Thikaana

Chapter Seven

Sidharth entered back home & threw the keys and his wallet on the table in the lounge. He was extremely frustrated with this entire situation. He drove back home lost in deep thoughts. His mind was constantly playing the entire evening like a reel especially the last bit of the night, where she had come forward and opened up like that in front of him and had let him know of how grateful she was for him being around. He hadn't expected that. In fact, he hadn't expected any of the things that had happened that evening. She inviting him over, cooking a meal for him, and then for letting him know of how she was beginning to trust him and to open up to him. It had all been too much for him to take. Right when he was wanting to distance himself. The agitation was however for a different reason. It was driving him insane that he had to say that to her in the end. The way her face fell, was eating him up. He would never say that, he didn't want to but he had no other choice. The moment she mentioned of how her people were back in Punjab, it struck him of how he was still a nobody and a stranger to her. He was just someone who she had found in a few unpleasant situations & who had been there to help her, that was it. She was clinging to the comfort of knowing at least someone in this city, but beyond that? It couldn't go anywhere. She was after all someone else's and her saying all of this had suddenly jolted him of how this was to not lead anywhere. He had to protect himself. He was already drawn to her, without her being aware of it. She just took him as a kind stranger who was there in her hour of need & who she was grateful for, but he? He knew he was instinctively drawn to her right from the first time. He couldn't do that to himself. What scared him insanely was the sudden urge that had erupted inside of him to kiss her senseless the moment she had come up to him & poured her heart out in front of him. It was that what made him jolt back to reality, to the realization of what was, and of what couldn't be. He had decided that he had to pull back, he didn't want to hurt her in any way, but at this point he was safeguarding his interest more than hers because she still wasn't there, but he was. Also, he had known better than to get himself in to something that was to lead him to destruction, yet again. So he had decided that it was the right moment to pull back & let her be. It was what was best for him & her too. He sighed, rubbing his fingers harshly on his chin and his face. He was so frustrated & angry. He was angry at himself & at the whole situation but it was for the best he thought.
He had showered & was in bed since the past hour but was unable to fall asleep. He was lying on his back with one hand under his head and one kept on his stomach. He was staring at the ceiling and his leg vigorously shaking. He just couldn't get her out of his mind and it was beyond frustrating to him. He wanted to pick something up & smash it against the wall.
****
It had been five days since they had last met at her place. They hadn't been in contact since then. There were however multiple moments where he just wanted to pick up his phone & speak to her. Just ensure she was doing fine, and that how he didn't mean what he had said but he had stopped every time realizing that it would only complicate things. He had told himself that there was no other way around this & the sooner he stepped back, the better it would be. He was already leaving for a week long flight to Canada and wouldn't be here for the next few days. He was relieved on going away.
Sana had been doing fine. She would often think of how he had been there for her & then left suddenly when she was just beginning to trust him. It did make her sad. She was drawn to the way he would make her understand things, that protectiveness in his tone & the concern mixed with that authority, it had done something to her. She realized she was craving that care & concern. She however knew that she couldn't be a burden for him. He had a life of his own & didn't owe her anything. Her routine was pretty much the same. She would be in office till later in the evening & would then come back home, just watch something fun, talk to her family & Akshay occasionally & just hit the bed. In moments between all of this, she would think of him and how he truly was a stranger who had been there coincidentally to help her out & was now gone back to his own life. She realized how she couldn't keep living like this, she had to step outside, go around in the city, find her way around. She couldn't keep living here confined to just her office and apartment. She too wanted to explore the city, but she had no urge to do so. It would just overwhelm her.
