Forever (Epilouge)

159

Trigger warning this chapter.

I stood in the kitchen as I stared at the block of knives in front of me. My fingers ached to pick up one of them.

Do it.

I shook my head then turned towards the sink so I could do the dishes. I was trying to get my mind off of the voices in my head, but they were breaking through stronger than ever.

Nobody would miss you, you're useless. A burden.

I threw the bowl I was washing into the sink causing it to shatter. I slid down the counter with my hand over my eyes as I choked on the tears that were forming.

I knew I should have called Colby. I knew I should have done something.

But I didn't.

Instead I stood and went to the sink and tried to clean up the shattered bowl that was in there. I cut my hands and arms up in the process, but I didn't feel it.

I didn't feel anything.

Keep going.

I let out a shaky breath then looked down at the blood that was pooling in the sink. I dropped the piece of glass I was holding them sniffled and walked towards the bedroom.

Stop stalling.

I sniffled then walked to the bedroom and went straight to the bathroom. I looked at the tub and thought about taking a bath to try and relax.

You could drown yourself. Easily. Do it.

I shook my head then turned towards the mirror and looked at myself. I looked dead in the eyes as blood was smeared on my cheek from my hands and arms.

I looked hollow again.

I sniffled then reached for the pill bottle that had my sedatives in it.

Perfect. Take 12.

I clenched my jaw as tears filled my eyes. I felt myself blacking out as my legs carried me to the bedroom.

I opened the bottle of pills and sat on the edge the bed, staring blankly into the bottle. I wanted to down the bottle to make the voices in my head stop.

I couldn't feel any part of my body as I trembled. I watched my self bring the bottle to my lips as I heard footsteps coming towards the bedroom.

I lowered the bottle as I started to cry. "Cor?" Colby asked as I looked at the door as it opened.

"Hey! What happened?!" Colby asked as he rushed over to me, holding both sides of my face. "I want to die." I whispered as his face filled with pain, "W-what?" He asked as I cried. "I-I want to die." I sobbed out as he closed his eyes then pulled me close.

"Shhh, I'm gonna help you baby...I'm gonna help you." He whispered as I dropped the pill bottle and wrapped my arms around him, clinging onto him for dear life. "Sedate me." I wimpered as he held me tightly. "Shhh, try to relax for me. It's okay, baby girl." He said as I sobbed into his chest.

"Please sedate me. Please." I begged as hot tears fell down my cheek. "You didn't take any of the pills already?" He asked as I shook my head. "N-no. Please let me sleep. I-I'm gonna hurt myself." I sobbed as he smoothed my hair down.

"Shhhhhhh, you're not. You're safe. I'm gonna keep you safe." Colby said as he lifted me up and sat on the bed so I would be in his lap.

"You're okay." He cooed as he held me tightly, letting me just sob into his chest.

See how much you're hurting him? He's better off without you.

I tensed at the words that were bouncing around in my head. "Easy, baby. Whatever you're thinking it's not true." Colby said quietly as he held me tighter, cradling my head to his chest.

I cried for a while before Colby picked me up and carried me to the bathroom. He sat me on the counter then turned the faucet on for the tub so I could take a bath.

"I-I'm gonna h-hurt myself." I whispered as he shook his head. "No, you won't." He said then put lavender soap in the tub. I watched him as he came over and pulled my shirt off, "I'm not gonna let anything  happen to you." He said and pulled his shirt off.

Before I could say anything he was lifting me up then laid me in the tub. Once I was in the tub he stepped in, positioning himself behind me so he could just hold me.

"I-I'm s-sorry." I whispered as he held me tightly. "Shh, you're okay. I'm right here." He cooed and held me tightly.

"Did something happen to trigger this?" Colby asked quietly after a couple minutes. "N-no." I whispered as he washed the dried blood from my hands and arms. "Okay, are you feeling a little better?" He asked as I shrugged.

"What's wrong with me?" I asked quietly as he grabbed the washcloth and got it wet she he could wipe the blood from my face. "Nothing is wrong with you sweetheart, you're okay." He cooed and kissed my head.

"A-are you gonna take me to the crazy doctor?" I mumbled as he shook his head. "I'm gonna give you one if your pills, then I'm gonna schedule an appointment with Emily." He explained as he wrapped his arms tightly around me again. "You deserve better." I mumbled as he kissed my head.

"Don't talk like that. You're the best thing to ever happen to me." He said as I hid my face in his chest. "I'm crazy." I whispered as he rested his cheek on my head. "No, you're not. Stop being so hard on yourself, love." He said as I finally relaxed into him a little more.

We sat in the tub together for a while until Colby felt I was relaxed enough. He helped me get to the closet so I could get changed, then helped me get into the bed. "Do you want some tea?" He asked as I shook my head.

"Don't leave me." I whispered as he nodded. "I'm not going anywhere." He said then started cleaning up the pills that I had spilled earlier.

"I'm sorry." I said as he shook his head. "Stop apologizing, sweetheart." He said then stood up straight, walking over to me. "I'll be right back. I'm just gonna get you some water so you can take the pill." He explained as I shook my head.

"D-don't leave me." I said as he cupped my cheek gently. "I'm just going into the bathroom and back. I promise I won't even be gone a minute." He said as I nodded slowly. "Okay." I said as he nodded then turned to jog into the bathroom.

He was back within a couple seconds with a paper cup of water. "Okay, love." He said then handed me the pill and cup of water.

I nodded then took the pill and swallowed it with some water. "Lay with me please." I begged as he smiled softly as he took the cup and put it on the table next to me.

Colby climbed into bed with me and held me close as I started to feel the effects of the pill. It was always a scary experience when the pill would take effect.

It felt like I was losing a sense of reality,  as if I wasn't even in my body. It felt like I could see myself  losing consciousness which was a weird feeling.

I whimpered as Colby held me tightly to his chest. "M-make it stop." I whispered as he scratched my back. "You're doing great baby, you're okay." He encouraged as I trembled into him.

I could feel the world caving in around me as all my senses slowly started going away. "I love you so much, sweetheart." Colby cooed as he held me and scratched my back. I wanted to respond but the pill was going into the full effect.

As I started drifting off I thought about how lucky I was to have Colby in my life. A normal guy would run for the hills if their wife was half as fucked up as me.

Colby on the other hand was always understanding and comforting. I knew he was probably scared finding me the way he did, but he didn't run. He didn't ship me off to some crazy person hospital.

He just held me and told me everything would be alright.

He was the best husband ever.