Thikaana

Chapter Thirteen

Sidharth stood there, looking at her, not really understanding the reason for her sudden awkwardness & definitely not her answer. There was nothing to talk? What does she mean? Then what was the outburst she had that day just when he mentioned Akshay & what did she mean when she said that just because she's engaged to him doesn't mean she's in love with them, or how at times things aren't how they seem. What was all that about?
"Kya matlab?" he said softly, still confused, frowning slightly. Sana was very nervous suddenly. His proximity & him asking her directly about Akshay, all of a sudden made her really flustered and bothered. She didn't know what to say to him or what to tell him. of course she did say that she didn't love him, and she so badly wanted to share every little thing & detail with him, she desperately wanted to cry and pour her heart out in front of this man & hide in his arms but she didn't know how. What would she tell him when she herself didn't understand any of it. How would she tell him that she has never felt for Akshay, but despite that, she gave in to her family's wishes & accepted him as her fate. How would she tell him that she has always tried compartmentalizing this reality and trying to forget about the fact that she has to eventually go back & marry him. How would she tell him that she wanted to come here, make a name for herself, live a life independently even if it was short-lived & then go back to her true reality, be here forgetting everything about Akshay and just enjoy this time away but how would she tell him that what she had least expected, happened here. She met him. Sidharth. Who has suddenly become so important, who she wants to be selfish for and just have whatever little bit he can offer her & give to her. How was she to explain to him the chaos her mind and heart is in. she couldn't word her feelings properly so how was she to tell him all of this, how would he take it? Would he understand? She didn't even know his side of the story yet. His touch, his kisses, they had told her something he hadn't. she knew he was attracted and inclined to her but to what extent? How would he take the fact that she wants to be selfish and just live her best life here with him for this limited time? How would she even face him while saying any of this, she couldn't. she needed more clarity. She wanted to just stab herself at this point.
"Sana? Kahan kho gayi ho? Bolo na sweetheart, what do you mean there's nothing to talk, hmm?" Sidharth spoke again, this time a bit louder and shook her shoulder to bring her back from whichever daze she was in.
"Huh? Uhh.. Sidharth, mera wohi matlab hai jo mene bola. Akshay k baray mai kya bolu? There's nothing to talk. He is my fiancé and that's it" Sana whispered the last part looking away & moved from his hold, going back to the food kept on the counters. His fist clenched. The way she moved away & didn't look into his eyes & what she said about him in the end, it pinched him. it may have been a normal statement but to him at that moment, it felt as if she was trying to protect or defend Akshay in front of him & didn't consider him important enough to discuss Akshay with. Sidharth's jaw was clenching & his breathing was becoming rapid. He was constantly staring at her & she knew. Her constant fumbling with the utensils showed how incredibly scared & nervous she was because of him and he knew. He kept staring at her, waiting for her to finally stop whatever crap she was trying & talk. Sana's breaths were becoming shallow & he could see. He didn't want to scare her, in fact he wanted her to trust him enough to finish what she didn't that day & talk to him but she trying to brush the topic away was messing with his head. He stood there looking at her for a few seconds & when she didn't budge he had had enough. He harshly took whatever utensil was there in her hand and threw it on the counter, making her flinch. She was too scared. He grabbed her hand & dragged her in the lounge.
"Sidh.. Sidhaarth, aap kya kar rahay ho, mai khana garam kar rahi thi na?" she tried forming words, but her throat was parched. She barely whispered. She knew why he was mad but she was too scared, too much was at stake & she didn't have the guts to face it all, just now. reaching the sofa, he left her hand and slightly pulled on her arm making her fall back on the sofa. She kept staring at him standing tall in front of her. He had both his hands on his waist and his lips were pursed. He wasn't thinking straight, her sudden denial to talk had really caught him off guard. He hadn't expected that. He ran his fingers through his hair & finally looked down at her. She was scared like a kitten, her big eyes looking at him with fear & uncertainty. This time it felt as if she was sitting there waiting for him to notice her. He sighed & rubbed his forehead harshly.
He came forward and kneeled down in front of her taking both her hands out from her lap & holding them softly in his. She relaxed a little bit as his gaze softened.
