Thikaana

Twenty Nine

Sana stood there as he walked out of the gate. She felt like her heart was constantly sinking deep inside her body. Fear was engulfing her entire being. Every time he walked away like this, it sank her heart endlessly. She could see how far she had pushed him. She could see the damage in his eyes clearly. He wanted to maybe give in, but he didn't. His heart didn't let him and she saw it. So him walking away like this yet again, showed her how far this had gone and how minimal or impossible the chances had become for him to now turn back and take her back in his arms. She stood there silently letting her tears fall and her gaze just stuck to the gate which he had just gone out from. She slowly wiped her face realizing where she was and went inside to say her goodbye to his mother. After what happened today, she wasn't very sure about meeting her too. She would completely understand and respect his mother if she chooses to not see Sana anymore. She would never want to come between her and her son.
"Aunty, mai bhi chalti hoon ab. Aap rest karo" Sana spoke in a weak and low voice. His mother sighed. She had an idea of what must have happened outside. She knew her son and she also knew how badly he was trying to protect his heart. She came forward and gently cupped Sana's face, stroking it lovingly.
"Bache, dil chota nahi karna aise. Mene kaha than a mushkil waqt zaroor hai par tujhe issi se guzar k apna raasta banana hai, haina? Aur tu tou itni bahadur hai, tu aise abhi himat mat haar. Sana's eyes filled up listening to that and she instantly lunged forward and hugged her.
"A.aunty..thnak you so much. Aap itne achay ho. I'm I'm really sorry aaj meri waja se Sidharth aap se ghussa.." she mumbled.
"Shhh. Aisa kuch nahi hai beta. Wo ghussa hua kyunki wo wese hi ghussa hai halaat se abhi, haina? Iss liye nahi k tum yahan thi. Aur beta iss waja se ye bilkul mat socho k shayd mujhe acha nahi laga. You're very much more than welcome here any time. Tera jab dil karay, tu aja mujhse milne, hmm?" she lovingly patted her head. Sana just nodded, pouting. She moved away and wiped her face and gave his mother a small weak smile.
"Chalo mai jaati hoon ab, aap bhi apna khayal rakho." Sana said softly. She went ahead and gathered her bag and checking for her phone and everything one last time. She then turned and walked away towards the door smiling at his mother. She walked a few steps ahead and then stopped, thinking of something. She turned back looking at his mother, who was standing there looking at her questioningly. She walked back to her, looking at her nervously.
"Kya hua bache, kuch reh gaya kya?"
"haan ek cheez" Sana mumbled. His mother raised her eyebrows.
"Thank you for everything. Aap nahi hotay tou shayd mujhe ye himmat nahi milti. She then bent forward and placd a small kiss to his mother's cheek. She was completely taken aback. She just warmly smiled at Sana and said
"Tu sach mai bohat pyaari hai, jeeti reh beta." She lovingly stroked her face.
"Aap bhi bohat pyaare ho. Thank you" Sana said with confidence this time and hugged her quickly one last time before leaving. His mother sighed and prayed for her son's happiness and peace, which was this girl. She could now see how he needed this girl in his life, she truly was an angel.
****
Sidharth had come home extremely. He was losing his mind. Seeing her sit there so comfortably in his mother's house, did something to him. Not that he didn't want to see her there or he was angry because she dared to go there, No. He would have loved to see them bond or for his mother to build a relationship with her. What frustrated him was the situation they were in, where he had to not like the fact that was there. He was dying to see her, have a glimpse of how she was doing but he would find her there was nowhere on his mind so when he did, he lost it. What angered him was where they had come. There was a point she knew absolutely nobody in this city except for him. And now, the fact that she knew another person too, his own mother, and she could go to her, it messed his heart up. He loved it, but it also broke him making him realize that she still hadn't chosen him. She was still adamant about going back and so, she chose to go to his mother's place, not his. His mother and Sana bonded made him the happiest like nothing else would, but right now, he was selfish. He didn't like the fact that she chose to go this mother because he wanted her for himself. He wanted her to chose him, to make that call and her choosing to go there instead, meant she hadn't chosen him. He wanted to pick the phone up and tell his mother categorically to not meet her or entertain her any further because why should she? It was his mother. If she couldn't make the call to be with him, why should he allow her to meet his mother. But did he really think that way? He knew he didn't. He ran a frustrated hand through his hair cursing profusely. His face was almost red and warm from all the rage inside. He knew he could never do that, knowing that she had at least one more person here now, till whatever time she was here, that too his own mother, it kind of comforted him. Even if he couldn't be with her and keep an eye on how she is, at least his mother can. She would have someone to talk to or go to if she needs anyone. It would also maybe give him a chance to ensure she's okay. This. This is what frustrated him to no end. Why couldn't he stop bothering about what she did or how she was. He just slammed his fist on the next wall and went ahead to finish his packing. He wanted to catch some sleep before he left. Her eyes weren't leaving his mind, the helplessness there, it was twisting his heart constantly. He hated what he was doing to her, but didn't she realize? She was doing it to them. Things could change but she chose to go ahead with them. So what was the point of ruing over it now?

