~•••~
Severus looks at the child he has raised. Through their y/c eyes he could see memory after memory, like layers of paint peeling back.
Something inside Severus was desperately trying to claw it's way out, screaming in despair. The man had no choice but to swallow that fear, acting as though everything was fine.
He stares at his child from afar, too much of a coward to face them. But he couldn't peel his eyes away from them, too busy on trying to imprint every detail of them into his mind. He did this for as long as he possibly could, soaking up every last minute. He knew his fate was inevitable, despite not knowing exactly what was to come.
Severus flinches as he feels a hand on his shoulder, his ebony hair swishing to the side as he whips around to face the unknown person.
Lucius.
"He wants to see you." Lucius hoarsely mutters, squeezing the upper arm of his friend.
Severus narrows his eyes in suspicion, realizing that his friend was intentionally not meeting his gaze.
That's because he knows.
Lucius numbly drops his hand off of Severus' black sleeve as he eyes the ground.
"The boathouse." Whispers Lucius, craning his neck to the side, as though he were unwillingly gesturing to the place his friend was soon to be at.
The blonde haired man almost wanted to murmur a 'Good luck', but his gesture would have fallen on deaf ears. There is no luck in such a perilous time- even for the Deatheaters and ones on the latter side. It's just tattered faith and half-assed hope
"Severus." Lucius mutters with a nod of his head, slowly stepping back.
It was a not so secret translation for Goodbye.
Severus numbly tilts his chin up, closing his eyes, followed by an exhalation through his nostrils.
"Lucius." replies the ebony haired man.
Severus watches as his long-time acquaintance hesitantly sulks away, until eventually out of sight.
Severus clutches his fists at his sides, before turning around the direction he was previously watching his child from.
They were gone and Severus lowly swears under his breath, looking at the cobble ground.
He had his chance, although it brief. Instead of losing his temper, he closes his eyes and envisions his child behind his eyelids.
~•••~
Flashback, 1982
"Goddamn you, Albus!" Severus lowly hisses, clenching his fists at his sides. He was so angry, he couldn't even bring himself to raise his voice into a yell.
"Severus." The Headmaster sighs, looking at the younger man somewhat pitifully.
"How dare you ask me of this. I trusted you to protect the-"
"They put their trust in the wrong people."
"I PUT MY TRUST IN THE WRONG PERSON!" Severus finally roars, tears of frustration and agony starting to swell in his eyes.
The potions professor had done a an apt job of avoiding the Headmaster this past year- at least in times that did not involve verbal communication.
"I lost all I had left and now you thrust a child into my life? How dare you demand such of me!" Severus glares, taking a step forward.
"Severus, please. I know you find it tremendously difficult, but I truly believe this could be good for you. I need you to do this." Dumbledore presses on, his gaze remaining sympathetic.
Severus balls his fists up, before flattening his palms over his closed eyes, rubbing them. Hopefully when he took his hands away, he'd wake up and find that this entire scene was just a dream.
He takes his hands away from his eyes. Stiffly shaking his head side to side, the man looks down to the ground.
"Please." Dumbledore quietly pleads.
Severus clenches his jaw and scoffs, turning around and storming out of the room.
~••~
His heart aches at the original memory, but he couldn't bring himself to regret his words.
Sixteen years later, he still stands by his statement.
Severus spots a familiar figure out of the corner of his eye. He turns his head, only to be met with the desperate glance of his child.
Not hesitating, the man turns to their direction, his footsteps swift with underlying urgency as he approaches them.
~•••~
You run up to your father, y/c eyes practically digging into his soul, looking for anything that could be wrong. Of course, with him, you never never be entirely sure.
"I'm glad that you're oka-" your words are cut short and muffled by your father's shoulder as he pulls you into a hug.
You practically choke on the black fabric- not because you couldn't breathe, but the realization that your 'nobody-can-know-I-am-your-father' father just urgently tugged you into his arms in front of flocks of moving people.
Your arms dangle at your sides as you tilt your chin up to gain a better access to oxygen, hardly able to see anything beyond the black curtain of his hair.
Your eyebrows quirk in confusion and slight worry, before you take your limp arms from your sides and wrap it around his midsection.
