Lost Alpha

NuNew's Journal July 24, 2024

Star is six weeks old in a few days. Not only is that a big milestone for her, but it is also a big milestone for us. A milestone I have mixed feelings about. Not because I don't want it. I miss it more than anything. But my body. It is not the same, and how I see myself in my mind's eye, is not good.

Before I was pregnant, I had stopped being ashamed of my figure, stopped wearing oversized clothes that hid my body and started wearing flattering clothes that were my size. At first, the response was embarrassing. People stared and approached me. With James, and Nat's help I overcame a lot and learned how to handle my feelings, and people's reactions. I even liked it. More than a little. I know it is vain, but it was good for my self-esteem. For the first time, when I saw myself in the mirror, I felt beautiful and desirable. That is the self-image I had when I saw Hia the night we made Star.

When I was pregnant, and I saw my reflection I felt joy. What I saw in the mirror represented the life that was growing inside of me. We were connected in a way; there is nothing like it. Strawberry and I were two souls sharing the same body. No one can be closer than that.

Once I was showing, my pregnancy bump brought delight to everyone who saw me. When you are pregnant everybody smiles at you. Strangers want to talk to you and wish you well. Women share their experiences and give you advice. It was a wonderful time in my life. So, when I saw myself in the mirror and I was pregnant, even when I was monstrously pregnant, I saw life and love.

The second the umbilical cord was cut, I realized, that I was only me again. It was no longer us. At that time, I was not able to investigate that feeling or mourn, because it got buried in the excitement of meeting Star for the first time. But it was always there. After we went home, in the weeks that followed it reemerged, and I had many sleepless hours to dwell upon it.

I felt like I was a husk, a hull, an empty shell; the bit that gets thrown away. A fat slob. An eye sore. Disgusting.

People were still drawn to me, but it was my beautiful baby they wanted to see. That would have been delightful if I got a greeting and then we talked about Star or the weather. But I had lost that special status of life-giver and had become the caretaker and when you were the caretaker people talked down to you.

The benedictions became criticisms. 'You look so tired.' 'You shouldn't leave the house looking like that.' 'How is losing the baby weight going?' Or my all-time favorite. 'You look like shit.' I went from a glowing goddess of fertility to a tired worn-out fat hag.

I know those words sound harsh, but they are the words I hear in my head. So, when I look at myself in the mirror now, that is what I see and think.

I am no longer that beautiful slender young man I was a year ago.

Now I am a used-up shell of an omega whose body still needs to recover. And once it does, I need to figure out who I am now and learn to love my body again. Even if there is evidence of my pregnancy marring my figure. Even if I am plump. I need to come to terms with my new definition of beautiful because I will never be that effervescent creature that Hia fell in love with again.

In two days, we are allowed to resume having sex, and I burn with desire for my mate. I need his touch like I need oxygen. But how can I have sex, feeling like this? I don't even like undressing to take a shower. How am I supposed to let Hia see me? He will be disgusted. I am disgusted and it is my own body. I can't bear to see revulsion in his eyes and then watch him hide it. Because he loves me, and he knows I look like this because I gave him a daughter.

If only I could have more time. I have been walking every day with Star for the last couple of weeks and I am getting stronger. I have already lost twenty pounds. Ten pounds from giving birth, and another 10 from my blood volume going back to normal, breastfeeding, and exercising. Thirty more pounds and I will be back to my pre-pregnancy weight.

If I can lose 2 pounds a week safely. That is 8 pounds a month. I should be okay in four months. But I don't know if Hia can wait that long. I saw a different plan online that was more aggressive. If I don't eat two days a week, exercise, and count my calories, I can lose five or more pounds a week. That would mean I only need six weeks.

How do I avoid getting naked for six weeks? He will want to be intimate as soon as we get the okay from Dr. U. If I tell him no, it will hurt him. He might think I am rejecting him because of something he has done. Maybe I can ask to turn the lights off and keep my clothes on. I can also do most of the touching and pleasing. Then I can avoid him knowing the extent of how bad I look.

The problem is, I have only had sex where he led. I have never taken control before. OMG, what do you care about more NuNew, him seeing your body, or being a terrible love?

Please, please, don't let him notice how weird I am being.