loading......99.9% "Beast" [#Wattys2022]

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I looked at the sky, and I felt helpless. I couldn't tell which part of me was suffering or which part of me was begging. All what I wanted was him. But everything was like I lived in a blur world. My tears floated out like drizzles like there had no meaning to it; pain might have no tongue no words, but everything has a feel to it when the pain gathers at heart it rises to eyes and eyes feel them all. Every time with him, I had just been suffering. 

This time, everything about him was on a reset. "Is he the guy? the one  I loved or despised?" Everywhere I would hear about couples being too ordinary, what were we? two strange people figuring what was going on? Rules are made for both. I never follow rules people made for me. But there was definitely fear in me. What was the most hurting part was his struggles. When he smiles, it makes me happy, when he is sad, I feel like falling apart. So I tell myself, I have to be strong. Because if one of us is falling, someone has to built the other.

Thinking about his past, there was definitely too much pain. When I looked at him. I saw my reflection. A girl being broken, everything in her life, just falling like stars, the dreams she had, people she cared for. She was alone. I suffered heart ache and only I knew the feeling of having my worlds falling apart. The minute I thought I had a friend, a home I could turn to, but the minute I closed my eyes, that door disappeared into dust. I suffered from people, and the helplessness of not protesting for my own self. What kills inside is, you know you have not done a thing to be the victim, but people would built stories and create best versions from it. I knew this pain. Crumbled like a paper ball sitting in a corner, blank faces calling me names, bad mouthing me since you are the age of playing with dolls. The inferiority complex of not having a backbone. I was born and raised with too many complexes. Before I knew, I was psychologically suffering from people and what people say about me. And automatically I would give them explanations."What have I done?" I was always sorry not because I was strong, because I was weak to raise voice for my own self.

It was like an unexplained part of my life. The unspeakable torture. When I looked in his eyes. I never doubted him, how many times he innocently plucked the petals from my rose. I would glow like a drew drop giggling on its mischievousness landing on a grass top. and this happiness would last a week, less than that. I was like a hooligan, in the  middle of a dessert, thirsty and everywhere I would dream of oasis.  

I clenched my fist, held my head down, my eyes drifted apart and tears would roll out publicly. How much of pigeon heart I am I was never this weak to cry where people looked at me and say. "Sympathy gainer or attention seeker." I was so lonely at heart that every night I would wake up without any bells ringing. I would sit in any direction think of reasons why do I feel so lonely? my heart was like a bag full of ashes every time when I took a breath these ashes would remind me how perfectly imperfect I am. 

Zen was like an escape, I never told him. This bond was already broken. They say the earliest conversations are the sweetest,  like two bees sharing nectar and when the season is over one is trying to kill another for power. I loved him knowing he is not the perfect choice. There were millions of opinion and I would recall myself in that situation. No one was there for me. I did it for humanity. Every girl represents her gender and so does every boy. If one girl does bad the whole gender becomes a pool of mud and trash. I had numerous crushes but when I was old, it became childish. 

There was a guy, I saw back when I was at my strongest. Long hair, swinging the champions trophy, delivering a chilly speech. He was cool. "He is chic." I said to my friends. We were at the same evening. His eyes were well guarded by sun glasses. I muttered, if only his hair were short. I looked at him many times. For as far as I know, my conscious would hiss numerous times we have met before. And my heart would race. My grandma told me. Souls are gathered in sky and they are sent in bodies when you have met them in the sky you would feel this connection. Her belief in her saying was firm. It was weird for as far as I know, I have never met and I have never seen him. But I would feel this strong connection growing more deeper. I walked passed him and his scent was the only thing that I remember thinking if its fate we might run into eachother. My heart wished that day. "One day, we will meet again, we will be in each others company, we will break apart and will be set again by destiny." It was like a verse, I was confused that I said that. It made no sense. But these words were so quiet that only God could hear them.

I was mad at me as there were some words I uttered and they were foolish enough to brought me and Andrew together and probably those words tore us apart. I had a spiritual bond. My cousins would say that my tongue is so witchy, everything I say comes true. I only said things because when I said them I said them with sincerity and full of heart. A saying goes this way. "Only a good person or a true sinner has this ability to make his wishes come true." I could not be a good person so that leaves me with the other.

Week after week, that person stood strong in my memories. I named him X. I would sit under a cool shade and when the wind rustled I would feel his scent. I use to be at a different place. Oftenly I was scared the old people's saying, when you die you can sense scents. I use to be at a cheap place that serve foods in the streets known as "Dhaba" I would see back of a guy wearing red hat. And I would murmur it might be him wearing the scent. 

Every once in a while that scent would never let me forget that guy. Scent would follow me in the day, crazy dreams would come at night. I felt like a ghost is leeching over me. 

Too much thinking is poison. And I was like a brewing factory. I was good at painting so I drew rough sketches about him. And then life became more busier to even notice. But I was curious and a part of me wanted to reveal the mystery of X.