Sana had been beginning to sleep really late at night since a few nights. She would stay up till late watching something or the other & then would wake up late for office in the morning. So since a few days, her mornings were extremely hasty as she would rush to reach on time. Today was one such morning. She had again woken up late after turning her alarm off & had overslept for another hour. She was really late today. So when she was leaving, her door lock was stuck and she was really struggling with it, she kept pulling it and it was probably jammed. She kept applying s lot of force as she was super late. Before she could make sense of it, the door lock pulled apart and the hinge fell on the ground opening the door. She gasped. "Siyaapa khana, ye bhi abhi tootna tha". She muttered angrily, bending down to pick up the lock. She examined it. it was broken & she had absolutely no time to get it fixed. She just had to close the door, let the guard downstairs know & leave for work. She had decided to sort this later.
Sana was back home in the evening, sitting and trying to sort the lock thing. She was clueless as to what she was to do. She had no idea about how she had to get it fixed, she didn't even know about these things, she had never done these things on her own, and now here in a city about which she knew nothing, how was she to get this sorted. She was thinking when it suddenly hit her. She picked up her phone to dial his number when she suddenly remembered, she sighed putting the phone down. She was not going to go to him with one of her problems yet again. This is exactly what he was talking about. She couldn't just dial his number on every little inconvenience. She had to do this on her own. She had come here all alone to live her dreams, so just because she knew someone here, she was falling weak. She was much stronger. She could do everything on her own, she was just trying to cling to him for comfort because he was someone who had shown her that comfort & care. But she had decided that she would no longer bother him. She'll use Google & look for reliable stores where she could get her door lock fixed & also buy a decent electronic door bell. She had been needing that since a few days now. She decided this could also be her chance to move around the city & explore it.
Sana had looked up some stores & shops which could help her out with the things she needed but all those shops were quite far away from her own place but since she was new here, she had no knowledge and so she decided to go ahead with the very first few choices that had come up on the internet. It was already quite late now but she decided to go ahead and get done with this. She didn't want to prolong it further since it was quite a pressing thing plus the next day she would again be gone for the whole day so it was better to get it done with.
Sana was on her way to Dahisar. That is where the most stores had shown up having door locks, bells and all such items. It was around 9:30 at night and after getting off from the cab at a distance, she had to walk for a few miles till she could reach the shops. She was already feeling a bit uneasy considering it was quite late at night, and the area seemed to be pretty secluded and dark. There weren't many people or hustle bustle around. She had her head towards the ground and was walking briskly. She just wanted to reach & get done with it as soon as possible. She spotted two weird looking men on the side of the road and as she was approaching them, they started staring at her direction & started whistling. Sana could tell they were some druggies, with poor hygiene & disheveled state. They did not seem to be in the right state. She was really uneasy but she had to pass by them to go ahead. She increased the pace of her steps & just kept walking looking down. After a minute she felt those two men had started following her and she could hear them faintly humming. She was really panicking at this point, since she was all alone, plus it was pretty late at night & she didn't even know anything about the place she was in or where she had to go from here. "Babaji please mehr kardiyo, bas menu araam naal aitho le jao" she kept mumbling and the speed of her steps kept increasing. She wanted to put a good distance between them & herself so she was at this point almost running. She looked around and there weren't a lot of people who she could call for help and the area she had to go to was still after a walk of 5-6 minutes.