Sana had come home broken and distraught. She had no will to do anything else and just wanted to think of him, the warmth his arms gave him and just cry her heart out. Her phone rang about half an hour later, it was her mom. She felt anger rise up her system seeing the name. Not because she was angry on her mother, she was but she was angry on every body and mostly herself. Herself because they al didn't know Sidharth, but she did. When it came to him, it was only her who was responsible for putting him through all this. She had no energy to talk to her mother right now. She knew her very well and she knew why she was calling her. It had been a day since she had shouted at the phone telling her she would not marry Akshay and she was calling now. She was probably trying to see if her mood and anger had settled down now so that she could sweet talk her into changing her mind and just generally telling her that she can't be doing that and she probably said all of that in anger and she just needs to think through this through a cool and calmer mind. She would not allow anybody anymore into sweet talking her over this now. It had already been a lot. A lot of damage had already been done and at this point, she didn't even know if Sidharth would take her back or not. Hot and angry frustrated tears filled her eyes and she harshly threw the phone under her pillow keeping the quilt over it to suppress its sound. She let it ring for a few more seconds before it ended. She just put her head on her knees hugging them to her chest and sat there thinking of his angry and hurt eyes. His reaction on seeing that mark, she saw something move in his eyes when he saw that mark. She could feel the intensity building inside him, she could see how he wanted to say and do so much but he held himself back and that broke her heart. She never wanted him to hold himself back that too when it came to her. He was leaving soon and that too for a whole week. She couldn't even say a proper goodbye to him, he didn't let her. She picked her phone up and looked at it, opening his contact and just staring at it. She desperately wanted to talk to him, hear his voice even if he would get angry at her. She thought of pressing on his name but she suddenly looked at the time. It was almost midnight and since his flight was early in the morning, he must be asleep by now. She didn't want to disrupt his sleep or his mood at this time. So she reluctantly shut her phone keeping it aside. She just fell on the bed covering herself with her quilt and just giving in to the emotional exhaustion and letting her eyes close down with his angry eyes in vision.

****
Sidharth reached Milan somewhere in the late afternoon. He was extremely exhausted and dead by the time he reached. He crashed straight to his hotel room and took a quick shower and went straight to his bed. The physical exhaustion of the flight, along with the mental exhaustion, the constant thoughts about her and the entire confrontation with her, it was all running like a reel through his mind. The thoughts the frustration, the helplessness was just not letting him rest. He wanted to do so much, say so much, hold her, comfort her, wash away that hollowness on her face and in her eyes but he was helpless, his hands were tied. He didn't realize when he dozed off. Sidharth woke up a few hours later, pretty groggy and confused. It took him a few minutes to really wake up and the first thing his mind went to, was her. He thought of that mark. He hadn't really gotten the time until now to really think about it. He thought of how it looked on her skin, just the mark being there, it felt so..different. He didn't really understand what it made him feel but it surely made him feel a lot of things altogether. He was 38 years old, his past experiences had been so much more intimate, and bolder, but every little thing with her, with Sana, didn't just feel like a first for her, it also feel like a first to him. Every touch, every hug, every hold, it felt like a live wire that struck him and awakened his soul and insides. It was a feeling he had never felt before with anyone. Not even with her. all of this furthered angered him. He realized there was no point thinking of all of it and hurting his already wounded heart more. His comfort, his understanding, politeness, anger, warnings nothing worked on Sana. She still chose to be with Akshay. Despite her own heart. So there was only so much he could do and only so much he could take. He scrolled through his phone grumpily and his leg constantly shook. He was going to be here for a whole week and he realized that just sitting here in this hotel room, thinking of her would do him no good so he thought that he should maybe freshen up a bit and go out explore the city a bit. he desperately needed a distraction or else his mind would explode. He quickly got up from his bed and went to change. It was still evening there, so he could explore the city.

