Sidharth sat there fuming. He wanted to break the phone right then and there. The normalcy and the positivity in the text message was driving him insane.
Akshay
Kesi hai meri Sanu?? Mujhe pata hai abhi tu door hai aur naraz hai aur tu pata nahi kya kya soch rahi hai hum dono k baray mai. Par Sanu hum ne sara bachpan sath guzara hai tujhe bhi pata hai aur mujhe bhi, k hum dono sirf ek doosre k liye hi hain aur rahenge hamesha. Tu ghussa thook de aur chetti chetti mere kol waapis aja. Jab ayegi mujhe dekhe gi tou tu khud maan le gi k tu meri hi hai. Miss you !❤️
Sana quickly turned the flame off and took the cutlets out in a plate, keeping them aside. The silence she was met with upon asking him who it was, pretty much answered it for her. She was so scared about how he would react knowing that this was the third time Akshay had tried showing that everything was perfectly normal between them and she knew how Sidharth had kept his calm earlier but she wasn't too sure now. she turned around and moved closer to him and the counter. He sat there silently, but she could see how his teeth were clenching together and his nostrils slightly flaring. He was quietly staring at her phone and she could tell he was trying extremely hard to control his anger.
She walked closer and quietly picked her phone up and the moment her phone lit up, she read the message too. She herself felt unimaginable anger rising through her seeing the confidence and normalcy in his message. Why was he being so stubborn and delusional? Was he out of his freaking mind? Had she not made it clear and obvious enough that she didn't see him that way? Has she not made it obvious enough since she moved to Mumbai that she is not interested in him, let alone in love with him. She wanted to smash her phone and her head in the wall right away. If she felt so annoyed, it scared her to realize how angry Sidharth would be. She could hear his shallow breathing but he sat there completely silent, and that scared her all the more. She could tell he would no longer ignore it or let it pass.
"Si..Sidharth" she said in an extremely low murmur.
He was looking ahead, but she could still feel his eyes burning. She saw how his hands had this insanely tight grip on the counter.
"Sidharth, ye pata nahi kya.." she started off.
He instantly moved his eyes towards her, shutting her up midway and before she could go any further, he surprised her by snatching her phone from her hand. Her eyes widened and flickered down to the phone and then to him.
"Sidharth, kya kar rahay ho?" she asked in a reluctant and scared voice as his fingers furiously moved on her phone.
"Sidharth, meri baat suno..aap kya kar rahay ho?" she asked again when he didn't answer. She slowly kept her fingers on his wrist trying to calm him down but he didn't budge.
"I'm calling this bastard and telling him off right away." he gritted his teeth as his fingers worked on her phone.
Sana's eyes widened and her lips parted with shock and panic. No. This would complicate and mess things up even more. He didn't know her family. They would destroy everything.
"WHATT? SIDHARTH NOO. PAGAL MAT BANO, LAO IDHAR DO" she gasped as she tried pulling her phone away from his hands, panicking.
His grip however was extremely tight and Sana's attempts weren't making any difference. His eyes finally flickered up from the screen to her face. She could see his eyes were almost red at this point. He furrowed his eyebrows slightly seeing her pale and panicked face.
"Why? What's wrong in that? Let me call this fucker up and end this once and for all" he barked.
"No no no Sidharth please No. Ye sab kuch kharab kar dega humare liye..no aap idhar laao" she panicked trying to pull her phone away from his hold.
He dialed the number and put the phone to his ear completely ignoring Sana. When she heard the first bell ring, she immediately pulled the phone away with both her hands catching him off guard and cut the call before he answered. The moment she did that, Sidharth's eyes widened with anger and he completely lost it.
"WHAT THE FUCK SANA? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO??" he shouted, his eyes boring angrily in to hers.
She finally breathed as the call ended and kept her phone aside, holding her forehead in her fingers.
"Sidharth, meri baat suno. Araamse , please relax karo aur suno" she tried calming him down and extended her other hand to hold his face but he instantly moved back pushing her hand away harshly.
"Answer me. Why. Did. You. Cut. The. Call. Sana" he said in a low voice, emphasizing on each word.
This is what she was fearing. He was just being impulsive right now and he wasn't thinking straight. Akshay had no clue about who he was and if he truly was in some delusion that everything was fine between them, so much so, that he said the exact same thing to her mother too, despite Sana categorically telling him that she cannot marry him, it meant that he would never take Sidharth seriously and on the contrary, he would make it all about Sidharth and pin it all on him, saying that he was some manipulator who was fooling or using Sana due to which she's behaving this way. What he needed to understand was that it wasn't about him. It was about Akshay and all of them knowing that it was Sana who had made this call for the first time in her life. She was calling the shots for her life for once, it wasn't because some man influenced her in to it, it was because she finally knew what she wanted from life and she wasn't going to back down just because her family wanted her to, like always. So Sidharth calling him like this would only strengthen his belief that Sana was being manipulated and fooled in to making this decision and in reality, she still wanted Akshay.
The kind of confidence he was showing in Sana's love or whatever for him, it scared Sana. He was acting like some obsessive psycho who couldn't see it for what it actually was and who was hell bent on proving that Sana too loved and wanted him, it was only the distance that was making her behave this way. Sidharth would be an easy target for him to further believe his story.
"Sidharth. Aap pehle saans lo ge?" she said in a calm voice, looking in to his eyes.
"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" he asked her, completely shocked with her calmness.
"Is it this hard for you to understand?" he asked her.
She sighed looking to the other side and clasping both her hands together on top of her forehead, completely losing control of the situation. He sat there quietly looking at her, waiting for an answer.
"Aap suno ge mujhe pehle araam se please? I want this to end as much as you Sidharth. Can you please just listen to me?" she tried talking to him as calmly as she could.
"Then why didn't you let me talk to him?" he asked her in the same tone.
Sana sighed loudly.
"Dekho, wohi bata rahi hoon na, it is not that simple Sidharth. You don't know Akshay" she tried speaking but he cut her off.
"And you know him very well. Sath bachpan aur jawani jo guzri hai. Of course Of course" he sneered, rolling his eyes sarcastically.
"Tch. Sidharth aise kyun keh rahay ho, you know it's not about that. Par wo bohat pagal aur gadha aadmi hai. Wo ab tak meri itni clear baat nahi samajh k kisi delusion aur denial mai reh raha hai tou aapko lagta hai aapka phone jatay hi wo ek seedhe saadhe achay insaan ki tarah peeche hat jayega kuch bole bina?" she tried making him understand.
"Please Sana, spare me the crap. I'm sick of this bastard and I will not bear his stupidities anymore. I mean kya itna khaali hai iska dimagh k ek seedhi baat nahi ghuss rahi andar? Mujhe bohat achi tarah ghusaani aati hai. BC ko ukta latka dunga mai" he gritted his teeth, his nostrils flaring.
"I know I know. Lekin aap aramse pehle meri baat suno tou sahi. Sidharth main ahi chahti na k wo aapke upar iss sab ko daal de. Mai khud usko ye yakeen dilana chahti hoon k I just don't want him. it is not because someone has forced me in to it, it is just what I don't want for myself. Aap baat karoge tou usko kitna easy target mil jayega and his delusion won't go away naa" she tried making him see it through her perspective.
"Sana? Seriously? That fucker will not get it no matter what you say or do. Itna samjh nahi aaya kya abhi tak? Ya tum bhi uski tarah hi khaali ho upar se?" he spoke bringing his face closer to hers and staring at her face angrily.
"Tch Sidhaaaarth. Aap baat tou suno na araam se. Apna dimagh khol k suno meri baat, ghusse ko side pe kar k" she said softly coming closer to him and cupping his cheek in her hand.
