Thikaana

Chapter Fifteen

It had already been three days since Sidharth had left from her place that night and had gone for his international flight. Sana had seen the distance & uncertainty in his eyes when he left and that had scared her to an extent she hadn't imagined. The thought of him just..leaving? Giving up? Going? It scared her senseless. Although, she didn't even know what he could give up on where there was nothing established between them at that point but still, whatever it was. Since the day she landed here in Mumbai to start a new phase of her life, he was there in her life right from that moment, so Mumbai & this life meant Sidharth. She couldn't be there knowing that he wasn't there with her, to take care of her, to hold her the way he did, but what for? What was he to her to make him look out for her constantly, he was no one other than a stranger. Did he however feel like one? Never. In fact, strangely so, nobody had ever felt as her own person as much as he felt. So yes, whatever it was, but she couldn't imagine him not being with her but she also knew deep inside, how attracted she was to him, with everything he did, he was beginning to melt & own her heart in a way no one had. The helplessness she felt, couldn't be put in words, her mind felt as if it would explode of everything going in it. she just wanted to run away from everything & go hide in a corner, she felt like screaming her heart out & pulling her hair out due to the angst & frustration she felt. When Sidharth left that night, she was scared but something in her heart told her to not lose hope. She didn't want to believe that he would just go away like that. Yes, she was scared, she didn't want to lose out but even if he decides to not keep in touch after he returns, can she really stop him? so she spent her three days, going to work, being constantly in a low glum mood, sunken eyes, she didn't talk much, she just wanted to work & keep her mind off thoughts that were beginning to eat her up. She would come back home, get in her pajamas & just lay in bed thinking of how it would feel to be living here but not being him there & then she would silently cry herself to sleep.
It had been a day since he had returned back and nothing, he didn't text or call her, neither did he visit. Sana cried and cried that day after returning from work as suddenly the reality of him actually not reaching out, or wanting to be in touch felt real. It scared her, & it made her want to go to him & just hide herself in his arms. Sidharth had returned a day ago, early in the morning but it was the next day's evening now & no contact. So that's why when she returned from work she picked up her phone several times to call him but the fear of him not picking up or maybe refusing to meet, stopped her from calling him.
Sidharth had returned back a day ago & he couldn't deny the fact that it was only her who occupied all his thoughts & his mind during the entirety of his trip. He couldn't think of anything else, but he couldn't fall weak now. it would only lead him to destruction, yet again. The day he landed back, seeing his phone empty, did pinch him but he was happy. He spent the day with his mother & when she sensed the dullness in his mood, she knew, after all, she was a mother. He finally did open his heart to her.
"Mom, I don't know yaar, she ..she affects me like no other. Maybe it's too soon to say that, lekin ye sach hai. Wo mujhe bohat zada affect karne lag gayi hai mom & it's not healthy. She's in an unhappy relationship, she dosen't even love the guy" he scoffed.
"Really? Tou phir why dosen't she end it bacha, she has a whole life ahead of her abhi. Bechari bachi aisay zabardasti ka rishta kese nibhaye gi" his mom asked, worried.
"Exactly. I've tried talking to her mom, mene usey har tarah se samjhaya hai but apparently she's committed it to her father & now she can't break it. I don't know mom, I can see she wants out from it par yet she says she can't do anything about it, & honestly that really fucks with my mind" he said rubbing his forehead, exhausted.
"Sidharth, language. Beta dekh I'm sure k uski koi majoboori hi hogi na, warna if she isn't happy she wouldn't have gotten into it in the first place only na" she spoke. She could see her son was already too involved in it & how it had started to get to him.
"Sidharth, bacha are you.. do you like her?" she asked him softly, rubbing his back lovingly.
"Uhh.. pata nahi mom, I mean of course, I do like her. A lot. I do care for her, se really affects me. And I , I just want to be there for her, take care of her. I am attracted to her, yes." He spoke softly, unsure of his own feelings.