"Arreeyy itna kya taiz bhaag rahi hai, hawaaai jahaaz hai kya" she heard one of them slurring behind. She decided to not respond or react since they weren't even in the right state of mind. She just kept walking. At one point sana felt one of them to be really matching up to her steps & the moment she looked towards her left, she saw that one of the guys was extremely close to her. She looked at him & he had a disgusting grin plastered on his face & she could tell he was totally wasted. Sana turned her face ahead & was about to run when he grabbed her fore arm harshly halting her. "areyyyy chamiya kahan bhaag rahi hai aisay akele, hum bhi tou aa rahay hain" Sana used all her forced in yanking his hand away & pushed him harshly making him stumble back. "Abey kutte ki shakal, door raho warna wo haal karungi k kisi ko yahan naali mai milo ge" she screamed. Her insides were crippling with panic but she had to hold her ground in front of them, she couldn't let them know she was scared. The men stared at her blankly. She started running when the other one came after her saying "Thore paise tou deti jaa, phir jaa jahan jana haiii". Realizing they were addicts who just wanted money for their drugs, she quickly opened her bag struggling with the zip. Her hands were shaking badly. She didn't stop though. She kept walking as fast as she could and just grabbed a handful of whatever change there was in her bag, turned around and threw it at their faces "Ye lo, maro jaa k ab". They quickly went after the money like literal dogs. Sana ran from there as fast as she could, she wasn't thinking anything. She kept running and after a few seconds she spotted an Uber. She ran towards it & stopped it. She sat in the uber after telling the driver to go back to her house. She made sure all the windows were up & doors locked. She kept turning back to check if they were following her. The moment the car left the area, she closed her eyes & leaned her head back on the seat. Her heartbeat was erratic, she was gasping for air & tears were constantly running down her cheeks. She kept rubbing her hand over her chest to calm her heart down but she was shaken. She was new in the city, she had absolutely no bloody clue of the locations, or the routes or the places that are safe to go to & the ones that aren't. She felt so scared & alone. She just wanted to go & hide herself in his arms. Her mind was constantly calling for him. She was yearning for the safety he radiated. After a few minutes, she took her phone out & frantically searched for his number. The number was unreachable. She kept trying again & again but it was the same. She wanted to scream & break her phone when she remembered that he wasn't here. He had told her when he had come over to her place that he would be gone for a week. "Fuck fuck fuck." She muttered keeping the phone back. She just closed her eyes.
The moment she entered back her apartment, she locked the door from the top and ran inside. She went in her room and tried absorbing what had just happened. She was crying uncontrollably remembering their dirty stares & voices. She took a pillow and muffled her face with it. she lied down on the bed hugging the pillow as tight as she could. She felt so scared, so alone. She really needed to be hugged protectively by someone, and surprisingly, there was only one person who she could think of, who she wanted to be with. "Babji aap mehr karo. Haaye aaj kya ho jata. Gande log" she kept mumbling in the pillow as tears kept falling down her eyes.
Sana couldn't sleep the entire night, she kept waking up with a jolt every time, thinking someone was trying to grab her. She kept her face hidden in the pillow throughout the night. She skipped work the next morning. She just wanted to be locked up in her house & not step outside at any cost. She had been used to of staying away from her family. So it was not like she was a weak girl who couldn't take care of herself, she could. In fact that is what she had always done but this time it was Mumbai. It was a huge huge city about which she had no knowledge & so it intimidated her. Sana tried his number later in the day but it was still unreachable. She sighed throwing the phone away & dozed off again.
****
Sidharth had a late morning. He had just returned back last night & he was still jet-lagged & groggy. He was showered & in his shorts, making his tea when the doorbell rang. He turned around to go check. The bell had taken him a bit off-guard, he was feeling a bit muddled & was not in the mood to interact with anyone right now. It could probably be his mother since she knew he was returning last night. He walked towards the door rubbing his left eye with the back of his fingers. What he wasn't expecting was the sight across the door. There she stood looking at him like a lost puppy. Her eyes had bags under them & she seemed paler. He noticed how she was in a lose sweatshirt & pajamas. Was she okay? And why was she here?
"Sana"? he said hesitantly. He could see her bottom lip was jutting out & her lips were quivering. She was just standing there staring at him with her eyes filling up. He took a short unsure step towards her. He was not understanding any of this but he could tell, she was not okay.