"Mai apna dimagh kholu? Are you even listening to yourself Sana? Gadhi lag rahi ho bilkul. Lag kya rahi ho, ho ek number ki. Akshay ko kuch na ho bas, humari band wo jitni marzi bajata rahay, haina?" he harshly pushed her hand away.
"Sana honestly, I get that you have a soft corner for him and I know you don't like it when I say something to him. Tum mujhe ek hi dafa bata do na, k usko kya kya keh sakte hain aur kya kya nahi, taqay aap ko bura na lagay" he smiled sarcastically.
She rolled her eyes. He was being his angry childish self now. This is what he did. He always closed his mind off when he was angry. She slammed her palm on her forehead.
"Hey Bhagwan" she closed her eyes, losing control of whatever she was trying to hold on to.
"Akshay mai aisa kya hai Sana? Mujhe bhi batao. Itna hi khayal hai uska tou what are you even doing here, ussi k paas chali jao na waapis" he said stubbornly.
She snapped her face towards him shocked at what he just said. He was doing it again.
"Sidharth, bakwaas mat karo. Suno meri baat, idhar aao" she moved closer and extended both her hands to hold his face. He cowered back and held both her hands in his midway.
"Nahi nahi please enlighten me. What is it about him Sana that you just can't seem to let go off him? Why are we even here then? Why waste my time, hmm?" he asked her calmly, smiling slightly scaring her.
"Sidharth please. Mujhe darr lag raha hai" she said softly.
"Kya dekhne mai acha hai Akhshay? Does he have a good body? Nice built? Aur haan, umar mai bhi tou chota hoga na. Tere jitna hai ya tujh se thora bara?" he said calmly, looking in to her eyes. He was scaring her senseless.
"What?? Bakwaas mat karo" she said shocked at where he was going with this. She knew his mind was blocked with anger right now and so she was trying to be as calm with him as possible. He still had her hands in his hold.
"No seriously, please tell me. Kabhi picture nahi dikhayi tu ne uski. I'm sure he's really good. Wo kya kehte hain Punjabi mai? Haan, Gabru jawaan hoga na" he smiled venomously.
"Sidharth stop please. Kya boli jaa rahay ho?" she said softly, her arms were hurting now because of the way they were stretched out in the middle.
"Arey kyun? Don't like discussing about him? Then why not let me talk to him and find out for myself? Ya uss mai bhi darr hai k kahin mai usko hurt na kar doon?" he asked her in the same tone. Though he was smiling but his eyes and his overall face was telling her how mad he was.
"Sidharth, will you please stop? Ye sab faaltu baatein kyun kar rahay ho jab aapko bhi achi tarah pata hai k aisa kuch nahi hai. Mere dil mai kuch nahi tha aur na hai uss k liye. You know that" her voice lightly quivered in the end as she tried pulling her hands out of his hold, her arms were hurting. He tightened his hold on her hands instead, keeping them in place.
"No you know what? Actually, I don't. I don't know Sana. All I do know is k this Akshay is really living here in between us despite being miles away, and no matter what I try, I'm unable to get rid of him. So now, I really don't know." He said calmly, looking in her eyes. He could see the fear in them.
"NAHI HAI AKSHAY KUCH. SIRF AUR SIRF MERI ZINDAGI KI SAB SE BARI PARIKSHA AUR GHALTI HAI BAS WO. NA MENE USEY TAB CHAHA THA NA AB CHAHA HAI. THOP DIYA GAYA THA USKO MERE UPAR. I DON'T WANT HIM SIDHARTH" she shouted looking in to his eyes. He could see her eyes wetting the slightest bit. She again tried pulling her hands out, but he didn't budge.
"Tell me. Is he good looking? Awaaz achi hai kya? Does he talk sweetly to you and make you feel loved and wanted?" he asked her calmly. He knew he was riling her up, but he didn't care.
She was shocked. She just opened her mouth to answer but nothing came out. She just stared at his face helplessly.
"Tumhari umar mai yahi sab fascinate karta hai na? K kon aapko kitna chah raha hai, aapke peeche pagal ho raha hai. Baar baar aapko ehsaas dila raha hai of how much they want you? Does he ever try getting romantic? Kabhi express kia hai usne of all the things he wants to do to you? Ek baar you didn't let him kiss, tou uske baad kya he never tried anything else? I'm sure there's so much he wants to do, knowing that you're untouched and untainted" he was being downright mean, impulsive and possessive. He knew it.
She couldn't believe her ears. Her arms were numb at this point.
"Sidharth? Seriously?" her voice was a low whisper, he could hear the crack in it as her eyes filled up but she didn't let the tears fall.
"Kyun? Sahi tou keh raha hooon. Kya yahi sab fascinate nahi karta? And I'm sure he has.."
"SHUT UP SIDHARTH! STOP, PLEASE. BAKWAAS KYUN KAR RAHAY HO JAB APKO BHI PATA HAI K YE SAB SACH NAHI HAI" she shouted, her voice cracking fully and her eyes blurring because of the tears filling them up.
"YOU KNOW WHAT SANA?? EK DAM THEEK HAI TUMHARI FAMILY TUMHARE SATH. PATA HAI NA UNKO TUMHARE DIMAGH KA ISSI LIYE HAMESHA KHENCH K RAKHA HAI TUMHE. SAHI KIA K TUMHE KABHI KOI DECISION NAHI LENE DIA KYUNKI TUM USS LAYAK HI NAHI HO. UNKA BHI JEENA HARAM KAR DETI AGAR TUMHE KHENCH K NA RAKHTE. AUR AKSHAY BHI EK DAM PERFECT HAI TUMHARE LIYE. TUMHARI FAMILY HAI, UNSE BEHTAR TUMHE KON JAAN SAKTA HAI, JO KIA AB TAK EK DAM THEEK KIA HAI AUR AGAY BHI BILKUL THEEK KARENGE. TUM HO JO AISI. TUMHE KYA PATA MAI BHI TUMHARA ISTEMAAL KAR RAHA HOON, KYA KISI KO BHI SAHI MAAN LO GI??" he screamed right in front of her face.
The moment he said that, Sana's breath caught in her throat. She actually stopped breathing for a second and the world around her just zoned out. Her shocked and blank eyes looked at his as his eyes widened. A lone tear finally dropped down running through her cheek as she stared at him. his mouth opened as he realized. She slowly pulled away her hands from his, her arms were completely numb now. The moment she pulled her hands out of his, his face lost color. Sana's face was so red that he felt like just a touch, and her blood would start oozing out of her skin. Her eyes kept looking in to his blankly.
"Sana" his voice was barely a whisper as she took a step back. Her movements were so dead, so silent but so painful that he felt like the ground beneath his feet slipped. She took another step back, while another thick fat tear rolled down her face. Her eyes never left his even for a second.
Sana turned around and walked out of the kitchen and reality shook him.
"Sana no no no no . Sana" his voice was a panic filled whisper as he saw her walk away.
He finally felt like his feet could move and he ran towards her, out of the kitchen. The moment she heard him coming, she started running towards the guest room. Her tears silently flowing down her cheeks.
"SANA. FUCK NO. SANA STOP. PLEASE" he ran behind her. His voice was quivering. His heart was constantly sinking deeper and deeper. She ran faster and the moment she reached the door, she pushed it open and though he caught up with her, she went in and despite his hand trying to hold the door, she slammed it shut, making him push his hand away.
"SANA PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR. FUCKKK. SANA" he shouted as he stood outside, constantly turning the knob, there was pin drop silence on the other end. He hadn't been so scared in a long time. He kept shouting her name and banging the door but nothing happened. There was no sound from the other end. He ran his hand in his hair desperately as he turned and walked towards the lounge. He couldn't believe he just said that.