"Do you think, she does too?" his mother asked him. he looked at his mother and sighed. He ran his fingers through his hair.
"Pata nahi Mom. I don't understand her. Initially she was very closed off in front of me, then she eventually started trusting me & I mean I do know she trusts me blindly & finds comfort and security in me. Lekin pata nahi, maybe it's just the factor of comfort for her. She doesn't know anyone here, and she knows she has me and that is comforting for her." He said. His mother smiled at her beautiful son, he was already so affected & her indifference was already bothering him.
"Sidharth meri jaan, see the things you just mentioned, aren't they validation enough that she too likes you in some way? Aap security ussi mai dhoondhte ho jo apko apna lata hai, haina? Par bacha wo bohat choti hai abi, she's young & she's naïve. She's alone here so give her time. Let her figure out things on her own & see what she wants for herself. Let her make that call for herself no bacha? Aur Sidharth, mai tujhe ek baar phir affect hotay aur apne apko torte nahi dekh sakti, so I will just say, k take it slow. Give time some time, hmm mere bachay?" she said slowly patting his head lovingly. He looked at his mother & sighed, nodding. She was right. He needed to give it all time. He laid down in her lap closing his eyes while she bent and placed a soft kiss on his forehead.
****
Sana had decided to not wait any more. She had decided that the next day after work, she'll go straight to his house & just speak to him. she had had enough of him not talking or getting back to her. It had been 5 days now & this distance was beginning to eat her. She earlier thought of texting or calling him to let him know but then she decided against it. wat if he made some excuse, or out rightly refused to see her? She wouldn't be able to take that. So she decided to directly go to his place after work & see for herself. If he isn't at home, then maybe she can call him up and check but before that, she wouldn't. the next day was pretty slow for Sidharth, as he had already returned back pretty late from his mother's place last night & was lost in the discussion they had. He too was extremely restless for her. He wanted to check up on her so may times but had to stop that urge. She hadn't texted or called either. That irked him a little. If she really wanted to be in touch, she could have texted or at least asked me how my flight was. Maybe that's all that it was. She had just gotten used to of his presence, and the moment, he'll pull back & put some distance, she will eventually learn to be by herself. His mood was irritable the whole day so he didn't change, he didn't shower & he just grumpily laid on his bed or the lounge the whole day with the news running in the background. His leg was constantly shaking when the doorbell rang. The sound of the bell instantly brought him back & the moment he looked to the door, he just knew. He could feel it. he stood up from the sofa, muting the news & wore his chappals & walked towards the door, running a hand in his hair sideways. He went to the door & stood there before opening it. he could feel it was her. He breathed in loudly & unlatched the lock. There she was. His sweet little baby, looking like a literal baby. She was in a baby pink jumpsuit with a high pony & almost no makeup on her face. She just had a glossy light pink lip gloss on, making her lips all the more delectable. The moment their eyes met, something happened. She felt her breath actually got caught in her throat, his intense eyes seemed to be staring right at and through her. He looked tired, homely but so hot. Seeing him after five whole days made her so emotional suddenly. She just wanted to cry & run to him. She couldn't have imagined to feel this way for a stranger who had helped her in a grocery store. She just kept looking at him, visibly lost in his face.
"Sana" he spoke softly, breaking the silence. Her eyes shifted a bit & she finally registered his presence.
"uhh. Sidharth?. Kese ho aap?" she said finally moving a step closer to him. she so badly wanted to hug him but she didn't know if she could or not. He stepped aside, opening the door further for her to walk in. she walked in and gave him the slightest of smiles.
"I'm fine. How are you? Tum yahan kese" his tone wasn't stern, but it still seemed distant & plain. It wasn't the tone she was used to of. She turned around & looked at his handsome face.
"Hainn? Kya matlab? Ab aap aisay behave karoge kya?" she pouted a little. He just had the same serious expression on his face.
