It is the last day of 2023. Tomorrow will begin the first day of the year that Strawberry will be born. 2024, I wonder what this year will hold for me. I am trying to stay positive that 2024 will bring Hia to me and the birth of our child. That the care and tenderness he showed me the night we had sex was real and that we will work everything out.
But there are demons in my mind. Demons that whisper horrible things.
'He does not want you... He slept with you and abandoned you. Do you think because you have his child, he will want you? He will never mate you. When he finds out, he will take Strawberry away and give your baby to Janis and let her raise your baby as theirs. You need to run away somewhere he can never find you. You cannot trust anyone. You need to protect Strawberry.'
I know this is the protective instincts bringing my deepest fears to light. Zee is not that kind of man. But every day that passes, with no word from him, I sink deeper into this paranoia. All day my thoughts are consumed with rearranging my nest and protecting Strawberry.
I growled at mom today when she brought me a glass of water. I did not see her coming and when I did, I threatened her. I barely stopped myself from striking her.
Dr. U said the longer I am without the baby's father's pheromones the worse I will get.
We saw Dr. U. yesterday. Strawberry is fine, and we are about to start the second trimester. I got to see the baby move. It was beautiful.
Dr. U. told me that if Zee does not come soon, she is going to have to start me on a regiment of hormones to replace the pheromones that I would get from him. Little Strawberry needs them to develop properly. But there is risk involved. Risk that I might reject them. I don't know what that means.
She also said that I was not doing well physically. I should have gained weight, but I am losing weight, and my blood work is concerning. Again, it is those damn alpha pheromones. Because we are not getting them, I am taking what Strawberry needs from my body and giving it to Strawberry. But my body is not designed to do that. So, I am left with a deficit.
Dr. U. wants me to start coming every week to monitor my health. If my blood work does not improve then she is going to have a serious talk with me about what my options are.
Bottom line? I would rather cannibalize myself then for Strawberry to go without. If Strawberry is fine, I can endure anything.
On another note, Dr. U has given me permission to go to James' house for New Year. If it is a quiet evening with only him and Nat, it should be fine. I am irrationally nervous to leave the house, but Dr. U encouraged me to go. She thinks it will lift my spirits and distract me from my paranoia. Happy mommy, happy baby. I am going to dress up, put some makeup on and remember I am all that, and a bag of chips.
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Lost Alpha
RomanceNuNew spent 5 years loving a man who never reciprocated. His entire college career was spent pining for an alpha male. Not anymore! After graduation, I am done. I am going to find someone who loves me. One year passed like this. NuNew did not find...
