loading......99.9% "Beast" [#Wattys2022]

28

"You have to answer me for my letters. I like you so either reject me or accept me."

"I don't know." He replied.

"You got time till the end of this year, if you will not give me an answer by then. I will have to murder my feelings for you."

"I don't know what I feel. I like you, but I don't know if these feelings are close enough to be known as love." 

I turned my phone upside down. I myself don't know what I am doing.

He texted again. "Your feelings for me are so pure." I hissed in the air. Even more than that.

"I loved reading all of those things. I always wanted to feel such love."

I sat there smiling, if only he knew he mattered more than these pieces of mere papers what was in my heart was just inexpressible.

"It take me back to the moment when love use to be like that."

I was red as a tomato. I tossed in my bed.

Oh Zen, I want to bring so much happiness in your life, I know you have been hurt we both have been. Our first conversation where you said that "If things didn't go the right way was because you didn't tried, so you just have to love twice put 201% effort and love till there is no other day you will live." These words they hiss over my ear cuffs and I want to love the way you told me. May be with your ways I might experience a love that I never had before. Because broken pieces always fit well in each other.

"I want to read more of these."

I was afraid, as the moments passed by. What if he is using all of us as a hangover to satisfy his pain? It can't be. I was so scared of ever walking on the path of love, because I knew, he had been on the same road, he will never hurt me as far as he know's how much it aches in the chest. No person is ever bad. I believed in this phrase I know, every bad person revolts due to a certain experience. No matter what people say as long as my heart beats for him I will not give up if one person broke his heart the other has to pay for the sin. That's not life, that's respecting the bad for doing bad and carrying the bad as a painful gift.

If I start ditching people like my ex did. What makes me different than my ex?

****

Today, like always. I saw them both. Zen and Isabelle giggling on a phone call, sitting just a bench away.

I sighed. I wanted to avoid this look. I took a detour but still destiny wanted me to see this picture.

Leah and I broke up so I had one friend I could count on, Jess.

We were sitting and discussing about I should as simply just give up. Zen might not be the right decision for me. Some things, hurt when we try to have them. Just because we like fire doesn't mean we can catch it.

"What should I do?" I held my head in my hands. "The more I resist the deeper my feelings grow. We talked and his cousin gave me hopes and he acts just clueless. His cousin said, he talks about this girl,  he talks to at night, I have never seen him like this before. He  just needs love. So you love birds must see each other in campus right? I had nothing much to say as I recalled the history. I told him. I love him and I care for him. But things won't proceed till he confess."

"So what he said." Jess asked.

"He will, he is just taking time."

"I swear I believed each word he said. I was ready to take him the way he is. But you see, he is so involved with Isabelle."

"Naomi" Zen looked at me. Scared.
"Have you seen Isabelle?"

"What happened?" I asked.

"I cannot find her anywhere, please find her."

My ears went mute. I was hurt. What do you speak of this behaviour. We don't speak words but action sometimes says it all.

Why do you keep playing with my brain? You say something but act the opposite of it.

A picture flashed, my past that I had locked away. And my nose started bleeding. My arm shaking wildly and everyone knew, except the guy I loved. He was sitting on his bike fifteen minutes later after finding the girl he was looking for. Both busy on a phone call.

I told u to reject when you can't return feelings with your feelings. Breaking someone's heart is a grave sin.

He was right, he was a beast. He tried to tell me in words, I will hurt you. I was so sure of myself that I will love him the way no body did but I was wrong.

There were so many things going in my head.

I cried so loudly with my hiccups and nose running. "Jess, why the world is cruel to me?" She hugged me.

"You should stop hurting yourself because of him. We need to take you to the hospital right now." She patted my head.

How innocent hearts are? they are like small kids, when  you say something nice they giggle when you do the opposite, they cry.

The world turned into black. I could only hear till the voices became faint. I was home. When I gained consciousness.

I was in a warm blanket. My toes cold. I heard faint voices.

I stood up, I pressed my ears with the door. My body frozen like a pole in the cold winters.

"I want divorce!"

These were the last things I heard before I jumped back. Tears silently rushed through my eyes.

I had no one I could talk to.

I saw my phone.

"Are you okay?"

Like you really care. You must have a purpose.

My fingers were shaking as I typed. "I want to die." And I melted into tears, my heart had a hole from the unbearable hurt, my hopes would slap me when I tried to ask them to stay by my side. 

I took the pills I knew,  I gulped one followed by another. The ones that are effective in rat killing. 

"You know, giving love is not my nature, I thought I have left these things in past. I'm mean! But I was so afraid to turn into an iceberg that I would tell myself. Another try, another person.  for another time. My past was like a co-wife no matter how much I hated it I have to live with that reality.  I hardly ever hoped of a prince in white. But we all are delusional by our choices. I wish you happiness. Though, you are responsible for your own good."

I started feeling dizzy as I could see everything in four visions.

"I'm here with you, I will be with you. Take my hand. I will make things better. Just trust me." Zen replied.

Everyone says it, but they just say, never implement, they never hold themselves accountable for that they say. Lies, pretty lies in every eyes.