Lost Alpha

Journal Entry November 17, 2023

I don't know what is wrong with me, but this week, I have hardly been able to keep my eyes open and I am still throwing up. I took a Covid test, and it was negative. I was sure it was Covid.

I did not get much work done all week and my editor is crawling up my butt and making a nest. I know we have a deadline, but I am only human! I am so stressed.

Mom is coming over with some food and is going to spend the night. It will be nice to have her here to take care of me. I could really use some Mommy love right now because I am feeling pretty worthless.

I have decided that reality is a real bitch. All these years, I thought Zee and I were friends, maybe, almost something more. I know this was not in my head. He used to take care of me and when he walked into a room it was my eyes he would search for. Everyone knew if I was off sulking or upset not to bother, Zee was already on his way with snacks.

The only reason we have not seen each other for the last year was because he never acted, and my heart was breaking saving myself for him. I decided to move on. What I was doing was so unhealthy and I think five years of waiting is enough. My youth was disappearing. How many opportunities did I dismiss because of him?

I wasn't dramatic about it, and I made sure that it would be gradual. I knew he would not notice or fight for me. It was depressing how easy it was to disappear from his life. It started after graduation. I began to avoid events where he would be. I took myself off the group chats. If he messaged me, which was not often, I would be nice, but I would not reach out to him. And things were better for me because of it.

I went on a few dates. I focused on my writing. I had my friends. I was happy. If I am being honest, I never fell out of love with him, and I missed him. But I was not in purgatory anymore. Purgatory is a very painful place.

And then I saw him again for the first time in a year. I was out dancing with my besties and some friends. James helped me put myself together and I knew I looked good. I was a modest dresser at university, but in the last year, with my besties' help, I flourished. Everyone always told me I was a beauty and for some reason, I would do everything I could to diminish that. Now, I enhance it. A flattering hairstyle. Some makeup. Fitted clothes. It is not indecent or anything. I would say it is cute, with a dash of sexy. But now people notice me and stare. And when I look in the mirror, I sometimes see that beauty that everyone says is there.

That night was one of those nights. I shone with confidence, and I was having fun with my friends. I wasn't self-conscious or in my head. I was simply, me. I don't know how long he had been there, sitting with Max and watching me. I remember feeling a lightning bolt strike in my stomach when I recognized him. When he saw that I noticed him he got up and walked towards me. I swear his eyes never left mine. He had never looked at me like that before. He looked, hungry. Hungry for me.

The rest of the night he stayed glued to my side. Looking at me with puppy dog eyes. I teased him and asked him if he missed me.

'You have no idea how much.'

He was so serious and intense. I felt it. That feeling I wanted for all those years. Like I was the only person who existed in the room for him. And he flirted with me, brushing his leg against mine and then leaving it pressed to me. Tucking my hair behind my ear. Using his finger to brush a crumb from my lips. I know it is cliché but to me it was incredible.

When I came out of the bathroom, he was waiting for me. His hands reaching to touch me. I stood there a little tipsy and stared at him. The hall outside the bathroom was not a very glamorous place for a first kiss. It smelled like sweat, booze, and vomit. It was dim and seedy with all sorts of dark corners that I am sure were used often. And I wanted to escape it, and the heat I felt coming off him in waves. I took a step toward the entrance to the bar, and he took three strides to meet me. Then all I could smell was him and everything else fell away. There was only him.

He looked at me like I was precious and touched me like I was perfection. He knew exactly where to stroke me to make me senseless with desire. The next thing I know we are in a cab to my house. He held my hand the entire time drawing figure eights on my palm. Making me shiver.

Once inside my house, as soon as the door closed, he was on me. Kissing me, whispering beautiful adoring words. He fulfilled all the dreams I had over the five years I loved him. That night, he worshipfully took my virginity. He knew it. I told him. It had to be obvious.

When he made love to me his eyes never stopped drinking me in. No one has ever paid attention to me like that. Learning about me by watching my every expression, movement, and sound. I was in raptures.

Later, I fell asleep in his arms as he cooed and stroked me. I don't think he ever went to sleep that night because every time I woke, he was watching me and touching me. I felt so loved. That is what kills me about the entire affair. He adored me that night. It was not wishful thinking. He told me as much. How could he do that and then ditch me?

These are the things that I cannot tell anyone because it is too painful. Because I was so easy to manipulate. I really hate him right now. For being so greedy and not caring about how he hurt me. His crime will never fully be known and that is how he is getting away with it. Because despite it all, I will never lift a finger to hurt him.

So yeah. I am in a dark place right now.