A part two today. Weird I know, but I don't know if I am ready to directly have a conversation about this with my friends, so I'm here. Writing a chapter that most of my friends will probably read.
I'm spiraling and I know it, but I can't control it.
The way my depression works and how it has always worked for me is that I spiral. I'm really good for a long time, and then I start to spiral down. Then, I stay at the bottom for a while. Eventually, I start to spiral my way back up. Every other time I've spiraled, I haven't been aware of it until it was to late, but I know I'm spiraling right now. I just can't stop it. No matter how many positive things I tell myself, I'm still thinking the negative thoughts. Those shitty negative thoughts. And today, I even heard a death wish. I don't treat the suicidal thoughts lightly, and for them to be coming back so quickly, well, it's scary. I heard myself say, ya know, your a useless waste of energy so why even live if all your gonna do is screw everything up for the people you love, because they'll never love you with all your problems. That's an insight into my head. That's how I think. I don't know if I'll ever go more than 2 months without spiraling and I don't see myself being able to do it in the future, but I try so hard, but I fail. Every single time I just fail.
Bye <3
YOU ARE READING
how am i? (1)
Non-FictionThis is a daily updated journal/diary thing that started in January of 2018 and has not ended yet. There will be a part two to this book, because I've found writing in this book so relaxing and helpful when it comes to my mental health. • • • Somet...