"Fucking HELLL" he shouted as he went up to the kitchen and picked the empty glass kept on the kitchen counter and threw it down, breaking it into pieces.
"FUCK" he screamed as he rubbed his hand harshly on his face.
Her hollow and pained face wasn't leaving his eyes. He wanted to slam his fist through the wall. He stood there leaning his elbows on the kitchen counter , his face in both his hands. He could hear his heart thumping wildly as the entire conversation rang through his head.
"Fuck. No no no" he banged his fist on the slab. He harshly rubbed his face in his hands trying to calm himself down a bit. he could feel the heat coursing through his body and heating his face up.
"How the fuck did I just say that to her. About her family? Those people? Fuck, Sidharth" he muttered to himself.
He realized what he just did, was a mistake, a big one. She expected him to understand, out of all the people. He let his anger, his possessiveness for her, his love, get in the way. His mind was completely blocked out. He had to understand that she was still a 25 year old girl, who had lived a very different and controlled life. She was always conditioned to give in to everything her family demanded from her and that made her the person she is. She has been conditioned to let people and her family walk all over her, in the pretext of wanting and doing her the best. That girl, she was still yet to live life, explore life, learn her lessons, make her choices. She was too young and naïve. Life was as it is very hard on her until now. He made her look at things differently. He made her question all that she was used to off until now. For the first time ever, she took a stand for herself and her career when she begged them and bargained with them to let her come here, have a career and make a name for herself. She shouldn't have begged, but she had to. Despite that, she stood up against her mother, told Akshay she can't marry him, did all the things that were new for her, took all the risks not caring of what the consequences or responses would be just for love, just for him. His heart shattered.
"Fuck. My baby" he wanted to cry.
He could feel the burn in his eyes. He felt like crap. Life was as it is so hard for his little baby. She was such a warrior. She fought for what she wanted to do. She took such a big leap of faith and came here. Just to do something for herself for once. He was so proud of her. He was so grateful to her for taking that leap, or else how would he ever meet her. His angel. The age where young girl are supposed to just life life as it comes, have fun, explore new things, his baby was being forced in to such major decisions of her life. Why. He wanted to burn down the whole world for being so hard on her. her family. They were supposed to protect her, let her bloom. They cut her wings before they could even come out. And he? What did he just do?
"FUCK FUCK FUCK" he screamed, rubbing his face.
He did exactly what they had been doing. He told her that they were right in dealing with her the way they had been. He just broke her once again by telling her that this is exactly what should have been done with her. He was the one who made her realize how she deserves a voice of her own, a choice of her own in how she should live her life and just now, he was the one who told her that she doesn't deserve one. He wanted to burn his tongue and mouth down. He just told her that she shouldn't be here trusting him. he felt like he was losing his mind. He would go crazy.
He went up to the sink, and splashed handfuls of cold water all over his face. It stung his burning skin and he liked it. How was he supposed to go face her. But how was he supposed to stay here after shattering her like that. He could feel his eyes constantly stinging and burning. He ran his wet fingers through his hair, pushing them back. His eyes flickered to the closed room and he heard his heart beat escalate. His heart was literally in his mouth. He released a deep breath before he began to walk out of the kitchen. As his steps walked towards the room, he felt like his heart would explode any second. Her hollow eyes were haunting his entire being. As soon as he reached the door, he felt this maddening desperate urge to crush her in to his arms and never let her leave. He felt like this drowning man who had to get a hold of her, to come out of the water. There was still pin drop silence from inside the room and that really scared her. He lifted his hand slowly and held the door knob, his throat running dry. The moment he gave the knob a little push, the door pushed open. His eyes widened with shock and relief. Did she open it up? Or was it open the whole time? He had no clue. All he knew was that he needed to see her like a dying man needed air. He slowly pushed the door further and the bed was empty. He lost his mind. His eyes scanned the room as fast as he could until they stopped.
She was sitting down on the floor, next to the side table, leaning by the wall. Her knees hugged her chest and her hands were wrapped around her knees, it felt like she badly needed someone to hold and hug her. His heart sank deep down his stomach and shattered at the same time. Her eyes were staring down at the floor as thick painful tears constantly flowed down her face. Sidharth wanted to smash himself somewhere. He finally walked towards her with as slow steps as he could, his eyes burning and stuck to her small form. The moment he reached her, he slowly bent down to her level. He could hear her breathing turn shallow, but her eyes didn't lift even once to meet him. Her nose and cheeks were red and so so wet. He reluctantly lifted his fingers and kept them on her fingers slowly and softly.
"Sa." He gulped to take a hold of his voice. "Sana" he barely whispered.
"Please Jao Sidharth" she replied in her thick broken voice. Her tears were relentless.
"No. I'm not going anywhere Baby. Please" he whispered, afraid that if he talked even a bit louder, his voice would break.
He finally kept his hand on hers fully but she didn't move. He knew he had to, or else he would lose it. He came closer and grabbed her by the back of her knees taking his other hand behind her back, holding her. The moment his hands touched her, she jerked and tried resisting him as she realized what he was trying to do.
"Please" she cried silently. His heart broke endlessly.
He didn't answer her as he grabbed her fully in his hold and once his hands were securely holding her, he stood up, with her in his arms. The moment he stood up, her hands unconsciously went around his neck, trying to keep her balance. His lips curved up slightly but he didn't say anything as he looked down at her. He turned around and walked out of the room, taking her in to the lounge. She remained silent throughout but he could hear her soft sniffles and he could see how her tears were flowing endlessly, crushing his heart. He reached the lounge and walked up to the sofa, carefully placing her down there and sitting next to her. the moment he placed her there, she again hugged her knees back to her chest.
"Sana, look at me bacha" he slowly whispered.
"No. you're right. I don't deserve any of this" she mumbled, her voice raspy and croaked.
"I don't deserve you Sidharth" she said in a low but firm voice.
His heart sank. No.
"Sana..Lis..Listen" he was finding it hard to find his voice.
"No Sidharth. Aap ne sab theek kaha. Wo log mujhe jaante hain issi liye aisay rakha, shayd main nahi hoon iss layak k kuch sahi kar saku ya samajh saku. Jab se yahan aayi hoon, aapki life ko bhi wesa kar dia. I'm Sorry Sidharth" her voice choked.
No no no no. He gulped.
"SANA please stop" he raised his voice slightly moving closer and holding her hands.
"I'm sorry. Shayd na chahte huay bhi mai kuch na kuch ghalat kar hi deti hoon. Aapko hurt nahi karna chahti phir bhi kar deti hoon. Apne ghar waalo ko bhi tang kia yahan aanay k liye, par Sidharth mujhe karna tha ye. Apne liye." She cried softly.
"No no no. Sana. Please No baby. I know" he begged her, helplessly.
"Mai khush thi Akshay k sath. Mene hamesha ki tarah sar jhuka dia tha iss faisle k liye bhi, issi liye tou ek last baar yahan aakar apne liye kuch karna tha. Usey pyaar nahi tha kabhi bhi, he never made me feel any of those things that I now feel, par tab bhi I was okay with it. Ye soch kar k shayd yahi hai meri life mai so bas theek hai. Reh loongi uske sath. Shayd jo feelings mai sochti hoon, wo mai kabhi feel nahi karungi and its okay. Yahan aap mil gaye. Aapke jesa koi kabhi nahi mila tha Sidharth. Kabhi kisi ne mujhe ye feel nahi karaya k mai bhi important hoon. Mujhe kya chahiye, mujhe kya sochna hai wo bhi important hai and before I realized, my heart started beating for you." She spoke softly.
His heart was in his mouth.
