The Advice Column I

Two

Advice Request
This person is best friends with their cousins, but one of them tends to back stab them (i.e. this person). When this person tells their cousin their secrets, for example, the backstabber tells their parents, and their parents tell other people this person's secrets. The cousin is still there for this person with that being said. For this reason, this person cannot be angry at their cousin (who is essentially their best friend), but rather they feel as though their problem lies within their cousin's parents.

Answered Submission
You seem to see a flaw in your cousin but no fault in them. The flaw you recognize is their mistake of being a backstabber, but the fault you do not see is that they are doing something they should not be doing to anyone, especially someone so close to them by blood and by relation. Your cousin's parents should not be acting the way they're acting, actually, but the ultimate problem is your cousin. You may deny this because you love your cousin, but it's true, and unfortunately, all of us have to accept the truth at some point.

As a best friend, your cousin should be there for you—which they seem to be—but they should also respect you in your absence too! Friendship is about many things, but some people tend to forget that it's also about respect and loyalty! Respect and loyalty are practically two characteristics of friendship. If one friend does not respect and is not loyal to the other, then problems may arise. The fact that your cousin talks about you negatively behind your back shows that they lack respect for your secrets, and the fact that they're doing this to you, their cousin and best friend, shows that they aren't loyal to you at all times. Sure, they tend to be there for you when you need them, but that doesn't mean they're completely loyal to you! Respecting your secrets during your absence is also an example of loyalty. They're doing the opposite of that.

People, many times, see fault in others but not in their selves. It's important to evaluate yourself daily when you're in a very close relationship or friendship with someone. Talk to yourself: Are you fair with them? Are you loyal to them? Do you treat them the same way you wish for them to treat you? If not, then are you triggering them to do something against you? The last question is important! If you treated someone badly or did something that offended them, then they might feel like they need to avenge for your treatment or offensive behavior, so retrace your steps. Did you ever do something that may have triggered your cousin to treat you the way they're treating you right now (i.e. backstabbing you)? If yes, then go to your cousin and talk it out. You should be truthful with them and not biased at all. By this, we mean you should tell them that you have wronged them! Don't be afraid of admitting that you made a mistake because what even is perfection?! It's cliché, but it's true: Nobody (i.e. no human) is perfect. You're ought to treat someone harshly at one point in your life—we all are. It's wrong, but it happens. After you tell your cousin that you are aware of your mistake, apologize to them for your treatment toward them, and then explain to them that you have noticed their behavior toward you (or, in this case, behind you) has changed in a terrible manner. Let them understand that you understand that the only reason they changed is because of your mistake. You should then, at that point, tell them that both of you should get over the mistakes you've both made and simply move on. You're cousins, best friends, and seem to be there for each other a lot, so it would only be good if you both accepted to keep the past in the past and start a fresh, honest, respectful, and loyal friendship! However, if you genuinely feel as though you have never wronged your cousin and they just talk behind your back for no reason, then do not do the above steps. Scratch the words "for no reason," actually, because there is always a reason. There are times where people shrug and say they do what they do "just because," but that isn't true at all. There is always an action and a reaction. There is always a cause and an effect. We just don't realize it at times. In this case, approach your cousin and tell them you need to discuss something with them privately. Once you're both alone, ask them about their day, what they've been up to, and how they've been feeling lately. Doing this, you'd be starting a conversation. After you discuss the said questions with them, bring the subject up in a mature and appropriate manner: "I want to tell you something—something that has been hurting me a lot. I've noticed that even though you care for me and tend to be there for me, you back stab me at times." Be honest and tell them how it makes you feel! You should never be ashamed of how someone makes you feel because it's never your fault (in a generalized sense that is). After you explain to them how you feel, tell them that you've also noticed that they're telling their parents. Then explain to them that "a secret is to stay untold" rather than shared with anyone, even if it's their (your cousin's) parents. Nevertheless, you should state all this in a soft tone. Don't be aggressive, rather be assertive. This means you need to be aware of their rights and feelings. Your cousin, at this point, would probably be listening to you carefully. Why wouldn't they be when you're handling the situation in a very understanding manner? Anyhow, tell them the truth about how telling their parents is hurting you and creating thoughts in your head to hurt yourself—if needed, even repeat this more than once so they understand the power of disrespecting your secrets! Repeat it until your cousin understands this. It's also important to bring up the fact that your cousin's parents are telling your parents things that your parents don't want to here and that that's creating problems with you and your parents. Then, at this point, you should give your cousin the chance to speak. Let them explain themselves, and do not cut them off. Do keep in mind everything they say, however, especially if you feel as if they're saying something that isn't true or something you disagree with. After the two of you have explained yourselves, you should tell them to keep what is in the past in the past and start fresh. As for your parents, forgive them for not understanding you. Forgiveness has the power of creating (this isn't a word but) understandment. They may grow to understand you in the future! Do not bring up the past to them if you want to start fresh. Sure, they have misunderstood you because of what your cousin's parents told them, but let it go. You know the truth, and that's what's most important. The way your parents view you, however, is still very important. You're their child, and they care for you. They want you to be the best that you can be, so they need to view you the way you truly are. They're just normal human beings, though, so they may wrong you at times. If you really want to (we strongly recommend you do this), talk to them privately about everything that has occurred between you, your cousin, and your cousin's parents. Note that we said talk and not argue. Arguing and discussing are very different. A lot of people don't know the difference, so if you genuinely don't know, search the definitions of the two using at least three different sources (legitimate sources). Grasp their definitions first, and then approach your parents. Why? Because when you discuss something with someone rather than argue with them, there's a higher chance they'll take you more seriously. Make it clear to your parents that you haven't gathered them to ask about their opinion or guidance (because you've already done that and have solved the problem), but you're just telling them what happened instead. This may actually make them realize you're a responsible person! In the future, they may listen to you a lot more often only because of the way you handled your issue and because of your mature approach toward the discussion you'd had with them. 😊

Keep in mind that staying silent about your problem will not make it go away. Don't be passive as your cousin hurts you. You have a right to be respected as a human being, so stand up for your right.

If you try all of this out and it doesn't work, then go talk to your cousin/s about your problem (the one/s who has/have been loyal to you at most times if not at all times) and the parents of the cousin who treat you well. Ask them to help you solve this problem. If they can't, then perhaps consider meeting with a social worker because they definitely come in handy at times; there are a ton everywhere because many people want to help you! Never think you're alone. There are many sources of help around all of us, but we don't realize it. People care. We care. 💙

We wish you the very best.

The Advice Column Team