"Sana, sweetheart it's just me. You don't have to be scared. You know you can talk to me right? I'll take care if you & I will make sure that nothing hurts you. You know that don't you?" he spoke very softly not once breaking eye contact. She was at the edge of the sofa & he was kneeled down right in front of her. His face was at her face level. She nodded softly, of course she knew that, that's why she was scared.
"Tou phir? Why are you behaving like this Sana? Uss din tu mere saamne kese royi, kitna ghussa hogayi just because I mentioned Akshay & said he would be lucky to have you as his.." he stopped at the end, she looked down not wanting to hear it.
"See? Abhi bhi you don't want me to say it out loud but yet you can't talk to me about it, han? Kyun sweetheart? Aisa kya hogaya? It's been a month since we've known one another, aur aaj tak mujhe bata, have I ever given you even one reason to not believe me?" he asked softly. She instantly looked up & into his eyes & quickly shook her head.
"Nahi Sidharth, aap pagal ho? Aisa kyun keh rahay ho? Aap ne tou sirf hamesha ab tak mujhe protect kia hai, samjahya hai, mera khayal rakha hai." She almost pouted at the end.
"Tou phir? Why can't you trust me enough then? To talk about what's bothering you?" he asked her as softly as he could. He knew she was scared & he didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. He wanted to assure her, that he will & wants to be there by her side.
"Sana, is it.. is it because of..the kisses" he whispered. She instantly gasped & shook her head again.
"Did I..make you uncomfortable..?" he whispered, scared.
"No No no. Aap ye sab mat bolo, wo..aisa kuch nahi hai. You.. I don't think you crossed any line, plus..I..i didn't say no either" she whispered looking away. She didn't know how to convey that she loved every touch from him incredibly too much. He sighed.
"Then what is it Sana, you're frustrating me. You trust me enough to let me touch you, come close to you, hold you, take care of you, but you can't trust me enough to tell me the truth and take me out of my misery, han?" his voice finally rose & she breathed in, scared. She looked up at his face & her eyes filled up seeing his stern expression & the harshness of his tone. She knew he wasn't wrong.
"What? Am I wrong? You didn't stop me from kissing you, you never had a problem with me taking care of you, being there for you tou phir iss baat mai kyun? Jo baat mere liye sab se zada bari aur important hai why are you trying to run away from that?" he stood up and turned towards the side, hand again on his waist. He was beyond frustrated at this point. He turned and faced her again.
"Weren't you the one crying in my arms that day because you didn't like that I mentioned 'Your Fiance", so ab aisa kya hogaya k uski baat bhi karne se itna ghabra rahi hai?" his voice was getting louder & she was too scared. She had no answers. She was constantly looking in her lap playing with her fingers anxiously & her eyes were blurring because of the tears blinding her. He walked towards her and harshly grabbed her chin in his fingers pulling her face up, to meet him. his jaw was clenched & his nostrils slightly flared. He looked hot & angry. Her tear filled eyes met his & he instantly softened his hold on her chin but didn't leave it.
"Bolo Sana. Answer me dammit. I bloody need to know. I am starting to care too much for you, I am willing to do everything for you, suddenly you're becoming important, your safety your happiness is becoming important. So I fucking need to know the truth. I can't keep doing this to myself." He spoke harshly looking at her face. She wanted to cry & just jump into his arms & howl.
"Sidharth? Mai kya bolu, hmm? I told you uss din, that things aren't always how they seem, didn't I? But the truth is k Akshay hai mera fiancé tou aur kya bolu mai, batao." She finally spoke. Her voice quivered. Hearing that again from her mouth fucked him up. He harshly left her chin and moved away.
"Fucking Bullshit" he gritted his teeth, running a hand in his hair harshly.
"What the fuck Sana? I fucking know that he's your bloody fiancé, I know, okay? Bur I also know that you cried in my fucking arms that day just because you didn't like me calling you his wife. Wo kya tha phir haan?" he was too mad. His eyes were splitting & turning red. She flinched at his tone & what he said. Her lips quivered while she met his gaze with her teary one.
"Speak up. What was that then hmm? Ya phir ye kahun k you like being in both places?" he lowered his voice towards the end moving slightly towards her. His expressions still hard & lips pursed. Sana looked up at that & frowned.
"Ky..Kya matlab?" she asked softly not understanding what he meant by that.
