid, who had still been standing there, obviously waiting for some sort of release command.
"Thank you." You gently whisper.
The kid nods his head once and quickly rushes away, his head hanging low.
━ ◦ ❖ ◦━
Interesting enough, you had meant to talk to Snape. Despite all these hardships in the recent years, he'd been with you through it all. It started with being picked on in the halls, him coming to your aid, and running into you many times as you sat down by the black lake. The first time, it'd been later in the evening, ten past curfew. He would have given you detention, but decided against it when you saw you crying under the old willow tree.
Against what his cold heart had been telling him to do- to ignore you- he ended up comforting you in his unique way.
By insulting you.
"What are you doing under this tree hiding here like some sissy? I've seen you go through worse- you're fine." "Why are you feeling insecure like this? You're one of the brightest students I've ever had." "If you're going to let some low life get to you with his pathetic words, let me tell you, you're really going to hate life." "Go back to your dorm, take a shower, and get a good night's rest. Let me know if those dunderheaded Gryffindors are bothering you still. I'll give them something more to fear than losing some measly house points." "Don't thank me, just go away. Make sure you do something about those trash-panda eyes."
━ ◦ ❖ ◦━
Severus paces back and forth in his study, hands clasped behind his back.
He was still thinking of a way to scare you off.
"Severus-" he hears Dumbledore's voice come through the painting.
Without a second thought, Severus picks up the nearest book-
"A Guide to Potion Making: Year 7 edition"
with it being a four hundred paged hardback book,
and chucks it at Dumbledore's painting.
If it weren't held in place with magic, the frame easily would have cracked in half.
Dumbledore silently disappears from the frame.
Severus heaves in a deep breath, tucking a strand of disheveled hair behind his ear.
As he regains his composure, a knock is heard at his office door.
━ ◦ ❖ ◦━
Just be honest, it won't change anything.
He won't care.
You knock at the office door and suck in a deep breath. You had no idea why you'd been called to his office. Normally, when he wanted to speak with you, you two would hang out near the black lake. If it was more of a planned meet, he'd owl you a note or set one on your desk during class.
"Enter." a deep voice drawls through the wide wood door.
Thickly swallowing, you push open the heavy wood panel and it creaks loudly in return.
Severus is stood in front of his desk, leaning back against it with his arms crossed over his chest. His tongue protrudes through his cheek, another sign of him deeply thinking.
"We need to talk". You both simultaneously state.
Severus looks at you and closes his eyes for a brief moment before opening them. He sighs and nods his head at you,
"You first."
You awkwardly clear your throat and nod your head, jaw clenching.
Just spit it out..
You straighten your back and look the man in the eye:
"I'm gay. I have a girlfriend in the grade above me, and I love her very much." You state, your voice miraculously smooth despite the nerves swimming in your stomach.
A weight is lifted off your shoulders and you wait for the man to reply.
━ ◦ ❖ ◦━
Severus already had a sneaking suspicion. Well, he already knew.
You and your girlfriend had been trying to exchange a "discreet" kiss while Severus was walking down the hall. He saw the two of you from the corner of his eye, stopped for a moment, and kept walking.
She'll tell me when she's ready. Was his immediate thought.
Severus couldn't care less who you love, as long as they treated you right.
Nobody will ever be enough for my baby girl. He thought when he'd been thinking back on his discovery.
But at least you're with a girl. He also had thought when mind had flickered back to that event.
"I was once a boy. I know how they think." He had lowly muttered to himself with a roll of his eyes.
Truly, he was glad for your admission. But now, he was really wishing you hadn't told him.
He saw this as his opportunity to complete his conflicting task.
Severus looks at your anxious form, as it was obvious that you were waiting for some sort of reaction or reply from him.
He wanted nothing more to pull you into his arms and mutter the most genuine reassurances into your ear.
But because of what he needed to do, he knew that that couldn't happen.
