CAKE

One Hundred Twenty-Two

Casey 

My eyes glance over the sleeping beauty beside me. I stare at her for a few minutes, admiring every feature on her face before my gaze drops down to the tattoo on her collarbone. I try not to let my mind wonder about the future but find it impossible not to do so. The topic of kids has come up so many times in the past few weeks that I can't not think about it.

When I was younger, I never wanted kids so I can understand why Mallory doesn't. But ever since Kathryn... having kids just seemed like a must-have. And truth be told being robbed of my motherhood only made that want so much stronger. 

I want to have another child and I want them to grow up and live. I want to be able to be a mother without having to worry about whether or not I have to take them off of life support. Inhaling, I close my eyes before forcing myself out of the bed. 

Kids are in my future. But I also want Mallory there too. Maybe somewhere down the line, something will convince her to have that life with me. 

Letting out a breath, I step into the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. I couldn't help but think about Kathryn. The fact that she'll be having her child next month felt surreal. I always thought we'd only have kids together. But she's proved me wrong.

She's proved me wrong on a lot of things. To think I would even be in another relationship or falling in love with someone else, 23-year-old me wouldn't believe that. I used to think Kathryn was my soulmate and that we'd be together forever. But all good things come to an end. 

I'm happy for her. I'm glad she's moved on. I'm glad she's building a family, one she's always wanted. I'm happy for her. And pretty soon, it'll be me.

I've never fallen out of love with anyone before to compare it to now. I don't know what falling out of love feels like but I'm certain that's what I'm doing now. Kathryn is becoming less and less a thought these days. Before it was impossible to not think about her but now, I can go weeks without her on my mind.

I don't get jealous when I see her and Mateo together anymore. It doesn't hurt that she's pregnant. I don't smile until it hurts when I see her. I don't even think about kissing her anymore... How can Mallory say I'm still in love with her when all these things tell me that I'm not?

"Are you okay?" I hear and turn quickly. My eyes meet worried cognac-brown eyes. I take in a breath, unaware I wasn't breathing before. Closing my eyes, I exhale slowly. "Yeah. Yeah. I'm just... nervous," I lie.

When I open my eyes, Mallory is much closer. "You're a terrible liar."

I smile, having been caught. "Okay, I technically didn't lie. I am nervous about meeting your mom and sister but... right now I wasn't thinking about that."

She nods her head, "I know. That's why I called you out on your bullshit," she chuckles before placing her hand on my shoulder and leaning on me. 

"What's wrong?" She questions.

Biting the inside of my cheek, I stare at the brown-skinned woman. I didn't want to bring up the 'kids' topic again, I was getting quite sick of that. And I didn't want to talk to her about how I felt about Kathryn. But if I had to choose one over the other, I'd rather talk about Kathryn.

"I was just thinking, it's nothing important, I promise," I opt to say. Honestly, this was better than the other two options. She probably doesn't think I notice the look in her eyes every time my ex is brought up.

The woman eyes me for what feels like an eternity before accepting my words. "Okay. But if you want to talk, I am here." Smiling, I nod my head, taking note.