"Kya matlab hua k tum yahan kese" she said imitating his tone. He stifled his smile & kept staring at her with his arms crossed & the same serious expression.
"Kya mai koi anjaan insaan hoon? Kya apke ghar pehle kabhi nahi aayi? Khud tou aake batana bhi zaroori nahi samjha iss baar, ab mai agayi tou bhi problem hai" she said rolling her eyes.
"Tou tumne bhi tou koi contact nahi kia na" he retaliated. She gasped. He instantly clicked his tongue, shouldn't have said that. She found him too cute at the moment, he seemed like a grumpy kid who needed cajoling. She hadn't seen him like that ever. She smiled a little and moved towards him. he still stood there with his arms crossed, as if trying to protect himself from her & all the emotions she evoked in him.
"Sidharth, aap aisay kyun baat kar rahay ho? Aap naraz ho kya mujhse?" she asked him softly, looking into his eyes like an innocent child. He wanted to melt right there but he held his guard.
"Arey nahi relax, it's nothing like that. Why would I be angry? Mai busy tha, iss liye couldn't reach out wapis aa kar. It's not a big deal." He spoke plainly moving towards the sofa. She wanted to cry & also get mad at him for behaving this way but she felt so lost. How could she make things okay. She sighed and moved towards him with slow small steps. She sat next to him and slowly held his wrist.
"Sidharth? Aap aisay kyun baat kar rahay ho jese naraz ho, aur phir keh raahy ho k mai naraz nahi hoon. Ho na aap. Pata hai mujhe" she spoke with surety & slowly kept her head on his arm, not wanting to scare him. he wanted to pull his arm back, but more than that, he wanted to pull her in his arms.
"Arey nahi hoon mai naraz. Mujhe pata hai na." he spoke irritated.
"Ho aap, mujhe bhi pata hai" she retaliated.
" ye mai decide karunga k tum?" he asked firmly looking at her, her face was still pressed against his arm. She tilted her face up a bit to meet his eyes and spoke
"Mai" she answered. He wanted to laugh & scream & get away and get even closer to this girl sitting right there but life. He sighed loudly and pulled his arm away, making her pout.
"Sidharth aap kyun kar rahay ho aisay. Apko bhi pata hai, you aren't behaving the way you always do. Kyun naraz ho. Aur uss raat why did you say k you don't know if we'll meet or not? Aap aisay hi milna chor do ge mujhse kya?" she asked softly this time, hurt visible in her voice.
He looked at her beautiful face. His expressions hardened & so did his tone
"Sana? Kis haq se milta rahu mai tumse, huh? Hoon kon mai tumhara? Mene kya tumhara thekha le kar rakha hai?" he spoke harshly, freeing his arm away & standing up moving away from her. He ran a frustrated hand through his hair. He didn't like what he said to her, but he had no other choice. It was high time he prioritized his own peace. She sat there hurt, his words stung her heart and her eyes filled up. She kept looking at his back, his hands were on her waist & she could tell he was agitated. She stood up after a few seconds and went closer to him.
"Kya matlab? Kya aap dost nahi ho mere. Jab se aayi hoon , kabhi akela nahi chora, aur ab aisay chor do ge kya? Itni asaani se?" she whispered softly, and kept her hand softly on his shoulder. She so badly wanted to go in front and just hug him but she knew now wasn't the time. She didn't know herself of what she wanted from him, or what she was asking of him, she just knew that she had to have him around. She couldn't let him turnaround from her like that. He stood there silently, facing the other side & taking her words in. he too felt frustrated and helpless. He felt like smashing his head in a wall for making her so upset & so vulnerable but he had to. He couldn't let this happen anymore. Sana let go of all her fears and thoughts & just came forward and stood right in front of him, looking at him. his jaw was clenched & the veins on his neck were popping, she could tell he was controlling himself. He briefly looked at her with his lips pursed & she instantly came forward & hugged him. she kept her head on his chest & tightly wrapped her arms around him, trying to hide herself in him.
