Thikaana

Twenty Seven

Sana hadn't known a more terrible and gut wrenching feeling. She was constantly feeling like her heart was being ripped out & crushed mercilessly. Yes, she had decided one thing with certainty, that she would go to any extent to protect his feelings and his already broken heart. She had finally seen and understood the gravity of his pain. It had hit her like a boulder. The way he took his rage out, the way he let his guard down in front of her and let her see what she was putting him through unknowingly. The way he had to drown himself in alcohol to lessen the pain and then his honest vulnerable confession of how he felt & how this pain made him feel. It had bloody tore hear heart into pieces. Her Sidharth was always extremely gentle with her, putting her safety, her comfort, her wellbeing at the top. So he trying to take his anger out on her physically like that, it had shaken her sanity. It was not what he did or how he did that shake her up, but the magnitude of his pain, his helplessness had come hit her inexplicably through his attempt. She did not feel the pain of his actions physically as much as she did emotionally upon hearing what he said to her in the end. The way he held her fingers placing them on his heart, and that vulnerability in his tone, it broke her endlessly. That's when it had truly hit her of what she was doing to him and where she was leading them and specially him. That was the last thing her heart could ever want, to put him in any pain. It had taken a lot on her part to make that call. To wipe her pain away and decide to move away from him because she could not let herself be the one to break him like that. She felt such intense rage for anybody who would even think of lifting a finger on him, so when she realized that she unknowingly was being that person, she had to fight herself just as much. He had said a lot of harsh and terrible things to him that night, according to some people, he might have even manhandled her really harshly at the end, but for Sana? None of it felt like that. She did not once feel bad about anything that he had uttered that night. In fact with every word coming out of his mouth, and with very action of his, she felt her heart sink more and more because she could see. She could see where she was leading that one man, who had started to mean more than anything in the world to her. For whom she could go to any extent, do anything, just for him. Just for the thought of him. He was that person for her. So how could she be okay with realizing what she was doing to him. Even when he had said that she wasn't trustworthy and that she wasn't loyal to anyone close to her, yes, it did hurt her tremendously but she could see beyond those words. This man, in the short time of knowing each other, he had always made her feel like she had directly ascended from the heavens above and that she deserved the best of everything and that no harm should ever come her way. So him saying something like that to her, which she knew, he himself didn't believe, really meant that he was broken and hurt and honestly? That hurt too meant something to her. She didn't have an ounce of doubt on him and his actions ever before, but him reacting to all of this with so much intensity truly made her see what she was always afraid to see. Meetings his mother, talking to her, had been beyond her expectations. She hadn't even wildly imagined anything like this. She had thought of all the bad things his mother could say to her for putting her son through all that pain. So when she came with food for her, enquired her about her health, and spoke to her like an angel sent from above, it had shaken the ground beneath her feet. She was already beyond grateful to have found a man like Sidharth, who literally just awakened a bunny inside her. She could just listen to his name and smile and hop around endlessly. He made her feel things and emotions she had never even thought of in her life. So now, meeting his mother like that and her giving Sana the comfort and assurance and the confidence to pour her heart out to her, it made her want to cry out of gratefulness for these two people. His mother's greatness was constantly coming and slapping her in the face. It was making her feel guiltier than ever. The woman who's son she unknowingly broke so much, that woman chose to look past that and come talk to her and comfort her instead. She couldn't stop thanking her babaji. It pained her terribly to think of not seeing or meeting her Sidharth anymore or going to him, cooking for him, jumping into his arms like that but one memory of his broken eyes, and she pulled herself together. It had been two long nights for her and now lying down on her bed after his mother left, and thinking through all these things, she was further losing her mind. Her eyes were aching and burning to no end because of all the crying and the torture they went through. She finally hugged her pillow to her aching chest, and gave in to the exhaustion.

