Warnings: Mentions of abuse and sexual assault
I used a few prompts and so many of you asked for pretty much the same thing, so I didn't bother to tag anybody.
~•••~
Is it wrong to
Be this young
and
this tired?
~•••~
It's not pessimism. Personally, I prefer the term "realistic".
It's the notion and recognition of the fact that this world is a sphere of trash on fire and the people that populate it are the same way.
But after that philosophical realization, you don't pity yourself. Rather, you look in the mirror and admit to yourself that you are ugly... Followed by "eh, what the fuck am I gonna do about it? I don't need to look like a Barbie pimp- it's not like I am waiting for prince charming to walk through the door any second."
It also isn't inherently numbness nor lack of interest- as I still have the ability to feel (thank God).
It's the pure sarcasm and being able to lightly chuckle and shrug when somebody next to you is having a breakdown and repeatedly muttering "this isn't fair, life isn't fair."
"No shit, Janice. Glad you finally are able to see that."
~•••~
You hardly watch horror movies anymore. They just don't give you the right thrill, suspense, anxiety, nor uncomfortableness that they used to bring you.
It's like a drug addict taking a shot of heroin, only for that high feeling to gradually decrease in effectiveness. It's literally similar to jerking off and being unable to climax- you tire yourself out in the process without the reaching the reward..
The overall point being.. you had become desensitized to the universe.
Some muggle kid a few days ago had been having a conversation with another muggle that you happened to overhear:
Hufflepuff #1: Gosh, did you hear about the news about last week? The last week of spring break?
Hufflepuff #2: Which news? There's so much of it nowadays..
H#1: The murder of Tracey Morgan- the girl that lives like three towns or so over.
H#2: Oh, shit, I did... That poor girl..
*Hufflepuff #1 proceeds to tear up*
H#1: It was her own father- I mean, Christ.. Her body was found so mutilated and used.. I-
H#2: Stop, please, I-I can't.. I can't think about it either..
H#1: But.. I mean, really though? Her own father- a figure who is supposed to protect their child... Raped her and disposed of her body.
*Hufflepuff #2's face grows green as she turns away from her friend*
Not to sound like a bitch, or anything... But news flash; some people shouldn't be parents.
~•••~
"Miss Y/L/N."
"Miss Y/L/N."
"...What?"
"Don't 'what?' me- I asked you a question."
"Sorry... What was it?"
"I want to know if you're okay."
No, I am not fucking 'okay', actually.
"Mhm. Peachy."
"To be quite frank, I call bullshit. Who hurt you?"
You pause like a deer in headlights, before regaining your unreadable composition.
"Nobody hurt me."
"You flinching at the beginning of class and the bruise on the side of your neck say otherwise."
"You just startled me.. I was spacing out.. Also, what makes you think it wasn't just a hickey?"
"I know it isn't a hickey."
"Yeah?"
"Yes- now answer the question."
"Nobody hurt me!"
"Why are you making this so difficult? Stop putting up a fight for someone who doesn't deserve to be defended."
"Who says I'm not trying to defend myself?"
Professor Snape swallows and unclasps his hands- putting them on his lap as he leans back in his chair. His tired, hard brown eyes blankly fall upon yours- his intentions unclear.
"You don't need to be ashamed. The staff of Hogwarts- including myself, can help you."
"Why the hell do you care? It isn't like you did before." You grow angry, frustration creeping up your neck. Why won't he let this go?- There are plenty of bigger fish to fry.
"That's because I didn't know- and what do you mean 'before'? How long has this been going on?"
You pause and exhale through your nose, turning your head to the side. Without meeting his gaze, instead looking past his head and at a book on his shelf, you reply;
"Too long."
The man nods his head in thought, taking his hands up to his eyebrows and massaging them, before smoothing them out.
"I'll talk to Dumbledore. Possibly Minnie.. They'll send the authorities to confront your parents."
He pushes himself out of the seat and you slowly blink, mental images flashing behind your eyes.
He approaches the door, going to open it, only for your voice to halt his movements.
"It's not my parents."
Fuck.
Why did I say that???
Severus turns his head back to you, hand faltering around the doorknob.
"Who is it?" Asks the man in a quiet voice.
You pause, mouth growing dry as you subtly sink into your seat.
"I can't tell you." You mumble, a burning sensation erupting in your sinuses.
"And why is that?" He lowly inquires, eyebrows furrowing.
"I just can't." You whisper, hands gripping the armchairs with your full strength.
"You need to tell me." He insists, walking back over to his desk until you feel his presence behind you.
It felt so much easier to blankly talk about it as though it were happening to somebody else.. How foolish of you to give away this monumental secret- how naive you were to believe he'd let it fade into the wind..
"Mm-mmm." You lowly hum in protest, pursing your lips together as you shake your head.
"Why not?" He quietly counters, appearing at your side.
It was then when he let his hand gently rest upon your forearm that you burst into tears, finally meeting his neutral, yet slightly perturbed expression.
"I'm so scared, Professor. What if you don't believe me?" You hiccup, your chest collapsing within itself as your lungs beg for air.
"I believe you, Y/n." He firmly states, his hardened eyes hypnotizing you.
You take in shuddering breathes as you turn away from him, his eyes lingering on your face from the corner of your eye.
"I-I don't.. want..help." You gasp out, aggressively shaking your head side to side.
He purses his lips together as you intake a shuddering breath. He hesitantly reaches forward and tucks a strand of hair behind your ear that had gotten matted to your tear-stained cheek.
"I've c-come this far, professor- without help!.. W-Why.." you wheeze "..i-is it so hard to ask for help? I-I stayed strong f-for so long.. It'd just feel like a waste.." You whine, turning your blurry vision back to him.
The man sighs and merely shakes his head.
"You shouldn't have had to in the first place. You don't deserve to have suffered through this. Alone, nonetheless." He whispers, eyes faltering as he looks down at the ground.
He stands up from his crouched position, pulling a chair up next to you.
He sits down and leans his elbows on his knees, watching as your panting had slowed down on its own.
He drags a hand over his face, sighing exasperatedly. He wasn't frustrated at you and you knew that, but you couldn't help but feel upset.
"I am.." he trails off "I am so sorry, that you had to grow up quicker than others...." he lowly replies.
Your nostrils twitch as you try not to cry at his words.
"And I am so sorry that.. this has happened to you. You don't deserve it. And I am sorry that you had to be so strong for a cause that you didn't choose.... You built up so many walls that even you couldn't escape. I never noticed how empty you felt and I am so sorry that I didn't see that sooner." He quietly confesses, hands lacing together.
You sniffle and nod your head at his words.
Merlin, it felt so relieving to be validated. Not just validated but recognized...
~•••~
It's kids like us who've been through more than other kids.
We're tougher than other kids.
We're really good builders.
And no one ever gets in.
~ Theo Crain, The Haunting of Hill House