how am i? (1)

Rethinking

So I'm back... again.

I've thought a lot about what's been happening in my life for the past few weeks and I've realized some things and I wanted to put them out there. I think I kept going back to Ania and trying to talk to her not only over text but at school because I've been trying to see the good in her and hope that she changes. Every other time we've ever been in a fight or argument or anything that could pass as drama, we kept talking and eventually got over it by continuing to talk. In a weird way, I feel like for a while I wanted that, before she apologized that initial first time a long time ago, I feel like I just wanted everything to go back to how it was even though I knew I would be sacrificing myself in order for that to happen. I could see people's initial resistance to letting Ania go and I understood it and even had some of my own. Now, I think that's it's going to be for the best. She isn't and wasn't a positive part in my life and I think I've known that for a while now. The reason I keep going back is because I feel bad. I feel like somehow I'm responsible for ripping her social life away from her. Now I know that it was all of her own making. I was scared to avoid her at school because nobody else really was and I didn't want to seem like a jerk, but I'm not scared of people's opinions. I haven't been in a really long time. So, if one of my friends had changed their opinion on me because I was ignoring the girl who has told me multiple times that she hopes I burn in hell, then I guess I'm seeing their true colors too. I'm done being scared of people's hatred. People don't like me. That's always been something I just had to accept about myself. My personality isn't a type of personality that people don't have a strong opinion on. If people spend any amount of time around me, they either grow to love my personality or hate it. It's just a factor of me being me. I guess some people will change their mind about it in the middle of a friendship and that's ok. Another thing I've learned is that I truly think that drama is redundant and unnecessary. Yes, I've been a part of this drama and stuff, but that doesn't make me a drama queen or mean I like it or enjoy it at all. I genuinely hate it with a burning passion. I've never understood arguments. I think that might have to do with how argumentative my parents can be at times. I love them but god can they yell. When I was little, every time they would yell at each other or at me or anything like that I would cry. I hated yelling and I still do. If you don't like someone then just slowly drift away from them and that relationship that you have with them peacefully. Don't cause drama or make your relationship end in a big falling out that will define your relationship when you look back at it. It ruins memories and is just not fun for either side. I know I'm going to a high school that is known for its girl drama and I think I'm prepared. I'm going to try my hardest to avoid it. Another thing I've realized is that I truly do rely on my friends and family. I've been talking to my friends and my parents and even my grandma about all of this. Getting their advice really helped me. In the last conversation Ania and I had, she insulted my family and I got upset. That's the first time I have genuinely gotten upset about something Ania has said directly to me. Yes, her "the entire friend group is lesbian" comment made me mad because I can tell she meant it as an insult which is not ok, but this is the diet thing she has said this whole time directly to me that genuinely made me angry. Nobody and I mean nobody can talk bad about my family or my friends, but especially my family. I'm very much the defensive type and I'm always defending myself or my friends, and, when I feel it's necessary, my family. Don't ever talk bad about my family. They are so loving and so supportive and have shaped me into who I am today and haven't shaped my political views into what they believe. They have allowed me to be what I am and believe what I believe and that's a beautiful thing. So, when Ania said that she could "tell my family wasn't supportive" I got angry. My mom goes on walks with me every day. If that's not supporting my diet then hunny I don't know what is. My parents work very hard every day to provide me with the opportunities I have been given and I try to thank them for that through keeping my grades up and studying and working hard at everything I do. Yes, the constant stress that my parents have (especially my mom) when it comes to my grades can be pretty well stressful and I don't think that's a bad thing. My final grades for this year were all As. I got one 89% in math which meant I had to take the final, but I did good on it and kept my average at about a 93% for that class. Also, on my standardized test scores, I'm in the 98 percentile in the country. I'm insanely proud of myself and I'm proud that I got to show my parents how grateful I truly am. My parents have raised me insanely well and I could never repay them. I'm proud to be a part of my family. I'm proud to be me. And nobody can take that away from me. Strangely enough, through all of this I've realized that even though I say it all the time, I don't hate people. Most people I actually like. I went through the entire list of the kids in the grade and only could find two that I didn't like. One, Grant Hodge, has messed me up mentally in the past and bullied one of my best friends and I have forgiven him for what he has done not only to me, but also to my friend. No, I didn't go up to him and say I forgive you, but I don't even think he knows I hated him. Now, it's just a dislike, because I don't think he has changed all that much. I have forgiven him though this past year, and I'm very proud that I did that. I don't want to keep grudges. I needed to move past it. The second one was Paul Molears (I've tried to spell his last name at least two dozen times now and I know that's wrong but I can't figure it out so I'm sticking with that). My dislike for Paul really started when he sat next to me in history for the first time (I was next to him twice in a row it was bad for my mental health lol). He made a lot of racist jokes and is very arrogant. Basically every characteristic that I saw in him were bad ones. I hate racist jokes and whenever someone says something racist I die a little inside. It's the 21st century, I wish people would stop and realize that it isn't cool to say the n word and that racist jokes aren't funny. Ok, that's a completely different topic, so I'll stop there, but yeah. I hated Paul (still don't know about the spelling of the last name hi hello) because of that, and I still don't like him, but I decided about a month ago to cut him some slack, because I hadn't heard him make a racist joke in a long time. Eventually I stopped hating him. I can't say I like the guy, but I don't dislike him either. I guess that just leaves Grant. I don't think I could ever say that I don't dislike Grant Hodge. At least not for right now. He will remain on my mental list of people that I don't like. It's at about 8 at this point I think and I'm gonna list them here I guess. Ruby, Elizabeth, Patrick, Grant, woah wait that's it. It's at four. I'm happy about that. Ok, this turned into a really long rant, but basically, I've realized a lot of stuff tonight and these past few weeks and I'm happy about the person I've become. This version of myself is one that I like and approve of. I think I've become someone who is way more confident then any other version of myself and I'm really happy about that. It's all because of the people I have surrounded myself with. So, to my friends who I know will be reading this, thank you for being there for me, and to my family, who won't be reading this, thank you for loving me. Now, this is a message to Ania specifically. Amid, I don't hate you. In fact, I never did hate you. I'm not going to be your friend again and I know you don't want to be mine. I feel like we had some pretty good memories and it sucks that they will be covered up when looking back by this drama, but everything I've said here I'm sticking to. I'm done even attempting to have a peaceful conversation with you. Thank you for making me into the person I am today. Thank you for helping me realize that this me is the best me. Thank you for getting mad at me and yelling, because honestly, it's made me think about my life and I've changed things for the better because of it. I think I'm done. I think I said everything.

Bye <3