****
Sidharth had woken up extremely groggy and grumpy. The moment he opened his eyes, the realization hit him and he just wanted to groan and sleep back again. At least those were the few hours, his mind wouldn't constantly race. He was in a very angry and grumpy mood. He could literally chew people raw. He stayed in bed like that, staring at the ceiling and just plainly sulking before he finally decided to step out. He went to the washroom, did his business and was out feeling a little bit fresh but pretty much still the same. He went outside and suddenly, all he could see was her. She hadn't even been here that much yet and it felt like she was always here in his house. Her presence, her laughter, her sweet voice, the way she batted her beautifully additive eyes at him, her blushing plump cheeks, they were all calling to him and gnawing at his heart. He tightly fist clenched his fist to resist the urge to break something and walked to the kitchen, turning the coffee machine on. He really needed some dark strong coffee to awaken him from this tiring loop he was in. He hoped the coffee could do some magic. He had today and tomorrow off and then he was to leave for another whole week. The thought felt scary this time. It didn't make him feel happy about the distraction that he earlier thought he could use. This time, it felt like a greater punishment. Going away like that, not being able to meet or see her face, not be here for her if she needed him. No. He had to stop thinking that way. He couldn't just keep thinking about her safety like that and destroy himself. He had to step back and he had to let her be on her own. That was the path she wanted to choose for herself, so be it. He poured the hot black coffee in a mug and just randomly grabbed a slice of bread to go with it. He leaned on the stool next to the counter in the kitchen and just thought. He was still feeling so much of angst and helplessness inside, he didn't know what to do with it or how to take it out. It was not even Sana who he was entirely angry on. He was angry on the whole situation and on his life's timing. Yes, he really felt angry on her but that anger did not once stem from a doubt on her or her loyalty or her feelings for him. Yes, he regretted every second of what he said to her that night about not being loyal but he didn't believe it even an ounce. He knew it in his heart and soul, that she could never play him. He was angry on her because of her inability to make  call, to keep suffering and let him suffer despite her heart. That is why he was angry on her, but never because he doubted her. He put the cup to his lips without thinking and the hot liquid instantly burnt his tongue.
"FUCK" he groaned slamming the mug down. He decided to freshen up a bit and go out for some errands that he had to do and then drop by at his mother's in the evening. Being in this house was literally ticking down on whatever sanity had left inside him. He quickly gulped his coffee down and went for a shower to put his mind and the burning rage inside him off a little.

Sana woke up feeling pretty much the same. She instantly looked to her side and realized that she was no longer in his house, cuddled up in his arms. It instantly filled her eyes up and her lips formed an unintentional light pout to try sulking the tears back in. The bit on her lower lip, moving her eyes to the sides to stop the tears from falling. She then wiped and rubbed her eyes from the back of her hand and she looked like an upset child who's favorite doll had just been snatched from her. Only if it was that simple. He was not her favorite doll, or even her favorite person. The thing was, she found it extremely hard to put in words what he exactly meant to her. She picked her phone up to see if there is anything from him but who was she kidding. He wasn't kidding when he said that she was breaking him. He had already given in a lot she felt. That too was just for her, she knew. He kept going on and on just for her, just so that she could be happy for a while longer. Every time he tried distancing himself or pushing her away, she would cry and beg him and he would end up giving in but for how long? His selflessness for her feelings and for her heart to be a bit more happy, it was stabbing her. She felt like every part of her body physically ached because of the pain. She remembered how she opened her own heart in front of him and let him know that maybe she was being selfish with all of this but she wanted to be selfish for some more time because he gave her what nobody had ever given her. So she wanted to forget everything for a while and just be with him and he let her. She cried. That man let her despite his hurting heart. She let out a long shaky breath rubbing her face harshly in her hands. Her fingers then slowly moved lower to her neck. To the spot where even though in anger, but he chose to let her see how important she was to him and how she made him feel. Where despite his anger, he knew he had the right on her to show her what she was doing to him. It still felt slightly sore and hurt just a little bit as she touched it lightly. She lightly winced and moved her fingers away. She tied her hair in a lose rough bun and stepped out of the bed. While Sana was in the washroom she tilted her face a little to the side and stepped closer to the mirror to inspect the mark he had left on her. She lightly touched it again, it was slightly lighter but still on the reddish side. It was like an actual bruise. Never had a bruise felt nicer and made her happier than this one did. It was special, it was a first for her, it meant something. For her, it hadn't come out of his anger but out of the right he felt he had on her and the intensity of his emotions for her. She smiled the slightest bit feeling it under her fingers. It was going to be hard, but this made her feel like she had something from him with her. Something that would remind her of his anger and where that anger stemmed from. Sana was much better now and it was also the last day of her antibiotic course. The home cooked food