The Advice Column I

Fifty-Three

Advice Request
This person has guy troubles and would like a solution to solve them.

Answered Submission
Aw, sweetheart, I wish I could send you pizza and ice cream, but all I can do is send you this advice. You are in a situation that can be easily manipulated by many people around you—by him, his other best friend, his friends, and your ex-friend. You have to tread carefully because none of them will get their heart broken—only you will.

Let's start with 'You-Know-Who' (Voldemort... I joke; Harry Potter reference).

You guys met in 2015, started dating in 2016, and broke up two months later because he was interested in someone else, and now, in 2017, you are still not over him. Are you not over him or the idea of him? More times than not, what we're attracted to is the idea of the person—their looks, their positive traits, etc. With that attraction to their better side, we ignore their negative traits or hold onto the idea that this person is for you. In reality, there are other people who you will love and who will love you all the same.

I want you to do something both painful and blissful: go back to your memories of him, and assess your relationship. What kind of friends were you? Was he a good friend, or was he just interested in dating you? Was he caring during your two-month relationship? Did he respect you as a friend and as a girlfriend? You have known him for two years now, so you must have a grasp of his personality by this point. I also need you to re-examine your feelings for him. You only dated for two months and broke up because he was interested in someone else (I am sorry to bring it up again, but it is essential). Are you certain it wasn't just infatuation? Maybe he was infatuated with you, and he lost that after he dated you. Are you in love with him, or is it just infatuation?

You can't find closure because the ending was abrupt, and now you two have to be friends even though you still have feelings for him. Only you know the answer to this. If what you feel for him is just infatuation, then I advise you to limit your contact with him. Do not spend all your free time with him, talk about him with your friends, or let anyone talk about him to you; change the topic. You need to let him fade away. Concentrate on something else you are passionate about. But if your feelings are indeed more than just infatuation, then you need to confront him. This will take a lot of courage on your part, but you have to ask him clearly and confidently...

"What is the relationship between us and between you and your ex?"

"Are we friends? Or are we pretending to be friends because we don't want to look bad after the break up?"

"Is this all about what image we portray to our friends?"

You need to find the answers. Your heart needs the stabilization. Once you have confronted him, and he admits that he just wants to be friends and nothing more, or that he doesn't even want a friendship, then let him go. He is nothing but a dead weight. He is holding you back from moving on. He says he isn't interested anymore, but others try to convince you that's not the case. No, don't let others forge your path. Do what you must for your own well-being. In both cases, be civil and kind to him, but don't let him walk all over you. The friendship from your side was genuine, and it won't fade away just because he is being naive. We as women tend to be more forgiving than the opposite sex can be.

To his best friend saying what she said: the reply he gave was mean and hurtful. If he cared about you, he wouldn't have said something like that... at least not in the public eye. It seems to me like he doesn't care how his actions and words affect you because, no matter what, you won't go away. It's like he is using you as a side-dish (I'm sorry). Like I said earlier, you need to confront him and free both of yourselves of this tension.

To your ex-friend who says he denied being friends with you: you yourself said that this girl has a way of twisting things, and you don't trust her—and not to forget that she is an ex-friend. I am sensing there is a story here. Ignore what she says. You did not hear him say that, so she may very well be lying. You need to keep in mind all your evidence here is secondary and could be false.

And now to his friends who keep trying to convince you that he "talks about you a lot." You know what? It doesn't matter. Even if he misses you, it doesn't change a thing. Actions speak louder than words. The way he acts around you is not acceptable. Politely change the topic whenever his friends bring him up in conversations. If Voldemort actually wants you to be a part of his life, he will make an effort.

You asked if you were overreacting—no, Dear, you aren't. He is someone you care about. It's normal for you to be concerned about your status in his life.

Another question was about whom he loves. You said that he admitted to still being in love with his ex (the one after you). I think the answer is clear.

What should you do? Should you be mad?

Whatever you do, don't let him emotionally abuse you. Minimize your contact with him. If he cares about this friendship, he will make an effort, and I suppose you have to tell him that because men understand situations differently than women do. You need to tell him that you'll be there as a friend but not as someone he can walk all over or degrade in front of his friends. And if he doesn't want a friendship, that's okay, too. Say your goodbyes, and move on. Also, talk to your other friends. Ask for their opinions—maybe ask your girl best friend, a cousin, or your sister whom you have a good relation with and whom you can trust.

I hope this heartbreak helps you for the better and does not make you bitter. Just because one person was wrong for you does not mean everyone else will be, too. The  team wishes you all the best!

Love,

The Advice Column Team