Forever (Epilouge)

175

"Thanks for the ride, dad." I said as I carefully pulled Olivia out of the car. "You're welcome, squirt. Just let me know if you need anything okay?" Dad asked as Colby brought Mia inside. "I will. I love you." I said then rocked Olivia as she fussed in my arms.

"Love you too, sweetie." He said as I turned to go into the house. "Cor?" He called out as I chewed my lip and turned towards him. "I'm proud of you." He said as I let out a breath. "Thank you." I breathed out then went inside.

I was sick of people telling me they were proud of me. I was sick of people celebrating my return from the mental hospital.

I didn't deserve any of it.

I still felt horrible that I had to go in the first place. Colby and the girls were the ones who people should be proud of. They were so much stronger than I would ever be.

"Come on, sweet pea." I mumbled as I walked towards the nursery. It felt weird getting back into the routine of life after being away for so long. It felt weird walking down the hallway with Athena following as Olivia slept soundly in my arms.

I shouldn't be here. I should be at the hospital.

I shivered at the thought as I laid Olivia down. "Goodnight sweet pea, I'll see you tomorrow." I whispered then leaned down and kissed her cheek before walking out of the nursery.

As I walked down the hallway I took in my surroundings. It had been so long since I walked down this hallway. It had been so long since I was allowed to walk down any hallway without someone with me.

I looked at the pictures we had hanging up on the walls. They ranged from Colby and I's wedding pictures to Mia's birthday parties, there were even a couple from the day Olivia was born.

I never took the time to look at these pictures, when I knew I should have. Life is too precious to not stop and look around.

"You okay?" Colby asked quietly as he walked up to me. I was tracing my finger along a picture that we took on Mia's first birthday. Colby was holding her in his lap while I had my arms wrapped around his neck smiling widely at the camera.

We looked so happy.

"Yeah." I said quietly then turned towards the bedroom. I couldn't shake the feeling of dread and anxiety that was floating around me as Colby followed me into the bedroom.

"Talk to me, Cor." Colby said as I walked to my suitcase and opened it so I could unpack and get ready for bed. I noticed my hands were shaking as I reached for the zipper. "I'm tired." I said quietly then brought my sleeve to my mouth so I could chew on it.

"Bullshit." Colby said then reached over and took my free hand. "Talk to me." He repeated as I sighed. "I just want to be happy." I admitted as he nodded. "I know. I want you to be happy too, baby. That's why I'm not gonna stop fighting until you are. I'm not giving up on you." He said with so much determination that my eyes started to water.

"Y-you deserve better." I whispered as he shook his head then grabbed both sides of my face. "I never want to hear you talk down to yourself again. You deserve so much happiness and love and there's nobody in the world that I want more than you." He said and looked into my eyes as tears trickled down my cheeks.

"B-but-" I started to cry out as he shook his head. "No. Whatever you're about to say about yourself is wrong." He said as I nodded and leaned down to rest my head on his chest.

"Let's get you to bed, okay? It's been a long day." He said then kissed my head as he just held me close. I missed being in his arms when I was feeling like this. When he wasn't with me I would just scream and sob until the thoughts and anxiety went away. I felt safe and loved in his arms though.

We got into the bed a couple minutes later and Colby pulled me into his chest. I sighed with content as I looked up at him. "Wake me up if you're having a hard time." He said as I nodded then kissed his jawline. "I love you." I said as he smiled and kissed my head. "I love you more." He said as I snuggled into his chest again.

It surprisingly didn't take long for me to fall asleep in Colby's arms. I also surprisingly didn't dream, I was just fully at peace until the sun came up.

"Mommyyyyyy!! Daddyyyyy!!" Mia squealed as she ran into the room and jump onto the bed as Colby instinctively tightened his arms around me. "Hi, sweet girl." I said then rolled over so I could face her.

"Hi mommy! Can we have an adventure day? I missed you SOOOO much!" She exclaimed as Colby rolled out of bed to get Olivia. I felt my heart race slightly at the idea of going out and doing things like normal. I don't think I'm ready for that.

"Umm..I'm not sure what we are doing today. We will have to see what daddy has planned." I said and laced my fingers through her hair. "Okayyy." She sighed out as Colby came into the room with Olivia in his arms.

"Daddy, what are we doing today? I want to hang out with mommy." Mia said as Colby grinned. "Hmmm well, what would mommy like to do?" He asked and laid back in the bed as Olivia reached for me.

"Oh! Uh...I'm not sure." I said and cuddled the girls. "How about some pancakes?" Colby asked hopefully as my stomach flipped. "Yes!! Pancakes!!" Mia exclaimed as Olivia giggled. "Pancakes it is." I said with a small smile.

"Yayyyy!!" Mia squealed as she got out of the bed. "Is that okay?" Colby asked quietly as I got out of bed with Olivia in my arms. "I'm gonna try." I said with a small smile as he smiled widely. "That's my girl." He said as we made our way to the kitchen.

"Mama." Olivia said as I strapped her into her little swing. "Yes, Livvy?" I asked as she smiled up at me. "I love you too." I said then turned to Mia and Colby. I painted a smile on my face as they got the ingredients out.

"Mommy, do you want choccy chips?" Mia asked as I grinned. "Do YOU want choccy chips?" I asked as Colby turned on some music. "Yeah.." she said as I chuckled. "Okay, we can have choccy chips then." I said as Colby took my hands and started dancing with me.

"What are you doing?" I asked with a laugh as he dipped me. "Dancing." He said simply then pulled me up and swayed with me as both Mia and Olivia giggled. I shook my head then turned to get the ingredients.

We spent the next half hour or so making the pancakes. I tried to keep the smile on my face for the sake of the girls, but I could feel the anxiety bubbling up with every minute. It made me sad that I couldn't enjoy the time with my family that I had been begging for for weeks.

It wasn't fair.

I felt my jaw start to quiver as the overwhelming feeling overcame me. I was proud of myself for making it so long but I needed to get myself together again.

"I-I'm gonna go shower." I said and brushed my hands on my pants. "Okay, mommy!" Mia said happily as Colby looked at me cautiously. I smiled at him reassuringly then turned towards the bedroom.

I kept my composure until I got to the bathroom, then I let myself cry out of the anxiety. I started counting in my head, willing myself to relax a little bit. "You can do this, Cor." I mumbled to myself as I turned the shower on.

I hated that this was my life for the time being. I hated that I couldn't just be happy.

I turned towards the pill bottle that was on the counter that had my antidepressants on it. I hated taking them, because they made me feel just a little numb.

I took the pill then took a quick shower, which calmed me down sufficiently. When I went back to the kitchen Colby was spinning around with the girls in his arms. I smiled and bundled my sleeves in my hands, watching them as they all laughed.

I didn't know what I did to deserve such an amazing and supportive family, but I was never going to take it for granted ever again.