Lost Alpha

Journal Entry October 22, 2023

Last night was an epic mistake. I can't believe I gave in to him, but he was so sweet and tender. Is he just like that or am I special? It felt special at the time. Damn it, why am I so weak? I spent 5 years of my life waiting for him. I thought I was over him. I swore I was going to give up on him.

Tell that to me last night when after an embarrassingly little amount of wine, I let him pin me to the wall and shove his tongue down my throat. I guess, when I saw him again, it rekindled my pining and unrequited love. What a disaster.

I don't even know if he is dating Janis. They were friends all through college. Everyone thought he was waiting to ask her out after they graduated. They never announced they were a couple, but everyone assumed. I mean, they were inseparable. She is why I never confessed, why I always kept my distance. But Janis was not with him last night, and there was no ring on his finger, or mine. So why do I feel so guilty?

Because you gave it up to him like an omega in heat, except you are not in heat. It's all so embarrassing. But he smelled so good. I forgot how much I love his smokey scent. All he had to do was coat me in pheromones and stroke my scent gland, and I might as well have been in heat. Why did I react to him like that? It's not just because he is an Alpha. Plenty of Alphas have tried all sorts of strategies to get down my pants, but it never affected me. Not like this. I don't think I could have denied him if my life depended upon it. It was the most incredible night of my life.

Well, it's over now. By the time I woke up, the next morning, he was gone. He left me a note. It would have been better if he left without saying anything.

'NuNew

Good to see you again.

Zee.'

Wow, how underwhelming. He must have angsted over what to write for hours.

Maybe he looked up 'Noncommittal notes for when you accidentally hook up with a friend and are sneaking out the door before they wake up.', on Google.

Don't hurt yourself Hia.

I can't believe I gave my first actual penetration to him. I have been saving it... Well, I was saving it for him when I was in college. Since then, I haven't met anyone that I wanted to take seriously. I guess in a way it went to the intended person. I always imagined it would be a little more, romantic.

'Good to see you again.'

Not exactly the response I was expecting after giving up my...God, did we even use protection?

Shit, I'm late for a meeting. I'll think about this later.