loading......99.9% "Beast" [#Wattys2022]

37

We came out of the cafe and we walked together.

I have been in a relationship before, it was a long distance relationship. Andrew and I hardly hooked up together. This guy next to me was, the first guy I walked shoulder to shoulder with. I was careful not to be clumsy.

We five sat together. I looked at Zen, whatever bothers him, bothers me too.

The sun was setting, that's the thing about winters. Zen was sitting under the tree. I sat next to him.

"What happened?"

"I'm thinking of going home today." Zen said.

"I-" before I could finish my words, I saw somebody looking at us.

I stood up, thinking Zen always protested not to be seen together.

"It's time, your buses will be here any minute." Zen stood up.

I looked at Zen walking, then turning. I stared at his back getting further away.

Jess looked at me.

"What?" I questioned.

"Go for it, go!"

"Should I?" I was too shy. I myself don't know, why this was coming from an overconfident girl.

They pushed me and I went after Zen.

"Hold on!" I said catching my breath.

I was wearing double socks so my feet were too sweaty.

I looked at Zen. I want to hold his hand. This is what I wished. But I was thinking a lot.

I never had regrets in my life. So I told myself no regrets, my rules.

"Shall we.." Zen looked at me confused.

"Nothing." I nodded.

He looked at me again.

"Shall we hold hands?"

Here the words left my mouth, here Zen held my hand.

"This is how it feels like, holding hands with someone you are in love with."

His hands were sweaty, a bit warm. I couldn't tell, if they were mine or it was his that were sweaty. His grip was manly, his hands were rough, just of someone who works out too much.

My heart was beating and I could hear the thumping in my ears.

These are some meaningless interactions for people, but for me, these were all my first memories, too special to be given to someone who was ordinary. I had always missed this feeling. But I waited for the right person. And the right one was next to me.

We walked just approximately two feets ahead. The sun was setting, talking short walks in winter was another memory.

"Look" Zen pointed at the CCTV camera.

I laughed. "Nothing will happen."

"You can go." I stood there looking at him smiling at me. He walked and I stared at him.

These were simple things that tickled my heart. I stood there till he was gone. Dad was here to pick us up. We walked together Angela and I. I tugged with my sister's arm. This was far most the best day in my life. I mumbled.

"Angela." She looked at me.
"I'm in love."

"I know." She replied.

"Angela." I called her again.

"I want to yell aloud and tell I fell in love with such an amazing person, he makes me crazy, my heart dance over the music that came out as simple words he speaks."

We sat together, like sisters do. He brought us closer.

"How does it felt like touching his beard?" Angela asked.

"It's like, kuuchi kuuchi ku." I laughed.

"And his mustaches?"

"While I held his mustaches from both the ends I wanted to pull him close with his mustaches and shower him with soft pecks."

"But why did you pulled his mustaches so harshly."

"When I recalled, he had a moment with someone else, I couldn't hold back."

"Tell me you will go to Isabelle again?" I pulled his mustaches so hard, he smiled and in a second, he went angry. And he grabbed my hand with force.

His grip was tight and it hurt a bit

"Let's not talk about Isabelle?" Zen and I promised.

Starting from tomorrow was our semester break. Sometimes Zen would call and tell me he missed me. But most of our conversation was over dedicating songs.

"I will be going home." He told me.

I recalled moments, when he oftenly asked me when he was with his 22 cousins. "If someone loves someone, and if he dies, and that person never gets the chance to confess? And I would tell him. "Maybe that someone will regret, cause we all regret the chances we didn't take."

*********

Everyday waking up felt special. Knowing it is not a dream. I always wished if in dreams we could meet too.

Before night I would see his pictures. Zoom in a hundred times. I was his biggest fan girl. He was my 3:00 am thoughts. Every time I would wake up at 3:00 am and I would think of him. Smile over our conversations. I would cuddle my pillow so hard and sometimes I wished, if it was just his chest and I would hear his heart beat. Or just look at him. Sometimes he told me. "Love me, but don't go too deep." It bothered me. "Why can't I just love, to my hearts content? at least one of us has to do that."

He made me fell in love with who I was. I felt happy. But sometimes a simple thought would hurt me. "What if, this all is unreal?"

I respected him, his privacy. With me, it felt it was not the Zen the world knew.

It was morning. I wanted to write him meaningful things but his words. "Love me but take it slow." Would held me back. I didn't knew what kind of relationship we had.

He told me he would be going by bus this time.

I sent him a song that would make me think of him.

"Eyes are opened or if they are closed, I look at him everywhere."

"How should I tell him? Love happens everywhere, with the same person over and over again."

I never wanted to miss a chance. This is for me 'special' was. Sometimes I felt I gave too much and even hearing such words would be impossible from him.

I thought it was mutual.