Can't hate you || e.d

Lovely

Christmas Eve

Sun

I was so excited and so happy to have all the people that I loved around me..

It was such a pleasing, comforting and calming feeling to see my mom and dad, Moon and Luna, Dean, Blake and Silver, Charlie and Josh and James at once. They all were family and being together in such a special moment was really important for me. Nobody should be left out or be alone during Christmas.

I have to be honest, it was really weird to see Silver again. The last time I thought about her I promised myself that I would fight her the next time but the tables have turned. I didn't really believe Moon when he said that she changed so much that he couldn't recognize her.. but it took me a while too to understand that it was really her.

She changed from the outside and from the inside. She was even more different from when I knew her before she turned into a beast. Even the way she looked at people and things changed. I kept being surprised by every move she made..

It was also interesting and stunning to see how Blake's love changed her and that he was possible to hold her in place. The way he looked at her said everything and I loved watching how she looked back at him. It was so heartwarming and I never thought I would think like this.

Moon almost had a mental breakdown when he saw that our side of the tree was way more beautiful than his and Luna's side. It was so awesome to see how angry he was about it. I deadass laughed my ass off.

Unfortunately Dean and I didn't talk since we decorated the tree.. it made all my hopes disappear. It seemed like he was fine with what I said.. I was right. Space was all he wanted. He seemed happier after what I said and that made my heart break into a million pieces but I needed to do my best to hide it. I couldn't destroy everybody's mood and walk around like a dark cloud to rain on them.

I took the last two days to write him exactly seventy five love letters and did something that was probably meaning a lot.

It was nothing material and I didn't know how he was going to react. I was really afraid that he would be mad about it or don't like it at all.. but even if he wasn't going to like it, it wouldn't matter because I was in love with it and had to smile whenever I thought about it or ran my fingers over it. I also knew that a present wasn't going to fix this or prove what I would do for him.. but it was a beginning.

Sam already set the table with mom and it looked so amazing that I couldn't believe my own eyes. She was so great. She was such a great support, so lovely and such a big part of our family that we also got a special present for her.

I had to smile when I saw how many people we actually were. Feeling lonely and sad was impossible. Everybody was so happy and motivated that I felt the euphoria kick in. I bit my lower lip to not smile like a silly ass.

When I felt that Dean was standing next to me I almost got a huge heart attack so I just stopped breathing and got goosebumps. He turned around and looked down at me.. so I turned around as well and looked up at him.

I started begging him with my eyes to talk to me or say one word. Only one word. I needed to hear his voice. I needed him to say something to make me feel better again. Only something simple. Even greeting me would be enough.. only smiling.. that was all I wanted.

"Dinner is ready!" we heard Sam shouting totally happily. Everybody moved towards the kitchen but we didn't move an inch. I wasn't even sure if he was breathing..

His look was so intimidating.. his eyes.. he looked deep into my eyes and the butterflies in my stomach got me good again. It was one of the deep looks that I missed so much.. after all the blank and empty stares.. it felt like it was a reward that I wanted more than anything else. Only a little thing that could make me hope again.. feel alive again.