his mother had brought her, really did wonders. She decided to step inside the kitchen and make herself a light breakfast. Of course, she was missing him beyond words could suffice. Seeing him stand in the kitchen in his rough disheveled look and make something for her, it would melt her heart into a puddle every time. She was halfheartedly cooking her breakfast when she thought back to the conversation with his mother last night. She had said so much and that too so warmly, not once imposing anything on her yet filling her with her wisdom, she smiled. Sana's heart felt a bit happier thinking about his mother. After last night, she felt like she had someone to talk to now. Someone who would listen to her and give her an honest unbiased genuine advice. His mother was such an angel. Her smile fell a little thinking about her own mother. She did love Sana dearly and so did Sana but that intensity always lacked. Sana had been kept away so much that they never got the chance to bond like usual mothers do with their daughters. Sana never felt she could lay her heart out like that because her mother wouldn't be able to understand the depth, even if she wanted to. There were not many people who truly understood Sana. She was a lioness, a fighter right from the beginning but because she had always been sent away, she had learnt to just give in to the choices her parents made for her. Her heart was like that. It couldn't hate on people, it couldn't hold grudges, it never turned bitter for her parents or even her Mama Mami who she had been living with during her childhood years. She chose to focus on people's goodness. She always accepted Akshay too because she had accepted that he would be a nice life partner. Somebody who wouldn't expect a lot from her in terms of emotional depth since she never felt that from him either. She had been unbothered about it because she felt it would be a smooth sail but little did she know that coming here would change the entire direction of her life. Meeting someone like Sidharth would never have crossed even the wildest of thoughts in her head. Someone so strong, so powerful, so masculine, so intimidating but yet so soft for her. She felt that he understood her like nobody ever did. He never looked at her as weak, or small. He understood her strengths, her heart but he cared for and worried about the innocence of her heart. That is why her Sidharth was the most special. He understood her like nobody else did. She was lost deep in his thoughts playing around with her breakfast, when her phone rang breaking her trance. She panicked thinking it would be Akshay. The last thing she wanted to do right now was to hear his voice. She knew once she heard his voice, she didn't know what she would end up doing. She quickly wiped her hands on her night suit and went for her phone, it was her Mother. She sighed. She didn't know how seeing her name made her feel. She answered the call reluctantly and spoke a little when she remembered that she had to eat her medicine before it was late. She told her mother to give her a few minutes and that she would call her back. Sana put the phone down and went inside her room. She didn't really know how she felt about speaking to her mother. She was in such a vulnerable state at the moment, that she couldn't be trusted with anything. Sana had her medicine and was just washing her hands when she remembered what his mother had said last night. She looked at herself in the mirror and she stared there for a good few minutes thinking. She finally let out a breath going back outside.

****
Sidharth had got done with his work and he had just parked outside his Mother's house and sighed. He didn't know what was he to say when she asks something about Sana. He hadn't even clearly told her what all had gone down between them. There was this fear inside of him too thinking of what his mother would think of Sana. She had been warning Sidharth to steer clear right from the beginning because she could see where it would go but he didn't listen. Now that she was proven right, a part of him still didn't want her to think ill of Sana or misunderstand her. His thoughts scared and amazed him at the same time. He went all ballistic on her, accused her of all the worst possible things and yet, he still wanted to protect her, from his own mother. He scoffed getting out of his car. He rang the doorbell and ran a hand in his hair , a little anxious to see her. The house help opened the door greeting him and he walked inside. His mother sat on the sofa, a book in her hand and her glasses perked up on her nose. He went closer and placed a kiss to her head. She instantly looked up at him putting the book upside down and smiling at him.
"Arey tu aaya hai. Kesa hai mera bacha" she said lovingly cupping his face. He smiled at her moving to sit.
"I'm fine, just had to get a few things done so socha apke sath chaye peeta jaun"
"Bohat acha kia meri jaan. Mai abhi banwati hoon. Seema, zara chaye bana de achi si" she called the house help. Sidharth sat there anxiously, his hand extended on the back of the sofa. His mother could see it.
"Kya hua beta? Pareshan hai?"
"Huh? Uhh, nahi nahi I'm fine. Aap batao, Neetu se baat hui? Uski call ayi thi mujhe subah, but thori dair baad cut gayi then network lagan ahi. She was telling me about her party that they're having on the success of their project. Sahi pagal thi khushi se" he chuckled talking about his sister.
"Haan I spoke to her kal raat mai, bohat dair sar khaya usne mera. Ek ek detail batayi about her project and how they went about it" his mother laughed. They chatted for a while before the tea and some snacks came. He was slowly sipping on his tea when his Mother finally spoke
"Beta, Sana se baat hui? Kya abhi bhi baat nahi kar rahe tum dono?"
He looked at his mother and sighed.
"Nahi Mom. Kaha na mene apko kal, k there's no point talking. Baat kar k kya karu? It's not like we are going to move forward beyond this, then what's the point?" he sounded frustrated. His mother remained silent and sighed helplessly. He instantly regretting saying that.
