Psycho Love {Chaelisa}

43

LALISA MANOBAN'S POV

My throat feels dry. Should I get some whiskey? I probably need one to stay sane. My mind couldn't stop thinking about Rosie. I can't even really focus on watching the video clip. Hell know how much my heart beat inside of my chest for as much as I look into the video clip. The longer I watch it, the worst I feel. But I don't really want to speak about my feeling. I am not fond to feel this worrying, even to my own self. I know, deep down all I want to do is to just end my life so that I can wander as ghost. By that mean, I can easily sneak everywhere and has the power to teleport here and there, including having 10 sense.

Make me a god.

In my next life, I want to be a vampire. So that I can live in an isolated place, being immortal made like god, eternity of love, extra sense of power.

But of course, going high will make you pay higher price, doesn't it? Maybe I'll be tested different if I was a Vampire. Maybe I'll be tested in love. That way, I can't afford it if it mean to having my wife going through that awful things as the price. I will forget about that kind of wishful thinking if it meant to be like that. Rosie is more important than having an eternity of life. The reason why I want to be immortal in the first place is just to be with her till the end of this world. If it will only bring pain and disaster to her, what's the purpose anymore?

That's crazy.

And why am I even thinking about being a vampire right now? I must had lose my mind. I must had gotten so crazy that I mumble about something nonsense right now.

Pain, loneliness....

I feel incomplete. Is this what the real sadness should feel like? Trapped, alone and cold. People are living around you but you can't seem to live in the same way like them. I am me and they are they. I am wrapped always in my head, thinking about something else in my mind;

Rosie.

World will continue to evolve but I am just merely standing here to breathe. Being clueless, lost and empty.. life seems so dark.

Why am I mumbling about my emotions right now? I must had really lose my mind. I can't even think straight. I can't even do things right. I don't even know what I am doing. To hell fuck I don't know why I am saying this. I am just a mess. I just want to fucking die. I find no more reason to live.

Grunting, I bite off my lips hard. Why is living taking lots of energy. I feel exhausted. Am I drunk? I feel so exhausted. I shouldn't feel so tired but I did. I just want to Fucking break down. I want to fucking jump from a high building and get my fucking head explode when it come to the ground. I just want to find a fucking ropes and hang my fucking neck onto it. I just want to find a freaking knife and slit my wrist so that I can see the blood draining.

Thoughts of thoughts. One by one.

It all is coming in and I have no control over it. Am I weak? I think I am. Other people would mindlessly try to find their wife out there. They will not stop until they found their loved one's. But look at me here curling myself up in this darkness. All I did was sitting while looking up at the moon. I am too scared to even move. What's wrong with me?

What's wrong with me?

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!!"

Glass shattered, pain has come to physical. Burning liquid flowing, glass is broken. It comes to the real life story now. I know I no longer can glue those glasses again later. No matter what I did, the broken sign will never dissapear.

You can patch it but never erase it.

Pain, painful.

Human heart is made of flesh but the traits is same like glasses. No heart is made of diamonds. I will fucking shoot the person in the head if they told me their heart is made of diamonds. Because no matter how we want to deny it, our heart is fragile. No matter how emotionless we are, there is one time where the most sensitive spot got scratched and we lose it all.

Losing it all..

For real, for instant.

Someone, please save me.

Why am I so down? Why am I feeling this way? I didn't even drink any liquor. I wrote while I cry, what the fuck is wrong with me? Something is wrong with my heart. Is it finally back that, this life has come to an end? I don't want to live anymore. If life only offered betrayal and pain, why did I even live in the first place.

Save me.

I thought writing can be an escape. I thought fantasy can heal my heart. I really thought reading can be my distraction. But now I am all alone. I realize I have always been so alone in this big house. I have everything; wealth, fame and power. Why is my life so empty? Can't I just live normally like other people? Can't I?

Why living has to take up a lot of energy? Waking up everyday now seems to be harder. Everyday I woke up, I ask myself why didn't I just sleep more? I just want to have my eyes close. Death is terrifying before but now life is no less terrifying. Some people want to live out there. Can I trade my lifespan with them? I'm tired. Doing the simplest thing already made me feel demotivated. I can't even write, so I write about sadness. Will I go through this night and survive tommorow? Should I start to drink again? Too painful.

Too painful that I don't know what to do. Too much at one time. I just don't want to live but I don't want to die. Maybe I do really want to die but if I die, this story will never be completed. Should I wait until this story come to its end? Maybe I can make my death as the end of this love story.

I know, even if I die, it would be gone unnoticed. I heard a lot of rumors of people killing themselves. They looked so in peace. Finally after building up their career and do what they want, they let their soul leave their body. Will there be at least one person going to cry for me when I die? Will there be anyone missing me? Will there going to be anyone looking at the sky to talk to me? Will there be anyone regretting losing me in their life?

I feel like laughing now. There must be no one, isn't it? Of course, I am no one. I am just a writer in the mighty eyes, who use writing to write my part of life story. I am someone who just read to escape reality. I am just someone who use fantasy to make me happy.

Maybe the love story will come to an end with a real ending and a no more next story. The death could be the end of this tale.

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