"Par ghalat kia. Aapko bhi sirf tang kia. I'm sorry. Aap jesa kabhi koi dekha nahi na, so mujhe nahi aata shayd ye sab sambhaalna. Itni samajh nahi hai mere andar, kyunki hamesha ek tarah ki zindagi hi jee aur dekh k yahan tak pohnchi hoon. Iske ilawa bhi kuch hota hai, I didn't know" she cried.
"I know baby. Please don't say this. I know" he tried assuring her, his own voice shaking.
"Sidharth mai har kisi k liye ek problem ban jaati hoon na? Which they have to deal with. My parents, Akshay, even you. I've only caused problems and trouble for you. Mene nahi chaha ye, par phir bhi ho jata hai. You are so right, they know me that's why they have always tried keeping me under hold warna pata nahi kya kar loon. Mai hoon hi AISIII" she suddenly pulled her hand out of his hold and slapped herself closer to her cheek. His heart fucking stopped.
"SANAAA" he shouted as he immediately grabbed her hand and his eyes widened with fear.
His heart was beating like anything and his eyes were filled with fear.
"Don't stop me" she cried, pulling her hand out of his hold.
He came back to his senses. She needed him. He couldn't fall weak. She was constantly trying to pull her hand out of his while she kept muttering profanities and curses for herself.
"SANA STOP IT. LISTEN TO ME" he shouted bringing her to her senses. The moment he shouted, she stopped. Her red broken eyes met his red and equally broken ones.
"YOU ARE THE BEST POSSIBLE THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE. DO YOU GET THAT?? I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD HAVE EVER DONE WITHOUT YOU. YOU ARE THE REASON I BREATHE BETTER. I LIVE BETTER. YOU ARE EVERYTHING SANA. I WOULD GIVE EVERYTHING AWAY TO LIVE MEETING YOU OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. GET IT???" he shouted each and every word with as much conviction as he could while staring in to her eyes.
She sat there silently, her eyes looking in to his as her lips quivered the slightest bit.
"Listen to me. Listen to me, very carefully" he spoke with conviction cupping her face in his hands and slightly turning it towards him.
"I am so so so so fucking sorry for what I just said Sana. I'm the biggest dumbest dick on earth. I never meant any of that Sana. I never can. How can I? Agar tu na milti mujhe, tou mera kya hota? How can I ever mean that? I'm so so sorry bacha" he said in a heartfelt regretful way, his eyes boring in to her wet ones.
She tried opening her mouth but then closed it, her lips quivering and eyebrows furrowing. He slowly pushed her hair back that was stuck to her wet face. She sat there like a little child who really was losing all hope in herself. He would make sure to love her back in to it. he released a deep breath.
"Sana, I want you to listen to me, very very carefully. I want you to know what happened seven years ago. Will you do that? Hmm baba?" he asked her softly as if speaking to a little child. She was one, for him.
His eyes lovingly roamed her entire face as his fingers removed the hair strands that were sticking to her eyes. She blinked the moment his fingers touched her eyes. How could he be okay with hurting her like that. She was his angel. She was one of the most purest and kindest souls that he had ever come across in his entire life. Her innocence, her naivety was so childlike. Every time he called her his baby, or his bacha, he very much meant it. She did arouse all those feelings inside him. She was his baby. Even now, despite everything, she still sat there like a little child looking at him for comfort. Despite being hurt, she still listened to him like her life depended on it. Her pink lips were slightly puckered out as her gaze met his. She softly nodded, blinking her doe eyes at him.
"Thank you" he said as he lifted himself up and placed a soft kiss right at the top of her head.
He took a deep breath and sat cross legged leaning back on the sofa, facing her, as he prepared himself for what he was going to revisit. She sat there in the same position, her back leaning the sofa and her face slightly turned towards him. She silently and blankly looked at him waiting for him to continue. Her tears had stopped flowing now but her face was wet and sticky.
"Sana dad passed away aaj se almost eight years ago now. He was really sick towards the end. It was a prolonged lung disease that had completely destroyed his lungs and despite so many hospital visits towards the end, nothing really made any difference. The doctors had told us that there was only so much they could do and only so much his body could take. In the end, it was just a painful wait. Mom was very strong like always, so were my sisters. But me? I wasn't ready. I was the youngest and the closest to my dad. He was my hero, my everything. He was the one who wanted me to be a pilot. He was the one who instilled this dream in me since I was 6. He was the one who I would sit with on the roof of our house for hours and hours to see the planes flying by and then talking about them, and how it must feel being up there, that feeling, that power, that excitement, it was he who used to talk to me about it. The first toy plane that I collected to my first ever flight as a co-pilot, it was all with him, or because of him. it was all him Sana" he sighed.
Sana was now more attentive and slightly more turned towards him as he spoke. She had an idea that he was close to his father, he had spoken to her about him very briefly when they had just met and he had brought her home from the pandal, but she had never known the level of their closeness until now.
"Every achievement, every failure, everything was with him. He taught me everything Sana. He treated me exactly how he treated his daughters. He taught and showed me what equality really is. He always told me that just because I'm a boy, I cannot get away with everything. He taught me that his daughters are as much his as much as I am. He taught me that I'd be punished equally when I did something wrong, just like them. He taught me that they have an equal right to achieve and live their dreams as much as I do and he made sure that they do. He taught me by example what respecting women means. He was the kindest and the most wisest man I had ever known Sana. He was everything" his eyes blinked back to keep the tears in.
Sana's heart was finding it's beat again. Seeing that wetness glimmer in his eyes, it stung her like a burning rod. She turned fully towards him and slowly blinked to let him know that she was there.
"So I was not ready to lose him. Losing him meant losing everything that I had ever known. Seeing that smile on his face when I flew my first ever plane, it was unmatchable. I could live and die a million more times just to see that smile again. I felt like I had conquered the world Sana. That feeling, it is inexplicable." He slowly looked towards her.
She tried smiling through her wet eyes but she was finding it hard to control back the tears. She gulped, trying extremely hard to keep her composure and not jump in to his arms right away.
"When he passed away, all hell broke loose. It was worst then I could ever imagine. I felt like he took away the reason for everything with him. I felt like I no longer needed to be strong, I no longer needed to be brave, I no longer needed to continue flying, since he wasn't there. He took it all away with him. When I was slowly giving up on everything one by one, it was then that mom intervened. I was always extremely close to her too, but after dad, both my sisters were already settled and married so they eventually had their own families to go back to, it was then when mom and I became extremely close. The strong woman that she is, she brought me back to life, she made me realize that how I needed to find my strength and purpose back now more than ever because now he was everywhere, watching over me. So how could I let him down just like that? She brought me back to flying Sana. She became my best friend. She became the father I had just lost." he gulped back his tears but hers were unstoppable.
Sana sat there smiling through her tears as they flowed down her cheeks endlessly. She wiped them with the back of her hand and bit her lower lip to stop herself from making a sound. He gave her the smallest of smiles as he wiped the corner of his eye with his palm.
"A few months, almost a year later, I met someone at the airport. I was still miserable at that point. I had gotten back to my work, but the vigor was still not there. I felt like there is nobody back home who I could go to and discuss every new thing that I learnt. Mom was still trying her best to bring me back but it wasn't that easy. This girl, she worked in the airlines too. She was in the ground staff. She too was a new recruit. We attended a few workshops together, we got talking and we clicked. She was nice sweet and fun to talk to. She still had so much to learn about the airline and we would often sit for hours whenever free, and discuss about everything in detail. I made sure to clear all her doubts and answer all her questions. She was very passionate about it. She would always check out other airlines and what they were doing differently and made sure to pitch in as many new ideas as she could to the heads. She was recruited as the ground staff but she wanted to be in the flight service. She wanted to travel the world. She wanted to have it all. Since dad's passing was still fresh at that time, I wasn't very keen or passionate about my work. I was just doing it for the heck of it but she made me somewhat come back to it. she would ask so much, she wanted to learn so much that I had to tap in to that side again. My life at that point was a mess Sana. I would go back home from my flights, just lock myself up in the room and fall in that dark pit again. Most nights I would drink myself to sleep.