"Umm lekin Mom, wo aap usey ghussa mat hona.. I mean, I know I'm mad par wo..aisi nahi" he tried forming his words when his mother looked at him surprised, smiling.
"Arey mai usey kyun ghussa hongi? She's such a lovely girl. Itni pyaari bachi hai wo" his mother spoke with such warmth for Sana, it instantly took him by surprise. He wasn't expecting that. He frowned.
"Really? You..like her?" he asked hesistantly.
"Of course I do, what's not to like about that girl?" she smiled.
"Haan matlab, I mean you've just met her once, so I thought k shayd aa puss pe ghussa hogi after...all this" he mumbled towards the end.
"Nahi meri jaan. She's a beautiful girl. Bhale ek baar mili hoon, but I could see why you were so obsessed with her. Kitni maasoom aur pyaari hai na wo? Beta, I told you earlier too, she's young, choti hai abhi wo and life has thrown such big challenges her way. Agar abhi wo thora lost feel kar bhi rahi hai, it doesn't mean she isn't willing to make a decision, it just means na that she needs some more time and some clarity?" she tried making him understand. He rubbed his face in frustration. He knew his mother was right, but her saying all that made him miss her all the more.

****
"Kesi hai meri Sanu, sab wadiya?" her mother spoke excitedly on the call. She rolled her eyes. Only if she could tell her how amazing everything was. She answered her back plainly and asked about the rest of her family. Sana was leaned back on her bed and playing with her bedsheet, least interested in what her mother was saying.
"Haaye Sanu tenu pata hai? Parson na assi Akshay dey ghar gaye si, khaane te bulaya si unha ne. Odhey Maa ne ki wadiya khana banaya si, haye maza agaya menu te tere papa nu." There it was. How could her mother go without bringing him up. She just hmmed, frustrating her mother.
"Bas Sanu thore bohat mahine hor laa le Mumbai wich, kar le shauq poor ate cheti cheti wapis aja meri ti. Bas saanu saraya nu tere intezaar hai. Teri shaadi da.." her mother ranted, not waiting for her response. That was it. Sana burst out. It was like someone just poked a pin right at the surface of the ballon holding in all the fire, spilling it.
"Bas karo Ammaa" she screamed silencing her mother.
"Akshay akshay akshay, shaadi shaadi shaadi. Bas karo. Kya apko mujhe kabhi bhi mere khud k liye baat nahi karni hoti? Kabhi mere baray mai, ya meri zindagi mai yahan kya chal raha uske baray main ahi poochna hota? Kya mai apki kuch nahi lagti Amma?" her voice rose and cracked.
"Kabhi kabhi menu lagda ae k twaade naal rishta sirf Akshay di voti banan tak hai. Uss tou baad koi len den nahi saada" she cried letting it all out but she didn't feel sad or helpless. She felt angry. She wiped her face clean and spoke
"Apko pata hai? Jab aapka phone aata hai mai ghabra jaati hoon kyunki mujhe pata hota hai aap ne sirf ek hi baat karni hai. Aise tou nahi hona chahiye na Amma? Beti hoon na mai apki, tou ap se baat karne ka tou intezaar karna chahiye na mujhe" she choked.
"Sanuu..tu ae" her mother tried interrupting
"Nahiii. Bas Amma. Aaj aap meri suno. Bohat hogaya ye sab, Apko aur kuch tou sunna nahi hota na, so aaj wo suno jiski baat aap hamedha sunna chahti ho, Akshay. Bohat acha hai wo, lekin NAHI KARNI MUJHE USE SHADI AUR NAA HI MAI KARUNGI< SUN LIA AAP NE" she screamed. She heard a loud gasp on the other end.
"SANU KI BAKWAAS KARDI PAYI AE, DIMAGH TE NAHI KHARAB?"
"Kharab hi tha Amma, ab tak. Jo ab tak ye sovh k chup rahi k shayd yahi sahi hai aur shayd iss zindagi se mujhe kabhi koi farak nahi paray ga aur naa hi mere raste mai ayegi ye zindagi. Par ab aur nahi. Ab samajh araha hai k sab se bari ghalti karne jaa rahi thi mai, apne aur uskse sath. Kabhi pyaar nahi kia mene Akshay ko, Usko kabhi chaha nahi, samjhe aap? Bas cup chaap maan liya ye rishta uss time kyunki Papa aur Dada ji ne itna zor daala itni kasmein di, uss waqt mai gadhi thi, sirf apne future ka socha aur usko manwane k liye kisi bhi baat ko haan kar diya. Lekin Amma, mai ab aur ye nahi kar sakti. Dam ghuttha hai mera ye sab soch k " she cried letting her frustration her anger her helplessness all out. Her plump cheeks were red and warm with anger.
