loading......99.9% "Beast" [#Wattys2022]

49

Everything is balanced in nature the happiness and the sadness. When good days are over bad days are about to start. The news of Zen and I were everywhere people would make stories. On the official page someone wrote directly to me.

"Stay away from the guy you are chasing these days, or else I will make your life worse."

"Zen! did you saw that?"

"What?"

"The page." 

I took the screenshot and I send it to him.

"Lay low for a while. You didn't replied to the confession. Right?"

"No! but who is this."

"I don't know."

This fire in my heart and the shame. It was someone who knew my weakness. "Negativity."

I wanted to know, not because I wanted to put a good fight. But because I wanted to know, what have I done to hurt her, she could talk to me, now many people know about this.

I have always hid behind people this time I hid behind Zen. I trusted him with my soul and heart. I sat there thinking he could handle the matter.

I asked him time to time.

"Did you find out?" Zen read the text. "I'm too busy for her problems." He tossed his phone.

Matilda texted Zen. "What's with that confession." "Naomi Wenson is after you?" They both laughed. "Now see my response." Matilda said to Zen. "You guys should be ashamed he is engaged!" 

I was desperately trying to find the person because I was too suffocated. Every time when I walked to and fro to my classes. People visually harassed me. I was being tortured. Girls hissed in each other's ears when they looked at me. I always hid the things because I hate the necessary chaos. I don't know who was behind this. I was afraid to be under the wrong spotlight. I would ask Zen again and again because I was suffering through a trauma that I thought I over came. I hid it from Zen that time to time I would have anxiety I would self harm myself and the pain would give me pleasure. I woke up in the middle of night and I had the thought of yelling my chords out.

I was more than just helpless. Zen was my home. I depended on him. I wanted to tell how badly I was affected but I couldn't gear up. I thought he might think I'm crazy. 

With time I thought things will settle but it was like they are nameless shadows who wanted to harm me. 

I would murmur "sorry" and sometimes I would cry. In my dreams I would run away till there is a dead end. I saw horrible creatures from past and these dreams took years for me to over come but I was again at that place. I would have sleep paralysis. At least this much he knew about me.

At premises I had chills that shattered my confidence. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" Jess looked at me. "I swear I will kill this bitch." I looked at her. "Don't aww me." She said.

"Have you told Zen?"

"He was the first one to know."

"What he said?"

"Not much."

It was raining and every time it rained. I missed Zen. His warm smile. 

My messenger hit up with messages from an unknown account.

"She might be the girl who is behind this all." I wondered.

She started with the sweet talk. Someone, who knew me. I played along with her. She said she is in  my university but I knew if she was she could have talked to me  directly. She was someone who didn't wanted to reveal her identity. She slowly came to her real subject. "Zen Morrison." She pretended to be his ex, she told me things that I didn't gave much heed to. Her tricks were nice. 

I told Zen and he told me she also texted him. It was like she wanted confirmation and I did gave her some clues.

"It can be Ann." She desperately wants me and Zen apart.

"Are you still in touch with Ann?"

"I blocked her the moment she created the letter mess."

I rechecked the comments and there was this comment. "You guys should be ashamed, he is engaged." 

I checked my account and I saw the same girls who commented, had sent me friend request. I accepted and she texted me. "I'm Matilda, you know me, we have talked in university and I'm Zen's fiance."

My body went under fire my eyes were dipped in acid and needles were pricking at my heart. I have heard about Matilda. 

"She is a positive friend."

I told Zen, the first rule of our relationship was, "No lies."  "You are just a friend." I told her.

"Look at her." Zen and I laughed. "See, I told you, everyday I wake up I have a new fiance or a new wife."

"You see, people like you come in relationships, they are play toys and when playing is done no one cares about them." These were the harshest remarks I have ever heard.

I screenshotted every single conversation and send it to Zen.

"Why do you keep sending him screenshots?"

"Who is she?" I asked. 

"I don't know."

Something was off, they both were talking as if they were in contact.

"How does she knows I am sending him screenshots?"

 I believed Zen because if I can't trust my man, what am I good at?

"When my studies are over, I will invite you at my wedding, make sure you attend it with Jess."

Her jokes went too far.

I won't sit here and tolerate your words coming at me like stones.

I always wondered, Why Zen had to fight for keeping things secret. Sometimes he said, he loves me the other he said I am not sure. I would ask myself. Have I committed a sin that I have to hide it? If we have to hide things, then we are not even in love. I might have blurred my experience but this thing scratch my wounds. I had already heard words people told about Zen. We have two holes in the ear, one for listening the other for discarding. I always felt bad, why we can't be just normal people? I wanted Zen to understand these things but Zen had his own rules. When I saw that my words won't even put an effect on him. I stopped saying them. I never wanted his love. I knew greediness is a sin. I just wanted his sincerity. I thought Zen was my angel, but in my darkest moments I was alone. 

"Do you really, love me Zen?" 

Her words were stuck in my ears, they were like those painful curses I can't forget even if I wanted they chased me.

"People like you come in relationships, they are play toys and when playing is done no one cares about them."

I knew I was nothing special but I was true and sincere with everything I did. What people did, I swore, I will never do them. When I loved, I loved them with every cell I had. People used words, I used actions. Words fade away but we are accountable for our actions. I was proud at one thing. My feelings for Zen. I hardly remember looking at someone because nothing was ever breathtaking as him. Sometimes I wanted him to say those things a lover says to his loved one but it just seemed like I was expecting it from the wrong person. I used ways, the only way I knew was jealousy. I always felt guilty for doing something  this because Zen was incomparable. But we had lack of understanding cause we were two broke people with lack of conversation. If I look back, I really got no answer for "What ever Zen did for me to make me feel special?" 

And the answer was really painful. 

The first time when my heart got trembled. I swore I would change. I looked at ways that can put me in race as I was too simple minded, I believed what I saw. I was not cunning but I was very short tempered.