Wonderland // McFly

Don't Throw it Away

January 3, 2010

Since coming back to the UK, two more songs had been finished for album five, bringing the song count up to eight. It wasn't enough for an album, but it was a start.

Dallas had arrived Yesterday, and the plan was that we would all stay at Tom's house for two days for a big writing session. I thought that I was going to have two days off, but Fletch told me he'd give me a bonus if I stayed so he wouldn't have to, so I took him up on the offer.

Also, Harry and Izzy had talked, and gotten back together. He had told her that she was the most important thing to her, and if they loved each other they shouldn't let anything get in the way.

Wonder where he got those words...

But I was really happy everything had worked out and they were happy. That's all that mattered.

Yesterday, Dallas took the boys out and I refused to go. I didn't like Dallas. It probably didn't have anything to do with his personality and just had to do with the fact that he had replaced Jason. Of course, that wasn't his fault.

When we all arrived, I was formally introduced to Dallas, who had brought multiple bottles of vodka with him.

Wonderful.

For the first few hours, there was just a lot of sitting around. The boys drank, and so did Dallas (I declined) and I really didn't have anything to do. I was hoping Gi would be there, but she was staying at Harry and Izzy's with Izzy and Georgia for a girls weekend. If it wasn't for my job I'd be there too.

They talked about all things I didn't care about. Their love lives, Dougie's new car (he upgraded from an Audi Q6 to a Q7) and the shenanigans that took place in Atlanta. I wanted so badly to tell them to get to work, but I had promised it to myself that I would stop doing their worrying.

Plus, Dallas intimidated me. He was one of those people that didn't take no for an answer. I hated that.

They were chatting and Dougie was on his phone when Harry leaned over his shoulder.

"Who are you texting?" Harry asks him. Dougie immediately moves away and hides his phone screen from Harry.

"Nobody." He says quickly.

"That's a lie." Harry smiles evilly.

"Come on then, Dougie. Who is it?" Tom asks, joining in.

"It's no big deal guys."

Just then, Harry grabs Dougie's phone while Danny and Tom hold Dougie down.

"Hey!" Dougie calls, trying to bite Tom's hand.

"Frankie Sandford?" Harry asks.

"Frankie from The Saturdays?" Danny asks.

"'I had fun last week'?" Harry asks, reading Dougie's texts. "Have you been seeing Frankie from The Saturdays?" Danny and Tom are too interested in what Harry is dishing, that their grip on Dougie doesn't hold, and he runs up to Harry, grabbing his phone.

"Maybe." Dougie says.

"Dougie that's awesome." Danny smiles. "Good on you, Mate!"

"Thanks. But it's not super public yet, so don't say anything." Dougie replies.

"How did you guys meet?" Tom asks.

"At a bar a few months ago. The details are...fuzzy." Dougie laughs, looking back down at his phone. The boys continue to converse about Dougie's new girlfriend, and I couldn't help but get lost in thought.

I know Dougie and I had been broken up for quite a while, and I was happy for him. I wanted him to be happy. It was just weird to think about. I remember, when we were in Australia, I told Dougie that we could still say we loved each other because one day in the future, the way we said it would turn platonic. If I told Dougie I loved him now, he wouldn't mean it in the way he had back then. The way I do now. But it was alright. It would be alright.

At least, that's what I'm telling myself.

************************

The day had not been easy. The boys were having a hard time writing, and no songs had been finished thus far.

I was just trying to keep myself occupied for as long as possible, and before I knew it, it was three in the morning.

I was in the kitchen, alone, sitting on the counter with my laptop open, nesting a cup of tea in my hands. I closed my laptop, put the mug down and hopped off the counter. When I made it to the living room, Dallas was nowhere to be found, but Harry and Danny were passed out on the couch.

I was about to check upstairs, but when I walked past the front door, I felt a cool breeze coming in. A window adjacent to the front porch was open, and before I could close it, I saw Tom and Dougie standing on the porch, holding bottles of beer.

I shouldn't listen in.

What am I talking about? Yes I should.

I stopped, hiding behind the wall nearest to the door, just next to the window.

"Mate, fuck it." Dougie says in an exhausted voice. "Let's just do one more album and then call it quits. One more for the fans, and that'll be it. Over."

I felt my heart stop.

Then I felt it break.

It was true, life existed before McFly. But I was certain it would cease to exist after.

From day one, I've talked about how the boys never followed any rules. But that's not true. There's one rule they never broke. It was the number one rule: They had to stick together. No matter what.

Dougie just broke that rule.

I quickly came to the conclusion, even though I was absolutely gutted, that if Dougie didn't want to be in McFly, nobody could keep him in it. And it's not to say I didn't understand where he was coming from. It must have been exhausting for the past five years to write songs, put out albums, do press and go on tour over and over and over again. I was exhausted from just tagging along for the ride. But this was the dream he signed up for. If Dougie really did want to quit, McFly would die, because that band was defined precisely by Tom Fletcher, Danny Jones, Harry Judd and Dougie Poynter. Without one of the four, they weren't McFly...they were just another band.

But that wasn't actually the biggest issue at hand, was it? The biggest issue at hand was, why was Dougie telling Tom?

Everything McFly is, was or will be started in Tom Fletcher. McFly wouldn't exist without Tom. What the boys were to me, this band was to Tom.

He was Mr. McFly himself.

Dougie and Tom were best mates. They understood each other as outcasts in a way 'sports team Danny' and 'prep school Harry' couldn't. They always made each other laugh and gave each other a shoulder to cry on...so why would Dougie say something he knew would hurt Tom so badly?

Did he want to hurt Tom?

What the hell was wrong with him?

Just then, Tom turned away from Dougie and calmly walked inside. When he closed the front door behind him, he bolted upstairs, and as soon as I was sure he wouldn't notice me, I followed him.

He locked himself in the toilet and through the door, I could hear him crying his eyes out.

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