He seemingly only holds you tighter and you sink into his touch, forgetting that there was a war currently rampaging your surroundings.
"I love you." Your father whispers, the bottom of his chin dragging against your temple.
You almost didn't hear it the first time, his deep voice more course than usual.
"I love you too..?" you reply in a questioning tone..
"Dad? What's wrong? What-"
"So much time and so little to do. . Wait a minute. . Strike that, reverse it." The man mutters, pulling away from your embrace to look at you.
His seemingly offhanded quote made you pause, your face contorting in confusion. Realizing he was quoting one of your favorite muggle movies, your lips quirk upwards and you burst out laughing. Quite random, but much appreciated in this tense moment.
Your giggles calm down and he pulls a loose strand of hair out of your face, his dark sleeve brushing against your cheekbone.
"I love your laughs. It's the sweetest sound any human of this Earth could ever wish to dream of hearing." He smiles, eyes seeming to fall.
His dark brown eyes bore into your e/c ones. It was as if he were lost in thought, not looking at you, but rather through you.
Freezing at his sour expression, your lips curl downwards. Something was really wrong and it made your stomach churn, a siren going off in your mind.
"Dad, please tell me." you lowly rasp, clutching onto his shoulders.
The man blinks, looks down, looks up at the dark clouds looming above, and looks into your eyes.
"You won't understand now, but you will someday. ." he drawls out, eyes narrowing in thought.
"I cannot and will not say that this will be our last moment. But in times of such crisis, I have learned that everything is much more beautiful when we are doomed. . . It gives us time to reflect on our past. You will be lovelier than you are now, because of this beautiful moment. You'll never be put in this situation again." states he, bringing a hand up to the side of your face. He wipes a tear that you hadn't realized you'd shed.
"How do you know that?" You choke out, not taking the time to blink.
"I'm your dad, I know everything." He lowly states, smirking.
You smile and shake your head, sighing..
"The Dark Lord can't win, Y/n. Because he has no motive. He has no true reason, unlike us. You can live in the past, allowing love to be the noose that silently strangles you... Or, you can wield it like a sword, defending the ones you love. I have learned to use the latter, because of you, my dear." He sniffles, stroking the side of your head.
"I love you, but you're not answering my question." You whisper, starting to cry.
A tear trickles down his face- the first time to have seen him cry in six years. He didn't even know you saw him then, either. Those many years ago, you had wanted to ask him to read you a book before bed, about to push his office door open when you heard sobbing. He didn't tell you why until last year on Halloween.
Your father shakes his head, suddenly turning behind him. You go to step to the side to look around him, when he stops you by your upper arms, directing your gaze back to him.
"Y/n." He chokes out, his tone serious yet soft..
His voice lowers, "Sometimes I have kept my feelings to myself, because I could find no language to describe them in but what was worn and hackneyed out of all sense and meaning." he pauses, "Doubt that I've been honest. Doubt that I've been strong, doubt that I've always been kind. But do not doubt that I have always loved you."
He presses his forehead against yours and you begin to sob, realizing the hidden meaning behind all of his words.
"Why does this sound like a goodbye?" your voice squeaks out between sobs.
He exhales heavily and plants a firm kiss to your forehead, before pulling you into a tight hug.
"Parting is such a
sweet sorrow,
that I shall
say goodnight,
till it be
morrow."
He quotes Shakespeare- a common favorite that the two of you have always shared.
It only makes you sob harder and he somehow finds the strength to pull away from you.
Damn the Dark Lord.. Severus thinks.. I would be struck with the cruciatus curse as long as it meant that this moment could continue on.
"I need you to be strong, Y/n. My heart is with you always." He takes steps backwards, trying to take in your (disheveled) look one last time.
You watch as his emotions begin to turn off- like flames going out on a candle.
"I love you." You call out, too miserable to voice anything else.
"I love you, always. Good night, dearest." He replies, turning around.
His black cloak flails behind him, it also wanting nothing more but to run back to you.
Severus could only hope that you could find it in your heart to forgive him someday. In his life, Severus never sought out to be strong for himself, but rather, the ones he loved.