"Sidharth, please na. aap aisay mu mat moro mere se, mujhe acha nahi lag raha." She whispered in his chest. His breaths starting to quicken. She was making it much harder than it already was. He kept standing there with his hands on his waist, itching to hold her back. She was sniffling softly into his chest & unconsciously rubbing her face deeper into his chest, making it hard for him to stay calm. He finally lifted his hands and reluctantly kept them on her shoulders trying to push her away, she tightened her hold around him.
"Please, Sidharth" she whispered, silent tears running her cheeks. It was getting too bloody hard for him to control when she was standing there, wrapped around him like that & was constantly pushing herself into him & being so vulnerable. He wanted to shout at the situation & just fuck it all. He heard her sniffle louder & he sighed loudly. He rubbed his fingers on his face, frustrated. He felt her tighten her fingers around his shirt from behind. He finally lowered his hands down and eventually slowly wrapped them around her. The moment his arms touched her back, she involuntarily relaxed back causing him to tighten his grip around her. She too hugged him back tighter and a small smile finally came on her lips. her eyes were closed & she finally took in the feel of his arms around her, she could finally feel like she was around the Sidharth she knew. He was still lost and unsure of all of this, but having her break down like that in his arms & being so vulnerable, he couldn't hold back. He finally kept his chin on her head only after placing a long kiss at the top of her hair, and closed his eyes. they stood silently like that for a few minutes when eventually, she lifted her face up trying to look at his face. He too removed his chin & looked at her beautiful face. She gave him a small smile, and he too finally for the first time since she had come, smiled at her. He held her beautiful face in his hands and wiped the little bit of tears that were still on her face & placed a sweet kiss on her forehead.
"Ab la rahay ho Sidharth. Sachi. Warna mujhe laga haye rabba pata nahi konse anjaan insaan k ghar ghuss ayi mai" she said seriously with wide eyes, causing him to chuckle.
"Pagal" he laughed.
"Come" he finally took her to the sofa and sat next to her. She could finally breathe. She sat next to him happily & asked him how his trip was.
"Acha tha sweetheart, the usual. Tu bata, how have you been?" he asked her,
"Sab acha hai..Ab" she said after a pause and smiled at his direction. He too gave her a warm smile & lightly ruffled her hair.
"I'll make us some tea, sounds good?" he asked her standing & she happily nodded. She leaned back on the sofa and sat with her legs folded. The smile was finally back on her face & she couldn't have thought that this man would become so integral to her. She saw him work effortlessly in the kitchen, with his hair still disheveled & his shorts. He seemed so homely and so not the pilot that he was with that strong aura. She smiled at him. He returned back a few minutes later with two cups of tea & some leftover biscuits. He sat next to her after giving her the cup. She sipped it silently & so did he. It tasted like heaven honestly. After a few more random conversations, she again leaned her head on his bicep and spoke
"Uff Sidharth, pata hai mene kitna yaad kia apko" she said. He smiled at her & sipped his tea.
"Acha?" he asked amused.
"Aur nahi tou kya? Itne din huay baat kiye ya miley aur Janay se pehle bhi aa paisa keh k chale gaye k pata nahi miloge bhi k nahi, phir wapis aake ek din hogaya phir bhi koi hello hi nahi ki. Aur abhi bhi aisay serial ban k kharay rahay " she ranted, still leaning over his shoulder. He lightly chuckled at that, sipping is tea.
"Apko bolti hoon na mai. Mujhe acha lagta hai apke sath. Itna apna sa lagta hai, kitna karte ho aap mera, tou acha lagay ga hi naa. Pata hai yahan itne saray darr le kar ayi thi k kya hoga kese hoga par ap ne wo sab door kar diye. Itna safe feel karwa k, itni security de kar" she spoke. He stopped right there. Those words, they were there again. His grip on the cup tightened but he didn't say anything. He let her talk.