"Matlab yahi k you enjoy all the care & safety that you find here with me, you want that along with the assurance that you still have your fiancé to eventually go back to. Uss mai koi use ho tou ho, tumhe shayd usey koi farak nahi padta haina?" he tried smiling sarcastically at her towards the end, his voice spitting fire. She gasped angrily at him. how dare he say something like that? She finally stood up wiping her tears harshly & moved towards him angrily & quickly. He kept standing there with his hands on his waist looking directly at her. He knew instantly that he may have said the wrong thing, but at that point he needed answers & her silence was driving him mad. She was becoming way too important & that was scaring him senseless. She went close to him briefly looking in to his eyes for two seconds and harshly pushed him with both her hands on his chest. She pushed him as angrily as she could causing him to stumble a little. He didn't expect that.
"KYA BAKWAAS BOLI ABHI AAP NE SIDHARTH?" she screamed at him. Her voice roared & her tears constantly flowed down her eyes but she was too mad. His expression suddenly softened. He just looked at her.
"Aap ka dimagh kharab hai kya jo ye bola? Socha bhi kese ye? Itni gandi baat? Mai apko kya lagti hoon han? Sirf kyunki mai chup chaap sab sun rahi hoon, dosen't mean aap jo marzi bol do ge. Haan hoon mai chup, nahi hain kisi baat ka jawaab, Kia mene apko frustrate lekin apko lagta hai mujhe bohat maza aaraha hai ye kar k haan?" she was unstoppable, her voice was cracking towards the end but she didn't give in.
"Sach sunna hai na aap ne tou sun lo. NAHI PYAR KARTI MAI AKSHAY KO. NAHI PASAND MUJHE WO. ZABARDASTI KARAYI GAYI HAI MERI USEY SAGAI. NAHI HOON MAI KHUSH ISS RISHTE MAI LEKIN PHIR BHI MENE HAN KIYA, KYUNKI MAJBOOR THI. TAB BHI AUR AB BHI. MERE PAPAJI AUR DADAJI NE MUJHE HAZAAR KASMEIN DI, FORCE KIA MUJHE, MERI KHUSHI K LIYE KIA MENE YE RISHTA, PAR DAM GHUTHA HAI USKA SOCH KAR BHI. PHAS GAYI HOON BOHAT BURI TARAH, KISI SE KUCH KEH NAHI SAKTI KYUNKI KOI NAHI SAMJHE GA." She screamed all of it, letting her tears flow excessively & her voice cracking incredibly but she didn't care. She didn't once look away from his face & eyes. he was just, quiet. He was taking everything in, he seemed shocked & upset maybe?
"Kya karu mai bolo? Aap mile yahan aa kar, itna acha lagne laga sab kuch apke sath, aap ne itne se time mai wo sab dia jo aaj tak koi de nahi paya, tou kese jawaab deti apko, kya bolti? K I'm here trying to live this short while & take it all in because I'm trying to escape the fucking reality of my life?? Mai hoon confused, nahi samajh arahi kuch bhi, par ye hai sach meri zindagi ka k wo hai mera fiancé, phassi wi hoon mai iss rishte mai, bhaag jana chahti hoon iss sab se door, par kya karu? Aap batao? Aur aap hamesha samjhte ho, magar mere paas kuch nahi hai na samjhaane ko. Mai khud kuch samajh nahi paa rahi tou apko kya bolu? Aur aap ne ye bol dia, kitna bura sound kia wo, main ahi kar rahi apko sue sidharth" she eventually gave into her tears & cried, her voice eventually breaking. She finally stopped talking & just cried. She covered her face with both her hands & cried uncontrollably in her hands. His heart broke. He wanted her to speak up, but when she did, he couldn't take the pain his heart felt seeing this girl break down like that. He knew she wasn't happy in this relationship but what she said, he hadn't expected that. He wanted to punch himself for saying that to her but he also wanted to take it out. He just took her small crying form in and slowly moved towards her. His own form had visibly softened, he could see how broken she was & how confused she was. She was till so young & these matters were so complicated. Life is never fair but when you're faced with such complications, you don't know what to do & what not to. You can't keep a sense of right & wrong anymore. He wordlessly pulled her hands from her face pulling her towards himself and crashing her in his chest. She too wordlessly went & hid herself in his arms & kept crying. He didn't say anything & just started rubbing her back. He knew she needed to cry & take it out. He stood there quietly rubbing her back and her head simultaneously for a few minutes. His shirt was wet with her tears but her sobs had slowed down now, but still hadn't stopped.
