Thikaana

Thirty Nine

Sidharth sat in the lounge completely & utterly thrown away by her sudden outburst and behavior. She had never reacted in such an impulsive manner before & nor had she said any such thing earlier despite them getting intimate. In fact today he hadn't even done anything yet compared to the previous few times. Then why? If she was uncomfortable with the intimacy, she would have let him know. She always can. But, why now? Was it because of everything that was happening back home, that was messing with her head? Something that maybe Akshay had said to her? He had absolutely no clue where all this was coming from. Yes, they hadn't had a detailed discussion about his past relationships earlier but he was aware that she knew that he has had prior experiences and she seemed to be unbothered about it, then what changed? The way she seemed so shaky, so scared, so dejected with her own self, angry, doubtful, jealous? What was it exactly? He couldn't understand till she would openly talk to him and voice whatever was bothering her. He however knew that she needed her own time and space right now. The way she literally ran off grabbing her shirt to cover herself up, it broke his heart. He never wanted her to feel insecure with him or because of him. Only if she knew, what she did for him. she was like a goddess to him. So holy, so pure, so divine. Absolutely magical. The fear in her eyes, it didn't sit well with him. He could never even think of making her uncomfortable in any way. Was he..was he rushing it with her? Was he going too fast with all this, and maybe that bothered her? If so, he would make sure to do everything in his capacity to make her feel secure and comfortable. The fact that he had this insane level of protective urge and instinct for her, nothing beat that. She was like his own personal little baby. So her ease about everything was his top most priority, it would always be.
The image of her getting scared like that, her eyes filling up like that, and she running away like that, it wasn't leaving his eyes. He ran a restless hand through his hair pushing it back and rubbed his chin, not understanding what was happening. He felt so frustrated and mad. Not with her, but with himself. He felt like he upset her and maybe he messed with her trust and comfort. That was not okay with him. He felt like punching his fist through a wall for making her feel any of that. He badly needed a smoke before he could think clearly. He sat up wearing his slippers, his gaze still fixed on the closed guestroom door. if anything, he wanted to run to her and grab her in his arms and ask for her forgiveness, his little baby. She was so innocent, so pure, his heart throbbed for her in a maddening way, it couldn't be put in words.
He stood outside in his balcony with a cigarette held between his fingers as he smoked up. His eyes narrowed, fixed on the sea in front of him. The light cool breeze of the night was soothing his hot nerves a little. There was an eerie silence throughout the house and it bothered him. her being there, it made everything so much better and so much more alive. Her sparkle, she spread it in every corner and it made his soul feel alive. They had dealt with much more serious stuff before this as well, but this? It was something that was a very touchy topic and not knowing the exact reason for her behavior, he didn't really understand how to trade through it. He didn't want to upset her more. He had just returned, and to say that he had missed her like a madman would be nothing in comparison to how insanely he had missed her. Everything about her. All he wanted was just to keep her close, wrapped up in his arms, away from everything else and now this? He felt so helpless. He couldn't change his past, even though he desperately wanted to since the last seven years. he couldn't change the life he had lived prior to meeting her. Only if he knew that one day, he would come across her, at a point in life, where he was least hoping for it, God knows how differently he would have done everything but it was what it was, how could he go back and undo it. He threw the remaining cigarette down crushing it with his feet and slammed his hand on the railing in frustration.

Sana was curled up in the bed, changed in her night suit, hugging the pillow to her chest and letting her tears constantly soak the other pillow her face was on. She herself didn't understand what had suddenly ticked her off like that and made her blow out in that way with him. Yes, she did feel uncomfortable, but it was because of entirely different reasons than what it may have seemed but how was she to communicate this to him. She just felt very upset, scared, hurt and angry. It felt like just how she had craved for him so intensely, her emotions too right now were on that same high. She did have an idea, but him saying it like that made it so much more real and that messed up with her mind all the more. She felt so so angry, why? She didn't really understand herself. This wasn't something she had wanted or thought of after his return, but everything just came out of her so naturally, she couldn't really think through her words or reactions. She knew she would be lying if she said that this had just come up, no. The truth was that her mind had been constantly ruing over all these factors since a few days now, but with everything else going on, she would always shut it out for the time being. This time, however, she couldn't control anything that had been going inside her. She could now feel her cheeks being warm, sticky and swollen due to the constant tears that flowed, but she didn't wanna stop. She wanted to take her anger, her frustration and everything that she was feeling out through those tears. She wanted to cry like a baby in his arms and that frustrated her more. She hugged the pillow tighter as an angry/helpless whimper left her mouth.
****
It had almost been an hour since she had stormed off in the room and Sidharth was now losing his mind. He tried giving her the space she needed but only he knew how much of patience and resolve it took from him to let even this much time pass and leave her on her own. He was back in the living room now and was pacing around, his eyes fixed on the door. He was desperately hoping for her to come out on her own and speak to him  but now his patience was completely running thin with each passing minute. He went in the kitchen and drank a glass of water before heading to her room. Just when he was about to go, he realized something and filled up a small water bottle for her, taking it along.
He reached the room and ran a hand through his hair. He was just about to turn the door knob, when his hand stopped right there. There was pin drop silence in the room. He wasn't even sure if she was still up or not. He then finally knocked and spoke as softly as he could
"Sana, are you ok bacha? Can I please come in?" his voice was unsure, calm and extremely soft.
The moment she heard his voice, her tears flowed automatically as she hugged the pillow tighter. She needed him like a mad man but she was so upset and frustrated with everything, she wasn't sure if she was ready to face him just yet or not but hearing his voice, that specific voice he had while explaining her something, or comforting her, the calmness it held, it always soothed her soul. She wanted to run into his arms like always and let him take care of it all. She instead closed her eyes, clenching them shut and letting the wetness flow out.

As soon as he was met with her silence, he felt like somebody was suffocating him. the restlessness was too much to take. She could have fallen asleep. He rubbed his chin and was just about to turn back when something inside him told him that she was up. He knew her too well and he knew that she wouldn't go to bed upset with him. Especially today, when he had returned back after three whole days. He turned the door knob as softly as he could and the moment he pushed the door slightly, he saw how she was curled up to the side of the bed, her back towards him. He could see a pillow tightly clutched in her arms and the moment he opened the door some more, she instantly covered her face with the duvet. He finally sighed as soon as she did that and smiled in relief . She was his baby. He finally stepped inside the room, closing the door behind him. his steps were still a little unsure because he did not at all want her to feel uncomfortable in any way. So despite his anxiety, he wanted her to have every right to tell him to leave if she didn't want him there. He kept walking towards the bed and with every step that he took, he was sighing with her not asking him to leave. He could see that she had changed into a green top with dolls on it and a black night suit pajama. He kept the water bottle on the bed side and finally lifted the other corner of the duvet slowly wanting to get in to the bed. The moment he did, he could see how she pulled it closer onto herself, completely covering herself up. He couldn't stop smiling. He slowly got in to bed and lied down facing her, but he made sure to keep some distance. He tucked an arm under his face and rested his cheek on his elbow and kept the other hand to his side. He could see how her breathing slightly heaved up as soon as the bed dipped and he got in. he kept staring at her for a few seconds, before he finally spoke up.
"Baby" he almost whispered.