"Aap yahan mere koi na hotay huay bhi apne ban gaye. Apke sath kabhi darr nahi laga, hamesha safe feel hua, jese koi hai meri fikar karne k liye. Mera khayal karne k liye. Mujhe samjhane k liye. Finally Mumbai jesi anjaan jaga bhi ab safe lagti hai kyunki aap.." she stopped midway becaue of how harshly he pulled his arm away from her hold, she gasped.
"ENOUGH SANA, STOP IT" he shouted standing up and banging the cup harshly on the table, causing some of the tea to spill. She flinched.
"Sii..sidharth , kkya kya hua aap" she whispered, scared again. She hadn't ever heard him raise his voice. It was so loud, so powerful, so scary.
"JUST SHUT UP SANA. STOP WITH THIS BULLSHIT, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS CRAP" he roared causing her to wince at his tone & words. Her eyes filled up. What had gotten into him suddenly, she couldn't understand. She was in fact letting him know how important he had become for her, how she felt with him so then what caused him to react this way. She kept sitting there at the edge of the sofa, in the same position he had left her when he stood up.
"Aap ye sab kyun bol rahay ho" she whispered, her voice breaking.
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN. YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA RIGHT?" his voice rang through the living room. He suddenly turned & came closer and pulled her up harshly by her shoulders, she gasped loudly. It hurt, but his behavior hurt more.
"JUST STOP WITH YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT SANA! SAFETTY SAFETY SAFETY. EK BAAR AUR AGAR MENE YE SUNNA TOU MUJHSE BURA KOI NAHI HOGA. BAS KARDO. PEHLE DIN SE YE LAFZ SUN SUN K DIMAGH PHAT GAYA HAI MERA, SAMJHI TUM" he harshly pulled her chin up and made her face him. she was almost shaking. She met his eyes & they scared her. His eyes were dark & almost bloodshot. His veins were popping and his jaw was tightly clenched. He scared her. She tried speaking but it was as if her voice was lost somewhere. "k..kya" she barely managed.
"So you have NO FUCKING CLUE ABOUT ANYTHING HERE, haina? AUR MAI HI PAGAL HO RAHA HOON YAHAHN. YE SAB KYA HAI SANA? WHO DO YOU THINK I AM? HAVE YOU FUCKING HIRED ME TO PROVIDE YOU WITH SAFETY SECURITY AND COMFORT HERE IN MUMBAI, HAN? HOON KON MAI?" his voice wasn't lowering down. He had kept it all in for way too long, but right now when he was on the verge of giving in yet again, for her sake, she mentioned those words again. The words that were his fear. His fear about her only being with him due to how he made her feel & once she's done with it, she'll go back to her life & her fiancé. He still had her chin in his hold, not as tight, but his grip was still very firm. She made no efforts to remove his hand.
"tumhe lagta kya hai Sana? Mumbai aayi, mai mil gaya, tumhe acha lagne laga, comfort milne laga tou tum khush ho gayi k wow Sidharth ko yahin rakhte hain jab tak yahan hain. Uske baad ka kya hai? Uske baad chore ge isey yahan aur aramse wapis Punjab chale jayenge apne Akshay k paas. Haina?" he seethed with his teeth gritting each and every word. She closed her eyes at his words, her tears beginning to fall.
"Mai tumhare liye tumhari availability pe yahan har waqt rahun hoon kon mai tumhara? Tumhe safety deta rahoon aur end mai mujhe kya milega? Tumhara Akshay?" she flinched at that and he knew but today he couldn't stop. This fire was consuming him & burning him.
"Sidharth, ye sab kyun keh rahay ho, apko pata hai ..you know k..k mai uske liye kuch feel nahi" she tried speaking.