"Bas bas bas. Shhhh, bas bacha" he finally spoke with the softest voice he could. She sobbed more hearing his voice, and pushed herself deeper in his arms. He understood she needed the comfort & so he too tightened his arms around her, hiding her completely in his arms. He kept whispering comfortable assurances every now and then not once leaving her back. After a few more minutes, he finally felt her sobs quietening. He slowly pulled her face out of his chest & looked at her beautiful face. Her face was stained with tears & her hair were stuck to her face. Her nose was red & her eyes seemed puffy. She looked so done, but so beautiful. She met his eyes & looked at him with so much vulnerability & innocence as if telling him that she wants to submit herself to him but she just doesn't know how. He wanted to melt into her seeing her face. He slowly removed her hair from her face setting it & tucking it neatly behind ears & then softly wiped her tear stained face clean. She didn't once look away neither did he. He kept holding her face like that.
"Kitna ganda bola aap ne. Kya mai apko sach mai..sach mai aisi.." she whispered, her voice beginning to crack again. His heart broke.
He harshly pulled her face up and placed a hard long kiss on her forehead, stopping her midway. She closed her eyes relishing his touch & how it soothed her broken heart.
"Shhh. Bas my love. Bas." He whispered removing his lips & looking at her again.
"I'm so sorry Sana. I'm sorry that I said that sweetheart, Mai bohat ghusse mai tha bacha, I can never think that about you. I'm sorry" he whispered back looking into her eyes, asking for her forgiveness. She nodded slowly, hiding in his chest again. She felt lighter but her mind was till chaotic, she wanted to shut it off for a while & just be in his arms. He sighed hugging her back. He kept his chin at the top of her head after placing a soft kiss on her head.
"It's ok. Mene maaf kia." She whispered, her voice muffled because of how she spoke in his chest. He softly chuckled and placed another kiss at the top of her head.
"Come here" he said taking her face out and looking at it.
"Sidharth, ab tou apko sab pata hai na? Plz hum kya hum..kuch waqt aisay acha acha nahi reh sakte? Without talking of this..it scares me..Please?" her lips quivered & she asked with so much of innocence that he wanted to put the world at her feet at that moment. He nodded at her, despite himself. He bent his face a little & placed another soft slow kiss on her jaw. She closed her eyes & held his hand that was cupping her face. He looked up at her, how her eyes were closed & how she had yet again submitted herself to him.
"Come here, let's have some water first. Teri throat is dried because of all the crying. Aur phir we'll eat. Jitna cheekhi hai na, aur do minute mai behosh ho jayegi." He said to her trying to lighten her mood up. She let out a small laugh & walked with him towards the kitchen. They re- heated the food & sat & ate most of it quietly. She kept looking at him after every few minutes & smiled just to ensure that he was there with her. He too smiled back every time but she could tell he seemed lost. He dropped her home after a while & came back. He changed & lied down on his bed with his arms on his chest. He kept staring at the ceiling, his leg constantly shaking. His mind was playing out everything in front of his eyes. he eventually stood up & went to his balcony lighting up a cigarette. He thought of everything she said, her answers were still unclear. She did tell him how she was in a forced relationship & how she was so unhappy & torn but she also said that despite it all, he still is her fiancé. What did she mean by that. Did she mean that she still couldn't leave him? He took a long puff and slowly let out the smoke through his nose. He was rubbing his chin repeatedly, not really understanding what all this meant for them. Today he had learnt, how each of her tears, how her brokenness hurt him. her tears, her vulnerability, it tore his heart. His heart cried for that baby and the situation she was in, at such a young age. But he also understood something else that night, he realized how with each passing moment, with each touch he was losing himself to her. How could he let any of this go where there was eventually a dead end. He couldn't do that to himself & to her either. She was lost & broken right now, but he? He was much older, he had already seen the other side of it all, how could he let her & himself go down that path. He kept smoking cigarette after cigarette, running his fingers through his hair harshly.
"FUCK THIS" he screamed kicking the railing harshly. He took a long breath, he had to do this. For them.