Falling in love is hard, but staying in love is harder.
But how does one know if they are in love when feelings are not their strongest suit?
Zeki Kim does not comprehend love, for him it is a process filled with delusions and even more delusions.
A lot of people say that love is this wonderful feeling, something that makes you go wild and feral. But at the same time makes you feel alive, it is euphoric to the heart.
But the process of getting into that kind of love is exhausting to say the least.
And Zeki finds it utterly stupid to endure such a long (possibly painful) and exhausting.
He'd rather stay alone for the rest of his life, what is the use of love if it takes that long to find?
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Beomgyu was never really fond of books, but this one is something he can (somewhat) relate to — in the matter of perspective.
The boy, Zeki was someone who had never understood the concept of falling in love. And why is love always so exhausting and damaging in the process of having feelings for someone.
And Beomgyu agrees with him, why hurt yourself in finding the one you love when you can just not do it either?
But then after what Kai said, something made Beomgyu question himself and his own thoughts about love. He was lost and he didn't know what to do, but he did know what to do to be honest.
He just didn't want to admit that he needed help.
So, as if it was just ten years ago. Beomgyu found himself dragging his Soobin-hyung to the rooftop of the hotel, only a few people were there when the elevator doors slid open. An older couple and a few adult guests that went back inside just now.
A good place to be vulnerable.
You see Beomgyu was never the type to show vulnerability in public, society was never merciful when it comes to crying or appearing weak. And so when he feels a bit too restless with a problem or just really upset, he runs to Soobin.
They rarely had moments like these, but when they do. Soobin always had his arms wide open despite their bickering and insults, because no matter what they were brothers.
His older brother.
Always his older brother.
They sat on the bench that faced the glass railings, wind blowing their hair in wild directions. The Choi brothers were wrapped in a blanket of comfortable silence, leisuring the peace of not speaking.
However thst peace was bound to get broken as one needed to speak.
"Alright," Soobin spoke, eyes glancing at Beomgyu. "What do you want to talk about?"
Beomgyu opens his mouth but soon presses his lips together, he does the same action again as if he was struggling to word it out for his older brother. But unlike the usual, Soobin doesn't tease him, instead he waits pateintly for his little brother to find his words.
"It's. . ." Beomgyu croaks as if he swallowed a large pill. "It's about what Kai said at the campfire."
Oh.
To this Soobin turns his head to his brother who does the same exact action, their eyes meets. And the older male could see the troubling emotions swirling around Beomgyu's eyes, as if it was a window unraveling dark treasures unwanted from the world.
"Alright well. . ." Soobin clears his throat. "What did you feel when he said that?"
"I. . ." Beomgyu cuts off, his mind swirling of many answers to that one question alone. But Soobin waits for him regardless.
A usual I don't know would answer that, but Beomgyu would be lying if he said he didn't know.
He feels confused, which is nothing new but somehow his brain links it to Taehyun. And there is an added emotion of yearning and a force of fear that later then forms into a sense of dread that drives poor Beomgyu into an edge.
"I really don't know how to describe it hyung," Beomgyu groans in frustration, raking a hand through his hair. "I'm confused on what's going on with me. Heck I even thought about Taehyun while Kai said those words. I feel like—like I need Taehyun but I'm not sure if I really do and I'm scared because it's confusing and I feel this—this dreaded feeling creeping through my veins because of what Kai said earlier."
Soobin lets out a quiet sigh and looks at the beach, the night sky filled with stars and the ocean's water reflecting the moon. "Beomgyu, I need you to be honest with me with this." he then meets his brother's scared and confused eyes.
"What do you see Taehyun as?" Soobin asked.
To this Beomgyu gives his brother a questioning look. "What do you mean by that?"
Soobin flashes him a smile, not a mocking one, but a knowing one.
"C'mon, you're better than that—lying to me won't help fix your problem," he says.
People might think that Beomgyu is clueless or ignorant when it comes to love, but in truth he wasn't.
Beomgyu was just afriad to open his heart.
The level of intensity, the passion, the magic, the euphoria—as well as the heartbreak, the betrayal, the insanity, the self-destruction it comes with and its acceptance to let go. All of these are what overwhelms his little brother.
But being afraid of all those doesn't make him a coward, in fact, it only makes him human.
Believe it or not, there are people who are scared to love— either it is their first time or the second time around. One can't simply say that it is simple; for others maybe it is just a mere walk in the park. To enjoy the moment, to savor every bit of it, even though no one knows if it will last or not. There is still hurt, but they know love comes around eventually.
However there are others who want to love, but are afraid of getting too attached and are later on left behind. Love is scary they think, these are the types of people who fall in love to marry. They love so hard and when that love is broken then they also become broken—chances are they never love again.
But the world isn't like that at all, it is unfair when it comes to love. Some find their answered prayer, the one like every typical love story—while others find a lesson, the one disguised as an answered prayer. They would treat you in the way you deserve to be treated (you are loved), they let you see the goodness in this cruel world that feels as if kindness is nonexistent. To let you see how worth it and beautiful you are, and when they are finished.
They leave.
Because that's what they are, a lesson for you.
They bring out the best parts of a person, and once they do—they leave because you no longer need them. These people leave because they know you'll only become dependent if they stay, and when they're gone it feels like your world is destroyed. It will hurt, however this hurt is not permanent, as time passes you'll see that maybe it wasn't love after all.
Yes, indeed they brought out the best in you, you cared for them. You love them, but maybe it was not the kind of love that you thought of.
Maybe you just wanted to be loved.
And maybe that person wanted to give love.
However both of these are not the same as loving.
One cannot possibly just want to be loved without giving love and one cannot possibly give love without wanting to be loved. A relationship does not work like that, in a structure of communication it is not just one way but it goes back and forth.
