The Shumdario story

5. I can't

Harry parked his car and he and Matt got out of the car, he put out his keys and open the door and let Matt get in "would you like something to drink?" He asked, "do you have a beer?" Matt responded, Harry nodded and walked to the fridge and grabbed two beers and opened them on the counter and walked to the sofa where Matt were sitting, he hand it to him and sat next to him, they didn't talk for a few minutes until Matt cleaned the throat and said:
M: "sorry for being so stressed out... I never done anything like it before, on camera I mean, and also I didn't kiss a guy since that one time in college... I'm sorry about dropping it on you"
H: "don't be, it's okay, when I had to do my first filmed kiss I was nervous too, and she was a girl" he smiled a little, trying lighten the mood
M: "thank you for understanding" he smiled too "so where would you like to start?"
H: "I think we should start at the moment I entered the wedding, you will say your lines and start walking towards me, now remember, you grab my shirt and pull me closer, the kiss supposed to stop with you going back and I'm searching your lips again but you get farther, okay?"
Matt nodded and walked to the kitchen while Harry stand by the sofa, Matt said his lines and then turned to face Harry, who looked at him and started to feel his heart pounding in his chest, Matt started walking towards him and when he got close he grabbed Harry's shirt and pull him closer so there's no room left between them and leaned in and put his lips on Harry's, the kiss was soft, Harry didn't open his mouth they keep it all out side, when Matt started to go back Harry searched his lips like in the script, he cleaned his throat and whispered "cut.." Matt stepped back and looked at him "how did it go? Are you okay?" Harry asked, Matt smiled a little and nodded "would you be willing to try it again? Just so I can be sure that scene is perfect" Harry smiled and nodded, Matt turned away and stand up again near the kitchen, said his lines again and walked towards Harry, he grabbed him by his shirt but Harry felt that Matt was more eager this time, they looked at each other's eyes and Matt leaned over and put a kiss on Harry's mouth, the kiss felt different this time, Harry felt warm feeling in his cheeks, his heart was racing in his chest and then he felt Matt's tongue stroking his lips, he hesitant, he didn't know what he was feeling or what is going on, but then he opened his mouth and let Matt's tongue get in, he never felt like this before, being so sexually with a man, their tongues danced together and Harry felt his hand climbing up to grab Matt's waist, his hand taken Matt's shirt out of his pants and he pushed his hand under it, feeling Matt's skin and his abs he didn't know what he was doing but it was good, he liked it, but in that moment Matt stopped, and started breathing, he put his hand on Harry's and pulled him off, Harry didn't understand what going on, he looked at Matt with confusion but Matt stepped back and said "Harry... I can't..." Harry sighed "what do you mean can't...? You kissed me... and now you saying you can't, I don't get it.." when Matt didn't respond he continued "it's not easy for me too Matthew! All my life I lived as a straight man, beside my "experimenting" in college I never been with a man before, until you came along... I'm confused, I don't know what I'm feeling and you can't?" Harry felt his rage bobbling up, he didn't even know why he was so mad at him, Matt looked down all this time and then he cleaned his throat and speak "I'm sorry I did that to you, I don't know what i was thinking... I didn't have that feeling before either... I felt like I wanted to kiss you but when I realized what we were doing I started thinking about my family, I have to live up to them, I can't be that guy, I can't... I'm sorry" harry's eyes were filled with tears, he didn't know what's this feeling, and more importantly what they are going to do now.
H: "I'm so confused, it's never happened to me before, you came along and change all my mind, everything I thought I was, I don't know... but what's fucks me up is you won't even let us a chance to figure it out... not just for me but also for you... don't you wanna know what could have been? Even if doesn't work, even if we both get that we are just exploring, don't you want to know?"
Matt swallowed, he didn't know what to say to him "I'm sorry Harry,I really do, but I cannot let my parents deal with all of it, even if you right, even though I would like to try for you and maybe for me either, I don't want to hurts my family... I'm sorry I confused you..." Harry didn't respond, he was crashed, there was that man who confused him and everything he knew and now wants to go away, without even trying to understand what they are both dealing with... he just stands there, in quite, doesn't know what more he can say, Matt get closer to him and gave him a big hug, they both feel that crash inside them, and then Matt turned around and walked to the door, he turned a little "good night Harry, I hope you find the strength to forgive me..." he opened the door and got out, when Harry heard the door closed he finally gave up, he fall on the floor and start crying, he didn't know why it was so hard, why he was so hurting, he dragged himself into the bed, and fall asleep with his face all wet.

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