"Sana? Sana are y..." he was midway when she suddenly dropped her bag on the floor & pounced into his arms. His arms were hanging on the sides & he wasn't expecting that. So when she came to him with so much force, he literally stumbled back. She wrapped her arms tightly around his chest and hid herself in his chest. Her grip was so sudden & so tight that he was surely taken aback. He stood there with his arms hanging on the sides when the intensity just hit him & made him realize that something was very very wrong. He looked down at her, and her face was practically hidden in his huge chest and her arms were tightening around his chest by the minute. She was scared. He slowly lifted his arms and wrapped them around her small form. He wrapped his arms around her pushing her more into him, if that's what she needed. Feeling his arms, she snuggled more into him and her tears were constantly wetting his shirt. He was very worried. She seemed to be in a trance, not even aware of what she was doing. He wanted to ask her what was wrong but he was giving her a moment. When he saw she wasn't moving out, he bent his head and slowly tried pulling her out. "Sana? Sana kya hua hai, please talk to me. You're scaring me." Her face was buried in his chest & eyes were tightly shut just trying to squeeze herself in him and gather the protectiveness he gave her. The moment she heard his voice, her trance broke. Her eyes snapped open & her arms left his chest. She took her face out & moved back, looking at him with her red, puffy eyes, with tears constantly running down.
"Sidharth..aap nahi they...aap chale gaye..aap nahi they wahan" she said between sobs. "Aap kyun nahi they..kyun chale gaye aap Sidharth?" she spoke between her heart breaking sobs. Sidharth stood there blank. She covered her mouth with her palms trying to suppress her sobs, resulting in hiccups. Sidharth was losing his mind. In the few times that he had met & known her, she wasn't like this. In fact, she would be so hesitant around him, that it had started to irritate him. Something had to go really wrong to make her react this way.
"Okay..relax relax..You're okay" he said softly while moving towards her and he lifted his hands just slightly and extended them towards her. "Come, come here you're fine. Come" he grabbed her head lightly and put it on his chest softly patting her head. They stood like that for a good one minute where he constantly kept patting her head & kept uttering soft assurances. He noticed how her breathing was normalizing. She slowly moved away and wiped her face.
"Sidharth...I.. I'm sorr.." she didn't know what to say.
"Relax, chalo. Come inside" he bent forward picking up her bag & took hold of her fore arm and brought her inside. He guided her towards the sofa in the lounge & went ahead in the kitchen to get a glass of water. His mind was numb right now. he was already jet-lagged & now his brain had completely shut down. He couldn't process the last few minutes & his worry was eating him alive. He went and saw her sitting there visibly relaxed and much calmer. However, she still seemed scared. He extended the glass to her & she gratefully took it. Her throat was parched. He saw her holding the glass like a scared kitten & sighed. He sat next to her & silently observed her movements. Despite his panic, he was giving her time to open up herself but she could feel that he was getting agitated by the minute. She kept the glass on the table and put her hands in her lap and started staring at them.
"Sana? Will you please talk now. My patience is running out. Please mujhe batao kya hua hai. Why did you come here like this, kya hua hai? Bolo please" he said looking at her. Sana looked up in to his eyes & just kept staring while her eyes brimmed again. He sighed & held her hands in his rubbing them softly. "Batao mujhe" he said as softly as he could. Him holding her hands comforted her & she started speaking. She started off with how she had been sleeping late & was getting late every morning ending up breaking the door latch. He was listening each word intently, not breaking eye contact once. She was still speaking in a low voice. "So I..I decided to go find some good locks & also an electronic bell for my apartment" she continued. He nodded wanting her to go on. His mind was running all kinds of scenarios meanwhile. She eventually got to the part that she was dreading the most. "Auu..ur aur..mujhe ..mer peeche anay lagay wo..aur" her voice started breaking. He lost his mind. He instantly removed his hands from hers making her stop & look at him.
"What the Fuck Sana! Are you, are you fucking out of your mind?" his voice rose quite a notch & he stood up. "Wo jaga, that fucking place is not safe at night, especially for girls. It's a known fact. It's a fucking hub for these junkies & you.. you went there? All alone? Pagal ho kya? Dimagh kya Punjab chor k aayi ho?" he shouted making her flinch. He started rubbing his forehead with his fingers. He was losing it. "Tum ne sochna gawaara nahi kia kya? Bas mu uthaya aur chali gayi akeli, kon ho tum? Jhansi ki Rani ho kya, han?" he was going on & on.