I was terrible. Since I was a very new pilot at that point, I didn't even have a lot of international flights. It was mostly all domestic. So I would do the flight, go back home, and lock myself up. With Avantika, things started changing. When we started talking, I would often stay back at the airport even after returning from my flight, just to spend more time with her. She was a good distraction at that point. I needed it. So I would make sure to spend as much time as I could with her. We didn't realize when we started growing closer. Going back home to that same dark pit would be haunting for me, so after meeting her I would spend all my time talking to her after going back home. Mom started feeling better seeing me, so did my sisters. They were relieved that I was coming back to life slowly. Avantika was so easy to talk to, no explanations, no deep discussions needed and so I felt like there was finally some place where I could escape to and not talk about how I felt about dad being gone. She was the best distraction. She was very charming. She had the whole crew wrapped around her finger. People listened to her ideas, they enjoyed her passion for her work. So naturally I too got attracted. There were so many people dying for her company but she would always end up sitting with me. She would tell me that I have so much more potential and that I could have it all if I focused and came back to my work.
We started going out. Lunches, dinners, drives. We did it all. I realized how the pit in my stomach about dad was slowly dissolving because of how distracted and happy and engaged I was with her. That pushed me to spend even more time with her. Mom was happy too because I stopped staying locked up in my room and my drinking too reduced. Before I knew, we were in love. Or at least that is what it felt like at that point. Everything with her was so smooth and simple that I felt like there was absolutely nothing to worry about around her. She even brought me back to my work. I was happy that dad would be happy too. I could so easily picture my life with her Sana because she made it all look so simple. Everybody at work knew about us. They told us how perfect we fit together. She was always so cool about it all. Around that time, I started getting international flights. She was so excited for me. She would always have so many questions every time I returned back from a flight. She would ask me about different countries, their airports, their airlines. She was always so inquisitive. I would happily indulge her, not having a clue what that would lead me to." He sighed, finally looking at Sana's face.
Her face had lost all its color and her eyes were still blank and clueless, and even scared. She looked like she was not ready for what was coming ahead. She sat there looking at him like a scared little girl, taking everything he said in. He however didn't want to hold anything back, absolutely nothing.
"As time passed by, we grew really really close. She became the best distraction and it felt more than perfect. That feeling which was love at that point, or at least felt like it, it was perfect. My mother was so happy, so were my friends. I started getting back to life. I started smiling more often. Our time together would fly by because of our detailed discussions about our profession. Her zeal for our work was so inspiring. It played a huge part in awakening that same lost passion inside me too. imagining my life with her was so easy. We were both like-minded people, she was so easy about everything, we were in the same profession, our love for our work was also similar, so it all made complete sense. It felt like the most natural thing ever. We were both sure of how we will always be together no matter what. It was pretty clear and obvious from both sides. There was nothing to question or re consider that." He breathed.
Sana sat there still like a statue but he could tell how shocked and affected she was by all of this. Her eyes told it all. They were filling up again and again and she kept wiping them away harshly with the back of her hands. She didn't utter a single word. He moved slightly closer to her for what he was about to say next. Her eyes were fixed on him so he slowly tucked the lone hair strand behind her ear and lightly, very lightly caressed her cheek with his finger while his eyes roamed her face. He wanted to comfort her and let her know that he was still there.
"It was nearing a year or maybe it had even been a year, I don't remember, since we had been together. Closer and stronger than ever before. Everything was perfect. Our careers too were blooming. We were the happiest. The pit in my stomach about dad, it was still there but much smaller now. Like I said, she was always so keen to find out about other countries, their airlines, she would often be in touch with people from other countries who worked in the airlines to find out more and more about their airlines. I always took that as her passion and zeal for her profession. I took pride in it. Everything was as smooth as it could get until we had a rough few weeks. I would mostly be out on international flights and when I would come back, she would be busy with her shifts at the airport. Her mood too had been really erratic since a few weeks but I ignored it thinking it was just work pressure getting to her. We were still fine, it is not like we were fighting 24/7 or anything but things seemed a bit off to me. She however made it all seem normal with her calmness and indifference to it.
I had a cousin's wedding to attend due to which I had to travel to Delhi for like four to five days with mom and my older sister. Luckily, I didn't even have a flight in those days so I could easily manage the wedding. What I didn't know was that the trip to Delhi would change everything." He breathed a little harshly.
Sana could hear her own heart beating at a maddening rate and she could actually feel fear rising up her chest. Fear of what exactly, she didn't know but seeing him suddenly get so restless, she knew she wasn't in for something pleasant. He ran his hand through his hair before continuing.
"Babeee, kahan hai tu?? I'm here at the airport. I'm back after almost a week and I don't see you here. Kahan hai?? I need to see you." Sidharth sent a voice mail on her number that was switched off. He walked towards the counter to meet their colleagues and he could tell by their faces, that something very wrong had gone down.
"Abeyy Nitin, kya hua tujhe? Aur maansi? Tum logo k boothe kyun aisay utre huay hain?? Kya khichai hui hai Sir se?" he chuckled. None of them responded and just greeted him back as plainly as they could, getting back to their work.
"Acha chomu log ye batao, where's Avantika? Aaj tou uski duty thin a? Phone bhi band araha hai pichle ek ghante se. Kya yaaar, she knew I'm coming today, where is she?" he asked them.
"Uhh Sidharth why don't you go wait inside or maybe meet Sir?? Abvantika ko tou aaj yahan hi aana tha, pata nahi kyun nahi aabhi tak." Mansi responded, not meeting his eyes. he knew she was hifing something but he let it pass.
"Yeah! I'll go check but pehle zara café jaa k chaye loonga yaar, I have a terrible headache. Chal, I'll see you guys around" he hi fived Nitin as he went from here furrowing his eyebrows. They were surely behaving strange. He again took his phone out to dial Avantika but it was still powered off. He walked towards the café and bought himself a cup of tea and a sandwich. It was their go to snack. He was sipping his tea and reading through the newspaper that was kept on the table when his phone rang. He immediately took it out thinking it must be her but it was unknown number. He frowned and answered it nonetheless.
To say that the ground beneath his feet slipped in the next few seconds of the call wouldn't be wrong. The world around him went completely numb and blank as his grip on the phone loosened. His eyes went blank as he cut the call and lifted himself up from the chair. His mind was blank, his thoughts, everything was numb. He didn't even know what he was doing as he threw the chair away and ran outside the airport towards his car.
*****
Sidharth was out of his freaking mind when he came to her apartment. He didn't bother ringing the bell and just used the spare keys he had to barge inside. It was empty. He ran frantically throughout the house screaming her name like a madman. His hair were disheveled due to the constant pulling, his eyes were bloodshot and his body was shaking uncontrollably due to the anger burning inside him. He was hysterical. He looked at the photo frame with their picture on the console and he picked it up and threw it away, the glass shattering everywhere. He dialed up a number and barked
"WHERE IS SHE?" he shouted.
"Uhhh Sidharth..bas abhi aa hi rahi hogi.. Yahan se tou"
He cut the call. And threw his phone away. He fell down on his knees, his tears flowing down uncontrollably burning his eyes. he didn't know for how long was he down there but he no longer felt his knees. He didn't feel a lot of other things too.
The door finally opened a while later while he still sat down there. The voice of her heels kept coming closer and closer but he didn't move.
"Sidharth" her voice finally broke the eerie silence in the hall.