"FUCK IT SANA. You know what? I don't care anymore. I've already started to care a lot & it's costing me my peace. I can't keep doing this to myself. Tumhe Mubarak ho tumhara akshay. You have no fucking right to play with my emotions like this. Tumhe lagta hai ye sab mazaak hai? Can't you fucking see? How much I care?" he spoke dangerously slow, looking deeply into her eyes and harshly holding her face in both his hands. She finally looked into his eyes & an involuntary sob left her mouth.
"I cannot fucking see you crying, I cannot see you in any trouble, mera dil karta hai tumhe duniya ki har mushkil se bacha loon. Can't you see Sana? I was yet again giving in why? Because tumhare aansu nahi dekhe jaa rahay they. Tum affect karti ho mujhe, weak karti hoon & trust me sweetheart, I'm not in that age to go down that path. Tumhara kya hai, abhi yahan rahogi tou meri aadat ho rahi hai, kuch din nahi milogi, eventually wapis chali jaogi, tou sab bhool jaogi. But in all of that, I cannot let my fucking feelings get played, DO YOU GET THAT?" he shouted. His eyes were too dangerously dark & bloodshot. His demeanor scared her senseless, but his words, they broke & mended her heart at the same time. Tears kept gushing out her eyes and she was constantly biting on her lower lip to not howl. He briefly looked at her lips & pushed her face away looking away. He ran his fingers harshly in his hair & finally looked at her face, it was broken, but his heart was too.
"Sana? You know what's the worst part?" he whispered coming closer again. She looked at him.
"That after everything, I'll only be someone who was there in your time of need. That's it. And I'm not ready for that Sana. You affect me, like no one ever has. You mess with my thoughts and my heart. So I can't do that to myself anymore, I can't keep prioritizing you over my own sanity. If not today, then never" he finally spoke. Her eyes widened at that. She slowly raised her hand and opened her mouth to speak but he shut her midway by showing her his hand.
"Leave Sana. You need to go. I'm sorry. I finally have to prioritize myself. I'm sorry I can't be the comfort & safety that you need. Please Jao. Leave before I do something I regret. JAO DAMMIT" he shouted in the end causing her to shake. She stood there frozen, taking everything he said and silent tears just kept flowing. He turned around & his breaths were ragged. He kept rubbing his face with his fingers. She came closer to him & softly touched his shoulder, he wordlessly moved away, still not facing her. She had nothing to say to him, he was right. She couldn't be selfish & keep using him for her own peace. She couldn't do this to him. Some more hot tears flowed down her face and she slowly turned and silently walked away, closing his door on her way out. The moment the door closed, he turned around & his eyes stung. They were red as blood. He wanted to go after her & pull her into his arms and ask for forgiveness for everything that he just said but he had to let her go. It was for the best. He couldn't give in anymore. He picked up the cup that was on the table and smashed it harshly on the floor causing its pieces to scatter everywhere. He wanted to scream and pull out his hair. His face was red so were his eyes & with the force with which he was gritting his teeth, they could literally break. He wanted to hurt someone and himself. So he picked up one of the bigger pieces of the cup and tightly held it closing his fingers around it. The moment it pierced his skin, he opened his eyes and sighed. He threw the piece away & went and sat on the sofa. He felt so hollow, as if something had been snatched from him. Her broken eyes weren't leaving his mind. He wiped his hand on his shorts and sat with his face in his hands rubbing his face harshly. He kept sitting like that & kept playing it all in his mind. His eyes were stinging badly so he kept rubbing his face harshly.
Around 20 minutes later, his doorbell rang again. He was too lost in his thoughts to notice when it rang again after another two minutes. He finally looked up realizing. He again rubbed his face harshly, he was not in the mind frame to see anyone right now, he didn't even trust himself at the moment to meet someone. The bell rang again causing him to finally stand up and move towards the door. He kicked the pieces on the side while walking towards the door & ran his fingers in his hair trying to look a bit decent. His face was still lost though. The moment he opened the door & what he saw, shocked him to no end.