loading......99.9% "Beast" [#Wattys2022]

1

He broke my heart. And I knew, it will be. I sighed. Pretty bad. Sometimes, you love someone, and you love them so deeply that you only see at that side. Making that person the luckiest person to survive. I changed my life, I cut down my hair short and started putting makeup. Maybe, my heart and my flaws could be invisible for time being. It was hard. You know faking. Wearing a smile. Walking with your heart being such a sponge inside your chest and your eyes finding stories on the spots on the roads. The road and my heart weren't different. It was being stepped on. He was my first love, my first man and probably my last man. 

Years passed and I still live in that thought, as if it is happening in present. My body still stays loyal. My eyelids protecting my vision. It was another definition of love. Maybe the purest definition of love. 

Today, he was getting engaged. I was happy at the same time I was dying, every second, every minute, every breath I took was just acting like needles on my heart. I wanted to cry. At least if I had the right to wept him off. But his eyes were looking at mine. They were challenging me for showing up. My heart was inside its own coffin. "How does it feels to see your ex boyfriend getting snatched away?" It's not like I never tried to stop him. I remember to have hugged his feet and telling him to stop. "I will exist as your third wheel. Maid, slave or anything you want me to be. Just.. don't leave me." That was that time when my pride was hurt, brutalized. 

And then.

I still came. My heart was hypnotized, it gave me hopes. Hopes like, "What if he changes his decision? What if he looks at me and rethinks about those six years we had together where we loved eachother, maybe I loved him more. The only sin I can never pay for was loving him beyond limits. Forgetting who I was and who he was. I never thought I could fall for someone like him. Someone who was more than ordinary to compliment my beauty. In the end beauty does not counts. No matter how pretty one is, it will still leave you broken. 

"Hey! what is this swan doing here?"

I looked at him. "What?"

"Butterscotch?"

"I don't drink."

"That's one nasty attitude you got there!" He smiled.

"Uh- did you saw something on the floor?" I raised my eyebrow.

"Where?"

"I think that's your attitude sweeping the floor." 

"You!" He held his anger in between his coiled temple.

"That's one hell of a sarcasm." He smirked.

"I need some air. Well see you around." Flirting with your kind of girls. 

That's how I have been turning down guys. 

He was not just my boyfriend. He was.. my escape from my hellish life.

"Look! Who we got here! The so called ex of my fiance."

"Uh- no" 

"You have some guts for showing in my engagement." She crossed her arms, showing the ring that  once I thought would be mine.

"That dress looks, just stunning, did he chose it for you? I remember I wore it once. See? you take things what belongs to others."

"Oh puhleez! if you were that important. Trust me! you were at my place greeting annoying guest like the one in front of me."

"See? I'm a guest you proved that." I smiled.

I walked away in my red gown. I wanted to be the most beautiful girl in his engagement. Everyone looked at me. Everyone and him too. 

"I wish it burns him. But I can't curse him. Because I love him too much and living without him is not the life I imagined." Tears were something that I had been holding inside.

I walked up to the terrace, where he and I once spent time talking about love, talking about us and our unfinished future. 

"Why did he lied, why did he gave me hopes of taking me out of this nightmare like dream. Why did he made me knit those innocent dreams that I had to murder. They were like my babies, I had been raising for years." 

"Maybe- my love was not enough. Maybe picking dirt where he walked from was ordinary. I wished I would have dissolved it in water and drank it. At the end when do people turn when they leave. And those who are everything to you, do it the most to you.

I took off the heels, held them in between my fingers. I stood at the edge. Looking at small streets and cars moving.

Was that it? Is it it? what will I do. I was there when people needed me. Whoever I wanted never stayed. 

Why should I live such a treacherous and lonely life. Tears fell down my eyes. I wish If I had  never met you.