Soraru x Mafumafu

Mine - Chapter 5

Warning: Most of it would be in a first-person perspective!

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After what happened that day in the library, I never got a single message from him, let alone phone calls from him. Since then I had been asking myself, if I didn't say anything like that, and just nodded to his invitation to dinner, would the outcome be the same; would he stay with me, or would he leave?

But my initial actions told me that my heart didn't want him to be with me with his mind somewhere else. My selfishness might bring him and his family to an end, and that was what I least wanted. I was just a person who had no social status, who might also be considered lesser than dirt as I was tainted by many other men. Not to mention, I wouldn't be able to bear children for his family as I do not possess the right reproductive organs to bear one. Knowing that Soraru-san was the eldest son in the family, I knew he carried great responsibilities in giving his family a child or two to inherit Soraru-san's name and wealth. If I couldn't even give him something as simple as that, there was no way I would gain approval from any of his family members.

And Soraru-san wouldn't be able to grab hold of true happiness.

So from day till night, I constantly told myself that it was okay if Soraru-san gained happiness; that it was fine if I was the only one feeling all these negative feelings seeping into my skin and into my bones, constantly reminding me that I no longer have him by my side, that it was all for the better good.

"... This is all for the better good, huh?" I muttered to myself, laughing at myself mockingly. Saying things like "I'm fine" to deny the fact that I was not, pathetic, I know. But if I hadn't done this, I would break. I needed something to hold me together, like how glue pastes two pieces of paper together, I needed glue to keep my heart together, keeping it in a piece.

My feelings never mattered in the first place, ever since I started in the industry. It was fine, wasn't it? It was just the usual.

I slid the library door open, took a step in, and closed the door behind me before I made my way to the table I usually sat at. The table was situated all the way at the back of the room, one of the few spaces in public that I could actually relax at. I didn't normally study for my exams because it was unnecessary for me to do so, but I wanted to get my mind off of Soraru-san for even just a moment. And occupying my mind with something else seemed to be the right choice.

A senior walked pass me, and I immediately lowered my head, so that he couldn't see my face. When I thought he was away from me, the moment I lifted my head up, he came back, and bent down a little to have a good look at me. I quickly lifted my book up to cover my face. I might have looked really awful for someone to come back to take a second look at.

I cried every night, as I thought about how cold the bed was without him, how there wasn't anyone who would get me rice balls from the convenience shop for breakfast anymore, how I wouldn't be the one to have him, how he wouldn't be mine. Of course, I knew not only my eyes were swollen from it; my face was too, for some reasons.

"Are you okay?" the senior asked. I looked back at him in the eyes from behind my book, and carefully nodded. He smiled at me, and told me that there wasn't anything to be afraid of, giving me a pat or two on my head. He looked like a really nice guy, and he had a really gentle smile. He continued staring at me for a while, before he reached into his pocket, and fished out a piece of candy. "Here, take this,"

He picked up my hand, and placed the candy in my palm carefully then helped me close my palm to make sure I held onto it properly.

"A tiny bit of happiness," he patted me again, before he finally decided to leave. "I hope you feel better soon,"