Wonderland // McFly

Change The World Forever

February 7, 2005

All the boys went right to bed after we got to the band house and I was too nervous to go home. I'd never seen any of the boys act like that. Even when Danny practically broke his nose nobody cried, other than me, on the inside.

I sat in the recliner in the living room thinking about what happened. I knew that what the boys saw in Africa would be life changing, even for people like Danny and Dougie who come from broken homes, but I never expected this to be the reaction.

To be completely honest, I begin to feel guilty. The boys just got back from Africa and here I am wanting to tell them about my date.

I woke up, and immediately realized I had fallen asleep,which I hadn't planned to do.

I quickly rush up the stairs. I don't know what I thought the boys would do, but I was afraid one of them would do something radical from the change they had clearly been through.

But, I must say, when I opened Harry's door, and saw him still fast asleep, I was relieved.

Of course, to be safe, i went into Danny and Dougie's rooms too, only to see them asleep as well. I slowly made my way up the stairs to the attic into Tom's room.

When I got to Tom's room, however, he wasn't asleep.

Tom was in bed staring at his ceiling, just blinking, and it haunted me a little, because it was like I could see into Tom's mind for a minute, and I knew it wasn't pretty.

"Tom?" I whispered. I knew none of the other boys would be able to hear me because I was in the attic, but I didn't want to take any chances. I just wanted them to sleep as long as possible.

Tom sat up a little, looked at me and sunk back down into his bed.

"Hey Lilly." Tom said quietly. I made my way into his room and sat on the edge of his bed. About a minute later he looked over at me. "I couldn't sleep."

"Yeah, I figured." I say. He sighs.

"You wouldn't believe it Lilly. It was horrible. Really, really bad." He says, looking at the ceiling again. I didn't know what to say to him. I couldn't tell him that I understood because the problem was, Tom didn't understand. I lay down next to Tom and pull his white duvet over me and stare at the ceiling, thinking maybe, somehow this could help me understand.

"Thinking about it makes me kind of nauseous. You know what the worst part about it was, Lilly?" Tom asked.

"What?" I whispered, beginning to feel nauseous myself.

"When we were leaving, all these young kids came over to us and started crying. The guys all looked at me, like, for an answer. And then they started begging us to take them with us. To get them out of this hell that they were trapped in...and I couldn't do shit. They just whisked me away on a stupid truck and expected me to forget what just happened. I don't know how I'll ever be able to write a song again. Not with their cries in my ears all the time."

"That sound will go away one day, Tom." I say.

"How could you know?" Tom asks me.

"Quite a while ago I went through something...something similar. For days I heard one sound. The sound of screams...so loud I thought they were behind me. I thought they would never go away... that I was destined to live my life listening to the screams all the time. Then one day, I woke up and they were gone."

"Why?" Tom asked, looking at me.

"Why what?" I ask him.

"Why did you hear those screams?" He asks.

"I don't know." I lie.

"What if I don't want to forget?" Tom asks.

"What do you mean?" I ask him.

"If I forget, it's like I'm leaving all these kids in Africa and what I did there means nothing." He says.

"Tom, if you want to help all those little kids, then help them, but don't have the sad stuff stuck in your head. Fix it." I say, and he looks at me confused. "You are much more than a boy in a band. You're a person in this world and you have a voice. Use it." I say.

"How?" Tom asks.

"How you always do." I say. "Sing." And then, Tom smiles, and I feel remarkably better. "I'm going to make you and the other lazy bones breakfast." I say, getting up.

"Thanks Lil, but count me out. I still feel a little nauseous." He says.

"You're probably hungry." I say heading down to the kitchen.

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When I finishing cooking, Danny, Dougie and Harry make their way downstairs in a heard and begin filling plates.

"Save some for Tom!" I warn.

"The early bird gets the worm." Harry says. I roll my eyes and head upstairs.

"Tom! Come downstairs! The boys are eating all the food!" I say, climbing up the attic stairs. No reply. "Seriously Tom, you need to eat something!" I say, but when I get to Tom's room it's empty.

I hear a moan coming from inside Tom's bathroom

"Tom?" I ask from outside the door, but once again there is no reply. "Tom?" I ask again getting nervous. "Tom, if you don't answer me I'm going to come in!" I warn.

But once again, there is no reply. I feel my heart race speed up.

"I'm coming in Tom." I say. I open the door to find Tom on the floor leant over the toilet.

"I think I need to go to the hospital." He says.

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