So where does Taehyun belong into these two groups?
Was he an answered prayer? Or was he a lesson disguised as one?
Beomgyu is smart, but he doesn't know where Taehyun stands between these two lines.
Or maybe he does and he refuses to acknowledge it, he has a hunch of where the younger male stands. But for the first time Beomgyu doesn't want to be right, he doesn't want it to.
He lets out a groan, "I-I don't know hyung I just. . ." the brunette stares at his hands, curling them into fists. "Taehyun is. . ."
Suddenly Beomgyu feels his eyes sting, what Taehyun exactly means to him?
Or maybe he does know what Taehyun means to him. And Beomgyu just can't find the courage to say it, because if he does—then perhaps maybe his conclusion of where Taehyun stands between the two lines is true.
But he needed this out, he doesn't want this to weigh him down even more. Beomgyu wants advice, to know what to do, to know what to say, and possibly to know how to deal with it.
Soobin waits patiently, his little brother lets out a shaky sigh.
"Constant," Beomgyu breathes out, now shifting his gaze to Soobin as if he just told him a secret locked under snow for years.
"Kang Taehyun is a constant, hyung," Soobin looks at him softly, he doesn't speak, a telepathecal way of telling Beomgyu to continue.
"I really don't know why I think of him as that but. . ." Beomgyu swallows, "It just suits him, everyday when I wake up I see Taehyun. When I'm doing something outrageous he's there, either nagging me for it or joining me. He feels like a rock hyung, a rock that keeps me on the ground, and wherever I go he's there and I'm just so used to him that I can feel that in the future he's also there by my side. And the more I think of it, the more it feels like Taehyun is my lesson."
Oh.
For a moment, everything clicks.
Beomgyu is no fool to love, he was confused yes but as time passed he becomes more aware—more sure and more terrified of what he feels for Taehyun everyday. It becomes too intense that refuses to acknowledged it, thinking this may become his downfall now that he realizes how bad his feelings were.
But in truth, he refuses to think of Taehyun as a lesson for himself. And the more he talks about the younger male being a constant in his life, it becomes more pristine to Beomgyu that Taehyun is his lesson.
And he hates it.
"And I don't want him to just be my lesson hyung," Beomgyu says, holding Soobin's gaze. "I want him to be my one, I want him to be my constant."
It is dangerous to be called someone's constant, the world is full of change. The people, the towns, the cities, the countries, even feelings change in order for people and communities to grow.
Soobin rests his chin on his palm, "You're whipped, down bad to the core."
"No shit," Beomgyu lets out a bitter laugh, and lets out a sigh, lifting his head to see the stars. "What should I do, hyung? I really don't wanna lose him."
"Losing him is inevitable, Gyu," Soobin says, eyeing his dongsaeng. "You're bound to lose him either way in time, that's how life works—and you can't prevent that."
Beomgyu scoffed, "Of course you'll say that," he murmurs, loud enough for Soobin to hear it.
"But you can make the pace slower." Soobin finishes, ignoring what his little brother said.
"How?" Beomgyu asked, brows furrowed into arches.
"By telling him you like him."
"No," Beomgyu said with finality.
The ravenette gives him a rare smile where his eyes become crescent moons and ruffles Beomgyu's brown locks in a brotherly manner.
"You have to. I understand that it's hard, but it's a process. You'll be able to say it eventually."
It's always a process, and Beomgyu hates it. But if this would mean that he could somehow not let Taehyun be his lesson, then he guesses it wouldn't hurt to do it.
"But a word of advice from someone who took a whole year to say it," Soobin chortles. "Take your time, but don't take too long—the world changes and so does people Gyu, who knows when Taehyun might get stolen from you."
Beomgyu doesn't want that, but he's scared, and at the same time he's frustrated because he doesn't want to be scared.
"I know that it's just. . ." the young Choi trails off, running a hand through his hair as he lets out a frustrated sigh. "I'm just scared, okay? Fuck, I feel like a fucking coward."
Hearing this, Soobin scoots closer to him. "No you're not, if anything that only makes you human."
"Well I don't want to feel it," Beomgyu huffs, Soobin lets out a laugh as he wraps an arm around his dongsaeng's shoulder.
"You can't unfeel it y'know? It's normal, some people take years to build up the courage to say it. Feeling scared makes you human."
"Well what if I don't want to be human?" Beomgyu challenges his older brother to which Soobin laughs at.
"You can't unhuman yourself, Gyu. That's not how it works, besides being human makes you have these feelings for Taehyun. Surely you don't want that to vanish when you unhuman yourself, right?"
Beomgyu pouts, "Shut up."
Soobin smirks triumphantly, "Besides you did say you want him to be your constant in this world of change."
"But humans change hyung,"Beomgyu groans. "Feelings too, and I don't want Taehyun to be my lesson in love."
"Then make a choice," Soobin said. "Don't let him be your lesson."
The young brunette looks at his brother, "It's a matter of choice, Gyu—either you let him become your lesson of experience or you make him your one end game."
"But Yeonjun-hyung said that—"
"Well you said you think Taehyun is your lesson," Soobin cuts him off, eyes settled on Beomgyu. "You didn't say he is."
Okay, Beomgyu will admit his brother has a point.
"Well then what should I do?" he asked.
Soobin heaves out a sigh, resting his head on top of Beomgyu's—staring at the stars.
"Take the risk, tell him what you feel."
Ah, right.
Once again, the fear and dread Beomgyu felt starts to crawl through his veins once more. He feels cold, as if he was pierced by hundreds of thousands of needles.
He was scared again.
Always scared.
Always human.
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I hope you liked the chapter:)
-Ria