The moment he heard her voice, it all came back and he saw red. He was uncontrollable as he stood up. He stood up turning around and there she stood. As calm as ever. His eyes widened with anger as he paced towards her. she finally cowered back a little and stepped back.
"Sidharth, listen tum na" she tried speaking up but he reached her before she could finish up.
"SHUT UP" his voice rang through the quiet house, scaring her.
He turned around and went to the table, his eyes blurring because of the tears in them as he picked the piece of paper up. The moment he grabbed the paper, he turned around and screamed at the top of his voice.
"WHAT DID YOU DO??? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?" he pointed the paper at her, his eyes were so red that it was hard to look at them and still stand normally.
"ANSWER ME" he shouted coming a step closer.
"YOU GOT A FUCKING ABORTION DONE??? WHY?" he shouted, his voice cracking in the end.
"I WILL NOT SPARE YOU" he screamed as he threw the paper away and walked towards her. She took a step back, visibly scared.
"Sidharth, just listen. See I have m reasons" she tried intervening but he was unstoppable. He came in front of her face, his eyes spitting fire and his jaw was so tightly clenched that he could have easily cracked it.
"REASONS??? YOU ABORTED MY FUCKING CHILD AVANTIKA? WHY?" he shouted in her face. His eyes filling up.
"I'm going to kill you with my own bare hands. I will not spare your life, just like you chose to take that life. I won't spare yours." He said in a dangerously low voice and held her chin in his fingers as tightly as he could.
"Aaaah Sidharth choro. Are you mad? Leave me right now" she tried pushing his hand away but his grip tightened and his hand went lower almost choking her neck.
"LEAVE MEEE" she tried pushing his hand away with all her strength.
"JUST ANSWER ME DAMMIT. WHY DID YOU DO IT. WHYYY?" he shouted, tightening his hold on her.
"COULDN'T YOU AT LEAST TELL ME ABOUT IT??? WHY AVANTKA, EVERYTHING WAS SO PERFECT. WHY DID YOU RUIN IT LIKE THIS???" his voice lowered, so did his guard and the pain in his eyes shone through.
"Because NOTHING WAS PERFECT SIDHARTH. YOU THOUGHT IT WAS, BUT FOR ME, IT WASN'T. I NEVER WANTED THIS LIFE. NOW LEAVE ME" she tried speaking through her choked voice. The moment she said that, his grip loosened on her neck and chin.
"Are you mad?? Issi liye kuch batana zaroori nahi samjha tumhe because I knew what your reaction would be. And honestly? This isn't what I wanted for myself so baat khatam. Tumhe batane na batane se kuch nahi hona tha. Tum ne tou apna wohi ghissa pita lovestruck reaction de kar meri zindagi tabah kar deni thi tou tumhe kyun kuch batati?" she spoke venomously, looking right in his eyes.
Sidharth stood there, shell shocked and numb. Just silently looking at her.
"Pehle hi ghalti kar di thi, jiska ye result doctor ne haath mai laa kar thama dia tha, uss ghalti ko sudhaarna hi tha mujhe. I couldn't have lived a life I never wanted. And honestly Sidharth?? Sorry to break it to you, but what perfect han? Kuch perfect nahi tha. You were a fool because you got carried away with me, alright? I never said that I am interested in you. Yes we talked, we spent a good time together, you really helped me gain more knowledge about my work and we got along well. You were the love struck fool to think that oh we are soulmates and so perfect together and there's absolutely no problem at all. I never said any of that bullshit. Yeah, I just didn't correct you when you felt that this was it. See, I'm not saying I hate you or something, you were a good company, became a good friend, and I did get attached but honestly Sidharth, my goals and aims and what I want from life, is really very different from all of this nonsense. You were so fucking sure of our life together that I didn't have the heart to correct you until I got what I wanted and beech mai ye ghalti mere sar pe agayi. So I had to act fast. I couldn't let this stupid blunder jeopardize my entire fucking life for me. Tumhe ye sab pehle issi liye nahi bataya kyunki tum ne aisay hi pagal hona tha. I had to first make sure I get what I want and then you would have anyways found out, one way or the other. But now that it's finally happening, I'm ready to talk about it.
Listen, I had applied to Air Canada for flight service about two months ago. That has always been my goal. It finally happened last week. I'm moving to Canada Sidharth. MY flight is in two days." She dropped the biggest bomb on him with such ease.
Sidharth felt like he had nothing in him left to be shocked anymore. He felt like the entire world stopped and he went complete numb. He could actually hear his heart beating and even his blood coursing through his veins. Shocked wouldn't even be a word. What? She was leaving? Moving? To Canada? She had an abortion done? She was never in love with him? This was too much to take. He felt like he would collapse.
"Sidharth? Say something. Look I'm really sorry if this is too sudden but you need to understand, my goal and priority had always been very clear. When you came along, I just didn't bother removing you from my life and kept taking you along because frankly it didn't make a difference to me. I knew what I wanted and I was sure to get it and when I would have, I would have explained you in my own way but your feelings, your love, all of that was too much to take. I didn't know what exactly to say to you so I would just let it be. I did get attached too, but that didn't mean my goals changed. You would always ay how easy and chill I am as a person and partner. Well, I was because honestly, it didn't make a difference. So I let it be for however long it would last but in the middle of that, this fuck up had to happen. So I'm sorry, but I had to deal with it in my way. So yes, I did get an abortion, because you, this love life, this child, or even this country isn't what I wanted for myself Sidharth. Mujhe zindagi se kuch aur chahiye tha aur bohat pehle se chahiye tha. I came here to get trained and to polish myself up before applying to Air Canada." She told him.
"You..You used me?? All this time? YOU FUCKING USED ME??? YOU BITCH" he shouted, coming back to his senses as it all hit him like a truck full of bricks. He came closer and was almost about to hit her when he remembered his dad, and his palm stopped right there in the middle. He kept staring at her with his bloodshot eyes and his jaw was on the verge of breaking with the grip he had on it. his palm curled up as he remembered his father and what he had always taught him.
"UUUUUGGHHH BITCH" he screamed as he curled his fist and threw the wooden table kept on the side instead. He ran his hand harshly through his hair and he again came closer but stopped.
"Sidharth, look I am genuinely sorry but see you were always such a good friend, you taught me so much, you helped me so much. I did grow close to you"
"AND THEN WHAT?? YOU USED ME?? YOU ARE A BITCH OF THE HIGHEST ORDER AVANTIKA KHANNA. YOU ARE A VILE WOMAN AND YOU ARE A FUCKING DISGRACE TO WOMANHOOD. YOU BITCH, I WOULD HAVE KILLED YOU RIGHT NOW ONLY IF I COULD. AAAAAGHHHHH" he screamed painfully as he banged his fist on the wall next to them, scaring her.
"You know what? I am actually so glad that I got to see your real face and I'm saved from a disgrace like you. Oh God I'm saved. What if I would have actually gotten you in my life, considering the love struck fool that I am??" he spoke spitting fire.
"Sidharth, look I'm sorry but, I mean what do I even say? I've known what I have wanted all my life. It's you who came along, I never asked you to. But I'm sorry" she responded back calmly.
He scoffed looking away and rubbed his hand on his face. He walked towards the door as she stood there silently. He couldn't believe this was happening. The moment he reached the door, he turned around and spoke before he stepped out
"I wish you hell Ms Avantika and I hope that you rot in hell" he slammed the door on his way out.
He got in his car, still numb to everything that had just gone down. When he lost his dad, he felt like everything ended and nothing else could prepare him for a bigger loss but this, it felt like the life he tried rebuilding crumbled back once again. This time harsher than before. He finally parked his car on a secluded street and that is when it all came crashing down.
"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH FUCKING HELL" he screamed as painfully as he could banging his fist on the steering as he let his tears fall down.