Sidharth took a good 1-2 hours roaming around the city aimlessly. He just walked since he needed to clear his head out a little and just wanted some fresh air. That mark on her skin was not leaving his mind. It was arousing him in more ways than one. He really needed a drink or maybe more to calm his racing heart and mind a bit. He checked out the nearest bar and went there. He could really use some alcohol right now. Sidhrth returned to his hotel room around forty five minutes later. He was not really drunk, but a little over tipsy. He had some vodka but not a lot of it. He didn't want to lose control of himself, he just needed some respite from all the thoughts suffocating his mind. He kicked his shoes away and plopped down on his bed. He got himself comfortable and then picked his phone up. He stared at the phone for a while before acting on his impulse.
It was midnight in India and Sana was fast asleep when her phone vibrated. Since it was on the bedside table next to her, the vibration was pretty loud, instantly disturbing her sleep. She frowned and turned a little on the other side, trying to ignore the phone. When the vibrations didn't stop she finally turned around. The moment she opened her eyes and realized that it was pretty late, she instantly panicked thinking of who it could be. The moment she stretched her hand grabbing her phone, the phone almost dropped from her hands seeing the name flash on it.
"SIDHARTH??" she sounded, groggy, shocked and scared.
"Hi Baby" his slurry raspy voice shook her alive. Her eyes widened and she instantly sat up on her bed turning her side lamp on. He called her? From there? Was he in some trouble, was he okay? He never called her before whenever he was away on a flight. Her heart was suddenly in her throat and she didn't know what to expect. She could her his rugged breathing. She held the phone tighter.
"S.sidharth, aap ho? Aap aap theek ho na? Are, are you drunk?" her voice was low and scared. He released a shaky breath.
"Haan just took a few drinks. I'm not drunk. Just a little tipsy, but I'm not out of it" he sounded like a stubborn child. She wanted to hold him so bad so she instead held the phone as tightly and as closer to her as she could. Listening to his voice, that too like this felt so so good. It felt like she hadn't heard him like this since ages now.
"Hmm" she barely managed.
"Were you sleeping? Oh fuck. It must be very late in the night abhi. Mene jaga dia na, tu sou jaa."
"No no no no Please NO. DON'T PUT THE PHONE DOWN" she spoke hurriedly scared that he'd cut the call.
"Kyun" he sounded grumpy. She wanted to smother this man with kisses.
"Mujhe baat karni hai na" she spoke softly, lovingly.
"kyun" he was being a grumpy kid but she loved it all. At least he called.
" Kitni khush ho gi na abhi tu?" he spoke raspily.
"Hmm?" she just hummed, lost in his voice.
"I fucking have no control over myself and I ended up calling you from miles apart. Just because I'm a fucking loser who cannot control his bloody emotions for someone who doesn't give two shits" he sounded angry and harsh. She inhaled, her eyes filling up at that.
"Don't say that please, you know aisa nahi hai." She mumbled quietly.
"Pata hai kitna miss kar rahi hoon apko. Mar rahi thi aap ki awaz sunne k liye, aap se baat karne k liye. I miss you Sidharth" her voice cracked incredibly too much, silencing him instantly. He let out a shaky breath and rubbe3d his forehead with his fingers. The alcohol was putting his emotions on a high and weakening his heart. He didn't want to upset her like this.
"Don't cry" he spoke softly. She grabbed the phone tighter, desperately wanting his arms around her.
"Take care Sana" he spoke after a few seconds. She panicked.
