Yours

October 11th

Dear Sophia,

I love you. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have let it get to me like that. I hope you understand why it did. It won’t happen again I promise. I’m not trying to justify it I just hope you can see why it happened. I promise it won’t happen again. I know you won’t treat me like that again. Even if it did happen again I won’t react like that. I shouldn’t tell you off like that. I wasn’t really angry at you. I can’t be angry at you. I was just scared.

It just made me think so many horrible things and I didn’t know how to handle it. If I think about it now I still feel myself get really worked up. My heart starts going. I can’t control it. Now I know I can’t control how I react. That means now I know I can’t let myself ever get worked up like that again. Now I know it’ll never happen again. You won’t let it happen again and I won’t either.

I almost didn’t come today. I felt so sick this morning. My hands were all sweaty and I couldn’t concentrate. I think my body wanted to be sick but I hadn’t eaten since yesterday morning. There was nothing in me. Every now and then my body would jerk a bit but nothing would happen. After a few times I stopped even bothering moving to the toilet. I knew nothing was going to come up.

People were giving me funny looks in Starbucks. I guess I’d be wary of someone sitting in the corner going to to the toilet every few minutes and retching like I was. If they knew what I was feeling then they would have understood. If they’d known I felt like the whole world was falling apart then they wouldn’t have judged me like that.

Every time I saw what looked like a couple coming in I thought my heart was going to explode. My skin felt like it was on fire. I couldn’t find a way to get relaxed. I thought I couldn’t feel anymore on edge. Then I’d see another couple come in and my body would ache even more.

It was so dark today. It felt like the whole world was closing down. Going away. Everything was going wrong and it meant nothing could exist anymore. I felt so weak. After a while I bought a big cookie to try and give myself some energy. The first bite felt awful in my mouth and I spat it out and left the rest on the table.

I have no idea what time you came. You probably weren’t even late I just felt so bad it felt like I was waiting forever. There was some man who came in right after you but you didn’t know him. You were just holding the door for him. I love how polite you are. It almost gave me a heart attack though.

It was so stupid of me. Of course you weren’t with him. Of course you weren’t seeing that man again. He was just a friend. Probably not even that. A colleague. Maybe you were just comforting him. Maybe something terrible had happened to him. It definitely looked like that. You’re such a good person. It’s really kind of you to sit and talk to him just when he needed someone most. Holding a hand is a good way to reassure people. I hope he’s feeling better now. You have to make sure you don’t let him take advantage of your sympathy and good nature though. I think that’s a big trick men play sometimes.

You were in and out really quickly today. It was enough though. That’s all we need. Just to see each other. I took a deep breath and laid back on my chair after you’d gone. I was so grateful you’d come in and made me feel better. I felt my body calm a bit.

You made everything clear for me. You knew I was worrying and you dealt with it. It was really kind of you. Thank you. I’ll try not to worry about anything like that ever again. I know sometimes things can look bad when really they’re not at all. You’ll always be kind to people and you’ll always be popular and I don’t want to change that. You’re perfect as you are. I wouldn’t change anything.

I love you.

Yours,

Andrew