The blonde & The bad

Chapter twenty-four

“Okay, Jamey you can do this. If he’s there, just kick him out without looking at him.” I took in a deep breath, pushed my door open and flicked the lights on. It was empty, the windows closed, my closet door closed and my bed untouched. I let out my breath and jumped on my bed, making a snow angel in my blankets.

“Isn’t it great to have a night, with no guys asking for your attention?” I said to myself. Through the years I developed a habit of talking to myself as soon as I was completely alone, I had missed it. I had missed me.

“What to do now?” I pushed myself up, looked around my room and realized something. I never had a life, only two weeks ago had my life started. But there had to be something I could do on my own. I stood up, opened my laptop and stared at the screen without turning the laptop on. I closed the thing again and walked over to my closet, I opened the doors and stared at the mess.

“I could clean it up, make a system or something.” I shook my head.

“What the fuck, Jay, that’s against your principals.” I bit my lips and closed my closet again as I let out a deep sigh.

“There has got to be a way to entertain myself.” I opened the room that led to the hallway, looked around and stepped back into my room again.

“Or you could go for a run.” Ah yes I made up my mind, I opened my closet again pulled out my running clothes and started undressing. It could do me good, empty my mind a bit. I pulled the black tights over my butt, put on my sports bra and let myself drown in Hugh’s big blue shirt. He gave it to me the first day I was home with them, he said that it was his lucky shirt since then I wore them every time I went to do something that made me stronger. Like exercising. I put on my socks when I heard a soft thud against my window.

“Don’t tell me it just started raining.” I looked towards the window, stared at it for a minute but shook it off when I saw the sky was clear. I ran down the stairs and grabbed my shoes from the shoe cabinet under the staircase.

“Going for a run.” I laced the shoes as I waited for an answer.

“Kay, don’t get lost.” I rolled my eyes and stood up.

“I could never.”  I yelled back and started my way towards the door, a cold breeze rushed against my bare skin and goose bumps emerged. I debated about putting a jacket on before I opened the door completely.

“I have been throwing rocks at your window for almost fifteen minutes now, I gave up and started calling you. Nothing. So now I’m sitting here, waiting for a sign of life.” Damon was sitting on the steps of our porch and without turning around to look who it was, he started talking. Just when I found a way to entertain myself.

“How did you know it was me?” He laughed, stood up and turned towards me.

“I could feel your aura.” His smirk was teasingly mixed with a little bit sweetness. “I heard you yell to your dads you were going for a run.” His hair was still neatly combed up.

“You know I really like your new hair.” I stepped down the steps and walked down the drive towards the sidewalk.

“I never really did something with my hair, but for some reason I woke up way too early this morning. Thought I could use the time to create something new, I think I did okay.” He walked besides me, his hands in his pockets.

“Look, Damon, I really like spending time with you, but it’s getting riskier with every day. Especially when you show up at my house like that.” I looked down at the ground, we were still walking in a normal pace as a warm up is important for a good run.

“I wanted to take you out to a special place, for a special night. ” I snapped my head up and looked at him, he was staring at our feet his cheeks flushed a little bit rose-colored. I smiled and when he looked up with his rose-colored cheeks to look at me, I got that feeling in my stomach. That same feeling I had when I saw Guy today.

“How about tomorrow night? I’ll be all yours.” I said, accelerating my pace bit by bit.

“Fine, I’ll pick you up at six?” I thought about what Marc said.

“Six? Isn’t that a bit too early? I mean you said night.” I crossed the road and he still followed me.

“Well it’s a long drive, don’t want anyone to see us.” I stopped, looked at the entrance of the forest in front of me.

“What about we grab something to eat on the road, so you can just take me with you from school.” I turned around facing him. He nodded and I gave him a small kiss on his cheek, running into the forest before he could do anything.

I had some trouble finding the right pace at the start but I managed to continue, the last time I ran through this forest was the start of it all. How would my life be if I didn’t ran into Guy? I wouldn’t have had to go to Daniel and the other girls to hide for him, maybe Damon wouldn’t even be into me. Then it hit me, what if Damon is only doing this to get to Guy? I mean don’t all boys do that, just to spice up their lives a bit. Oh god that’s horrible. Oh god why did that popped into my mind? I’m one of those girls who, once they have something on their mind, don’t forget things.

It are always those thoughts I regret, but believe. Those thoughts that fuck your mind up so bad, you somehow can’t remember the good things about people anymore. Like now, if I don’t tell myself the good things Damon did for me I could easily fall for my bad thoughts and everything we went through will be gone.

I’ll forget how he was the first one who got a secret out of me, how he gave me a safe feeling and how every time he touched me I got tingles all through my body.

But maybe this was good, thinking this way. It could be an unaware but important defense mechanism I have built through the years. It could save me from the pain that comes with some people, it could save me from losing my mind all again and most of all it could save others from getting too attached to me. I can’t fool anybody, I’m a danger. I hurt people and I put the people I care about most in danger. And as bad as I would like to believe that I’m a danger to people, I can’t.

I mean how would you feel if your conscience tells you it’s better to leave everyone behind, because you might hurt them? It may sound like the smartest thing to do, but it’s scary. Actually it’s scaring as hell. You’ll hurt yourself, because you’re too afraid. You’ll hurt them, because maybe they really do need you in their lives. You can’t just assume that you only do them pain, you also have to remember the laughs you shared. You can’t just let everything go, because something might happen. You have to stay, because something is happening. And the thing that is happening is, love. The moment you start caring about a person so much you know you can’t leave them, it’s because somewhere in your heart you have love for that person. And once you have love for a person, it’s not their heart you’re breaking, it’s your heart that you’re breaking.

And as life gets more complicated, the people you have in your heart start meaning more. They become a necessity for you. So when the world spins around you, you will have them to hold on to. When the clouds get gray and your vision gets blurry, you’ll have them to clear things up. That’s what happens with people you love, you let them help you get through every day. You may not notice it, you may not want to realize it, but it’s true. As often as people say that the only person you really need in your life is you, as often are they wrong. Of course you need yourself. But who are you when you have no one to share your life with? who are you when you can’t talk to anybody? What becomes of you when you’re all alone all the time? You become nothing. You’ll suffer from the oblivion of mankind, because no one has any reason to remember you. You never had a person who loved you, you never left anything  behind. So don’t give up on the people you love, embrace the warmth you get from them and thank the universe for them every day. Accept the fact that maybe you are loved and accept the fact that you love someone, because love is a beautiful thing. It’s the thing that puts people on this earth. It’s the thing that’s behind every person’s smile. It’s the thing behind every shred tear and it’s the thing that keeps people going. Love yourself and love others too.