******
Sidharth lifted his red tear filled eyes to look at her. She sat there as still as a statue, her tears constantly flowing down her cheeks and her face devoid of any color. Her lips parted.
To say that Sana was shocked, would be an understatement of the highest order. Nothing, absolutely nothing could have prepared her for something like this. Nothing at all. He was going to have a child that was taken away from him without his knowledge? What? What? No fucking hell. Her heart had sank so deep down, that she almost felt like she was not breathing anymore. She was actually finding it hard to breathe. She felt light-headed and she just wanted to fall down somewhere and just run away from the kind of shock and pain she was currently feeling. She wasn't ready to deal with it. She wanted out. For the first time since knowing him, he scared her but in a very different way this time. She was scared for him and for what he went through. She couldn't sit here and process it knowing that he actually went through it and lived it.
He knew it was too much for her to take in but reliving all of those things again, after such a long time, it had brought the pain back. He hadn't thought of those memories ever since Sana came in his life, but today, sharing it all out with her, it somehow strangely made it a lot less painful. His eyes were red and filled up as he looked at her helplessly.
"I was going to have a child Sana. A child. I could have been a father. I wanted it so bad at that point. I was almost getting it. She took it away from me, without letting me know. She played me. She used me Sana. I was such a fucking fool. She took it all away from me in a second. I was just standing back up after dad. She took it all away Sana. She played me. That bitch played me" his voice shook and cracked in the end, as a tear fell down his eyes. Sana's heart stopped beating. She couldn't. it was too much pain. She just couldn't. Low gasps left her lips as her tears flowed endlessly.
"I was a mess after that Sana. An absolute mess. I fell in the pit deeper than before. I was on a mission to destroy my life and myself for being such a fucking fool. I didn't stop working. In fact, I worked harder than ever. I wanted to become everything my dad wanted me to and more. I made it my life's goal to surpass everyone and everything and show her what she missed out on. I made sure our airline flourished, I made sure, I flourished. I became the best possible pilot in the country Sana. Call it my anger, my childishness, but I had to prove and show her and the whole world what I was capable of. Well, she did do me good there. I did become one of the best commercial pilots in India. I got excellent offers from almost all the top notch airlines in India and tell you what, I even got an offer from Air Canada" he chuckled, scaring Sana.
"Airlines were after me. I was at the top of my game Sana. I put all my anger and rage in to my career and that really helped. But apart from that? I was a mess. I stayed locked up in my room for days and days. I made sure to drown myself in alcohol to an extent where my mind would go completely blank and numb to lessen the pain. But every time I thought of it, it still hurt Sana. It hurt like a fucking bitch" his voice quivered.
"Both the losses came back to me and greater than ever before. Dad's loss and this one. They both hit me like a boulder. I had absolutely nothing left in life to look forward to. Mom and my sisters were so scared seeing me. I was reckless, I was angry, I was a rage filled monster. I would keep mom up at nights while I would come back to the house drunk out of my wits. I would often get in to accidents because of the alcohol. I would have one night stands thinking that pointless sex would maybe help but nothing did. I still didn't care. I just wanted to numb the pain. It always fucking hurt. Once when mom had had enough, she sat me down and cried in front of me. That shook me Sana. I realized what I was doing. I got myself back together. I decided that I'll get so brutal, so heartless, so guarded that nobody can ever dare to even come close. I decided to build such big and string walls, that no one, can ever think of breaking them down. I got myself together from that day.
I started cutting down on the alcohol. I started coming back home straight from my flights. I would make it a point to sit and eat with mom to let her know that I was fine. The pain was still there but I learnt to numb myself to it. The pain wasn't for what I lost, it was of how easily and brutally I was played and all that I lost in the process. The pain was actually anger. For her, for myself and for life. I was just angry Sana. At everyone and everything. That anger was consuming me day by day and so I decided to build walls around myself and not let anyone enter. And I didn't Sana. For seven years. I had gotten so used to of this life, that I was finally at peace with it. I was happy that nobody could dare to break me ever again. I was happy knowing how much power I held over myself. And the anger too had numbed over the years. I had finally made peace with life. Or so I felt."
He breathed looking in to her blank, scared eyes. He wiped his face with his fingers as she stared at him. Her heart was in her mouth.
"Until you" he smiled softly.
Sana felt like her heart was caught in her throat for a second and she stopped breathing. Did he just say that? Or was she just imagining? She didn't know at this point.
"You came in to my life at a time and point where I was so peaceful and happy with what I had made of my life these past seven years. I wasn't looking for anything at this point Sana but you just barged in my life out of nowhere, completely unexpected and taking me by complete absolute surprise. You came in like this force that had to be reckoned. You were like this magnet that pulled me to itself right from the first time I met you in the supermarket. There was something about you. You know, the funniest part, I didn't even realize that I was being drawn to you until I came up and talked to you that day in the store. I just couldn't hold back Sana. It wasn't like I hadn't met girls during these seven years. Hell, I work with them. A lot of them tried. For things to happen, or something to happen. I was clear with what I didn't want from life anymore. I liked the feeling of having that power and control over my life until you came and completely took that away without me even realizing. You made me so powerless even on the very first day of seeing you. I wouldn't just go up and talk to a stranger like that Sana but with you? Like I said, I didn't even realize what was happening before I was standing there in front of you. Completely smitten. That night after coming back home, something very strange happened Sana. That night was the first night in those seven years, where before going to sleep, I didn't think of what had happened in the past.
I thought of your face. The innocence on it. The way I was drawn to you and right before closing my eyes, I didn't even know why, but I just hoped to see you again, somewhere. It was almost impossible. You were just a random girl I spotted at a supermarket and that was that but like I said, you rendered me powerless right from the beginning. You came like a gush of wind, and overtook my entire life like a storm. A storm I wasn't prepared for. The first time seeing you in that store under the pile of tissue boxes, I saw a young girl who I just felt like I needed to protect. You don't know Sana but you arose such strong desires inside me right from the minute I laid my eyes on you. You were so innocent, so unbothered with where you were or who was looking at you, or what was happening and then when you looked at me, it felt like someone punched me right in the gut. Your eyes, they felt like they were asking me for something, and I was ready to give whatever it was. So fucking ready. You awoke such strong desires of protectiveness, of care, of desire inside of me Sana that after a point, I couldn't even take charge of my own emotions. And it was exactly the opposite of what I had wanted for myself and yet, I happily and willingly wanted to give it all to you." He softly smiled looking at her shocked face.
Sana's eyes were constantly gushing but her face, it had one of the most surprised yet one of the most soothing expressions ever. Her mouth was still slightly open and her eyes were stuck to him, as if absorbing every single word in to her soul.
"You know the funniest thing? When I was with Avantika, I felt everything was so smooth so easy with her and that was proof of how it was just meant to be. Since she made it all seem so simple and easy. I felt like this was the happiest I had ever been in all my past relationships or the kind of security and ease she brought to the relationship, it was by far the best possible thing I could have ever asked for. When you came along, nothing ever seemed easy with you Sana. Every second I was living in fear of losing you, or something going wrong, and yet it still gave me the kind of peace that I don't think I can ever find the words to explain or put in. I had decided to never ever let another person have that power over me where my happiness, my peace would depend on them but with you? The smallest of things Sana, like every time I hold your hand, or every time the way you smiled after I gave you a kiss on your forehead, or every time the way you smile when I praise your food, every time I make you understand something and the relief that shines through your eyes, all these little things started giving me inexplicable peace and happiness Sana. Doing the smallest of things with and for you, started making all the difference for me. I have never ever done such things for anybody who I've ever been with not even Avantika. Uske sath kabhi iss sab ki zaroorat bhi nahi pari since she was already so cool with everything but doing these little things for and with you, taking care of you, it fulfills my soul Sana. I never knew I was capable of feeling something like this. You know, before meeting you, for seven fucking years despite being over it, despite getting rid of the pain mostly, I still felt it inside me every single day Sana and I would so desperately hope and want to somehow get rid of the pain. The day I met you and every single day since then, that pain meant nothing. Everything that I felt and went through with you, it started meaning everything. Earlier I would think that I will give any and everything away to just get rid of the pain, the anger and everything that I went through seven years ago but Sana, you know what? The day and the moment I realized how you've absolutely taken over my soul, I realized that I was ready to go through that pain I went through seven years ago and even after that over and over and over again if that meant I would get to meet you every single time" he breathed looking at her in a way that absolutely overtook her entirely.