"Kahan jaati?Kisey poochti? Kisey help maangti?Yahan kisi ko nahi jaanti mai samjhe aap?..koi nahi hai yahan mera..sirf ek ko janti thi..Apko, aur phone uthaya bhi sahi tha aap se help maangne..but phir yaad agaya..k ..k aap ne kya bola tha last time" her voice had risen equally at him, but it was breaking at the end. Her eyes were burning with the hot tears filling them up.
"Yaad agaya k Har choti cheez k liye apko tang nahi kar sakti..aap har time available nahi raho ge aisay to attend to me" she said throwing his words back at him, her voice cracking incredibly.
Sidharth stood there frozen. His anger had shut his mind but her words? They jolted him to reality. To the reality where he had specifically told her that he wouldn't be there at her disposal for every little thing and that she had to find her way around. Fucking hell. She was right. Hadn't he warned her to stay away & not to reach out for every small inconvenience that she had? But fuck, what if..what if something. He shut his thoughts. He breathed and ran a hand in his hair harshly trying to calm himself down. She sat there with an angry pout and tears tainting her face. The entire thing was making her eyes fill up again. The trauma of living through it again after narrating it to him & then him not being there and now shouting at her like that. She was angry at his audacity. She didn't want to cry in front of him so she quietened her sobs and covered her face in  her hands crying silently in to them. Sidharth calmed down a bit & it dawned upon him how he had just shouted on her when it wasn't even her fault. He sighed loudly before gaining composure. He moved towards her and spoke very softly "Sana, I..I'm"
"Nahi. Bas chup raho ab. Kuch mat bolo" she snapped at him cutting him off and started rubbing her face harshly. He could see she was suppressing her sobs. He held her hand and pulled her up. He looked in to her eyes wiping her face clean and setting her hair behind her ears. He then cupped her face in both his hands & spoke looking in to her eyes "Sana, I'm so so sorry sweetheart. I shouldn't have shouted like that. I have no right to. You weren't wrong, I was. I didn't mean it like that, trust me. I would never willingly put you in danger. It was my fault, not yours. I'm so sorry I said that, but I can never imagine you being in trouble. Abhi listening to the entire thing, I just lost my mind. I couldn't move beyond that. Thinking of how you were in such grave danger & how you escaped, it fucked my mind and so I reacted like that. It was wrong of me to do so but you're safe now. you're here, and you're okay, hmm?" he placed a very soft kiss at the top of her head.
She looked at him registering his words & knowing them already. She slowly nodded at him & hugged him once again "I know" she whispered in his chest, closing her eyes & relaxing. He hugged her back & sighed. The entire scenario and what could have happened was running like a reel in his mind & his words from the dinner were ringing in his head. He wanted to smash his head against the wall for saying that to her. The guilt was eating him up. He sighed loudly. Sana slowly removed her hands from his chest & moved back. He did too.
"Are you okay now?" he asked, still visibly stressed. She nodded at him and gave a small smile.
"Come, sit. I'll make you some tea & something to eat. Baitho" he pulled her making her sit on the sofa and moved towards the kitchen.
"Sidharth?" her voice stopped him. He turned around raising her eyebrows at her. She again seemed, hesitant. He moved back towards her & she too stood up walking towards him playing with her fingers.
"Kya hua sana? What is it?" he asked.
"Wo, can I..can I stay here tonight? I'll just sleep here on the sofa, I know what you said earlier & I completely understand it, par wahan I'm feeling a bit unsafe. Mujhe darr lag raha hai so bas aa.."
"Hey hey hey. Relax. I wasn't planning to let you go anyways." He cut her in between. She looked at him surprised and relieved. He gave her a warm smile.
"You're here, and you're safe. Bhool jao what I said that day. You're okay, theek hai?" he said tucking her hair behind her ear. She smiled at him, nodding. "Now sit araamse, mai araha hoon"
She fell back on the sofa and closed her eyes, leaning her head back. She felt like she could finally breathe again.