Severus bit the inside of his cheek, the words dying on his tongue.
He can't do this.
Severus, nearly inaudibly, drawls in a shuddering breath, arms dropping to his sides.
"Severus, think of this for long term.. Imagine what could happen to them."
Severus, angered and distraught by the truth in old man's words, was able to regain his composure.
Rip the band-aid off. Pretend she's anybody else..
Fucking hell.
I will never forgive myself for this.
━ ◦ ❖ ◦━
**Trigger warning**
You await the older man's response, a churning in your stomach.
It's just him.
He'll still think of me the same.
"Sev-"
"You... disgust me." The man lowly states.
You feel your heartbeat in your ears as your breathing halts. There was no way he just said that... Your anxiety was tripping you up.
Throat clenching, you reply;
"What?"
"Get out. That's absolutely repulsive." He continues, eyes narrowing further.
He takes a step towards you and you unconsciously take a step back. You feel a burning sensation in your sinuses: the tingling onset of pending tears.
"Sev-"
"Get out and never speak to me again. I can't be seen wi-..." The man stops off, something flashing in his eyes. As quickly as it showed, it disappears as he resumes and even deeper look of anger and disgust.
Your hand grips the handle of the office door, half of your body facing him.
"With.. a.. what... Severus?" You chokingly whisper, tears welling up in your eyes.
"I will not be seen, with a faggot." He growls, taking a step forward.
A whimper escapes your throat, a tear slipping down your cheek. It feels like he had just backhanded you across the face.
He can't mean this.
A sob escapes your mouth as you find yourself stuck where you're standing. Paralyzation courses through your veins, amidst the sinking feeling.
"GET OUT!!!" The man screams.
"and never so much as look at me, you repulsive faggot!'
You swing open the door and break eye contact with the fuming man, before storming out.
Another sob tears it's way through your throat as the door slams behind you. You clutch your chest, where your heart lay rapidly beating.
Racing down the hall and away from the person you thought you once could trust, tears never ceasing their appearance for the next three hours.
━ ◦ ❖ ◦━
As soon as Severus knew that you were out of ear shot, having run away with your torn heart, he lets out a scream of anger.
He whips around to face his desk and throws his hands over the table top, pushing everything off of it in a fit of rage.
If the desk weren't so damn heavy, he'd most definitely flip it over.
He takes a heavy leather book and chucks it at the window. Due to his state of fury, he couldn't hear the cracking pane over the sound of his thundering heart.
Minutes, yet seemingly hours pass by before he ceases his raging fit. He drops to his knees and sobs. Sobs harder than he did with Lily in his arms.
At least this love was surely not unrequited. And he ruined it.
The one thing that kept his sanity in this cruel, dark world.
His hands are splayed over the tops of his thighs as he lets out one last shout, taking the very air out of his lungs.
He sits there for- he doesn't know how long- staring at the old wood tiles.
It takes him a good long while to pull himself together enough to get up off of the floor.
He flops into his chair and covers his crying eyes with one hand, before lazily massaging his forehead- where he could feel an incoming headache.
Through his peeking fingers, he could see something sitting on the desk, seemingly staring at the man.
He takes his hand away from his pale, tear-stained face to lock eyes with the object on his desk..
It was that same goddamn snowman vase from hell.
Amazingly, even through his onslaught of absolutely destroying everything on his desk, it was the one thing to have survived.
Severus sniffles and tentatively reaches his hand out, gently clasping the figurine in his shaking palm.
He drags a finger over the side of the dried clay, ignoring the falling tears that slowly dribble down the side of it.
He dryly chuckles, staring at the ceiling. He literally could not believe what he'd just done.
Absolutely demolishing his office wasn't what was on his mind- he could clean that all up.
But there are some things in life, that cannot be fixed.
━ ◦ ❖ ◦━
"Some days it don't come easy
Some days it don't come hard
Some days it don't come at all
And these are the days that never end"