Sana's mouth was still slightly open and she couldn't even bother to acknowledge it. Her eyes were filling up with fresh tears over and over again. It was just her eyes that seemed to emote everything her mind, heart and body was unable to. She was lost.
"You came and you made me question everything Sana. You pulled at everything that I was trying to build these seven years. You came and before I even realized, you broke through every single wall that I had built over the years. The pain, the fear of not having to see you, or have you around, it was immeasurable right from the beginning and yet, I was ready to go through it all if it meant to have that relief and smile on your face and that light in your eyes when you look at me. Everything that I feared, I found myself doing it all for you willingly and happily. It may sound crazy and creepy but there has been this incessant need to protect and nurture you inside of me right since I saw you. The way my father held my hand through everything, I wanted to hold yours. I don't know what it may sound like, but what I mean is that this is the thing. You awaken such intense desires inside of me in every way Sana, that it's really hard to name it all as one. It is everything all at once. I want to nurture you, safeguard you, keep you protected, take care of you like you are my little baby, hold your hand through life, let you fall down and then pick you up stronger, let you learn, grow, explore and also make insane love to you. The desire, the need that I feel course through my veins when I just look at you, it's something so powerful that it takes over my entire soul. Every single thing you make me feel unarms me. Your innocence overthrew me the day I met you Sana. You know when I saw you faint and fall down at that Pandal, I felt like my heart stopped beating and like it beat for the first time ever, both at once.
I had to bring you home, there was no other way about it. I just had to take care of you, I didn't know why, but I just had to. The moment you opened up your eyes and looked at me, the way you listened to me and let me take over, the trust that you showed, it blew me away Sana. That need that desire, that want which I had seen the first time in the store, it was back. Much stronger this time. Every single time you looked at me carefully, or listened to me so intently, putting all your trust and faith in me like I was everything you had ever needed from life, it shook my entire existence Sana. When I say you're my magic, I mean it with everything in me. You did come out of nowhere in my normal dull life. A life that I had kind of given up on and was just living through because I had to, you came and brought your magic along with you. You made me feel things, want things, need things, that I never knew I could want any more. In fact I don't even remember feeling or wanting them back then, this intensely Sana. You're so simple, so ordinary, so normal yet you're the most magical girl that I've ever seen. You came in to my life like a light and with a sparkle that literally filled my dark life with light, with hope, and with desires that I had left and let go off long long ago. I want to fight for and with you every single day Sana because of you. You make it all worth it. You drive me completely insane with anger, frustration, rage. You test my patience to no end, you make me want to pull my hair out of my head, yet I would take it all happily as long as I have you. You don't even realize what all you do for me and to me. I'm still trying to figure out a way to put it all in words but there are none that can ever come close to explaining all that you make me feel Sana.
You fill my heart and soul with so much peace and happiness Sana. You're like my personal little ball and ray of hope and sunshine. You light up every single corner of my soul. You light up every day that I'm with you. You make it all so much better. Your smiles, your giggles, the light in your beautiful eyes, the beauty and purity of your heart, the innocence of your soul, your childlike nature, your curious eyes, they all do inexplicable things to and for me. I can happily and willingly take every ounce of pain that I've gone through in the past if I get to have you at the end of it. Nothing, absolutely nothing can ever come close to what I feel for you Sana, what you do to me. Nothing in the past can ever come close to this. I feel I had to go through all of that first, to understand and see how different, how magical this is and what it truly feels to be happy.
You are my light Sana. You are my hope. You make me feel alive in ways I can never explain. You are everything this world lacks. You are my own little world. You are my little baby.
"I love you Sana"
"I love you more than anything that I've ever felt in my entire life, and more than it's possible for me to contain. The intensity of what I feel for you threatens to consume me yet I want nothing more. You are everything that I didn't know I needed. You are everything Sana" he spoke with such power that it blew her mind away.
"Sidhaaaaaarthh" she almost screamed, her tears relentlessly flowing down.
Her mouth agape and her eyes constantly filling up with fresh tears. It was too much. She felt like her heart and soul were set on fire by him and the intensity of it all was drowning her. she felt like she couldn't take it anymore and she'll collapse. She hadn't known happiness like this existed. It wasn't even happiness, it was something beyond her. Everything that she was holding inside since the past hour, everything that was overtaking her, it all came down crashing and she just didn't know how to take it. So that scream held everything she was bottling up inside since the past hour. She honestly didn't know what else to say or how else to react.
"It's true Sana. I mean it, you are the.."
He couldn't complete what he was saying since she jumped on him pressing her lips on his, taking him by surprise. His eyes fell close with the way she pounced on him and swallowed his words with the intensity of her lips on his. His hand automatically grabbed her by the waist so that she doesn't lose balance with the way she was standing on her knees but Sana didn't care about anything else in the world. She kissed him with everything she had in her and everything that was consuming her. She grabbed his face in both her hands and poured her entire self in the kiss. She was sucking his lips with such a strong passion and need that it overthrew him completely. It was like she couldn't find a way to express it all out to him so she was desperately sucking his lips as her tears were flowing and going in to their mouths but neither of them seemed to care. It was like a fire that was consuming her. He sensed it and he took charge.
He started kissing her back as softly and calmly as he could, sucking and nibbling softly at her lips with all the care and tenderness he could gather. Her cries were trying to break them apart but he kept holding on and kept kissing her till she calmed down a little bit. He slowly parted away when he felt like she really needed to breathe. Their salivas and her tears connected at both their lips and he softly wiped her lips clean with his palm as soon as they parted away and gave her the softest smiles as she still looked at him like a lost little girl, too overtaken by emotions.
She instantly cupped his face back and pressed her nose to his with this eagerness overtaking her.
"Heyy heyy, Relax. I'm here" he softly whispered tucking her hair back and looking at her with such serenity and love that it seemed to instantly out her soul at rest and ease.
"Sii..Sidhaarth.. Sidharth,..aap..merese.. Sidharth" she cried again pressing her hands harder on his face. He smiled.
"Aap mujhse..pyaar karte ho" she cried, not asking him but rather reiterating it to herself.
"Haan Baby, haan" he smiled wider, looking in to her wet and red eyes.
"Aap phir se kaho na" her lips quivered.
"I love you baby. I love you more than any and everything in this entire world." He smiled looking right in to her eyes. She sobbed louder, smiling or trying to, through her tears and quivering lips.
"Sidhaaarth" she instantly hugged herself to him, wrapping her hands tightly around his neck and digging her face in his shoulder. He hugged her back.
"Idhar aah mera baby. Tu chota sa pyara sa bacha hai mera. Mera sab kuch hai" he rubbed her back and turned his face to press a kiss to the side of her head.
"Mai pagal ho rahi hoon. Sidharth. Mai kya kahun. Mujhe kuch ho raha hai. Aap mere ho, Sidhaaarthh" she hugged him harder, pressing never ending kisses on his shoulder and then sobbing some more and then laughing through her tears. He laughed seeing her so out of control and rubbed her back harder.
"Mera baby" he whispered.