The blonde & The bad

Chapter thirty

Now I think I have accepted it, I know what happened. Damon didn’t deserve to die, and especially not because he drove into some stupid deer and crashed down a clough. But then again nobody deserves to die. And as much as you want it to be different, it’s not up to you. You can’t decide who lives and who doesn’t. It may not make any sense to you, but it’s not supposed to make any sense. Death is a pain that can’t be undone, it’s something that can’t be explained, it’s something that leaves a complete and utterly ridiculous hole in someone’s life, it’s something that needs to be dealt with and everybody needs to do that on their own way.

My phone rang again and I snapped back into the real world, I looked at the screen that light up. Hugh it said and I let out a deep sigh, pushing myself up from the bed. I was not going to answer, because I had nothing to tell.

I walked down the stairs slowly and opened the front door, I looked at the slightly snowed driveway as a shiver ran over my body. I sat down on the steps of the porch and looked at the familiar car standing by the road.

“Did you love him?” Guy was sitting on the bench in the corner, but I didn’t look up to him.

“I don’t know anymore. At the moments I was with him, I truly believed it. But now knowing those moments will never be again, doubt sets in. Maybe I was just in love with the idea of being loved.” I pulled my knees up and started hugging them.

“He was like a brother to me, it just makes me so angry to know that he drove into a stupid deer and then a clough. Just a goddamn deer is the reason why he’s dead.” He stood up from the bench and walked over to sit down next to me.

“I just feel like I’m being punished over and over again.” I laid my head on his shoulder and for the first time I looked at him. He looked tired but there was something new in his face, something warm. An instant feeling of butterflies ran through my body. I had hoped my feelings for Guy would have fade away, but I missed him. I missed his stupid remarks every day, I missed how he smirked at me, I missed the touch of his lips, I just missed him.

“You know what the worst part of it all was?” I shook my head into his shoulder and waited for the rest. “Seeing you in tears, the way you cared about him. It made me wonder if you would ever have that for me, but I realized I’m not worth it. I’m no good for you and that only made things harder for me. Because even after not seeing you for over a month, I continued falling for you.” The first tear of the day slipped out and it was like the cloud in my brain finally went away.

“stop it.” I said, feeling more pain than I have had this day. I knew that the feelings I had for Guy were stronger than for Damon, but I didn’t gave into them. It was the only thing I had been certain about from the beginning and still am, but then I was afraid of the pain he would bring. Know I know better.

“I bring problems.” I added, whispering.

“That’s why you’re so perfect for me, that is why I see us as a rainy day.” I frowned and let out a little chuckle. “We’re those days when everything inside feels so cozy and safe, besides the troubles going on you feel happy. But when the troubles start getting worse, you give up and you decide it’s no fun. You don’t want to go outside in the rain because it’s annoying, but you know that when you think about it-“ He grabbed my hands as he paused “You love it.” He softly squeezed my hand as he stared ahead.

“The problem with you is, that you’re this big mystery. You want to know everything and you love the thrill of getting closer to the truth, but you don’t know what will happen when you find the truth. So you’re scared and you chose a saver way.” I looked back at Guy, knowing he was right. I chose the safe way.

“You should go.” I stood up and walked to the door.

“My biggest secret is that I’m afraid of you, because you’ve got me falling. Most of the time I wonder why you. I mean, you’re so beautiful and when you smile you light up my whole world. And when you laugh I get these strange nauseating tingles in my stomach, and those moments when you say my name I just want to record it so I could listen to it every day. But still you’ve gone through so much, you look at the world from a whole other perspective. I’m no good for you, you deserve so much more. You deserve someone that can make you smile, someone who will keep you in his arms every night, someone who’ll love you till the end of time. I know that I can’t give you that, I know that we were never meant to be. So I wonder why I have these feelings for you, why the world puts me through the misery of knowing we could never be together. It just sucks, it messes with my brain.” He sighed and didn’t move from his seat on the edge of the porch. I looked at him and when he angled his head just a bit towards me, I could see a single tear rolling down his cheek.

“I just think I love you, Jamey.” I could see him bite his cheek when he said it, those words hit me like lightning.

“Don’t.” I whispered as I laid my hand on the door knob, I wanted to open the door and walk into my house. Leave Guy behind so I could focus on the future, but when I heard him stand up I turned to look at him. I looked into his lost soul, the brokenness in them made a tear slip out.

“I ask for those feelings to go away, every single day. But they won’t, because you’re too perfect to let go. So whatever you decide now, just know that I won’t let you go. One day, Jamey-Moon, I’ll be able to call you mine.” I nodded at him, wanting it to be true. But for the second time with him, I chose the safe way.

 “Sometimes you think you're in love, but when someone relies on you to complete their brokeness. You may realize, that what you felt was not the love you thought it was.” I looked at him and felt the urge to hug him, but I kept strong. "Goodbye Guy." I walked into my house and closed the door. It was the aching of my heart that made me slam my head to the door, it was the emptiness inside of me that made a tear slip out. And when I let myself fall to the floor I knew that I had just said goodbye to the only thing I ever really wanted, Guy. 

THE END