"Please don't put the phone down" she cried.
"Kya karu yahan ruk k Sana" he sighed, exhausted. The alcohol and the emotions were getting to him. His eyes felt heavy. He pressed his temples with his fingers, just quietly listening to her low breathing and the sniffles.
"kitna hurt kiya na mene apko. Itna, k now you don't even want to see my face. I deserve it" she cried, breaking his hart. His nostrils flared. He didn't want that. Yes, he was angry at her but he couldn't take her blaming or hating herself like that, or think that she's at his mercy.
'STOP" he spoke harsjly and louder instantly quietening her.
"Sidharth" she sounded so broken.
"Sana, please go back to sleep. Forget that I called. I shouldn't have" he sounded regretful and she hated it. How did it come to this?
"Jaanti hoon ghussa ho, nafrat karte ho, naraz ho. Sab sahi hai. Par thori dair baat tou kar sakte ho na, itne sakht mat bano, mujhe dard hota hai jab aap baat na karo tou" she sounded upset like a little girl. He wanted to smile at the last part but it also hurt him too much.
"Bolo" he snapped. He so wanted to keep listening to her voice. God knew how much he missed it.
"Flight kesi rahi? Theek se chalaya na jahaz?" she said cutely. He wanted to chuckle.
"Jahaz chalate nahi urate hain, gadhi" he said. She cracked a smile at that. He hadn't called her that since so long.
"Mhm" she was relishing in his voice and he knew. He leaned back on his bed, resting his head on the bed rest.
"Subah office hai?" he asked.
"Hmmm. Bilkul dil nahi, par hai" she said sadly.
"Kyun? Dil kyun nahi hai?"
"Kyunki dukhi hoon na. Aap chahiye ho" she pouted. His heart beat and broke and melted hearing that. This girl would drive him and throw him over the brink of insanity.
"Faaltu baatein mat bol" he said despite his heart.
"Hawww sau lage. Faaltu kahan se hui? Sach keh rahi hoon, sachii" she gasped, widening her eyes as if he was right in front of her. He stayed quiet for a few seconds before talking again.
"Sana?" his voice was huskier and intense. Her heart was flipping in her stomach.
"Hmm"
"Is the mark still there?" he sounded so serious and so intense that she almost forgot to breathe. Her fingers automatically went to the spot on her neck, softly touching it.
"Hmm" she responded. She suddenly felt so shy and conscious that she didn't really know what else to say to him yet she wanted to keep listening to him.
"I want to kiss it so bad. Fuck" he groaned running his hand through his hair, completely frustrated. She inhaled. She wanted that too, so badly.
"Sidhaarth" he breathing quickened. He remained quiet for a few seconds and so did she.
"You know what Sana? Forget it. Forget that I called. I shouldn't have. But I just lost control. It was a fucking mistake. Everything was. But that's what you do to me. You weaken me, and I don't like that. I don't want that for myself anymore. It has already been enough. And please, do whatever the fuck you want to, but try to not ever come in my way again. Just stay away" he breathed it all out, his breathing short and his tone lacing loathe and anger. Her tears flowed hearing that. She had really driven him that far this time and it broke her every minute.
"Sidharth, please.."
"NO Sana. Stop. I've had enough. I'll try to not lose control the next time" he blabbered anything that came to his mouth. He knew he was losing it and it was better that he just cut the call before he hurt her more. She just silently sobbed and he knew it. he could feel her painful tears flowing. He clenched his fist and was just about to cut the call when he spoke again
"And Sana? Remember that mark. Look at it and remember it. I gave it to you. I was the first one to touch you there. He wasn't. It was me. It was not your Akshay. I'll always be the first one. Remember" he spoke venomously and cut the call before she could respond. Her eyes widened and her tears just flew.
"It will always be you Sidharth. Always you" she cried hugging the phone closer to her chest. She wanted to wash his pain away but she was the one who gave it to him in the first place. She hugged the phone to her chest and cuddled up in her bed closing her eyes thinking of her beautiful Sidharth.

