Lost Alpha

Journal Entry February 8, 2024

I have been avoiding journaling about Film. I think; I know it is because I am so conflicted. He is a wonderful alpha. So very kind and attentive. He never complains. He never chastises me. He has this way about him; I don't mind him telling me what to do.

Maybe it is the way he phrases it.

'NuNew your dinner is getting cold. I prepared a plate of your favorites.'

'NuNew, Strawberry told me she wants a warm shower.'

'Strawberry can't talk.', I say.

'Shhh listen.', Film says.

Speaks in a falsetto voice.

'Mama likes warm showers. Strawberry likes too. Warm shower peas.', says Film pretending to be Strawberry.

That is so frikin cute. Apparently, I am weak for that. Who knew?

It's confusing and now that I am letting him in more. I am worried someone might get hurt. That's the problem with surrogate alphas. Lines get blurred. Feelings can grow. Someone gets left behind.

Normally, it is the alpha that is left behind with a broken heart. The omega has their beta. Everyone once in and a while you have an unclaimed omega, like me. But I am waiting for my real alpha. No matter how wonderful Film is, I only have Zee in my heart.

That leaves a wonderful alpha, who has his pregnancy pheromones triggered, left omegaless and childless. Left to mentally and biologically grieve.

I don't want that to happen to Film. I can see his care growing. The kindest thing I can do in this situation is to be distant and guarded, but I can't. I need to allow myself to feel good for this to work.

Damn it, Zee. Where are you? You are not just hurting me anymore.

And if you dare to give me a hard time about Film and this surrogacy, I am going to kick you in the nuts. Because that is how I feel every day accepting another alpha. And that is how he is going to feel when you take your place as my mate.