Wonderland // McFly

My Mind's About to Overload

January 11, 2011

Of course, I had forgiven Harry long ago, but a lot had happened since the accident.

Dougie and Frankie broke up just before Christmas. They'd dated for almost a year and I only met her once, so I guess that has to say something about their relationship. The other three boys, who had spent a bit more time around her said that they weren't crazy about her and their relationship had been weird. Dougie wasn't acting very sad about the breakup, but he had been acting really weird. I guess everything about the situation was just...weird.

Harry had held out with his sobriety, even through Christmas, and I was starting think this might actually last forever. He had also started going to the gym a lot. He says he wants to be in the London Marathon next year, but we'll see about that.

Harry's hand had healed completely and we both had our stitches taken out. His scar wasn't as bad as mine, but that's probably because mine went through my eyebrow, so it was more noticeable.

I'm currently on my last week of wearing my collarbone sling. I'm at that part of wearing a cast where you're basically completely healed and not in pain anymore, but you still have to wear the cast a little longer and it's just annoying. I never realized how much I used my right arm until I couldn't.

Last week, the boys and Fletch had gone away with a professional camera crew for about a week to film a short film to promote their album. Instead of doing a bunch of small music videos, they wanted to do a whole cinematic. I couldn't go, since I wouldn't have been much help with a broken arm, but everyone seemed pretty excited about it. Only problem: it's about vampires. So cringe.

But whatever helps sell the album, I suppose.

Today was the first day of tour rehearsals. Tour starts in April, but the boys also needed to practice older songs, so we thought it would be best to start early.

Before today, they'd mostly been doing press, which is easy for me, since I just have to accompany them to the interviews and such, but having tour rehearsals with one working arm was going to be difficult.

First off, I was late going in this morning because I couldn't get all my stuff together fast enough. Also, Fletch had rented a new studio that was bigger for the boys to rehearse in, which was going to be a big change, since they'd been using the same studio for seven years.

When I finally did get in, the boys had already started rehearsing.

"I'm sorry I'm late!" I call, dropping most of the things I was juggling in my left hand.

"Um, that's alright." Danny says. I turned, and all the boys were looking at me like I was a hot mess.

Which I was.

"Lilly, do you think it's possible you go down to the lobby and get us coffees? We're really tired, and there's a coffee machine down there." Tom says. I know he's giving me an easy job because he feels bad, but I'll take it, since I'm already breaking a sweat from just getting inside. I nod.

"Right. Sure. Be right back." I say, leaving.

I get to the lobby, and sure enough, there's a bunch of fancy drink makers and such. I make four coffees and look around for a drink tray, only to find nothing. This is crazy! How do they not supply this place with drink trays? Don't they consider a person with a broken collarbone might have to get multiple coffees?

I guess that is rather specific...

I scoff and pick up one of the coffees, walking back to the studio. I knock on the door spilling a little coffee as I do. Dougie answers, his bass still strapped around him.

"Are we all supposed to share that?" He says, pointing to the single coffee in my hand. He'd been acting clueless lately.

"No." I say, rolling my eyes. "But if you haven't noticed I'm not equipped to carry four drinks." I gesture to my broken arm. He squints.

"They don't have drink trays?" He asks in disbelief.

"Right?" I affirm.

"I'll help you, Lilly." I hear from behind Dougie. Tom walks out to join me. I probably should tell him it's fine and that he should practice, but I wasn't going to deny myself of the help right now.

We walked down to the lobby together, but before I could grab the drink, he stopped me.

"I actually wanted to talk to you quickly." He says.

"Is this about Dougie being out of it lately? I know it's hard but it's probably just because of Frankie-" I start.

"No, no, it's not that." Tom says. "Although he was late today. Arrived just before you. But no, I wanted to talk to you about...well about me."

"Oh." I say. I was perplexed. "What's going on?"

"Well, before I tell you, I haven't told this to anyone else yet, except for Gi, so don't tell the guys. I will tell them, just not right now. Not with you and Harry recovering and Dougie having trouble." He says.

"Okay." I say.

"You know how I sometimes get...well, Harry calls it 'moody.'" He says. I think of how depressed Tom seemed on the Wonderland tour, and even lately as Above the Noise was being released. It also reminded me of the bickering that would take place between him and Harry.

"Yes." I say.

"It's a lot worse than I let everyone know." He says looking down.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"I thought it was apart of having such a crazy lifestyle. When you have a number one album, the highs feel so high that you feel like you'll never come down, but then you do, and it's really bad." Tom says. He looks to the corner now. Anything to avoid my eyes. "Some days it's so hard to get out of bed. Sometimes it's so hard I don't. I just lay in bed all day, upset."

I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what, and I felt I should let Tom get everything out of his system first.

"Gi told me she was worried and she made me go to the doctor. They told me it...I... could be bipolar."

I didn't know much about mental health. I knew it was common for Danny to get nervous before interviews a lot, and I knew Harry got angry very easily, but that was the extent.

"I-I'm sorry." Is all I can manage to say. Tom looks confused.

"Why?" He asks.

"I never knew. I wish I had. I probably couldn't have done much, but I would have tried." I say. Tom shakes his head.

"It's no one's fault. They gave me this medicine and some special music tapes I'm supposed to listen to at night, since I have trouble falling asleep. It should help." He says.

"That's good, right?" I ask.

"I think so." He says. "I've felt a little better. But I'm also worried. This medicine is supposed to take away the awful lows, but what if it takes away the feeling of amazing highs too? I don't want to lose those." He says. I take a step closer and smile.

"Tom...no one can take that away from you. Those highs are triggered by all the amazing things you do. If you continue to do those things that make you happy, nothing in this world will be able to take that feeling away from you." I say. He smiles a little, finally looking in my eyes.

"Thanks Lilly."

"How do you feel...now?" I ask.

"I'm okay." He nods. "I feel okay."

"Sometimes okay is enough." I say.

"Yeah. It is."

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