Sidharth threw the phone away and just rubbed his face harshly. He knew he shouldn't have said that, he knew he shouldn't have called her in the first place but he did. He fell weak. He always does with her. No matter how strong or how harsh or rigid he tries to become but when it comes to her, all his strength, all his resolve, flows down in to a puddle and goes down the drain. That girl controlled his entire soul in ways that he found hard to explain. Seeing that mark on her skin, it evoked feelings and emotions inside of him that he didn't know he was capable to feel. That bright red spot on her pale skin, it aroused him. The primal feeling of marking her like that, it gave him a sense of pride. The realization that it was only him who had touched her there, and marked her like that, it satiated him. Despite all the chaos and everything going wrong, that feeling, it made his heart happy. The thought that she didn't despise that mark, the look of fear and panic in her eyes when he tried apologizing for it at his mother's place, it made him realize that she liked it too. She didn't hate him for going so harsh on her. His heart was a mess and his thoughts were wild. He did feel extremely bad for hurting her physically, but the animalistic primal instinct inside him, it soothed his broken and pained heart. He wanted to do so much more to her. He wanted to mark her as his in more ways than one. He wanted to own her. As primal it sounded, but it was what it was. This girl had his heart and soul in her palms in a way that baffled him too. all the emotions he thought he had buried long ago, she awakened them all. It was like she took them all out and breathed life in to them, and lit them on fire. Her beauty, her innocence, her beautiful heart, her simplicity, her honesty, her ability to be herself with him, it all overpowered him endlessly. He had never really seen someone like her and so when it came to her, everything about her was insanity for him. He wanted to have it all. He wanted to own it all. His eyes stung with harsh painful tears. The effect of the alcohol in his system was now probably dying down. It was his own emotions that were raging inside him and driving him mad. The pain in her voice, it stung his soul. He realized it. He had, way before but this time, he knew there was no running around it. He knew it. He knew that he had fallen madly irrevocably and insanely in love with a girl 13 years younger to him. A girl so opposite to him, so new and so different from his world. He knew that there was no going back. He loved Sana. He loved her with every fiber in his being and he could do anything in his power to push her away, but he knew, he was absolutely powerless in front of his heart and soul because those, she just owned those. He did not hold the power to push her out from those because she had just come like a storm in his life, a storm that he was absolutely not prepared for, and just owned his entire being with herself. She filled his entire being up with herself. So he knew, he was powerless in front of that little girl. She owned him, and he let her. he closed his eyes and let his tears flow down. He wanted this pain to engulf him completely because this pain was a reminder of what she was to him. He would always let her own him. He was absolutely powerless.

****
The rest of the days passed by pretty slowly and agonizingly for Sana. She was living each day like a dead robot. She would wake up in the morning, go to work, just engulf herself with all the possible work she could do, then come back home, change into her pajamas and sit in front of the TV aimlessly. She would check her phone a million times to see if he would call or message again but there was nothing, absolutely nothing. She had expected it. The loathe and anger in his voice that first night, it had let her know that she shouldn't be expecting any such thing again. She did talk to his mother once after that and just checked up on how she was doing, it made her feel a bit better. Akshay too had called her last night after quite a few days. She had hoped her mother would have told him and that's why he was calling but she was surprised to find out that he was absolutely normal. He had been travelling for work and he was giving her some space before he called her. Anger filled her entire being. She wanted to pull her hair out and kill herself. Why didn't her mother take her seriously. She had however expected this deep inside. She knew her mother would never tell Akshay on her own and instead try convincing Sana but she was still hoping that maybe for once, her mother would understand her plight. She had gotten really angry and she somehow cordially ended the call with Akshay. She had decided to take matters in her own hands now. She had decided to talk to her mother one last time and give her a chance to talk to her father and explain things to Akshay or else, she would have to do it herself and it wouldn't be nice. So she wanted her parents to do it in their way. In a way that wouldn't cause so much of damage. She however had absolutely no energy to do it right now. The conversation with Sidharth that first night, had really broken her. The anger and the finality his tone had, it scared her senseless. She just wanted to see him and just fall to his feet if she had to but she just couldn't let him walk away from her like this. She decided she wouldn't give up. She would do whatever it takes. There were still two days left before he came back. She didn't know how or when, but she just wanted her Sidharth.