Yours

October 14th

Dear Sophia,

I love you.

I’m still excited about yesterday. I feel even closer to you somehow. It’s funny how little things like eating or shopping can suddenly seem amazing and really important because they involve both of us.

The first thing I did today was go over the list from yesterday. Then I went straight to Tesco. I knew you wouldn’t be there because you’d done all your shopping yesterday. Still there was a tiny bit of me hoping you’d be there again. A bit of me is always hoping to bump into you wherever I am.

Here is everything I got.

Apples

Oranges

Bananas

Chips

Chicken breast

Red wine

Pasta

Bread

Rosemary

Potatoes

Spaghetti

Bolognese Sauce

Tinned tomatoes

Corn flakes

Carrots

Onion

Peppers

Cheese

Butter

Baked beans

Sweetcorn

Soy Sauce

Milk

Chocolate

Crisps

Cod

Bacon

Sausages

I hope that’s right. I’ve gone over it and I think it is.

It was pretty dark today. It was dark even in the middle of the day. I put my hood up for the walk home with the shopping because it was quite windy and I could feel my ears going numb. The plastic bags were digging into my hands and it hurt a bit in the cold. I normally don’t like walking home with my hood up

if it’s dark. I know the impression it gives other people. People pass me with as much space between us as they can get. They keep their eyes on me just to check what I’m doing. Sometimes I want to smile at them just to let them know I’m a good person and they shouldn’t judge me. It would probably just scare them more though.

Sometimes I get a kind of satisfaction out of people being scared of me. It’s nice to know that if for some reason I needed to I could scare people. Sometimes if I’m angry about something or I’m listening to fast music while I’m walking I feel like I could smash through anything in front of me and people getting out of the way helps that feeling.

Sometimes I feel like maybe I should do something scary just because they expect me to. They’ve already decided what I’m like. They assume that I must be coming from or on my way to doing something wrong. I can’t win.

It’s not really a problem though. I don’t like to talk to strangers anyway. It’s not a safety thing. I just don’t really like it. Sometimes I go for long walks when its dark and the night is playing with my mind a bit. I like to go out and walk and walk until my thoughts run out. That’s when it’s best to be ignored. I don’t want to have to engage with anyone or anything because I’m completely taken up with what’s going on in my head.

Sometimes it can feel a bit odd when people avoid me though. If I’m walking home from doing a big food shop for the woman I love it doesn’t seem right that people think bad things about me. I’m acting out of love which is more than I can say for them.

I don’t care about them really though. I don’t care what they think. They wouldn’t understand my life. They only look at me like that because their lives are full of fear. They read newspapers that tell them to be afraid of everything in the world especially harmless young men like me. They’ll never understand true love like we have Sophia. They don’t know what love is. I do. We do.

When I got in with the shopping I realised the fridge and freezer were still pretty full from the last shop. I went through it all. I took out anything that wasn’t on your list and got rid of it. It’s best for me to get into these habits now. There’s no point me hanging onto stuff that you won’t use. Every meal from now on will be something we can have together.

I love you.

Yours,

Andrew