"Mumbai jaa k pagal ho gayi hai. Tenu dasiya sin a mai? AE mat kari Sana, lekin nahi. Tut e lagda ae sab nu barbaad karan te tulli hui ae. Band kar ae sab bakwaas te jaldi wapis aa ithey,bas" her mother spoke sternly, frustrating her more. She pulled on her hair letting out an ugly cry.
"AGGGGGH. AAMMMAA KYUN NAHI SAMAJHTE AAAP. KYA MERI KHUSHI KOI MAAYNE NAHI RAKHTI. NAHI KARNI SHADI MATLAB NAHI KARNI. HAMESHA SAB KI BAAT MAANI, PAR YE MAT BHOOLO K MAI BOHAT ZIDDI HOON, KARTI WOHI HOON JO MUJHE KARNA HOTA HAI. KYUN HAAN KIA MENE ISS RISHTE KO? KYUNKI USS TIME MUJHE APNA CARRER YE JOB, YE DEGREE SAB CHAHIYE THA TOU USKO MANWANE K LIYE MENE KIA JO KARNA THA. TOU AB BHI MAI HAR USS HAD TAK JAA SAKTI HOON YE MANWANE K LIYE" Sana shouted, her throat hurt but she didn't care.
"Sana Pagal hogayi hai tu? Chittar khane ne? Tere Papa ne sun liya na te siyaapa ho jana ae, haye rabba ae kudi menu pagal kar k hi chadde gi" her mother let out an exasperated sigh. Sana scoffed wiping at her angry tears.
"Yahi tou masla hai na Amma, tum mujhe samajhne ko tyaar hi nahi ho. Yahi farak hai tum mai aur..." she whispered sadly.
"Amma mai apna faisla le chuki hoon mujhe nahi karni ye shaafi. Aur agar aap ne majboor kiya na mujhe tou main na wapis Punjab aaungi na yahan rukungi, kahin aur bhaag jaungi. Aur aap jaanti ho mai wo kar sakti hoon" she warned her mother .
"Sana meri baat sun ye paaglo waali galan na kar mere naal, samjhi? Aise kese bhaag jayegi pagal hai kya? Tera Akshay naal koi jhagda hoya hai ki? Jo ae sab faaltu gallan kar rahi ae?"
"NAHII KOI JHAGDA nahi hua. Mai bohat serious hoon, ye sab faaltu nahi hai amma, aap bhale samhna nahi chahte par mai apko bata rahi hoon k aap sab ko khud samjha do tou behtar hai. Mujhe apne aap ko iss rishte k zariye aur qaid nahi karna, mai mar jaungi aise" she cried softly.
"Mujhe apni khushi chahiye, aur meri khushi Akshay nahi hai" she said as softly as she could thinking of her beautiful Sidharth.
"Haye Rabba. Sana sach sach bol, tujhe wahan koi aur pasand agaya hai kya? Tu kisi aur k sath, koi wahan tujhe pagal bana raha hai na? Aur tu ban rahi hai" her mother gasped.
" Aisa kuch nahi hai. Aur agar shayd pasand aa bhi gaya ho tou? Meri Akshay se shadi tou nahi hui na, bas ek rishta hai, jo kabhi bhi toot sakta hai" she said stubbornly.
"Sana meri gal sun. Beta tu iss waqt jazbaati ho rahi hai, tut hora waqt le, kuch din le, thora ghussa thanda kar aur hum phir baat karenge, hmm? Shabaash meri ti, ae sab mat soch. Sab theek hoye ga" her mother tried pacifying her.
"Haan amaa le lo aap waqt, aur iss time mai sab ko bata bhi dena, kyunki mera faisla nahi badle ga" she said quietly, ending the call. She let her tears flow freely now, angry on her mother and her lack of understanding for her daughter. She felt so good letting that off her chest. She had made herself clear and the more she said it, the more she felt it. She didn't want to go back running to Sidharth. That's not why she said this to her mother. She had to make a decision for herself first, chose a path and then see what life unfolds for her in terms of Sidharth.

Sana felt so much better after the confrontation with her mother and her mood was a tad bit better. She washed her dishes and made herself a cup of tea. A while later she felt hungry and it was almost dinner time so she went and warmed up the food his mother had left last night, bringing an automatic smile to her face. She emptied the box and washed it putting it away when suddenly she had a thought. She really wanted to do this for her. This was the least she could do after all that she did for Sana. Sana smiled to herself and looked forward to tomorrow.