how am i? (1)

A Bad Day

Today I felt depressed at some points.

I have struggled with depression in my life and recently I have been really good. I did have a bad day today though. Today my parents were constantly yelling at me for the tiniest things. At the moment that I am writing this, my dad just yelled at me because A SINGLE sock was on the floor. ONE SOCK?!?!?!!?!!?! I was also yelled at for asking for something last minute. At school, we are having a twin day type thing where you dress up with someone else and it is Tuesday. We were told about it yesterday. My parents are mad that I told them about it last minute, but it is something I can't control. Also, I was yelled at for asking POLITELY if I could be excused from dinner to go do my homework. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?? They said that it is the only time that I slow down and talk to them and that homework can wait. This is the same mom who makes me go to school even if I threw up or have a fever. I get that they want to talk, but I seriously needed to start on my homework, because it was getting late. They have also been nagging me about a piano contest I have tomorrow. I have to memorize two songs and play them for a judge. They both sound great, but my mom and dad feel the need to constantly ask me if I think I will do good. Today while I was practicing, that got in my head, because at dinner she kept saying well I don't want you to mess up. That was what I was thinking about when I was practicing and it made me mess up some. My parents both said, I don't know if you could play it by tomorrow when I literally played them both perfectly with my eyes closed yesterday so I think I can. That has been in my head all day and has made me feel like I'm worthless. You know what, maybe I am. A hateful comment from my mom hurts my feeling, so what is it going to be like in the real world. I don't think I could do it. I don't think I could live through it. Maybe I should just die now so I don't have to suffer anymore. You know, I laughed on FaceTime with my friend, but on the inside I was crying. I want to tell my mom about my depression, but she would literally send me to a mental hospital. You think I'm joking, right? I'm not. My cousin that I never met killed himself. My dad (it was his sister's son) even after that says that anyone who kills themselves or even thinks about it is a coward. I cried when I heard him say that. It's such an awful thing to say. His own nephew killed himself and he has the audacity to say stuff like that. I feel like I could never open up to them about it. I have tried multiple times with my mom, but the words would never come out. It's killing me inside. I don't know what to do.

Bye <3